Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category

Busta Must Like it Rough

September 9, 2008

I’m not talking about in bed.  Can Laurie Anne Gibson be anything but a mental beatdown in real life?  How many times can you hear her call you “muffin” before you completely lose your mind?

It is no blue leotard, but that is about the best I’ve ever seen Laurie Anne Gibson look right there.  We know she likes the Boom Boom Cack, but it looks like Busta is planning the Cack Cack Boom for later.

By the way, peep this complete TRAINWRECK I just found on Youtube.  Now we know what Laurie Anne was doing on her brief hiatus.

…and we also know why she came back to her real job.

“Did you miss me?”

-Brock

American Idol Has A New Host. Uh Oh.

August 27, 2008

I have to admit.  I didn’t get with the last season of American Idol.  It is really all beginning to run together to me.  Especially since they don’t seem to be star makers anymore.  There aren’t any Kelly Clarksons or Carrie Underwoods out there.  Daughtry did his thing, but he wasn’t even a finalist.  I’ll say it, you can’t let the American People actually choose a star.  They aren’t smart enough to know what they actually want.  Honestly, the truth of the matter is I don’t actually believe they let the American people choose the winners anyway.  Anyway, they just announced that AI will be rocking a fourth judge this year.  Kara DioGuardi.

So what does everyone think.  Is she going to be niceCool?  Or mean?  Come on, there are only three prototype personalities on these shows.  OK, you can add crazy to the mix.  She’s got to be one.  I just hope she has her own opinion.  Paula doesn’t make up her own mind without Randy, that is why they never let her go first.  I guess this woman has handled the careers of several of the idols, so she knows what she’s looking for.  I’ll tell you this though…just looking at the pictures, she looks like a younger fresher version of Paula to me.

Maybe just younger.  Looks like more of what Paula is serving up here.  I actually can’t wait to see the first, no talent, fame baiting, can’t sing, crazy dressing, loser look Kara dead in the face and say “who the hell are you?”

Well Kara, you better watch your back.  If Paula ever mentions the fact that she couldn’t get her meds refilled while she was on the road…

She’ll cut your ass.  You can’t just jump on the gravy train once it’s rollin.  It sounds like about 33% too much commentary to me.  Let’s have 33% more losers looking for their 15 minutes of fame.  And bring back the real shit talking too, American Idol has gotten too soft.  Oh well, you’ve got to tweak it somehow.  This show jumped the shark when they let this dude win.

That was the beginning of the end right there.

-Brock

Big Brother 10: Ollie is a Son of A…

August 12, 2008

Preacher man.  What did you think I was going to say?

For those who aren’t up on Big Brother 10 (and why not?  This is solid summer programming)  Let me tell you about Ollie (real name Bryan Ollie).  This brother is the son of a preacher, has never had a sip of the devils nectar (he doesn’t drink), doesn’t curse, doesn’t smoke, played Football on full scholarship at Iowa State.  His father’s church is the real deal.  I’m talking faith healing, speaking in tongues, the whole nine.  I mean he really sounds like a good wholesome dude.

Oh and another thing?  Ollie is banging out April, the blonde haired white girl in the house like the next time might be his last time.

I’m talking about in broad daylight under a blanket.  I’m talking about in night vision.  Not to mention the fact that there is a straight up 24 hour a day live webcam feed going on in the house.  That means that everytime they get busy, that joint is being beamed all over the world live.

Now I haven’t been to church in a long time, but who cares if you don’t drink when you will cut on the internet live?  I doesn’t seem that impressive if you flaunt your principles and you are having sex every which-a-way.  Aren’t we picking our sins here?

I’m sure Ollie has the “I LV GSUS” licence plate.  I’m sure he doesn’t eat pork because he does not “partake in the cloven hoof”.  He is probably firm in his belief that all Jews and Muslims are going straight to hell because they have not accepted Jesus as their lord and savior.  Unprotected, premarital sex?  Hey, everyone needs one vice, right?

Look, normally I wouldn’t point this out, but Ollie ain’t making love here.  Once April won some privacy up in the HOH room, Ollie started fuckin.  I mean gettin it.  Don’t believe me?  Peep this. (NSFW, don’t turn up the volume either)

There hasn’t been night vision action like that since Paris Hilton.  It really starts getting loose at long about the 2:50 mark.  I didn’t watch it, but that is what I hear.  I mean slap it up, flip it, rub it down Ohhnooooooooo!

Look, when I saw that Ollie was that classic, comfortable with everyone football player, but I didn’t know he could run game like that.  I mean is it part of what they cover in practice?

