Archive for the ‘Kobe Bryant’ Category

Man Up Monday: Olympic Recap

August 25, 2008

While I didn’t stay up until 2:30am EST (although I guess the start time of that game could have made some sense on the west coast) when Espana had it at four at the two and a half minute mark, I thought Man Up Monday was about to be for the “Redeem Team” and all of USA Basketball.

Then the Black Mamba took over.  (Did he give himself that nickname?  Seriously, where did that come from?)  It does answer my question of whether Kobe can switch on him dominance like a switch  The answer is apparently yes.  That three at the three minute mark with nothing but a jab step from twenty something feet was craaaaazy.  I do like how they just call him “Mamba” now.  Which is not only a deadly snake, but also a delicious candy.  Chew, Chew, Chew chew Mamba!

This time I’ve got a whole bunch of man up moments.  The first goes to German Sprinter Tobais Unger.  Check out this bitchin’ and moanin’.

Unger voiced his complaints about the Jamaican sprinter to BILD sport, saying: “Bolt didn’t even warm up for the semi final. He showed up in shorts and jogging shoes, did his pickups and practice starts, put on his spikes and then ran the 100m in 9.92 seconds.

“Bolt ran a time of 9.8 seconds in May and again at the end of September. He showed no tiredness during training,” an annoyed Unger added.

“They do whatever they want on their island. Nothing happens to them. I’m the only one here at the Olympics who is registering with the doping controllers.”

Bolt apparently didn’t even know how to fill out the doping forms. The American sprinters’ coaches actually laughed when they heard about German doping controls.

Unger, who was cut in the semi-finals, threatened to quit: “I just don’t have the desire anymore.”

And by, “I don’t have the desire anymore”, he means, “I can’t beat any of these people and get into the finals”.  Come on Tobias, we’ve already established that the melanin challenged can’t make the finals of the 100m dash.  Give it up.

Oh, and Usain Bolt just called Us Versus Them HQ with a message for you.  Here’s where you can take that shit.

I also need whoever decides which sports make the Olympic games to man up.  After swimming ended it all went downhill from there.  I was looking for Olympic Hoops and ended up catching…uhhhh Mountain Biking.  This shit was crazy.  It looked like someone ran some tape around some trees and had cats just ride around in the woods.  Up a hill, down a hill around a corner, not enough room to pass each other.  Stupid.  Not to mention the fact that X Games BMX biking in a half pipe makes the cut now too.  How about Badminton?  Why?  Handball?  Seriously, where is that popular?  If you going to do that, why can’t Jai Alai get in there?

That guy wants a gold medal too.  He’s got a helmet and a hook thingy attached on his arm.  He’s a badass.  What about football?  (and the first asshole that points out that the Olympics has “Futbol” gets kicked in the teeth)  Let’s get Ultimate Fighting in there too.  They’ve already got wrestling, boxing, and tae kwon do in there, why not kick it up and drop em in the Octagon?  Anderson Silva needs a gold medal too.  Oh and China, I don’t want to hear about how you “won” the Olympics either.  You won on table tennis, air rifle and the aforementioned badminton.  Just stop.

Oh and a final man up to this dude.

Yes I’m talking about the guy on the right.  My man Matos did not like that disqualification, ok?

So all of the above.  MAN UP!


Shaq Shot the Sheriff…and He No Longer is a Deputy…

June 25, 2008

Whooooo Hoooooo whooooooooo!

Oh, this story keeps getting better.  Like Lake said, Shaq is just about on of the corniest cats out there.  Part of that?  The fact that Shaq has frequently and publicly stated that he hopes to be a cop once he retires for basketball.  He’s gone as far as to actually go through training and get deputized.

First of all, where did they find the 7’1″, 300 plus pound version of a cop uniform?  Second of all, can you imagine this dude running up on you after you committ a crime?

Well, after Shaq called Kobe a “ni**a” and asked he “how his ass tastes”, I guess the fake police department that issued him that bullshit paper badge decided that Shaq’s performace was unbecoming to the department…so they stripped him of his badge.

Hey Shaq, who has the taste of ass in their mouth now?  You’ve lost the fake job you didn’t need.  How ya like that?

