Yawn: The Worst MTV Video Music Awards Ever

Disclaimer:  Since this was the worst MTV VMAs I’ve ever seen, this is perhaps equally the worst post I’ve ever written.  And I’ll tell you why.  It’s really hard to write about something that is so boring, so terrible, just so damn wack.  I mean, it brings you down.  I tried to put a few decent observations, but honestly, this Z minus level show basically ruined my week.  But I wrote it live, so I feel compelled to post.  So here it goes, I can’t vouch for any of it.

So I was hoodwinked into watching these VMAs with the lady with the idea that I would get a chance to see a solid Britney Spears train wreck part deux.  Need I remind you of last year’s showing?

I mean, the cats kept hitting us with that “Britney is opening the VMAs” rhetoric, so I thought I’d be getting something I wanted.  But when they show opened up, it was literally just her walking in, taking her place at the podium and delivering one of the more uninspiring “welcome speeches” I’ve ever heard in my life.  I should have known at that very moment to turn the TV off and walk away.  Surprise, I didn’t.

Damn, on a positive note, is that old school, 2001 Britney?  Damn, I must say, I’m almost impressed, but it can never be like it was.

Damn, that shit is just crazy.  Britney was literally like a LeBron James level talent.  She was ridiculous!

Curses, suddenly I realized that these MTV fools done hit me with the bait and switch.  Here I am, thinking I’m about to see a Sarah Palin-esque, T&A “change” performance from Brit and then it happened.  Awww, some crazy ass Rihanna techno song I don’t like with some middle earth cretins stomping the yard and Rih Rih sitting on high with a 3 story ball gown.

And then right on cue, Rihanna starts showing me what I already knew:  That she’s literally the only chick of West Indian descent on record who cannot dance to save her life.

Then Dark Knight Joker meets Carrot Top came out to host the show.

Say what?  Who is this cat and why are his pants so tight?  The first thing I thought was, “oh, that’s that terrible Jesse cat from that ‘I want to be a vj’ contest back from the dead.”  Then he spoke and I immediately wondered if I was the only one who had finally gotten sick of hearing all these British accents.  Well, at least he kept it real with that “none of you know who I am”..  Ahh, honesty I can finally rally around.  And then homey started cutting into Bush and the Republicans with a bunch of one line zingers:

“I’m for Barack Obama…you recently elected that retarded cowboy fella.”

“In England, George Bush wouldn’t be trusted with a pair of scissors.”

“Use a condom or become a Republican.”

Damn, he’s half funny, like a Sacha Baron Cohen meets the trench coat mafia.  Anyway, to add to my misery, they then introduced some soft looking cats named the Jonas Brothers who had the nerve to start signing.

Who buys this trash?  And who in the hell are the Jonas Brothers?  Oh, the lady says that they’re just Hansen reinvented.  God, this is the worst VMAs ever.  I mean, the crowd is bored, the performers are terrible and even the presenters look disinterested.  So Jaime Foxx, realizing this, came out yelling “wake up, wake up.”  Dude, you know shit aint right when a cat has to tell people to wake up.  I haven’t seen a crowd this stunned since back at Duke when the Ques did the “Pussy Step” with three dudes (total!) at the step show…  You just had to be there, but trust me, it was so terrible that it was hilarious.

I know, I know, the Ques just like to go hard with the bruhs..  ahnt (I said it)

Anyway, so then they started in with “the best female video” and then the lady over in my easy chair made a great point, “why are these bad videos getting nominated for best video”?  And then Britney Spears won.  Say what?  I forgot that she had an album last year.  Then Britney went ahead and thanked God….Which immediately started to make me laugh and then the lady said, and I’m not kidding me, “hey, that’s an AA step”…Jeez.

Has it really come to that?  Thanking God to get off the goose?

Goodness, what a debacle this is.  Then Weezy came out and was fairly terrible.

Not really his fault, rap never does really translate well to a live format.  But he didn’t have to rock the tight sag with the full on drawls coming out the back.  Then Jordin Sparks came out looking like some kind of Extra Large Living Teddy Graham as she babbled about promise rings and being a slut.  Perfect.

