I’m slackin’ on my pimpin’ in major ways today. Just letting you know that Lake and I didn’t get jumped by NAWAUVT (Negative Arse Women Against Us Versus Them) over the weekend. We’re still here kicking. Content (and a real Man Up Monday) coming soon.
Look, at least James from Big Brother is excited!
-Brock
Loyal Us Versus them readers know that I am the worlds leading authority on Assology. I really pride myself on knowing what is out there. In my youth, I peeped that girl Six on Blossom and knew she was nothing but the truth. I can spot a tight ass at 30 paces with a bad angle. Nothing makes it past me. But today I am humbled. Let’s talk about Mena Suvari. If you know who the hell she is, you probably remember her like this:
Nothing to write home about there. Just some old Humbert Humbert type Lolita attraction from American Beauty…not my thing. So she never hit the radar. Maybe if I had seen this picture I would have been tipped off, but alas I didn’t. So I was caught completely off guard when I saw this:
Now we have flapjack on the far right, “gravity take the wheel” in the middle and and some old school thickums on the left. You are saying the same thing I said when I saw it. That can’t be her. That isn’t Mena Suvari. She’s just a skinny chick weighing long about a hundred and nothin’. Fine, another angle then.
Oh no, that is her…and that crease is tucked in tight. Does she know how to rock it though?
She even tries to arch the back on it. It doesn’t lead in to the tailpiece the way I like it but she sticks the landing like she’s going for the Gold in Beijing. It almost tucks itself in too much. I feel like I can see the ocean between the ass and the thigh. One more shot for posterior…uhhhh…posterity.
I honestly prefer to work in the range of Caramel Brown to Sweet Dark Chocolate as opposed to Pinky Pank, but you’re on the watchlist now Mena. Don’t let us down.
By the way, what’s up with the new thong, ass out bathing suit trend in 2008? This is the third full ass cheek out I’ve seen in the last month (although the most impressive).
We’ve also had Kate Hudson:
Where the thong is a mere suggestion as to where her butt may start, otherwise there may just be a crack in her back. And we had Jennifer Aniston.
Once again, that poor piece of purple fabric is just fighting for respectability in a world gone horribly wrong. I used to think she had ass too. I guess that was just compared to those other chicks on Friends…low bar.
-Brock
You probably remember that I referred to Lindsay Lohan as a “Thick White Woman” oh about three weeks back and immediately the boo birds came out complaining. Well, we huddled up in here at Castle Greyskull aka UvT headquarters, put it in the lab and came up with this finding:
After further review of dat azz and dem thighs, the call on the blog has been REVERSED as Ms. Lohan does NOT, I repeat, does NOT have the requisite thickness to be deemed a ‘Thick White Woman’ .
It’s ok Linds, I was shocked too. Here’s why you got dinged though:
Damn, now I know how Randy Jackson really feels when he gets that bad song choice or maybe just ok for him kind of effort.
Quite frankly, I expected better. But unfortunately, this type of side angle with the black tights never lies. For all the kids at home, drugs lie, this angle doesn’t. It simply tells the entire tragic story. See, with a standard issue thick, semi thick or even surprisingly strong chick, these wild leggings would truly set the party off with a bang and you’d see it starting at the middle calf. This shot just leaves us wondering “where the fuck it baybay and why didn’t she take her kids with her,” ya know? Intern, give me a blow up on Camera 2.
Yeah, oh, well, see that’s what I’m talking about. Sure, there’s a little punchiness there on the backflex, but that’s not enough thunder to get you to that next level. In fact, she’s not even making it precipitate here, while I’m looking for her to make it thunderstorm. And while the world needs sun, Lake needs fun, so this just aint gonna cut it. So it’s official, I renounce dat ass and relegate it to the land of pancakes, flapjacks and Rihanna on most days and nights.
Hard for me to admit it, but I still have high hopes for her better half. Oh yes, that’s right, on the same investigative inquiry, her breasts were found to be everything we and Dennis Green thought they were: Stupendous.
Thus, they’ll keep their rating of “Utterly Stupid” until she has to get them recertified in 12 weeks time.
Anyway, it’s settled now. You haters errr keen observers win this one. Lindsay’s arse does not warrant the “thick” moniker and will not be referred to as such no mo’. And just so we all understand, THIS is a thick white woman.
No need to lay it on too strong, but I just had to quickly illustrate the point. I’m still a Lindsay fan, but it’s getting harder and harder to call her UvT quality. I don’t know. She’s going to have to work hard for me in the balance of 2008. Summer is coming so I’m confident that she’ll lace me with some new top down chrome spinning joints or maybe a sex tape for my birthday? We’ll see.
-Lake
I was thinking the other day that there are words in the English language that I just don’t trust. They never mean anything good and are always trouble. For example, take the word meaty. Yuck. What the hell does that mean? Things that you want to eat are not described as meaty. (By the way, meaty has just been added to the ‘words not to Google” list….FUCK! ) Steak, quite simply, is meat.
Delicious. You don’t have meaty steak…you’ve never heard a steak described as meaty. It just is what it is. This is meaty:
Doesn’t that imply that it is something other than meat? That isn’t cool. Same thing goes for Cheesy. There is cheese, that is cool. But cheesy is what you call something that is not in fact cheese.
The White stuff is cheese, whatever that yellow crap binding the two hamburgers together is cheesy. That stuff ain’t right.
So this was really messing me up. It made me think that any adjective ending in “y” is bad news. But really, it is all about not describing something that is supposed to be anyway. Let’s take “juicy” for example. When describing juice, it probably means you are dealing with drink as opposed to anything associated with squeezing a piece of fruit. But, when applied to the aforementioned steak. It is actually a good thing. Of course, Juicy Juice adopted the moniker and made it their own.