Meanwhile, Vanessa Bryant just realized that if Kobe knows how Shaq’s ass tastes, she probably does too…

Now he’s really in trouble.


Shaq Spits Diss Raps About Kobe and the Taste of His Arse? Awful.

June 24, 2008

Shaq’s act got old quickly. I mean, I was with my man when his good for nothing, ungrateful wife piece was doing the vida loca with the “personal trainer” but this shit is ridiculous. I guess Shaq was free styling, which by the way is one of those things you should just pledge not to ever do once you hit the age of 30 (and by the way, it should be past the age of 21, but I’ll let the hip hop babies live their dreams for an additional decade because I love ya). So this old ass giant mug was spitting pre made disses errr free styles and he started in about Kobe, how his ass tastes and why his wife left him…It was fucking awful, just peep it.

“You know how I be. Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me. Hey Kobe, how does my ass taste.”

Xactly…Oh and this is how Shaq rides off gracefully into the sunset in the twilight of his career?

“I’m a horse. Kobe ratted me out. That’s why I’m getting divorced. He said Shaq gave a bitch a mil. I don’t do that ’cause my name’s Shaquille. I love ’em, I don’t leave ’em. I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ’em.”

Damn, I guess we just got that full confirmation that not even the ghost of Red Auerbach himself was cheering harder for the Celtics to win than Shaq was? I mean, come on Shaq, how could you, one of the 50 best players of all time, a cat with FOUR Championship rings, have been reduced to a simple hater?

What happened to the good ole days? Hey Shaq, I’ll just go ahead and say what Kobe should be able but can’t say:

1. You’re all washed up. You SUCKED this year for PHX. I mean, ones of fans actually think that trade made sense and then even fewer liked it once you got there.

2. You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are, in fact, you’re a straight up Grade A cornball.

I mean, sure you’ve got personality, but truth be told, it kind of sucks. I know lots of people give you dap for being “a good guy” but we’re talking about a cat who does or does not have the charisma to rap, tell jokes and just be the man in a room. YOU DON’T HAVE THAT. Your “IT” factor died once your vertical became 1/4 of your waist size.

3. You can’t rap. Your album only sold because you were the only “rapper” meaning black dude that white parents ever heard of so they bought their kids your album by default. Your flow is god-awful and your rhymes suck. “Nick nack Shaq attack, give a dog a bone…..I know I got skillz man, I know I got skillz“.. Remember that? Fucking awful then, still awful now.

4.. If you keep this up, you’ll start to make people believe that Shaunie was right for ditching you and getting with Rico Suave.

Act like you’ve been there, kick back, steal that last year of loot on that contract and then just ride off into the sunset like Bill Russell or even Magic. Stay in your lane son and yes, even a crazy talented cat like you does have a lane. You don’t have the game to pull stunts like this my friend. And sadly for you, Kobe still does. Accept it.

– Lake

Warm Up the Bus: Celtics Will Win It All Tonight

June 17, 2008

Sheeit, the most well-rounded man in all of blogging hears that four part harmony of Leonard Bernstein‘s classic “Tonight” from the single greatest musical ever, West Side Story, when I think of this Cs v. Lakes Game 6.

“To-niiiiight, to-niiiight, I’ll be in the streets To-niiiight, To-night the cops will beeee on ours assss. Toooo-nye To-night, yall gonna see tonight, those Lakers, aint ’bout shiiiet, Pau is traaaaash”…

I mean, on the real. Enough with the bullshit, it’s time to put these chumps to sleep.

It’s kind of ridiculous when you hear the commentators talk about whether the Celtics should be worried.  Worried?  About what?  They’re up against a bunch of bums who don’t have the heart to come into Boston and do anything of note.  Paul Pierce is looking like the best player in the world right now.  Pau Gasol continues to support the image of the soft Euro and the only other options the Lakers have are weaker, shorter and even softer versions of Pau.  Lamar Odom aint ready…. I mean, it’s all a joke. 

The only thing more ridiculous than the notion that the Celtics should be the ones who are concerned was that hooded sport coat Lamar Odom was rocking during those post game interviews the other night. 