Dude, John Legend looks scared.

Anyway, I can’t continue with this.  This was hands down the worst program I’ve ever seen on MTV.  Oh and they topped it off with Kanye’s outdoor contest where he sang, OFF KEY MIND YOU, for an entire song with some Beijing drummers and tight ass suit.

God it was awful.

1.  Dude, singing hooks is one thing, but YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY SING and nobody wants you to sing. Do hot beats, make tricky hooks and make us laughs occasionally.  Just because Andre 3000 sang on his album doesn’t mean you can.  In short, do what you do and stay in your lane.

2.  Please get that wig cut off. Homey aint got a head that can sustain a lot of hair, especially with that temple taper.

Boy, NOTHING went right tonight and in honor of that, I didn’t post shit.  Blame it on MTV…

– Lake

==========Update===========

To add insult to injury, Britney won THREE Moon Men.. THREE.

I mean, I know all awards are basically random and based on zero criteria, but what in the hell is wrong with videos generally, when Brit wins THREE awards for ONE SONG.  She’s not even a relevant artist at this point.  Goodness.  What a joke.

—————UPDATE—————–

I don’t know quite how we got there, but KIR in NV just said that the next time she sees Carrot Top in Vegas, she’s gonna ask him if he likes P-U Double Dolla Sign Y.  Hilarious.  The ladies of UvT really kill it.  Read the comments people!

Lake’s Perfunctory Chicks Post

Now I know there are all kinds of worthy topics out there.  You’ve got Hillary’s bullshit win in West Vir-tucky last night, the fact that Jeter, Johnny Damon and the human sweat gland, Jason “the Juice” Giambi share a gold thong and hell, I don’t know, those two gay facers squaring off in the increasingly irrelevant American Idol final.  But I don’t want to talk about that.  In fact, I won’t talk about that.  Do you know why?  Because I come out here and blog semi everyday for “us” but still I get criticized by these half haters for everything I’m NOT doing.  Like my boy, “Freddie Beef” graduating from Harvard right about now, this cat had the audacity to roll on me the other day talking about how I’m “getting soft on that ho game.” 

I mean, this cat was literally like, “yeah Lake, the blog is cool and all.  I feel you on that Republican bullshit and those religious right cats are completely ridiculous, but what about these chicks son?  I mean, quit that chit chat ‘for that blog is flat on it’s bizzack…fool.” 

Mutha-fucka!  Now I know how Allen Iverson felt with that whole “Practice” and “why do I have to” rants.  I don’t give you enough lows, pink tizzoes and hizzoes?  Me?!  Are you farging kidding me? (and yes that was a hot Johnny Dangerously reference).  Yall want the ladies?  I’mma give you some ladies. 

Let’s start off with a newly married Mariah Carey Cannon.  Dude, remember when I praised her long about two weeks ago for her Hollywood smooth body piece?  Well, I guess it’s like my girl Jabz B from DC says, “Everything is fake,” because Mimi is beginning to look exactly like who we thought she was.

Say what?  Yo, is it just me or is everybody just going dead up tits out, I’m free and buck-ed naked?  I mean, that’s not the outfit I think it is, is it?  Angle two please…

Damn, it’s like Kanye said in Diamonds, no not “how could you falter when you’ve got rocks of Gibralter“… it’s that “How could something so wrong, make me feel so right…Right?”  Now I’m not sure how that applies, but it’s exactly what I feel when I peep this picture.  I mean, nipples fully exposed.  Breasts just all the way out and stomach not quite looking right.  Yep, one week post wedding and Mariah’s already falling into utter disrepair with a plethora of code violations to boot. 

Damn…  I mean, it aint negative ass, but it sure as hell aint positive either.  I mean, what are we really looking at here?  An evening dress?  An all hallows outfit?  Yeah, I see the red carpet, but for all of our sake, I’m just going to assume she’s at Target shopping for some more appropriate drawls for that “dress.”  Yikes. 

