Archive for the ‘Rihanna’ Category

Yawn: The Worst MTV Video Music Awards Ever

September 9, 2008

Disclaimer:  Since this was the worst MTV VMAs I’ve ever seen, this is perhaps equally the worst post I’ve ever written.  And I’ll tell you why.  It’s really hard to write about something that is so boring, so terrible, just so damn wack.  I mean, it brings you down.  I tried to put a few decent observations, but honestly, this Z minus level show basically ruined my week.  But I wrote it live, so I feel compelled to post.  So here it goes, I can’t vouch for any of it.

So I was hoodwinked into watching these VMAs with the lady with the idea that I would get a chance to see a solid Britney Spears train wreck part deux.  Need I remind you of last year’s showing?

I mean, the cats kept hitting us with that “Britney is opening the VMAs” rhetoric, so I thought I’d be getting something I wanted.  But when they show opened up, it was literally just her walking in, taking her place at the podium and delivering one of the more uninspiring “welcome speeches” I’ve ever heard in my life.  I should have known at that very moment to turn the TV off and walk away.  Surprise, I didn’t.

Damn, on a positive note, is that old school, 2001 Britney?  Damn, I must say, I’m almost impressed, but it can never be like it was.

Damn, that shit is just crazy.  Britney was literally like a LeBron James level talent.  She was ridiculous!

Curses, suddenly I realized that these MTV fools done hit me with the bait and switch.  Here I am, thinking I’m about to see a Sarah Palin-esque, T&A “change” performance from Brit and then it happened.  Awww, some crazy ass Rihanna techno song I don’t like with some middle earth cretins stomping the yard and Rih Rih sitting on high with a 3 story ball gown.

And then right on cue, Rihanna starts showing me what I already knew:  That she’s literally the only chick of West Indian descent on record who cannot dance to save her life.

Then Dark Knight Joker meets Carrot Top came out to host the show.

Say what?  Who is this cat and why are his pants so tight?  The first thing I thought was, “oh, that’s that terrible Jesse cat from that ‘I want to be a vj’ contest back from the dead.”  Then he spoke and I immediately wondered if I was the only one who had finally gotten sick of hearing all these British accents.  Well, at least he kept it real with that “none of you know who I am”..  Ahh, honesty I can finally rally around.  And then homey started cutting into Bush and the Republicans with a bunch of one line zingers:

“I’m for Barack Obama…you recently elected that retarded cowboy fella.”

“In England, George Bush wouldn’t be trusted with a pair of scissors.”

“Use a condom or become a Republican.”

Damn, he’s half funny, like a Sacha Baron Cohen meets the trench coat mafia.  Anyway, to add to my misery, they then introduced some soft looking cats named the Jonas Brothers who had the nerve to start signing.

Who buys this trash?  And who in the hell are the Jonas Brothers?  Oh, the lady says that they’re just Hansen reinvented.  God, this is the worst VMAs ever.  I mean, the crowd is bored, the performers are terrible and even the presenters look disinterested.  So Jaime Foxx, realizing this, came out yelling “wake up, wake up.”  Dude, you know shit aint right when a cat has to tell people to wake up.  I haven’t seen a crowd this stunned since back at Duke when the Ques did the “Pussy Step” with three dudes (total!) at the step show…  You just had to be there, but trust me, it was so terrible that it was hilarious.

I know, I know, the Ques just like to go hard with the bruhs..  ahnt (I said it)

Anyway, so then they started in with “the best female video” and then the lady over in my easy chair made a great point, “why are these bad videos getting nominated for best video”?  And then Britney Spears won.  Say what?  I forgot that she had an album last year.  Then Britney went ahead and thanked God….Which immediately started to make me laugh and then the lady said, and I’m not kidding me, “hey, that’s an AA step”…Jeez.

Has it really come to that?  Thanking God to get off the goose?

Goodness, what a debacle this is.  Then Weezy came out and was fairly terrible.

Not really his fault, rap never does really translate well to a live format.  But he didn’t have to rock the tight sag with the full on drawls coming out the back.  Then Jordin Sparks came out looking like some kind of Extra Large Living Teddy Graham as she babbled about promise rings and being a slut.  Perfect.

Dude, John Legend looks scared.

Anyway, I can’t continue with this.  This was hands down the worst program I’ve ever seen on MTV.  Oh and they topped it off with Kanye’s outdoor contest where he sang, OFF KEY MIND YOU, for an entire song with some Beijing drummers and tight ass suit.

God it was awful.