Where did he cop that number?  Today’s Geechie?  Horrible, awful. 

Celtics in 6!

– Lake

Everybody Loves Raymond: C’s Win Game 4

June 13, 2008

“Call the coroner… there’s gonna be a lot of slow singing and flower bringing.”

– Biggie Smalls talking about the Lakers in the ’08 NBA Playoffs

Wow, Ray Allen finally remembered that he was Ray Allen and sacked up in a major way to lift the Celtics to a win over the Lakers with some help from Pierce, Posey and House.

Is it just me or is Ray Allen smiling in giddy disbelief after breezing past Euro Number 2? What were the Lakers thinking about using that long haired Euro against Ray Allen? I mean, come on. Ray hit dude with a basic move and then it was like the cat just fell into a black hole or something. I mean, they needed a defensive stop and dude was nowhere to be found!

The least he could have done was manned up with a hard foul, reach in, block, technical, shank or something. Disgusting. And again, I’m rooting for the Celtics because I’m going to enjoy yet another night of championship antics in these Boston streets, but even I want to see the Lakers compete.

Hey miscellaneous EUROS, it’s a man’s game, play it the right way or get the F off the court! And cut that damn wet rag off your dome. You aren’t running around the caves of Slovania or whereever you’re from anymore, ok? Maybe cutting that mop will give you some heart, like a reverse Sampson or something.  24 points up and you still couldn’t close it out?  Hey, don’t worry Lakers fans, at least you won’t have to see this much longer.

Nice team win for the Celtics and yes this series is OVA!

I’m happy for KG, Ray Ray and Paul, too. They deserve these rings. Maybe the Championship experience will encourage Paul Pierce to cut off that god awful facial hair, too. Geez, I mean, what’s that about? Someone cue up that rowdy Boston victory song because the party has already started in Beantown. In fact, I’ll just do it myself.

Oh yes, it’s party time.

– Lake

Kobe Does it Jackass Style

May 29, 2008

We saw Kobe jump the Aston Martin, but he’s not done. Check this out:

Nike does it again. They are figuring out how to create viral video. I guess Kobe is fun again. They’ve got him switching shoes at halftime of games talking about how he wanted to be comfortable and get in rhythm in the first half, then wanted to take the game over so he switched to the Black Mambas in the second half. That is actually funny and great selling.

That is a far cry from this:

Damn. I almost forgot how icy Vanessa was. Whoooooo weeeeee. Kobe paid the price on that one.

By the way. Why is it just the fringe Jackasses still doing this shit? Where’s Johnny Knoxville? Where is Steve-O? These are just the dumbasses who will do anything.


Shawt Shorts: The Aftermath

January 2, 2008

Lake already covered the Lakers rocking their throwback shorts on Sunday night. But he didn’t show the effects that rocking those shorts could have on a Black man. As he mentioned, Luke Walton was fine, he looked like he might be rocking those for the rest of the season, but Lamar Odom completely lost his mind. By the second half, this happened:

Odom just went mad. Ray Allen was probably telling him to go get some Nair, or that his little brother wanted his shorts back, or that the Laker Girls (the actual cheerleaders, not the chicks Lake keeps around the office) wouldn’t be able to perform in the fourth quarter until the team gives them their shorts back.


Actually, those might be longer than the shorts Andrew Bynum got to wear.

Check this video compilation of the event. Terrible dude, basketball is a game of swagger…you can’t let your team go out like this. No wonder they got drug by 20.

Rick Fox was laughing and taking pictures. Like Sisqo said, “I think I’ll say it ageeeeiiiiiiin”

This dude:


Was laughing at them and taking pictures. Yeah, Mr. Nutra Perm himself had jokes. Lakers, Jerry Buss, you’ve had your fun…don’t do it again. I think this is ranked just below George Karl’s personal throwback tribute.


But just barely.


Lakers rock the throwback shawt shorts

December 31, 2007

This is what Kevin Garnett looked like during Sunday’s game.


But it wasn’t because of a blow he sustained to the dome. Oh no, his eyes started bleeding like this as soon as the Lakers took off the warm up sweats and headed to center court for the opening tip!