Damn, I need to cleanse my palate after that.  Hmmmm, how would I do that?  Ah yes, with some country fried, Jessica Biel goodness…

Wow, do I hear birds chirping?  And why is there a subtle but steady crescendo in my ear to the beat of that Genuwine (that spelling, while accurate, is crazy by the way) classic “So Anxious“?  Maybe it’s the bronzer she’s got going on that upper thigh, just talking to a nilla.

“It’s ten-ten….where you been?  Did you get my message?”  Timberlake has to be the eternal UvT man of the year for this babe. 

Anyway, let’s keep this thang rolling.  We’ve pitted good against terrible and then terrible against good.  I mean, it’s like a Chick Picture version of the Paul Pierce v. LeBron battle in game 7.  So after that lovely specimen known as Biel, you know I gotta hit ya with a force for not good.  Yep, you guessed it, Rihanna making it drought on these bros. 

 

Say WHAT?  I can’t lie, this is the best I’ve EVER seen this babe.  I mean, she’s looking downright tasty right chere in what I can only describe as a “light in the thigh, look in the eye” special.  And while he told me she’s far too geriatric for his purposes, even a soon to be jailed aRa “He a damn Lie” Kelly had to come out of hiding to take in that silky wholesome goodness. 

Can she do it again? 

Awwww…..no.  Ok, I just gotta stay positive.  How can I turn this around, oh I know, let me crack open my Smooth Girl and see what they — oh yes, my girl Buckeey… right on time.

Hey, aint no doubting that.  That’s why I like Buckeey, because even though that window dressing might be fake, those Dow Jones like fundamentals are rock solid…literally.  

Smooth girl indeed.  Ok, now knowing the ladies who read this blog like I do, I’m pretty sure that a clean 54% of you are feeling just about like this right now:

But that’s ok becuase like Shaunie O’neal, you pretty much knew what you were buying when you decided to F with Lake and Brock to begin with.

 

See?

– Lake

Study: 1 Out of 4 US Teens Have an STD

Damn, something about that doesn’t seem right, but then again there is this:

So I guess it all makes sense:

You know who is really pissed off? This dude.

Then again, I guess if all he wants to do is pee on chicks, he’s ok from distance.

Ha, yes I’m an asshole. But this time it’s for a good cause.

– Lake

Britney Jr. is Preggers, of course she is!!!

The blogs are blowing up about Jaime Lynn Spears being pregnant. Well, of course she’s pregnant, she’s Jaime Lynn Spears aka Britney Jr. Jr. which means two things, 1. She’s f*cking all the time and 2. She’s country stupid. Remember this?

Brit was showing her the ropes back then and from the look of the expression on that face, she already had some ahem field study underway. Jaime Lynn is now the same age Britney was when she unleashed the freak back in her first recording days. It’s only natural that a 16 year old Jaime will endeavor to cut raw dog and get knocked up just like her sister did back then.

The questions is not “Is she Pregnant?”, if you’re a Spears girl and above the age of 15, you’re either preggers or fixin to be, the issue is whether she’ll be preggers for long! My guess is no.

Come on now, yall know Brit was 5 months away from either “gonna be pregnant” or “used to be pregnant” in that shot. It’s just the way of the young and stupid freak.

Damn, I’m always surprised at how tight Britney used to look. Intern, run another Brit pic at me for old times sake.

Oh yes, I remember it well. My goodness, it’s pretty crazy when you consider how far she’s fallen off.

– Lake

——–UPDATE———

Damn.  That is messed up. I was going to put ol’ Jamie-Lynn on the watch list for the second coming of Britney.  She had a shot once she filled out and got the Spears family boob job.  At least Britney got a few glory years in.  Now Brit Jr. is going to go straight from this:

To this:

By the way, the interns found this pic I had never seen before.

She just propped right up in those boots, huh?  Damn…the thrill is gone.  The best part of the internet may just be the instantly accessible preservation of these memories.

-Brock

You ready B?

