Breaking News: First Taser Cam Video!

Oh damn.  This is the moment I’ve been waiting for.  The UvT faithful knows I love the taser.   Back when the taser cam was announced I saw nothing but unbridled opportunity.  Here it is, the first taser cam video.  Fox ATTACK!

First of all, is this a real life video game or something?  That little MF’r looked vicious.  Where and when in the hell to cops get attacked by foxes?  What’s next, are they going to get attacked by Medusa heads like in Castlevania?  I’m glad the taser cam was in full effect, otherwise we’d never see anything.  We need to tighten the visuals up with HD or something and this might become the best source of video footage ever.  Like a gangster ass version of Blair Witch.

Speaking of Blair Witch.  Lake has this tape he calls “The Lake Bitch Project”…but that’s a different story for a different time.

-Brock

Barbershop Logic: The New Gaydar

I don’t know how many of you have ever been to a black barbershop, but it is honestly one of the funniest places on earth.

It is just a bunch of Black men standing around offering either completely underinformed or hilariously overinformed opinions on everything. This one killed me though. Here’s the story.

Brian McKnight did a show here and some of the dudes in the shop went. (Of course they had to emphasize that their ladies dragged them there…and they didn’t like it) I guess at some point Brian McKnight was giving shouts out to the crowd to all the couples out there and specifically a gay male couple, saying, “I see you guys out there too, God bless you” So the original controversy was that he said “God bless you”, but the conversation rapidly turned to the fact that Brian McKnight must be gay.

Okay, first of all, 70 percent of all male pop and R&B singers automatically come under suspicion. It must have something to do with all the sensitive love songs they are putting out there. Then the barber in the booth next to me said “I always knew Brian McKnight was gay”. The debate started up “you just think that because he’s a singer”, “I thought he was gay too”, “nah, I’ve seen him in the club with some bad bitches dawg”, but my man stayed firm, 100% sure. Finally, someone called him on it and asked. “Yo why are you so sure?”

“No Pockets”

*silence*

“He never has on pockets. If your pants ain’t got no pockets…you gay” The evidence:

Damn, he’s right. No pockets. If he had pockets, the hands would be in the pockets, not on the place on his thighs where his pockets should be. I wasn’t convinced. You know me, I had to do more research.

Aw damn, I’m thinking those snakeskin pants ain’t got no pockets. There is definitely a trend here.

Then they went to Prince. I had to say, look, Prince has been with some of the baddest chicks of all time: Vanity, Carmen Electra, Apollonia, Sheena Easton, Mayte Garcia, and is currently doing it Hugh Heffner style with these two ladies.

That’s not gay to me. Sure the man wears high heels, he plays shirts vs. blouses basketball on the shores of Lake Minnetonka, but I say he’s not gay. The debate raged on until it settled down and got around to my man in the next booth.

“No Pockets”

Damn. He’s right again. Airtight logic, what could I say? I guess that gives new meaning to the term “get your pockets right”.

-Brock

“Hypermiling” – Just Get the Hell Off The Road

I get it, gas prices are high.  I’m not going to freak out about it like everyone else, but when I can’t even fill up my whole tank before the gas pump gets to the prepregrammed limit of $95 I know that something ain’t right.

I hear everyone out there struggling for gas.  I know it sucks but I’ve noticed something new and it’s pissing me off.  Have you heard of hypermiling?  It is the practice of driving in a way that allows you to get maximum mileage out of your car.  It starts with not driving like a New York cabbie.  You know going from pedal to the metal to full break every three seconds.  And it gets as extreme as drafting behind eighteen wheelers and popping your car in neutral and get pulled by the wind.

I’ve started to notice these assholes on the streets.  I mean I can’t tell you how many times in the last month I got stuck behind some Toyota Corrola going 40 miles an hour in a 55.  I expect to see this:

But instead I see some ex-dungeon master getting an extra 2 miles a gallon.

