Archive for the ‘Nascar’ Category

Nascar Loves The Hoes

April 3, 2008

Dude, Max Mosley, the head of the FIA, which is the governing body of Formula One racing, got busted and exposed banging out 5 hookers while they all role played a Nazi concentration camp S&M sex fantasy game. Freaking crazy, peep it.

Yooo, this is so crazy that I don’t even know what to say. It’s one thing to actually get off on some Nazi hoes (which is completely wild), no check that FIVE Nazi hoes, but it’s quite another to actually video tape it! I mean, Eliot Spitzer wants to know what this cat was smoking when he put someone behind that camera.

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I know, banging out Nazi hoes is not against the law in Britain, fair enough. Great country. But this cat runs a major international outfit. Just like Jimmy said in Goodfellas, there are appearances that have to be kept up. Homey is supposed to be running cars, not hoes. And yes I know that there’s a difference between Nascar, Formula One Racing, Open Wheel and all the rest, I simply don’t care. The second they stop taping Nazi hoes and whoopin ass with that leather paddle on camera (you really should watch the video), I lose interest. Besides, those “sports” are all the same.

Apparently, all this shit is racist, but down south with Nascar, they’ve got tractors, rakes and hoes.

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Over there in Europe with Formula One, they just got the hoes (ok, I lifted that from Black Sheep circa ’91).

Racism, nostalgic references to genocide, paddling, hoes, cars and video tape. Yep, I think it’s officially time to book that trip to Europe. Them UK ladies have been good to a nilla.

– Lake

IRL and Champ Car have merged!!!!

February 22, 2008

Or maybe they haven’t.. hey guess what, I don’t give a hot damn either way.

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Has there ever been a sport that is more useless than Indy Racing League or “Champ Car”… Listen, before people started bombarding me with news of this merger, I didn’t even know what Champ Car was. I mean, it already sounds like a boot leg, repackaged marketing play for children’s toys, in fact, if you told me that Hot Wheels and Stompers (those were hot toys) had merged, I literally would have been far more interested. At least those two products have a purpose. Look, I hate Nascar and all its derivatives. I hate everything about it. I’m tired of seeing Dale, Ricky, Jimmy, Bobby, Dale, Billy and Cade roll around a track turning left for 4 hours with little rhyme or reason. You can’t even tell who’s winning! How is that exciting?

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Seriously, this is the worst “sport” ever. Nothing pisses me off more than rolling into my favorite sports bar and seeing those damn cars going around in a circle on a tv that should have “that game” on. And by “the game” I mean one of the legitimate sports with real athletes competing at the highest level. Not some southern fried freaks in their HGH mobiles, sucking down victory milk and occasionally doing a backflip out of the car (incidentally, that flip this the most athletic and interesting thing those fools do all day).

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That just aint right.

I must say, the South has a long and storied history, both good and bad. My bad list reads like this:

1. Slavery

2. Jim Crow Laws

3. KKK

4. Nascar

5. 69 Boyz, Tag Team, 95 South and the rest of the Booty Shake genre

Good:

1. Sweat Tea

2. Duke Basketball

3. Delicious Soul Food

4. Outkast

5. Bodacious Booty

– Lake

UPS: Everything is all Right

December 15, 2007

UPS announced that it was able to cut costs by changing the way their trucks drove their routes. Sound like a complicated issue with teams of engineers working out algorithms for years? Nah, they solved the problem by only making right turns at intersections. By not waiting at lights idling until traffic clears they were able to save three million gallons of gas and cut 28 million miles out of their delivery routes. Whoever came up with that better get a hot Christmas bonus. They save nine million in gas alone.

Their next big idea is to paint all the trucks so they look really fast too.

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I heard the geniuses at Nascar are thinking about changing the direction that all the racecars go around the track in order to make Nascar “go green”.

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Ricky Bobby wants to turn right, and Ricky Bobby ain’t a thinker, Ricky Bobby is a driver.

Their 2008 slogan is “Car Racin’ is awwwlllllright”. Hey fellas, changing left turns to right turns on a track isn’t going to work in your case.  Trust me.

-Brock