I’m not much of a crotch shot guy. You won’t see the south of Paris or Britney’s open-faced roast beef sandwhich or even Lindsay’s fire starter on this blog. It’s just not where it’s at. It’s not who we are. With that said, if she wants to keep her naked ass off this blog, Beyonce is going to have to learn to keep her damn clothes on (not that I’m complaining).

Big girls gone good. This is an aside, but we all know that big chick with the cute face and the solid core body frame that just needs to lose a clean 25-38 pounds to live gloriously. Well, B is that chick. She’s done it. Look at that perfect melding of the strong, fit core with the thick laid over the top perfectly. Pretty impressive. Back to what I was saying, young B has had a rash of illicit body part sightings. First it was the NSFW, ‘ready when you are B’, dip it low, pick it up slow, baby maker faux pas. Now this:

My bad, I meant, this:

Hey, you gotta respect the au natural J game, but why can’t we apply those same principles to that wig piece? She’s gotta have enough under there to just kick it on vacay, no? What about this joint?

I own, know, whoever that little rug rat is Jay seems to be enjoying his company thoroughly (more even than the company of that exposed nipple-breast combo he’s got to his immediate right), but B doesn’t seem to share his enthusiasm. If I had to put my money down, I’d say we’re looking at the back of Joseph Camel Jr. Jr.?

Probably. Much respect to the first family of hip hop though. Now hurry up and get that marriage done so my man Brock can run the over-under numbers on the divorce date.

– Hatin’ Lake (why must I hate on these two?)

The Ladies: Since we’ve been gone

Look, Lake the Don has been busy handling a lil bitniz, but I figured I’d let yall understand a few things about the world we live in because the more things change, the more they stay the same. First off, Kim Kardashian is still smoking hot and she still has plenty of ass for the rest of black Hollywood and NYC to get at.

Enjoy fellas . Beyonce continues to impress.

“Damn, rest in peace Apollo Creed, she’s a monster, everyday is Halloween.”

Wow, if she could just get a believable and consistent wig game, I’d be really ready to certify her as a UvT level babe. I mean, I know most of the star’s hair is fake, but B just takes it all to a whole different level. Speaking of different level, I just never get tired of posting up these Jessica Biel pictures.

(does it get any better?)

Nice. Oh and we found out Britney was f*cking when she was 14… I know ones of people are shocked at that. Come on now, she was cutting in the trailer of her first video shoot. She’s a freak and though yall may not like to admit it, freak doesn’t know any age.. Come on, the first single was called “Hit me baby one more time.” That was no accident. Hell, even her promotional “innocent” shots were freakum joints.

Clearly Brit was ahem “all in” during this era. What are you going to tell me next, that she got breast implants?

Remember that first video, she just came in kicking and wilin out in that little school girl outfit?

I know, I know, she was empowering young women. It was just an extension of girl power… It was a statement. Right. Well, yall are kinda right, she was powerful.

Finally, I’ll post this up because I know plenty of you degenerates out there don’t care if a babe is virtual or in you warm embrace. Lake, he likes the real thing. That’s why I don’t get with these digitized hotties, but I know plenty of you have a jones for this Naked E-Angelina Jolie, so here you go.

I hope you enjoy. That aint here though. Uncensored joints which I can’t really say are NSFW are HERE.

– Lake

Throwback: Britney at her best

Sometimes we can forget just how tight Britney once was.

And sure, you can say she was all airbrushed up, but even her more candid shots used to really look right…

Again, I’m a fan of Ms. Spears and I want to see her do well.

If nothing else, Mel B has shown us that you can take it back to the pre baby form with a little work.

(Wow, the beginning of an era my friends….)

Brit just needs to lay off the drinks, pick up the white horse and hit that gym/dance studio like she once did.

Anyway, I suspect her body will make it back. I’m thinking positive…after all, that’s what I’m all about.

But contrast those lovey pictures above against this shot of Brit in her draws outside her house yesterday.

Awwww haaail naw.. that just aint right. Someone should whoop K-Fed’s ass for how he ruined this national treasure.

