Archive for the ‘Madonna’ Category

The Universe is Going Nuts

July 29, 2008

I’ve been away from the game for a second, but I’m starting to believe that everything is just going crazy out here. First off, Britney Spears actually looks good in these bikini shots.

Damn, I thought I was ready for Brit to go away, but looking at these pics brings me back to a better time. Come back Britney, come back.

Maaaayne, that aint the old Brit but it’s damn close. And while I usually think people are bullshittin when they say a bathing suit looks nice (it’s usually what’s in it that looks good) this little selection is doing it for me. It’s a damn shame when you’re actually shocked that a chick look normal.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Jesus! Looks like some unholy cross between Lion-o, skeletor and a great white oak! What the fuck happened to Madonna?

Dammit, that shit just isn’t right. Now I see why her old man left her high and dry. Jeez.

At least her daughter’s face acknowledges how ridiculous she looks. Dammit, have we been getting tricked all these years? Dammit, she actually has that look of Michael Jackson here. Looking all weak and decrepit. Fugly. Now see, now that I’ve experienced all that negativity, I need something to bring me back to center.

Ahhh, that’s better.

– Lake

Perfect: A-Rod v. Madonna Sex Tape

July 23, 2008

Only something this intriguing could motivate me to actually do my job this morning.  Oh yes, if you believe the reports, that Madonna and A-Rod sex tape (how crazy does that sound) is officially being shopped by some voyeur slug for a cool $2mil as we speak.

What’s crazy is that at this point Madonna really isn’t any better looking than Alex’s old lady C-Rod.  So I can’t quite understand what he’s thinking.

I know, I know, that face is looking a bit battered and beaten.  Why are we so critical of our women, our queens these days?  And before you accuse ole girl of getting her Skeletor meets the Crypt Keeper on, don’t forget that at this point Madonna is literally looking like an extra bright light version of Castle Greyskull:

Jeez!  It’s like old girl is hooking up nuclear cold fusion in her bicep or at least I think that’s a bicep.  lol  Seriously?  Have you EVER seen someone more befitting of the title of Skeletor than this broad?

A major part of skeletor’s power was that you couldn’t tell if he was rocking muscle on top of super skrong skeleton or exoskeleton on top of super krunk muscle.  And now I ask you, can you tell if Madonna is rocking skeleton on top of muscle or muscle on top of skeleton?

It aint right.  And I know you need to eat 5 to 7 meals a day to get those cuts, so might I suggest that Madonna eat 1 very large lard infused meal a day to attempt to return to normalcy?

And make no mistake about it, Madonna was RIGHT back in her NSFW hitchiking days.

Dude, is it just me or is Alex kind of missing the boat here?  I mean, if the old saying is true that when you have sex with someone you’re having sex with ALL their past sexual partners (and their sexual partners, but I won’t go there) then by my count, and this is just a cat sitting at a pc, A-Rod is banging out Dennis Rodman, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, a wild bisexual porn star named Tony Ward, VANILLA ICE and a list of personal trainers, dancers, rappers, musicians and actors!  Seriously, can you think of any single female celebrity that you’d put more bodies on than Madonna?  And let’s be clear, though it hasn’t been reported, she did have sex with a wild Pauly Shore, Theo Huxtable and a cat like oh I don’t know The Ultimate Warrior, too.

But I guess when you’ve got a babe who is an international superstar and has been for decades (yikes) even a dude like A-Rod can get those groupie love puppy dog beer goggle eyes going and lose his mind for a clean 5 months or so.

True, I don’t get it either.  Honestly, and I haven’t said this about ANY other Sex Tape that’s come across my desk, but I think this is one tape I’ll have to completely sit out.  And why?  This is why:

Does it get any worse?  Sure, I’d like to see if Madonna can back up all her swagger (more likely than not she can), but something about seeing his A-Rod doesn’t sit right with me.  I don’t know, male genitalia is always nasty, but A-Rod with his purple lipstick, frosted hair and Miami perma-tan just weirds me out.  Then you pair that with Madonna’s middle earth, ash rock skin tone, it’s just unseemly.

– Lake