Archive for June, 2008

Great Video: Now That’s Dancing!!!!

June 30, 2008

Remind me to cancel this trip I’m planning for Argentina (and you know this) in favor of that Jamaica No Problem. The dancing alone makes that move a no brainer for me.

LOL… Dude, I’ll never grow tired of a cat hooking up the acrobatic dutty wine (or is it wind? I don’t know) shits, only to finish it off with a hot back-flip, WWE inspired cross-check piece to the upper chest region. I mean, if this is how this cat dances with a broad, imagine what he’s doing to the tail in the sack. And the best part about it, the babes never seem to actually get hurt and they all get up smiling. I guess once you get done like that it’s either smile or immediately start whoopin ass. My word!!! I like it.

– Lake

Mini Me Sex Tape Partner Exposed!

June 30, 2008

I promised more on the Mini Me Sex Tape starring Verne “Mini Me” Troyer and Ho trying to get on in Hollywood by any means necessary.

Well, that ho has finally been identified. Meet Mini Me’s ex, 22-year-old aspiring model/actress Ranae Shrider.

LOL. Alright now Mini Me. I can’t hate on that….not at all. I mean, while that face “reminds me of my jeep” and not in a good way, that stomach is screaming “honey love”. I like it. Let me get angle two please:

Errr, my bad. The REAL angle two, dammit. I hate when that happens.

Haaa… Dude, is everyone else tickled pink like I am with this broad? I mean, MINI ME?! I know it’s hard for women to get that come up in the world today, but this babe had to resort to fucking Verne Troyer aka Mini Me? What, Emanuel Lewis wasn’t available?

I mean, what, Gary Coleman can’t have some?

I mean, dude… I gotta get out to LA. For real. If this is what it’s like and the dating scene, I should be wrapping up Halle Berry by mid July . I mean, sure, Ranae isn’t a hot babe, but it’s not like she aint hittable either. Come on now…. Cats have hit faaaaar worse. ha And even if you accept that she’s a low level, let’s say, D- chick in the land of plenty that is LA, imagine the kind of arse that’s available at higher levels. SHE’S FUCKING A NOTORIOUS MIDGET with a built in punchline for a name.

LOL. Apparently she finds it hilarious too. And she still “lives” with the cat. I guess “work” is real hard to come by out there. And now we can all just sit back and wait for the release of the tape, followed by her new reality show with Mini Me. I mean why not, right? Who knows what kind of freaky shit goes on in that household.

I mean, even the dog can’t believe this shit. Dogs, midgets, low budget hoes err models fucking Z list “stars” for rental space. I gotta get out to LA and fast.

Definitely my kind of place. Was it just me or did this chick get progressively worse looking as this post went on. Ha.

– Lake

FINALLY: A Reason For Me to Go Back to Church

June 30, 2008

I was bumping around the internet and I peeped this joint. Finally, this was the sign from above I was looking for. Truly a reason for Lakey to hit church. I mean, it’s an O-Mazing video, something everyone should watch. ūüėČ

Now I’ve heard that the lord works in mysterious ways…that he uses all of us. But I think even God had to to take a knee when that cat got the party jumping. Did yall hear that wild ending? I heard half the congregation immediately converted to Scientology after that cat rocked that American Idol special. HA…

Forgive him err me…

– Lake

Some People Just NEED a Stiff Arse Whipping

June 27, 2008

Have you ever just seen something that made you cringe.¬† Like, something that you really have no connection to, but you just see it and wish they’d just round up the people responsible and usher out severe ass whoopins on the spot?¬† No?¬† Well, I see shit like that everyday.¬† Like this dude for instance.¬† Somebody just needs to kick his ass… just because.

Now see, we can’t let shit like that go on in America.¬† If we do, the terrorists win.¬† Ha.¬† Dude, it’s just a visceral reaction.¬†¬†Dude just starts talking and then he gives you that little sweet looking eye that fucks with you.¬† I don’t care who you are, what your background is or what your “orientation” might be, there’s no place for shit like that in civil society.¬† Clearly this dude got one ass whoopin too few in that upbringing.¬† And I don’t even think that he’s just theatre dude.¬† I think he’s just that Rule No. 1 violating, extra cat who doesn’t know better because cats have let him get away with that bullshit in the past.¬†

And to add insult to my injury, the fool didn’t even recite the poem correctly.¬† If¬†you’re going to be awful…if you’re going to be extra, at least¬†do that shit right.¬†¬†It’s like being a stupid ass nerd, if you’re going to take the time to be a nerd, the least you can do for the word is be a smart one.¬† Nothing is more pitiful than a stupid ass, dumb nerd.¬†¬†At that point, what are you really offering the¬†world?¬† Horrible. Awful.