1.  Dude, singing hooks is one thing, but YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY SING and nobody wants you to sing. Do hot beats, make tricky hooks and make us laughs occasionally.  Just because Andre 3000 sang on his album doesn’t mean you can.  In short, do what you do and stay in your lane.

2.  Please get that wig cut off. Homey aint got a head that can sustain a lot of hair, especially with that temple taper.

Boy, NOTHING went right tonight and in honor of that, I didn’t post shit.  Blame it on MTV…

– Lake


To add insult to injury, Britney won THREE Moon Men.. THREE.

I mean, I know all awards are basically random and based on zero criteria, but what in the hell is wrong with videos generally, when Brit wins THREE awards for ONE SONG.  She’s not even a relevant artist at this point.  Goodness.  What a joke.


I don’t know quite how we got there, but KIR in NV just said that the next time she sees Carrot Top in Vegas, she’s gonna ask him if he likes P-U Double Dolla Sign Y.  Hilarious.  The ladies of UvT really kill it.  Read the comments people!

Oh No, Not Rihanna in Mom Jeans!!!!

August 28, 2008

Dammit!!!!!  The year was 2000 and young Lake made a run to the lovely country of Brazil.  When he got there, all he saw were lovely young women rocking low slung, hip hugger jeans.

He couldn’t believe what he saw and immediately wondered when American women would get with the program and adopt the South American jean concept (along with a few other things).

And if you haven’t been, yes, even the mannequins got ass in Bra-zee.  Anyway, it’s no shock how happy I was when I started seeing all the mothers, sisters, and oh yes, DAUGHTERS break that fashion glass ceiling and put their arses into these superior jeans like the founders intended!

You gotta love it and while it wasn’t without the occasional complication:

The shit was mostly all to the good.  And I tell you, it enhanced EVERYBODY.  I don’t know what it is, but that low hip looks right on all body types.

Or at least all the ones I looked at.

Well now it seems that chicks are really trying to fuck my game up.  That high hip may be in fashion, but damn fashion, I gotta live in this world!  Take Rihanna’s non dancing ass for instance.  Sure, she’s been looking damn good lately, but she’s setting up some shit that aint good for me and quite honestly, aint good for America.

Hey Ri Ri…my 7th grade class called and they want their jeans back (and dat azz while you’re at it, thx).

Even Barack took a moment away from his message of change and asked Ri Ri to quit the shit when I sent him the pic of Rihanna with the mom jeans.

And Hillary, she didn’t get it at all.

I mean, why would Rihanna do this to our country?  I know she’s from Turks and Cake Cos, Aruba, Cuba, somethin’, but still, she stays kicking it the US of A.  She owes it to us all to set the proper example and keep the rise low!  I know, I know, it’s not big deal, it’s just what’s “in” right now.  Sure, that’s what they said about the do rag:

The curl:

And dammit, the cornrow.

By the way, just between you and me, what’s worse?  The White Dude Corn Row or the White Dude Dreadlock?

All can be seen, not now, but RIGHT NOW, in every city in America.  But it will be far worse with the high jeans, hell, it’s already terrible.

I mean, what is that?  This is a very attractive woman, but she just looks crazy in this pic.  The ripped up stomach doesn’t even lay right in those pants.  It’s just all wrong.

If stars look this bad to lackluster in these pants, how do you think Sally Sue American is gonna look?  It’s a debacle.  I just don’t get it. But I’d be lying if I said it was all bad.

Because Ri Ri’s tizzail is liking right right in those jeans.  Dammit.  By the time this style goes away, all the babes I know will literally be looking like this.

There’s no hope.

– Lake

My eyes must be fooling me

August 26, 2008

…because Rihanna looks thick in these pictures.

Interesting because I always thought she was crazy skinny.  Maybe it’s my new age, mtv distorted eyes.

I like it. But like that “didn’t get it” face she’s got going even better.

– Lake

Lake’s Perfunctory Chicks Post

May 21, 2008

Now I know there are all kinds of worthy topics out there.  You’ve got Hillary’s bullshit win in West Vir-tucky last night, the fact that Jeter, Johnny Damon and the human sweat gland, Jason “the Juice” Giambi share a gold thong and hell, I don’t know, those two gay facers squaring off in the increasingly irrelevant American Idol final.  But I don’t want to talk about that.  In fact, I won’t talk about that.  Do you know why?  Because I come out here and blog semi everyday for “us” but still I get criticized by these half haters for everything I’m NOT doing.  Like my boy, “Freddie Beef” graduating from Harvard right about now, this cat had the audacity to roll on me the other day talking about how I’m “getting soft on that ho game.” 