Look, either buy a car with better mileage or man up, fill up your tank and drive that damn thing.  Wanna save money, stay home or jump on the bus.  Don’t make me pay in valuable time because you don’t like gas prices.  What you cannot do is drive slow in front of me.  When you see the luxury whip coming in your rearview please slide to the side.

Thanks,

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Guys Who Put the Toilet Seat Down

This “rule” is always hilarious to me. Every dude runs into this lecture long about 3am after you are chillin’ over at a chicks house and she makes that middle of the night dash to the bathroom. She comes back and hits you with the demand that you put down the toilet seat. Sure, I’ve heard it is the rule, but who thinks about that when you are buzzin’ after the party, and can only concentrate on how good that post-cut piss feels. In fact, she should be happy that I even took the time to put the toilet seat up. I coulda just hosed the whole spot down. Fine, I’ll follow rules if it means I can cut on the regular. Then came lesson #2. “Put the toilet seat down” apparently also doesn’t mean this.

Toilet seat down, right? Nah, this ain’t it. Apparently this just means that the chick catches an assfull of icy cold porcelain in the middle of the night. So I initially thought this was just some kind of aesthetic demand, but then I figured out that these chicks just back it on in in the dark. Come on, you don’t at least check it? Is that the benefit of sitting down, that you don’t need the lights so aim so you just take the next step and feel around in the dark like the blind?

So FYI, here is what they’re looking for.

Locked, loaded and ready to go. I guess.

How about this, it is man up Monday fellas. Here’s the new rule. Do what I do. When a girl comes by the crib, demand that she leaves your toilet seat UP.

That’s what I’m talking about. Make it convenient for what I’ve got to do. I might even start trying to shoot in the dark too. Why not? It’s my mf’n house. I’ll work it out eventually. As long as I don’t catch that post-nut split stream.

Don’t act like it’s just me.

Fellas. Man Up!

-Brock

===========Update============

Dude, you aint never lied about this one.  I hate that bullshit “I’ll fallen in” nonsense.  If you fell in, it’s your own damn fault.

It’s not like men don’t have to put the seat down to hit up #2, we do and my dude, I aint fallen in yet.  I wonder why that is, oh yes, BECAUSE I’M AN ADULT WHO LOOKS DOWN BEFORE PUTTING MY ASS ANYWHERE, UmmmKay?

Yall chicks are too much.  Don’t you have enough in this world?  Engagement rings, presumptive payment of your dranks and dinners, warnings on traffic tickets, “ladies free before Eleven”….   I know, I know, “I’ve got the money to buy my own”, sure, but do you got money to buy MINE too?  Because that’s what I’m expected to have errrytime I hit the streets.  And dudes, believe me, if you don’t have the jack to pay for the whole night, just keep it low with a “it’s not delivery it’s DiGiornos” and your blockbuster pick of the week.  I mean, if you don’t got it, don’t even try.  You can’t win.

Anyway, this just aint something I’m willing to compromise on.  Seat stay up yall.  And don’t think that because the seat stays down your man or worse, the dude you’re just messing with won’t play target practice on the seat down toilet…he will.  WE ALL HAVE BEFORE.

Don’t sleep, you want that hole as large and spacious as you can possibly get it.  Talk about falling in, you’ll think you’re at that Chi Town aRa Kelly Memorial Water Park messing with Lake Jr. after a night flying with the Goose.  Book it, seats up!

– Lake, King of the Castle

I’m Shook: Booty Injections Are Running Rampant!

Us Versus Them. I’ve got a confession. I’ve been in mourning. My food doesn’t taste good. The sky just doesn’t seem as blue anymore. The leaves on the trees just don’t seem as green as they used to. My ride doesn’t seem as fast anymore.

The gel booty controversy has shaken me to my very core. For instance, this used to be my favorite Nike ad.

Is she really an athlete? Is she gellin’? I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’ve dedicated my life to the study of Assology. I developed the theory of Tailonomics. I lead the field. Once I found out about the gel…and I’m just not right. It’s like finding out Santa Claus isn’t real, that your parents don’t love each other anymore, and that Britney Spears ain’t tight any more all in the same day. I can’t take it.