– Lake

Bums R Us: The New York Knicks Are a Joke

June 26, 2008

So I watched the NBA Draft tonight and I just realized how completely inept and awful those New York Knicks are. 

I mean, jeez, they’ve got to be the stupidest organization in all of sports.¬† No need to belabor the point.¬† It’s just that I pretty much can’t stand a useless European player, especially when said Euro is taken ahead of legitimate talent.¬† Which brings us to the New York Knicks.¬†The franchise aint been right since Vanilla Ice was selling out arenas.¬† They’ve had a debacle with that wo-MAN Beast v. Zeke sexual harrassment fiasco, they’ve got the highest payroll in the entire NBA and oh yeah, THEY SUCK, so how can they actually make their situation even worse?¬† Oh, I know, draft a random ass, unknown cat who “isn’t known for his athleticism” but whose father happened to room with head coach Mike D’Ahntoni when he was slumming it in Italy.¬† Meanwhile, the rest of the league is getting better and just having their way with NY.

WTF?¬† Let me get this straight.¬† Your team is horrible and has been horrible for years.¬† You just fired your coach.¬† You need to win not now but RIGHT NOW and you’ve got names like Eric Gordon, Brook Lopez, DJ Augustin, Jared Bayless and Anthony Randolph on the board.¬† Instead of taking one of those guys you take some random¬†nicknamed after a mufuckin rooster?¬†¬†I mean, who in the hell is this Danilo Gallinari?¬†¬†

I mean, dude’s highlights weren’t even that hot.¬† I’d be pissed if this cat was going to play at Duke next year, but the Knicks are betting the farm on the dude?¬† Fucking awful.¬† No wonder the fans boo’d.¬† No wonder the Knicks suck.¬† I mean, seriously, the last time the Knicks mattered John Starks was getting speaking lessons, Pat Ewing was rocking a sagging high top and Charles Smith was pulling his skirt down.¬†


Even those cheerleaders are underwhelming.¬† It’s hard work sucking this much.¬†¬† He NY Knicks, Shaq and the rest of the league want to you to tell us how their asses taste.¬† Awful.¬†

– Lake

Not the Sex Tape I Was Hoping For

June 26, 2008

I’ve been out of pocket and completely off key as I’ve been preparing to leave Boston. Yep, I know, I know, I’m getting tired of all those Championships. Don’t get too cute with it, I’m really only partial to the Red Sox at this point. Anyway, I’ve been knee deep in movers, cleaners, rental agreements, management contracts and of course, going away partying so I’ve been a bit MIA on the UvT front. It’s all good though, Brock has been holding it down. And yes, I can work a middle tier sammich, some creamed spinach, a coke and a fine German automobile all at once, even with a hungry bulldog riding shotgun 8 inches away. Come on now. I’m 1/4 German on my sister’s side.

I can drive the whip with my mind at this point, so you know when I roll out with my knee at the controls it’s all good. But anyway, I just haven’t really been in a position to write, in fact, I’m really bullshitting right now and shouldn’t even be doing this, but I just had to send a shout out in the negative to the Sex Tape gods. I mean, I asked for that good Jessica Biel Sex Tape, hell, even that R. Kelly, “I guess she wasn’t underage remix” Sex Tape. Or how about that Pre and Post “Gelly Butt” Lola Luv Sex Tape double play joint? But the gods didn’t give me that did they, no, they offer Lakey the Mini Me Sex Tape instead. Curses! Lol.

Holy shit! Haaaaaaaa. Come on man. I mean, first off, what is ole Verne Troyer trying to prove in this shot with that tongue extension? Head looking like an oil well pump. I’ll just leave it at that. And we all know that I’m the King of Reality TV, so you know I watched the Surreal Life with Verne aka Mini me. Dude couldn’t even walk on the show, so how in the hell is he going to knock down a full sized woman?

And let’s focus on that woman for a second.