That’s not Ollie, but you can tell they we’re trained in the game at the same school.  Look at this cat.  Got six chicks throwing the shocker.

Ollie.  You have one of the strongest games I’ve ever seen on Big Brother.  In fact, you might be the US Reality pimp of all time.  Sure your lady let an old dude grab her j’s on national tv as soon as she walked into the house, but she’s still a catch.  Oh, and she caught you giving Janelle a little too much love the other night.  Blonde girls are your kryptonite, huh?

Play on Playa.  Us Versus Them salutes you.

-Brock

Big Brother 10: Is Jesse Serious?

August 7, 2008

BIg Brother 10 is still rolling and it is finally getting to the point where it is actually interesting.  All the chicks who were unacceptable ugly three weeks ago are now curiously interesting.  Ollie is still rocking a hat.  Libra is still turrible.  Keesha is still a white girl with a black name, and Jerry is still confused confusing.

This dude is the first one to turn being an “ornery, angry ol coot” into a strategy.  I’m sure he’ll try to say yelling at everyone in the house was part of his strategy, but in reality he’s sticking around because there is no way in hell he can win.  He’ll float to the end unless someone needs an easy “I don’t want to offend anyone” week.

By the way.  Was there anyone more excited than Ollie when April won HOH?  I mean these cats have been cutting in full on lights and public, Ollie has got to be straight beating it up now that they have the HOH room and a locked door.

And when I say beating it up, I’m not talking about jabs and uppercuts.  I feel sorry for the next HOH.  I feel even worse for the staffer that has to roll up in there and change those sheets.

That brings us to “more than just a body” Jesse.

First of all, this cat doesn’t speak in full sentences.  Miss South Carolina thinks he’s incoherent.  Second, that going away speech he gave to Steven was completely off key.  “I hope I can be an inspiration to you.  Now you know your body and have seen what I have been able to accomplish, so I wish you good luck in your training.”

Muthafucka you’re a weightlifter, not a damn Shaolin monk.  Nobody is trying to snatch the pebble out of your dumbass hand.  Finally, what is up with this dude’s “If I’m in trouble I’ll just REALLY piss people off” strategy?  I don’t think he’ll go tomorrow, but he’s working on it.

Final thought.  Julie Chen is the worst host on any reality show, other than maybe that I Love Money guy.  But every once in a while she wears something that jumps out at a brother like she might be packing some thunder somewhere.  It is all camera trickery, but it sneaks up on a brother.

I got my eye on you Julie Chen.  You don’t end up marrying the head of your network by mistake.  I know you’ve got some tricks up your sleeve.  By the way, since you know the man up top, can you convince CBS to give you some better technology for talking to the house.  That bama ass remote control corded white thing you carry every Thursday is just awkward.  Surely they can control that from the booth.

-Brock

I Love Money…But I Hate This Show

August 5, 2008

Flavor of Love was entertaining.  I Love New York was pretty good.  Rock of Love had a second season so someone watched it.  They took the wildest cats from all these shows and put them all together.  I thought it would be great, another trainwreck waiting to happen.  First of all, there is not enough of this:

More Hoopz please.  Take a cue from Real World/Road Rules Challenge an throw her in some spandex, drop her in some water or some baby oil and make her slide on a piece of glass or jump in a baby pool or something.  Meanwhile, she’s barely on the show.  That turned my excitement level from about 7…seben purnt faave to long ’bout 3.  Too much turrible Toastee and Pumkin.

Problem number two?  This guy.

Who is this guy and how did he get this job?  There hasn’t been a host this bad since Jonny Moseley.  This guy is useless.

Problem Three:  The Stallionaires aren’t the Stallionaires any more.

People refer to them like they are dominating the game, but they are useless.  Real is kinda a punk in competition, and Chance just taps out at every opportunity.  These guys should be the new age Chill Town.  You’ve got an alliance you can trust built right in.  They should be running this game.

Problem Four: We need more of this.

Correction, that was terrible.

I’m caught up now.  I need to at least speed Tivo through this thing just in case they take my advice on Hoopz.  I mean Big Brother someone managed to find the least attractive, least demonstrative women ever to agree to have their entire lives broadcast on live tv?  Aren’t these chicks supposed to be struggling actresses or half porn stars?  Can we get some half buck naked every once in a while?  At least a swimsuit, a tan?  Can we mix it in?  Thanks.

Until Survivor or RW/RR challenge comes back on, it’s all I’ve got.

Dammit.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Martin Lawrence

August 4, 2008

I didn’t want to do this.  I really didn’t.  I used to love Martin Lawrence, I’ve got every episode of his show memorized.  But I can’t take it anymore.

