Archive for the ‘Boxing’ Category

He used to be the baddest man on the planet

February 18, 2008

Now look at him.


Mike Tyson coming out with a bitch bag at the irregulars errr discount suit spot? Say it aint so.


Getting rolled up on by substandard post-cougar mamis errrr mommies?


The look on the white cat’s face pretty much says it all, in fact, I think that’s my cousin Drake (sure his gear and hair are horrible, but he’s a director, it’s part of his earthy shtick), giving him our patented Arlington family gas face. The truth is and I hate to say this because I’m a big Mike Tyson fan, but Mike aint been shit since I whooped his ass in Punch Out.



– Lake

Boxing: Jones v. Trinidad

January 18, 2008

I would love to offer some detailed UvT style analysis of the upcoming Roy Jones, Jr. versus Felix “Tito” Trinidad fight on Saturday, but I honestly barely care.  I loved to watch Roy Jones fights almost as much as I loved to watch Prince Naseem Hamed, but neither has been entertaining since 2000.  But instead of hard hitting analysis of the fight, I will analyse this single picture from the weigh in.



Why the hell are the fighters wearing parkas?  Is the weigh in outside?

Tito has on that “It never gets this cold in Puerto Rico, so I just got a windbreaker” coat on.

When did Roy Jones grow out that beard?  It certainly isn’t going to make him any faster.

Roy Jones is 39, when does his contract with Brand Jordan end?

What the hell is Don King looking at?

When Mr. T decided to stop wearing gold, did Don King purchase it all at a cut rate?  Why did he decide to wear it all at once?

Is that jacket that Don King has on both airbrushed and bedazzled?

Did Don King actually get a haircut?  That almost looks reasonable.

Is anyone actually planning on dropping $50 for the privilege of watching this fight 6 days earlier than you can watch it on HBO for “free”?  I didn’t think so.


UvT Sports: Mayweather v. Hatton

December 9, 2007

That was a great fight last night.


Me and my man Smokey have a quick message for Irish Ricky:


UvT Sports: Mayweather v. Hatton

December 8, 2007


Pretty Boy Floyd Mayweather takes on Ricky Hatton tomorrow night in Las Vegas.  This is the oldest story in boxing, the plot to Rocky I, Rocky II, Uhhhh, Rocky III, and Rocky VI.  the flashy trash talking brother against the hardscrabble working class white cat.  I’m uniquely qualified to cover this subject as The Great White Hype is one of my favorite movies.


You already know this story.  Mayweather brings speed and flashy moves, quick feet and flashy hands and Irish Ricky Hatton is a little slower, hits a little harder and has “the heart of a lion”.  Hatton will get all the white fans worked up to beat the pound for pound champion.  All of Ireland, and Boston for that matter, want Irish Ricky to win.   Seriously though folks, when was the last legit White champ?  Unless you are from the Ukraine or some other Eastern Bloc country, you’re not getting the belt.

Let’s do a rundown of everyone’s favorite white fighters:


Rocky.  He got his ass whopped in the first fight in all his movies but won afterwards.  It’s scripted,what do you want?


Tommy Morrison.   Got his ass whooped by Ray Mercer.


This dude looks like he needs to have his ass whooped by a brother.


Even Chuck Liddell was the best fighter in the UFC until Rampage whooped his ass.  He better win against Silva of December 29th or his career might be over.

Anyway back to Mayweather/Hatton.  As always, 24/7 featuring the Mayweather family is some of the most entertaining programming on TV.  Predator Mayweather must have seen himself on TV and figured our he looked ridiculous and needed a haircut, because he actually looks like a reasonable dude now.

I’m calling Mayweather in 9.  Hatton is certainly impressive, but I don’t think he can handle Floyd.  And yes, I know Ricky Hatton isn’t Irish.  He’s British, or Welsh or something like that.  He’s got an accent, so it’s all the same to me.  Hell, I wish he was Irish so he could pass me a Guinness for me to drink while I watch the fight.


UFC has Boxing Beat

October 25, 2007

I’ve been a fight fan for years. Sugar Ray, Haggler, Tommy Hearns, Tyson, Prince Naseem, Sweet P, Ward-Gatti I, II, and III. I watched HBO fights religiously. Fights didn’t sound right without Jim Lampley on the call. Lamps gives you exactly what you need. I don’t know what the hell Harold Lederman does, but they way he explained the rules were the only way to start a fight. I hate Larry Merchant, but he is the perfect foil to let a boxer truly get off. His exchanges with Prince Naseem Hamed were legendary. (I chop ‘im down Larray. Timbaaaaaah!) Here’s the thing. I can’t watch boxing anymore.