– Lake

Who fell off more?

On the real tip, the meteoric fall of Britney Spears (by the way, she’s running around with no draws again) and Mike Vick has been crazy this year. How did this happen? With Brit, it’s just that combination of loot, drugs, that terrible ass K-Fed and the classic too much too soon syndrome.

With Vick, well, his homies just let him down.

(again, and maybe this is just me, but this “chew toy” strikes me as racist. How are you going to have a “chew toy” that looks nothing like Vick, except that barely recognizable 7 etched on his shirt? And no, it’s not ok to have dogs chewing the ass out of a “black man doll” just because you gave up red meat for 8 months back in ’96. Suspect)

I’m not saying he wasn’t wrong, but his boy was being investigated for drugs, which led the cops to his crib.  THEN his boys, people he had been carrying for the better part of 6 years, turned on him. Tough… Mike must be a hard cat to get along with also known as a dick to have those cats do him like that. So who fell harder, Brit or Vick?

– Lake

VMAs roundup: It’s Britney B*tch!

I don’t know, maybe I’m just getting old (ok, I know I am), but the VMAs was a disappointment for me this year.

First off, let me say that whoever had the idea to have it in Vegas at one hotel where you can rock multiple parties at once, GENIUS. That was hot and good luck to anyone who is trying to get into that party next year. That’s one ticket I wish I had. Second, Timbaland rocking the music for the entire production was really hot. It really took that aspect of the show to the next level, unfortunately, half the performances were never seen or were heard as they went to commercial. Hell, the jam sessions in the suites seemed better than all the main stage shows. As I was watching all these cats, I got a rejuvenated appreciation for Diddy and his show from back in the day when he rocked that “Pass the Courvoisier” extravaganza with Busta Rhymes and Pharrell. At any rate, the joint was eventful, so I’ll just hit the high and low-lights for my peoples.

1. “It’s Britney Bitch”

Wow, what can I say about this performance? It sure wasn’t that old Britney we all knew and loved.

Hey, let me preface my comments by saying that I actually want Britney to succeed as I know my man Brock does. I have a soft spot for her being that she was a pioneer in the “thick white woman era“, something I hold near and dear to my heart. So let me start with the positive, her new song, “Gimme More” isn’t horrible. It’s actually passable.

With said her performance reminded me of something you’d see in a bad Canadian strip club (Niagara Falls, Montreal or Toronto, take your pick).

(I did appreciate seeing this little greazy curly headed brother trying to get his K Fed on)

Based on her dance moves, if I didn’t know better I’d tell you that Britney can’t dance. I mean, the babe was just robotic, off-beat, uninspiring and overall just terrible dude.

(oh, that’s just not right)

And why did she have to come in buck eeerr butt naked? I know that’s her calling card, but we really didn’t need to see that. And while I know we’ve debated this point back in forth on this site, but Britney IS NOT BACK!!! That midsection is not in pre-K Fed form, and certainly not together enough to be rolled around the stage, showing that side view.

I just wish I could have watched the show next to Simon Cowell, you know he must have simple said: “ghastly” when he saw that foolishness.

Not a full on debacle, but that’s only because she had the good sense to fully lip-sync. She’s crazy, but she aint that crazy.

2. The Fight: Tommy Lee v. Kid Rock

Hey, it was pretty hilarious if you ask me. Of course they didn’t actually show the fight, but as Pam Anderson, the ex-wife of both rockers, was presenting an award she kept telling Tommy Lee to “shut up”. LOL At any rate, Jamie Foxx came back after a break and started talking crazy about “who won the fight”. Then later I guess he dropped a white-on-white violence jab. Hilarious stuff.

(this is Kid Rock before the VMAs last night, the cat is looking a little feral)

Well, apparently, Kid Rock didn’t like what he was hearing from young Thomas because the story goes, as told by Sway (the most annoying man in the world who claimed he “saw it all”), Kid Rock rolled up on Tommy and just “decked him” out of nowhere while Tommy was talking to Puff.. Hot.