That throws off the whole thing. Damn you Juicy Juice!
I’ve already gone too far. I apologize for sucking you into the madness.
Seriously though, until further notice, stay away from Cheesy and Meaty.
-Brock
King hypocrite and self proclaimed family values champion, Sen. David Vitter, (R) Louisiana was forced to admit that his phone number appeared in the records of the so called “DC Madam” on Monday. Apparently, Hustler Magazine was about to expose his candy ass for using not one but TWO escort services.
Homey admitted on Tuesday that he availed “hisself” of the services of some hoes down in New Orleans too. Jeanette Maier, known as the Canal Street madam, had this to say to CNN, “David Vitter has visited with my girls, and he has to be one of the nicest men and most honorable men I have ever met.” I’m sure he appreciated that compliment, southerners are so courteous.. lol.
In response to all this brouhaha, Davey Boy had this to say:
“This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible. Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there with God and them. But I certainly offer my deep and sincere apologies to all I have disappointed and let down in any way.”
NICE…go ahead and drop that God bomb, that’ll get people off your back. And what did Vitter, King of Morality and All that is Good, have to say about Billy Clinton’s infidelity back in the late 90’s as it related to his removal from office?
“Some current polls may suggest that people are turned off by the whole Clinton mess and don’t care — because the stock market is good, the Clinton spin machine is even better or other reasons. But that doesn’t answer the question of whether President Clinton should be impeached and removed from office because he is morally unfit to govern.
The writings of the Founding Fathers are very instructive on this issue. They are not cast in terms of political effectiveness at all but in terms of right and wrong — moral fitness. Hamilton writes in the Federalists Papers (No. 65) that impeachable offenses are those that “proceed from the misconduct of public men, or, in other words, from the abuse or violation of some public trust.”
Hot, do you think Senator Vitter feels that he’s lost he public trust with this “moral offense”? Don’t hold your breath waiting on his resignation. I wonder if Federalists No. 66 mentioned anything about Superhead’s skillz, Kim Kardashian’s wonderful tail or Jessica Biel’s genius workout regiment.
Oh and Vitter’s wife, Wendy, a former prosecutor, she’s an even bigger piece of work. Mami promised to take a “hard line” if Davey ever ran hoes like Billy C, that is, UNTIL DAVID STARTED RUNNING HOES WORSE THAN BILLY C! In 2001, when asked about what she’d do if her husband ever went Bill C. she had this to say to the Times-Picayune:
“I’m a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary [Clinton]. If he does something like that, I’m walking away with one thing, and it’s not alimony, trust me.”
I think I feel you Wendy. As Chris Rock said, it’s all your fault anyway. You know your man’s a freak and needs his medicine. You know you dun f*ucked up baby… you know it.
Aw, Wendy and David together…I know, all this ho talk and hypocrisy gives me the giggles too!! Tee-he!
I know the readers of Us Versus Them come to see the incredibly accurate and insightful thoughts of yours truly, Brock Hardon, and my brother from another color, Lake. I’ve been slacking on my own damn pimpin. But I’m back to deliver the goods.
First of all, I was in the house and sitting in my courtside seats when King James dropped that 48 on Dee-twah and it was just as nasty as it looked on TV. Talk about Witness…this cat was hitting drop-step fade away threes like it wasn’t shat. The only problem was I was distracted the whole game
.
I was distracted the whole game, by this clown….and this may be the best one yet. Eleven years in the league…4.5 points, 4.8 boards (and most of those were in Sacramento the two seasons he actually got some burn) and errrrrr….he doesn’t have any other stats of note 2.6 turnovers per game. Scot (leave off the last ‘t’ for “turrible”) Pollard….you know what I’m gonna ask….what the f*#k are you still doing in the league? Oh, yeah…he got twenty seconds of burn in game 5.
Moving on. So here is what my life has looked like since I fell off the radar. Trip to New York, fly into Philly on my way to Delaware (who knew such a terrible spot could be so gangster? Wilmington…I mean Damn!) To Detroit for Game 5. Back to NY..and now I’m broadcasting live from the Bellagio in Vegas.
Last night I hit Strip Steak for that $195 Japanese A5 Kobe Beef. No, Shaq, Jerry Buss, that white maid from Colorado and the whole Lakers organization wasn’t there you f*#kin degenerates, it’s the most delicious steak to ever hit a plate.
You know who still has it? Toni Braxton, I mean that azz piece is still tucked in tight. My word! She dropped it like it was hot right on me.
Lake my man, thanks for holding it down. ARod’s big boy jeans are the worst, thanks for keeping the thick white woman watch alive in my absence, Britney needs to stay on the watch list, and Rihanna may not be able to dance, but I will get up under her um-buh-rella anytime.
On the political tip, when can we kick the other 45 cats off the stage of the democratic primary and get it down to Barak (you know Brock’s vote is automatic, hell I may change my name to Ba-Rock for the final ’08 push), Hillary and John Edwards? Congressman Jefferson? Keep ya head up homey.
-Brock
FOR MORE CHRISTINA MILIAN CLICK HERE
First, I’ve been real real busy working on my other job, yes, I’m the Rib King, so I had to make sure I wasn’t doing anything to jeapordize my palatial 40 acre estate or my luxury sleds.. And you know Lakey Lake had to get in the gym to maintain my 18 and one half inch pipes… Anyway, I’m back and yes, Milian is still hot as sh*t. Ya dig?
Damn is that mid section ever so smooth and soft.. wow. Might have to make this chick our official site icon. Can anyone think of a tighter chick in this or any other game?
Thick White women, Allen Iverson and Boxing all in the same day? The rumors are right, White boys really do work hard. I’ll have to catch up. You did hit all of my favorite topics, though. More from me later.
Us Versus Them 