Don’t get me wrong. Kelly Pavlik whooping the hell out of Jermaine Taylor was great. Back and forth action, clean hit to knock Taylor out. That is all you could ask for in a modern boxing match. That’s the problem, there isn’t a dominant Heavyweight that likes to run smack. There isn’t a killer cruiserweight ripping through his weight class. Good fighters only fight once or twice a year. Then it happened, I flipped on Season 1 of The Ultimate Fighter a few years ago.


Dana White and the UFC have the fight game figured out. TUF 1 introduced people to the sport. Explained how it works, familiarized you with the rules, gave you a crew of fighters to root for, introduced you to the current champs, everything you need to become a fan. Everyone thought Ultimate Fighting was glorified cockfighting (and it was to a certain extent). Here is what makes the UFC better than boxing right now.

1: The best fighters are always fighting:


In boxing, when you get a good fight on the card, it is almost guaranteed to be the only good fight that night. The undercard is usually an afterthought and on some occasions it isn’t even aired on HBO. In the UFC they try to stack every damn card they have. Sure, there will be a championship fight at the top of the card, but there is also a fight for number one contender in one of the weight classes on the undercard, a former champ, one of the TUF reality show fighters. Then, they run their best guys out there three or four times a year.

2: There are good fights on free TV:

Not only does The Ultimate Fighter come on every week for the reality show, but they run fights from the pay per view on UFC Unleashed, just a few months after they originally air, and they have their “fight night” shows with some good matchups. They give you a chance to see their fighters without paying for it. It means you have access to all of their top fighters at some point. They ran Rampage Jackson, the UFC Light Heavyweight Champ against Dan Henderson the Pride Champ on Free TV. I’m talking dream matches between the best in the world.

3: These guys fight for a finish:

Here’s the best part. Ive seen very few shows where there isn’t a great hit, a great choke out or submission, or a wild scrap with both cats letting is all hang out. Here’s the thing. The guaranteed purse for these guys isn’t that high, but there is a bonus that is given out at every show. Best knockout, best submission, best fight. If you perform well and excite the crowd you make extra loot on the spot. Watch this:

Every damn sport should work this way. Okay, this isn’t a team sport so this type of motivation works.

4: The fighters have personality:

Chuck Liddell may be on a two fight losing streak, but the dude is no nonsense, has a mohawk and will knock out the hell out. Rampage Jackson is a certified superstar. This dude wears a literal chain around his neck and howls like a werewolf at the moon before every fight.


He keeps it simple too, “Chuck wants to keep his belt. But you can’t always get what you want. I’ma Whoop Chuck’s Ass”. Anderson Silva may be the baddest man out there right now. He just whooped Rich Franklin for the second time, essentially ending his career in the middleweight division. He has blazed through everyone that gets put in front of him, and middleweight isn’t the deepest weight class so there aren’t too many other people to fight. He’s already faded Chris Leben, although the UFC would love for him to be a star, Kendall Grove is interesting, but just lost, Charles McCaaaaartheeeey, it is not yoooouuuuu, all these cats are fakers. They are going to have to run out some of the Pride boys to try to get the belt.

5: The UFC is going for high impact:

They announce Liddell v. Silva (the dream match a little too late), and Brock Freaking Lesnar in the same week? That’s crazy. Plus instead of cutting away and acting like the damn ring girls don’t exist, they actually let you get some action shots of the ladies in their short shorts.

That’s what I’m talking ’bout.

If you haven’t seen it yet, check it out. The best way to get in is by watching The Ultimate Fighter show. It gives you the right background and flavor. Serra v. Hughes for the Welterweight title on free tv. I like Serra as a coach, but I’ve never seen him dominate. He’s also been on the sideline for an awfully long time. Hughes should win the belt back, but I think Serra’s got more invested into the fight that Hughes. I’m picking Serra.


Mike Tyson: Crazy Throughout the Years…

September 28, 2007

You know Mike Tyson is one of my personal favorite dudes.  He was a killer in his prime and I still think Tyson – Holyfield right before Tyson went to jail would have been one of the greatest fights of all time.  In honor of him being one the verge of going back to jail, this time as a perfectly-round, superheavyweight, we need to look back at his body of work. 