Now there’s this.

This asshole is Anthony Donnell Solomon. He is down in Miami having “pumping parties” where he invites babes (and I use that term very loosely as he also helps trannys get a tailpiece…yikes). Is it really that easy? Tony Donnell up there doesn’t look like a doctor to me. He’s just rolling around the M.I.A. slanging syringes full of silicone? If this is street practice then it sure as hell is happening in legitimate places of plastic surgery.

Pumping Parties? Talk about what you don’t know won’t hurt you…but now I know. Forget “knowing is half the battle”, knowing this means that the battle is long gone and the war may be over.

I don’t know if I’m ready to give in just yet. But if these things are called pumping parties then Eddie Murphy might have been talking about Angel Lola Luv in his classic jam.

My girl wants to party all the time.

Dammit.

-Brock

==============Update==================

Truly disturbing.  I remember a time when if you heard a dude was “selling ass” you could trust that he was just running some hoes.  Then in the 90s you realized that some gay cats had gone and bastardized the term along with “DL” (which really hurt me by the way) and now this.  I mean, something aint right when you’re going to get some ass, but instead of hittin the club, you reach for your medical bag and a tube full of goo.  Lock this mufucker up and throw away the key!  This is like some scary ass, fucked up sequel to that movie Se7en.  I mean, who knows when or where these ass bandits will strike next?

Ok, but who else?  AHNT

– Lake

Video Taser: Best. Invention. Ever.

Police officers have a new weapon in the fight against crime.  Now you know Us Versus Them loves the taser…and the only thing we love more than the taser is the taser video.  Let’s get one in right quick.

Man, that just never gets old.  Even added a little “To Catch a Predator” in on that one too.  Great.  Up until now the worst thing about hearing about a taser incident is not having a video of said tasing.  Until now.

The newest version of the X26 Taser has a built in video camera.  That’s right.  When the taser is armed the camera starts rolling.  That means that every taser incident will be accompanied with a full on taser video.  This is like Kim Kardashian walking around with a camera on her belt.  You will always get the footage you want.

The only better thing would be for these things to upload directly to youtube.  Can’t wait to see the first couple of videos coming out of this. Can you imagine the “don’t tase me bro” video from the tasers perspective?

-Brock

World’s Largest Fake Breasts

The Guinness Book of World Records must be getting desperate, because they just created a new category for a young lady named, ahem…Maxi Mounds (probably not her real name. If it is, her parents drove her to her current profession) for the “World’s largest augmented breasts“.

You know how they say “you can never have too much of a good thing”? Well that is why I never listen to “they” because whoever “they” is clearly has no idea what the fuck they are talking about. That is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

With Lake’s recent assault on the fake j, this is going to send him off the deep end. I guess Maxi’s pair here is 36 MM and growing due to some plastic irritant that causes the breasts to keep growing. That can’t be worth it, can it?

Well, Maxi is about to get another World Record from UvT. The world’s biggest fakeys deserve the world’s biggest asterisk.

Congrats Maxi. You might just be the first inductee into the “Them Hall of Fame”.

-Brock

The New Meaning of Banana in the Tailpipe

I don’t want to write this. It is literally the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of. Hey look, I don’t know what the loyal Us Versus Them readers do in their personal lives, but I’ve been exposed to a lot of things. You know how you can imagine the craziest, most fucked up thing possible? But then there are things that are so wild that you can’t possibly think it is real? This is one of those things. Take a look at this:

Car and car model. Simple right. You may check out the car and appreciate the design, but you also check out the woman, nice j’s, thick through the thigh, proper arch of the back to try to show she’s working with something. That is why they put half dressed women in pictures of cars, so that someone might actually pause on a page that they might normally just breeze by. Well, there are people among us that are looking at the car. Not because they like cars…because they like cars. These freaks see this:

I’m talking headlights and tailpipes. There are apparently “Mechaphiliacs” out there who have sex with cars, and this guy, Edward Smith, is apparently the Wilt Chamberlain of fucking cars because he claims to have tailpiped over 1,000 motor vehicles. Like Hugh Hefner, he’s settled down with a Herbie the Luv Bug look-alike named “vanilla” that he calls his “girlfriend”.