And can you blame him? And though I thought nothing could EVER top those shorts, look at homeys footers? I mean, WTF is that?!?!!!! I never though it until now, but the Lakes may need to consider a colors change…either that or just bold them joints up some. Goodness.


“Now I aint gonna tell you again, stop rubbin’ up all close to me on those screens.”

Hot dammit, in case you didn’t hear, the Lakers went with the Kurt Rambis throwback uniforms for their game against the Boston Celtics on Sunday. Now normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but this time they rocked the old school shawt shorts too! Whooo wee, it wasn’t pretty.


Damn. John Stockton and Jeff Hornacek would be proud. You know there’s something wrong when the caption legitimately reads “more thigh than KFC ” and we’re talking about Derek Fisher.


I hate that Luke Walter looks completely normal in those shorts… By the way, how did Luke ever get into the league in the first place? Arrggh.. That’s more of Andrew Bynum than I needed to see. I do appreciate how Lamar Odom tried to meet up half way and high sock his way to respectability though. Dude, this is ridiculous. What’s next, will all our pop culture icons just lose their minds?


Muthafucka….Woman, where’s my eggnog err Sham-Pag-Nee!


Kobe Beef: Is Bryant headed to Chicago?!

October 17, 2007

Our sources in the LA bureau say YES!


After missing a three days of practice, UvT West Sieede has learned that the Lakers and Bulls are working on a deal that will ship Kobe Bryant to Chicago for Loul Deng (Go Duke), Kirk Hinrich and a first round draft pick. I guess the Kobe-ster didn’t appreciate “Doctor” Buss’ loose lipped and reckless talk about dealing the mega star.


Dude, can you imagine a squad in the East that has Kobe, Ben Wallace, and Ben Gordon on it? Pretty crazy. I know, I know, I didn’t forget about my man Chris Duhon, he’ll really kill with Kirk gone and Kobe ‘long side of him.


In more ways than one, too. Hot.


– Lake

“USA-USA-USA” – USA Basketball back on top?

August 29, 2007

Kobe, LeBron, Melo, Dwight, this is why they’re hot.


Listen, I know it’s relatively inferior competition, but you just have to love what the USA is showing us at the FIBA Americas Championship tournament in Las Vegas. Just like last summer, Carmelo is showing us why he’s one of the most complete players in the whole world.


Homey is simply unstoppable, point blank. I mean, if you try to man him up with pressure D, he can put it on the floor and slash to the rim. If you try to lay off him, he’ll J you with that killer jumper. If you try to body him, he’s got that killer baseline turnaround game and when he’s really on his game, he’s a highly proficient rebounder, garbage bucket guy. He’s truly the perfect weapon. The only thing about him I don’t like is his seemingly mental midget status with that “stop snitchin” foolishness and of course, his random choice in lady.. La La.. don’t get me wrong, La La is cool..just too old for a cat who has no business being married before he’s 38. At any rate, Melo.. we here at UvT sports salute you.

LeBron has been LeBron, he’s dominating. He’s ubiquitous. He just muscles cats with that overly physical brand of play.


I mean, he really is that King James cat. The crazy thing about LeBron is how much better he could be. His jumper is anything but consistent, he rarely uses his left hand and his D leaves plenty to be desired. Still, you gotta love what LeBron has done for Team USA.

Finally, the man who has made it all come together is Kobe. I mean, what can you say about Kobe Bryant that hasn’t already been said about . It’s just the best of the best.


He brings crazy talent, work ethic, a jumper, killer D, swagger, attitude, I mean, dude is the best player in the world and it shows out there. Kobe just has that next gear that other cats don’t have. Honestly, I don’t see a need for Dwayne Wade when you have a Kobe out there who can score, pass it, and defend them. He threw a hot alley op to LeBron James in the first half of the Puerto Rico game. Unbelievable.


Look, Dream Team these guys are not… and the international quality of play has increased exponentially. But I can honestly say with this team, USA has a good a chance as ever and should be a prohibitive favorite to bring home that Gold Medal in Beijing. Nice work fellas… Good lookin Coach K.