(and as you can see, his body of work has gotten…uh, bigger over time)

Yeah, he’s unstable, abusive, crazy, and probably drugged at all times other than two weeks before and about 10 minutes after any of his fights.  This body of work for sheer craziness is great.  He really works himself up like Kellen Winslow in the famous “All Praise to Allah!” Rant.

Wow.  That “I’m a semi-good husband take is still a classic too.”

I’ll tell you who else I miss, a true showman, with knockout power at Featherweight.  Prince Naseem Hamed.  If you ever saw this cat talk with Larry Merchant after a fight, you know that those may be some of the best moments ever on HBO.  I it em, Larray.  An ee went down like timbaaaaaah.

The way he stops the entourage to shake it out at about 40 seconds is classic.


“Pretty Boy” Floyd on Dancing with the Stars?

September 25, 2007

Awww, first we had Oscar rocking the fishnets, now this:

(Yeah, I think Floyd will hit this)

Why oh why is Floyd Mayweather “competing” on Dancing with the Stars? Isn’t he supposed to be training for his fight with Ricky Hatton? Normally I’d call on a celestial power to take track of Floyd’s mind and set him straight, but this time I know better. It’s gonna take more (or less), because clearly Floyd is off his rocker. So I’ll say it, Roger, take the wheel!!!!

I would tell Floyd’s pops, Floyd Sr. to take the wheel, lest folks start calling him “Batty boy” Floyd, but that fool has more hair on the top of his head than he has good sense, so I won’t even bother.

And Jr. I gotta tell, you, if you end up looking like your namesake, they’re gonna have to start calling you Ugly Boy Floyd in about 10 years or so, because your pops has ugly down to a sweet science my man. Goodness, maybe this Dancing with the Has beens and Never Were is a good career move for you as you transition out of boxing. I wouldn’t wish this kind of human deterioration and degradation your pops or uncle (Roger) have suffered on anybody. Then again, since you’re unwilling to make a good fight for people who pay good money errrr take a hit, you’ll probably be alright for the foreseeable future.

I wonder how Mel B did last night, clearly I wasn’t watching. Too busy watching the boobs of skanks and hizzoes errr looking to see who would find true love on the Bachelor. Ha, I know, horrible show, played concept, but these big breasted, slim waisted white women seemingly never stop emerging from that limo, so I’m compelled to watch. I guess Dancing with the Stars does have thick Mel B, though.

The next to nothing the chicks wear on that show make it somewhat appealing.. We’ll see. I’ll have my interns watching this for me. I can’t commit to it yet. More later.

– Lake

Golden Boy gone wild? Aww Hell No!!

September 19, 2007

Man, don’t tell me the Golden Boy done gone to Goldie Locks. What’s wrong with the world today if Oscar De La Hoya is suddenly dressing up like a woman!!??


Hey, we’re not totally sure these are real pics of Oscar De La Hoya, but dammit, they look real. No matter what, it’s all terrible. How does a Champion of the World go from this:


To dressing in drag like this:


And den, awww, from when the Golden Boy was really putting it on (lo homo) homey like dis:


and dis:


To really puttin it on one of his “homies” like dis (cringe):


Lordy, I know we aint talked in a while, but please.. please take the wheel on this one. I mean, Oscar has always been rapped for being “too soft” but dammit man, this is just taking the thing too far. I mean, I’d rather see him down low toward the canvas like dis:


Than have the homey laid out and loving it on the bajo “down low”, like this….


(myyyyy eyes)

Awwww sheeeyut, I can’t take it.


My keyboard is dirty. I’m done. Oscar, please send us a note saying it aint so. I would love nothing more than to have to retract this post, pull these joints down and whoop my own ass for putting them up there. Just say the word.. Please, tell me photoshop can do this to anybody.. Defend yourself, hell, go on the offense, something, anything. This is just too low. I can’t take it. Elizabeth, this is the big one. I’m coming... bad son.

– Brock errr Lake

Rumble Royale: Is this what boxing has come to?

May 1, 2007

One part homo, one part thug.  What a joke

What do you get when you add One Part no Homo with One Part studio Thug? Another $59.99 down the drain. Seriously, is anybody going to watch this fight?