Not matter what, Tommy didn’t seem to mind. Look at his face after the incident as security was talking him out of there. When asked if he was hurt, Tommy reported replied, “Hell no, everybody knows I can’t feel my face”.. figures.

I guess a bad lady like Pam Anderson, who can do the things I’ve seen err heard she’s done on her sex tape which is linked from HERE, will drive a man crazy.

3. Chris Brown getting his Charlie Chap/Michael Jackson on

Look, I won’t lie to you, I like Chris Brown. I think the dude either is crazy talented or he’s got some insane ghost writer (more likely both) and his current song Wall to Wall is hot. With that said, I wasn’t all that impressd with that performance. Again, I’ll borrow from Simon and say, predictable.

(come on, this looks like a high school musical)

You just knew that Chris would do something theatrical, then try a thrice done tribute to some old entertainer (MJ), then finally try to stick the landing with his own flavor. Ok, dude’s got talent, but that Charlie Chaplin foolishness was not hype. The Michael Jackson moves are always cool, but we see that same show each and every year by every single R&B dancing fool in the business. And that pelvis pump with the tight grip up on the nizzuts? Awful.

I mean, who knows, Genuwine, Usher, wild Timberlake, everybody does that foolishness. If you ask me, Chris Tucker is better than all of em doing the MJ.. but whatev.. Hey, Chris, here’s a novel idea, try SINGING during your performances for once. I’m tired of you lip syncing as you roll around on the ground, jump from pillar to post and gyrate all over the damn place. I want to actually hear you sing, for once, ok?

4. Alicia Keyes

I won’t spend much time on Keyes. Her voice was as impressive as ever. I just have to say, A. Stay at the piano, because you don’t move that well, B. Holler at one of those Hollywood diet/personal trainer combinations because it’s getting away from you around them hips, and C. stay off the weave, that 70’s throwback hairdo was not hot.

And yes, all that extra lettuce up in there IS DEFINITELY weave, I don’t care how pretty her normal hair is..

5. Dr. Dre MUST BE on Steroids, HGH, Ephedra, and some wild wolf blood or something. Did yall see that cat underneath that XXL sweat top?

My word, he literally looked like the Incredible Hulk. I guess homey got tired of hearing those threats from Suge Knight. I mean, look at what this cat looked like as a young man.

Overall, Timbo made the joint fresh and new. I liked how Justin Timberlake made mention of the fact that MTV never shows videos anymore, hell, I barely knew half the nominees. Vegas was innovative, but I guess whatever lackluster feeling I’m having is the same one Kanye had when he said, “I ask, does anybody make real shit anymore?” I don’t know. Forget Hip Hop, music might be dead…

– Lake

Britney Spears: Am I off?

Now last week people magazine had a cover story on the fall of Britney Spears. On the fact that she is a bad mother. Hey, all of that might be true, but here is what they used as evidence:

Now I don’t know what you been told, but over here at UvT, this means Britney is on the comeback. Stomach tight, thighs working, stripper dance moves, booty clutched up. Sounds like a laundry list for Britney to start making money again any day now. Come on people, you know Britney can’t be stopped. Saying this is bad is like saying Rampage Jackson is slipping because he is seen somewhere whooping ass. This is what she does. Throw her over a new wave Timbaland beat and she’s good.

Okay, she needs to tighten up that baldyweave. She looks like a twelve year old on vacation in Jamaica. Other than that, she’s straight though.

-Brock

—————————————

LOL —- Yooo! Brock, good eye on those clinched up cheeks. I agree, that’s a good sign to any man. But that midsection, again, “one was naaaah, the other (the cheeks) was Illmatic”… the middy could use some work. I don’t get this chick. One day she’s super tight in the bikini showing the goods, the next she looks like she’s got K-Fed’s third evil seed up in her just germinating. And that weave piece looks like an off the rack errrr the wall special from your local “D muthaf*cka D, learn to speak English first alright D” spot.

– Lizzy in the Rizzy