I can see banging out a cat because he’s a gimmicky “movie star”. I mean, let’s face it, some of yall let dudes hit for far less. I knew a cat who faithfully tagged based on an employer issued unlimited subway pass. I don’t know, maybe she’s money hungry or maybe she’s a fame seeker. Who knows, maybe she’s just a freak. But you cannot let Mini Me break out his Mini He and lay the lumber to you on tape!!! You just can’t do it. I think I mean, that was one of those lost commandments within the original ten. “Thou Shalt Not Ever…Neva, eva, eva, evaaaaaaaah, have sexeth with a Minus Me and let thine freak nastiness see the light of day I so graciously provided unto you”.. Right? I mean, you can’t do it. I literally can’t be done. Terrible. And by terrible, I mean I’ll have the link for you as soon as I get it. More later.

Shouts to Kir, second nominee for UvT Woman of the Year.

– Lake

“Hypermiling” – Just Get the Hell Off The Road

June 26, 2008

I get it, gas prices are high.¬† I’m not going to freak out about it like everyone else, but when I can’t even fill up my whole tank before the gas pump gets to the prepregrammed limit of $95 I know that something ain’t right.

I hear everyone out there struggling for gas.¬† I know it sucks but I’ve noticed something new and it’s pissing me off.¬† Have you heard of hypermiling?¬† It is the practice of driving in a way that allows you to get maximum mileage out of your car.¬† It starts with not driving like a New York cabbie.¬† You know going from pedal to the metal to full break every three seconds.¬† And it gets as extreme as drafting behind eighteen wheelers and popping your car in neutral and get pulled by the wind.

I’ve started to notice these assholes on the streets.¬† I mean I can’t tell you how many times in the last month I got stuck behind some Toyota Corrola going 40 miles an hour in a 55.¬† I expect to see this:

But instead I see some ex-dungeon master getting an extra 2 miles a gallon.

Look, either buy a car with better mileage or man up, fill up your tank and drive that damn thing.¬† Wanna save money, stay home or jump on the bus.¬† Don’t make me pay in valuable time because you don’t like gas prices.¬† What you cannot do is drive slow in front of me.¬† When you see the luxury whip coming in your rearview please slide to the side.



Fake Soccer Fan: STFU

June 26, 2008

With this damn Euro Cup on, you know what is annoying as hell.¬† Those cats who act like they grew up in the shadow of Emirates Stadium with an Arsenal Jersey on.¬† You know these assholes that insist on calling it “football”.

Face it, that shit is not popular here.¬† We don’t really care who is in the bracket with Germany.¬† We don’t care how long Norway played a man down because of the Red Card.

Look, unless you are ready to cry when your team loses, willing to riot over a bad call, played through high school and college, willing to fight in the stands and do all of the other things that soccer hooligans are trained for since birth, just stop faking and watch the games.¬† We don’t need the extra shit.

That being said, Female Brazilian soccer fans are completely exempt from anything I just said.


That’s Just Nasty

June 25, 2008

Lake just hit me up from the road and here is an exact transcript of our conversation.

Lake: Hold on man, let me order this food.

Me: Where are you?

L: Boston market.

Me: Drive thru?

L: Yup.


Me: Yo, aren’t you driving?¬† How the hell are you going to eat Boston Market in the car?¬† That is a two handed meal right there.

Lake: I got a system.

(pause…longer this time)

Me: What kind of system can you possibly have? (I’m imagining this cat using the fork and knife like chopsticks, or cutting all the food up in the parking lot so he can eat it as he rolled, or worst case scenario just going one handed barbarian style.)

L: I get the carver (the sandwich) and a side of creamed spinach.  Between the dip and the scoop, I make it happen.

Come on meng.¬† That’s some white boy shit right there.¬† You still my nilla though.


Shaq Shot the Sheriff…and He No Longer is a Deputy…

June 25, 2008

Whooooo Hoooooo whooooooooo!

Oh, this story keeps getting better.¬† Like Lake said, Shaq is just about on of the corniest cats out there.¬† Part of that?¬† The fact that Shaq has frequently and publicly stated that he hopes to be a cop once he retires for basketball.¬† He’s gone as far as to actually go through training and get deputized.

First of all, where did they find the 7’1″, 300 plus pound version of a cop uniform?¬† Second of all, can you imagine this dude running up on you after you committ a crime?

Well, after Shaq called Kobe a “ni**a” and asked he “how his ass tastes”, I guess the fake police department that issued him that bullshit paper badge decided that Shaq’s performace was unbecoming to the department…so they stripped him of his badge.

Hey Shaq, who has the taste of ass in their mouth now?¬† You’ve lost the fake job you didn’t need.¬† How ya like that?

Meanwhile, Vanessa Bryant just realized that if Kobe knows how Shaq’s ass tastes, she probably does too…

Now he’s really in trouble.