I mean he was funny as hell back then.  Ol’ Otis the security guard, Tyrone, even Shenehneh even though I’m not really down with the cross-dressing shits.  Even after that, Martin hit us with Bad Boys, Nothing to Lose (which is quietly hilarious), Life, Blue Streak (even though Dave Chappelle killed it in his small part).  Then it was over.   Big Momma’s house seems to be the turning point.

When was the last time this dude was funny?  I just saw two horrible joints back to back.  College Road Trip and Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins.

I mean those two joints were mothafackin turrible.  I mean I was trapped on an airplane for 5 hours when they showed that damn College Road Trip and I still almost didn’t finish it.  I voluntarily watched Roscoe Jenkins, but the bad part was, everyone was funny but Martin Lawrence.  The trailer seemed funny, but it just didn’t all come together right.

Why does this always happen?  All the great comedians fall off, can’t my generation get one comedian that doesn’t go out like a complete punk?  Where’s out Richard Pryor?  Our Redd Foxx?  Our Bill Cosby?  Martin Lawrence…lost it.  Eddie Murphy…fell off.  Chris Tucker…I barely remember him being funny at all he’s so terrible now.  Dave Chappelle might be done now too, I just haven’t seen him do anything at all since he disappeared into Africa after the Chappelle’s Show debacle.  He’ll probably come back dressed like a woman too and it will be the beginning of the end of his career.  It will be his Big Momma’s Norbit, Doubtfire, Ruby Rhod moment.

So what went wrong? I’ve pinpointed it.  The leather suit.  You can’t be funny without the leather suit.  I know this sounds like barbershop logic, but hear me out.  Watch.

Funny.

Not funny.

Funny.

Not funny.

Funny.

Not funny. And from the look on his face, he knows it.

Who’s left?  Chris Rock?  Jamie Foxx?  Someone let them know to keep the closet stocked with the leather jumpsuit or their career is in serious jeopardy.  If you ask Lake, he’s already convinced that “Fur is the new Funny”.  Look, I’m down for whatever works at this point.

Martin I need to to sit down at the crib, put “You So Crazy” on repeat, break out the leather suit and get back to basics.  You were one of the best.  Now man up and get your swagger back.

Martin, Man Up!

-Brock

Mr. Belding: He Wasn’t a Principal, He Was A Pimp-cipal

July 30, 2008

It seemed like Saved by the Bell was on TV for long about forever.

It was on so long, I don’t even recognize that dude in the top left.  Who the hell is he?  They really must not have needed his ass because he got clipped and not replaced.  He looks like he’s supposed to be the cool ’80’s music teacher or something.  I also know I’m going to have a Lisa Turtle/Lark Voorhees flashback before this is all said and done.

Here’s the question, if you had to look at all the guys in this picture and predict who is pimpin’…who would it be. (Aside from the aforementioned Beaker looking guy…Seriously, who is that?)  Zack Morris?  Actually, where the hell is that dude and when was the last time her worked?  “Saved By the Bell: They Got Jobs Now“?  Screech?  He does have a sex tape (yes I didn’t look for nor link to it on purpose).  Slater?  Isn’t he dancing with the Stars?  Was that him?  It was right, so he’s got that bad dancing chick.  Well you’re all wrong.  The correct answer is Mr. Muthafackin’ Belding.  Peep this.

Mr. Belding is gettin’ it in Vegas.  Three chicks, trying to grab some high thigh, still dressed like a principal.  Don’t believe it’s him?

That’s him, and that’s not Lisa Turtle…she might be hiding a few turtles though.  So is Mr. Belding really pimping, can he strike a pose?

Nice, Mr. Belding.  Still got that sense of humor.  That pic is hilarious.  The classic “slap that ass” pic must have been right after this one.  What is this guy doing other than enjoying life?  Oh, and this isn’t news by the way, this is apparently what this guy does.  Talk about stretching out your 15 minutes of fame.  These chicks probably think it’s cute to bang Mr. Belding.

And for the record:

Lark Voorhees can still get it.  She looks like a regular chick too.  I might have to holler at her and Betty Okino and have a quick 80’s fantasy flashback.

-Brock

New Edition: A Career Retrospective

July 9, 2008

OK, not really.  But what I will do is overanalyze this picture as an indication of their careers individually and as a group.


Ralph Tresvant: Ralph is still holding on to that old thang.  He released his own solo album, he’s still a man with sensitivity, and so he still knows that he needs to break out the shades and the semi-shiny suit with the black suit like he is still a superstar.  At night, when he goes to sleep he still wonders why he became Nick Lachey instead of flipping his front man status into Michael Jackson.