So where the rest of us see this:

Sure there’s a mini cooper, and that chick might be terrible, and those stripper heels are completely unacceptable, but everyone checks the thong. Ed only sees this:

What a sick, sick dude. Ed, when R. Kelly said “You remind me of my Jeep” he meant that he wanted to ride the babe he was with like his favorite whip. What he didn’t do was meet a chick in the club and think to himself, “I can’t wait to get home and jump in the backseat and bang out my cup holders. Meanwhile, no one should ever ride with Ed anywhere, ever, not never, evaevaeva.

The craziest and most disturbing thing? Ed ain’t by himself. Check out this dude’s breakdown of hitting your favorite ride from the back doe armed with nothing but a beer coozy, some tape and some leverage. Here’s an excerpt.

If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short)
period of time, the tailpipe will be hot.  Do not do anything with the
tailpipe hot.  Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off.  The tailpipe will
cool off faster than the engine, so you don't have long to wait.  I call
screwing the car while the tailpipe is hot, "fucking the car hot".
Never fuck a car hot.  I did, once.  Once.

Really? Who does this? What makes you go at it the first time? Is there a gateway vehicle? A bike where the seat rides up, or a motorcycle with a bad attitude? Do Pedomechanaphiliacs have a bunch of Power Wheels locked up in their basement? He goes on to talk about how sharp tailpipes are and why you need to watch out for soot. You’re dealing with an expert.

Here’s my question. If they like this, does that make them gay?

-Brock.

Big Brown: Can’t Lose With That Name

I normally don’t watch horse racing, you know what…I didn’t even watch it this time, but Big Brown has been dragging the field so much it is hard to ignore.

I don’t know if Big Brown is on that Roger Clemens program, but no one else is even close. As a matter of fact, if human athletes get suspended for using horse steroids, what kind of steroids do horses need to do? What other animals are on those roids?

This bull is definitely on that stuff

Like I said, with a name like Big Brown, you can’t lose. The name is way tougher than typical horse names. You know Nacho Cheese, Ickabad Crane, My Dear Watson and the like. Big Brown is whooping so much ass my man Grande Smoove in the ATL said he wanted to get a Big Brown racing jacket like the jockey.

Those blue stars ain’t for everyone, but that could be a hot motorcycle jacket.

Big Brown just passed Bobby Brown, Big Boi, and Bill Buckner are the most famous Double B’s in the world. (Triple B from the comments still stands alone for the moment.) Big Black from Rob & Big isn’t too happy about it though.

The horse might win the race, but I’ve got Big Black in a fight.

-Brock

Attack of the Flying Penis

Is the UvT crowd up on Second Life? Probably not, it is a pretty “them” activity. It is like the Sims without anything to do, like World of Warcraft without magic and Paladins and shit. You just create a fake you and hang out with other fake people. Marketing people talk about it like it is the future of advertising and communication. Nike is in there, Honda, Sprite. All these companies ran to make sure they had fake stores for all the fake people to look at their fake products. But in reality it probably isn’t. There really aren’t that many people who actually use it, as I said there is nothing to do when you get there, and as always in the land of anonymity, there are too many assholes.

The one thing they do is try to ruin any sort of major attempt to do anything legitimate in the space by throwing penises around the room.

There it is. The future of human interaction.

Now that is not funny. This is. Someone actually figured out how to do this in real life. Now I don’t know what the hell this dude is talking about, but you’ve gotta wait until about 20 seconds in.

Who took the time to turn the dildo into a helicopter? Excuse me, helicockter. Jet Blew. Cocktinental Airlines. I can do this all day. The only thing better would have been if they were actually able to hit someone in the head with it before the security dude slapped it out of the air.

Can’t wait until some frat boy pulls this in his Poly Sci lecture this fall.

-Brock