Ronnie DeVoe: Ronnie also wore that suit to church last Sunday.  His gear just lets you know he’s not in the business anymore.  He is not an entertainer.  I’ve got better suits than that in my closet and I’m not going to the BET awards.  Awards shows are your opportunity to wile out and get that “only wear it once” outfit.  Ronnie is just trying to drum up real estate business in Atlanta.  Step yo game up Ronnie.

Michael Bivins: See he gets it.  He’s still on TV rolling with Diddy.  He has a deal with the NBA as a correspondent, hell, he’s probably still making that Boys II Men money.  Sure, he’s wearing a purple jacket with super-wide lapels with a pimptastic bow tie, but at least the man is trying.  Once a star, always a star…he’s still in the business because he gets the business.

Ricky Bell:  As always, Ricky is par for the course.  Ricky had the only real voice in Bell Biv Devoe, without Ralph Tresvant stealing his shine, he got to show his stuff.  That “Something in your Eyes” is still the jam right now.

Johnny Gill:  Johnny always thinks he is sexier than he really is.  That is why his shirt is unbuttoned down to his belly button.  And if the rumors are true, that might not be the only reason his shirt is open so far.  Johnny still isn’t an official member of New Edition as far as I’m concerned.  He replaced Bobby Brown and has always been the one on the outside.  You can tell Johnny believes he needs to make up ground and always knew he did.  He worked waaaaaay to hard in the “Rub You the Right Way” video.

I mean he’s dancing hard as hell.  Hilarious.

That brings us to Bobby Brown:  What the hell is Bobby doing back there?  First of all, when did he develop the mush mouth?  Why does he look like he just smelled some shit?  Is that suit Olive?  He looks like he needs a drink right now.  The King of R&B knows he needs to keep milking his fame before he ends up doing this:

Now all I need is a recent picture of Jodeci all together and I’d really go to town.

-Brock

Tropic Thunder: This Looks Hilarious

May 27, 2008

Robert Downey Jr. is in the movie of the year. No, not Iron Man…Tropic Thunder. Wait hear me out on this. Here’s Robert Downey Jr.

Everyone knows RDJ. But here he is in Tropic Thunder as Kirk Lazarus:

Offended by his black face performance? Sure, maybe at first, but somehow it works. Here’s the joke, Downey Jr is playing a white man who is playing a white man who is cast as a Black man in a movie. So he commits hard and stays in character no matter what. Seriously, you’ve got to watch this

That looks like it is worth seeing.

-Brock

J.K. Rowling: Stop Making Sh*t Up

March 25, 2008

J.K. Rowling is the author of the Harry Potter books…you know the books that sold about 100 bazillion copies, resurrected reading in the United States, spawned 8 movies from seven books, and will probably have a social and cultural impact on society even larger than Star Wars. (By the way, does that mean Hermione will have her “Princess Leia in the golden bikini” moment? We’ll see.)

emma-watson.jpg

Hermione’s got the eye of the tiger…

So J.K. Rowling is one of the most powerful authors in the world, that is probably a lot to live up to. You’d think she would calm down and stack that paper and lay low while she tries to figure out how to make sure her next book is not a colossal letdown. (Unless it is about Harry Potter as a grown ass man, it is pretty much inevitable that it will be) You haven’t seen Scott Brown release another book since The DaVinci Code, have you? God and the saints haven’t written another book since the Bible, either. When your book transcends everything that has come before it, you might be a little nervous about coming out with something new.

So instead of fading into obscurity, J.K. Rowling is keeping herself busy by throwing out ridiculous stories about every six months. First, she reveals that Dumbledore was gay. You didn’t think you might want to mention that in the first 4,200 pages? No? Couldn’t make the edit, huh? That’s because you made that shit up!

dumbledoregay.jpg

You know the theme song…boomb-ssst, boomb-ssst, boomb-ssst What is Love? Baby don’t hurt me, no mo.

Now we find out that she wanted to commit suicide before she wrote Harry Potter. Nice. J.K. let me tell you. The whole “homeless so I wrote Harry Potter on the back of coffee store napkins” was a great story when you began coming up and making your mark, but no one feels sorry for you anymore. You are a freaking billionaire, no one wants to hear your problems anymore.

jk-rowling.jpg

I know, I know, you are really, really sad.

What’s next, Harry Potter’s parents weren’t killed, and he was actually the love child of Peter Parker and Mork from Ork? That your latest mansion’s pool heater only heats on one side? Chill out J.K. everyone still loves you, we all have great memories, just let it rest there. Can you do that for a brother? Thanks.

-Brock