I mean, this cat was literally like, “yeah Lake, the blog is cool and all.  I feel you on that Republican bullshit and those religious right cats are completely ridiculous, but what about these chicks son?  I mean, quit that chit chat ‘for that blog is flat on it’s bizzack…fool.” 

Mutha-fucka!  Now I know how Allen Iverson felt with that whole “Practice” and “why do I have to” rants.  I don’t give you enough lows, pink tizzoes and hizzoes?  Me?!  Are you farging kidding me? (and yes that was a hot Johnny Dangerously reference).  Yall want the ladies?  I’mma give you some ladies. 

Let’s start off with a newly married Mariah Carey Cannon.  Dude, remember when I praised her long about two weeks ago for her Hollywood smooth body piece?  Well, I guess it’s like my girl Jabz B from DC says, “Everything is fake,” because Mimi is beginning to look exactly like who we thought she was.

Say what?  Yo, is it just me or is everybody just going dead up tits out, I’m free and buck-ed naked?  I mean, that’s not the outfit I think it is, is it?  Angle two please…

Damn, it’s like Kanye said in Diamonds, no not “how could you falter when you’ve got rocks of Gibralter“… it’s that “How could something so wrong, make me feel so right…Right?”  Now I’m not sure how that applies, but it’s exactly what I feel when I peep this picture.  I mean, nipples fully exposed.  Breasts just all the way out and stomach not quite looking right.  Yep, one week post wedding and Mariah’s already falling into utter disrepair with a plethora of code violations to boot. 

Damn…  I mean, it aint negative ass, but it sure as hell aint positive either.  I mean, what are we really looking at here?  An evening dress?  An all hallows outfit?  Yeah, I see the red carpet, but for all of our sake, I’m just going to assume she’s at Target shopping for some more appropriate drawls for that “dress.”  Yikes. 

Damn, I need to cleanse my palate after that.  Hmmmm, how would I do that?  Ah yes, with some country fried, Jessica Biel goodness…

Wow, do I hear birds chirping?  And why is there a subtle but steady crescendo in my ear to the beat of that Genuwine (that spelling, while accurate, is crazy by the way) classic “So Anxious“?  Maybe it’s the bronzer she’s got going on that upper thigh, just talking to a nilla.

It’s ten-ten….where you been?  Did you get my message?”  Timberlake has to be the eternal UvT man of the year for this babe. 

Anyway, let’s keep this thang rolling.  We’ve pitted good against terrible and then terrible against good.  I mean, it’s like a Chick Picture version of the Paul Pierce v. LeBron battle in game 7.  So after that lovely specimen known as Biel, you know I gotta hit ya with a force for not good.  Yep, you guessed it, Rihanna making it drought on these bros. 


Say WHAT?  I can’t lie, this is the best I’ve EVER seen this babe.  I mean, she’s looking downright tasty right chere in what I can only describe as a “light in the thigh, look in the eye” special.  And while he told me she’s far too geriatric for his purposes, even a soon to be jailed aRa “He a damn Lie” Kelly had to come out of hiding to take in that silky wholesome goodness. 

Can she do it again? 

Awwww…  Ok, I just gotta stay positive.  How can I turn this around, oh I know, let me crack open my Smooth Girl and see what they — oh yes, my girl Buckeey… right on time.

Hey, aint no doubting that.  That’s why I like Buckeey, because even though that window dressing might be fake, those Dow Jones like fundamentals are rock solid…literally.  

Smooth girl indeed.  Ok, now knowing the ladies who read this blog like I do, I’m pretty sure that a clean 54% of you are feeling just about like this right now:

But that’s ok becuase like Shaunie O’neal, you pretty much knew what you were buying when you decided to F with Lake and Brock to begin with.



– Lake

Rihanna got more thigh than KFC?

March 20, 2008

We all know Rihanna’s arse piece has basically been put into that witness protection program. But I can’t lie, these thighs are looking like a Popeye’s dinner special with Red Beans and Rice.


And let’s be clear, that is the perfect angle to just take it all in (go where you want with that). I mean, having the thunder that Ginuwine talked about is only half the equation. Those thighs are looking fairly useful. It’s a rare bird, but sometimes chicks can come with the pencil leg with the exploding arse piece.


But a phenomenon that’s achieved far less attention has to be that skrong thigh moving into the receding tail game. I don’t know, maybe it’s the garter belts or those random leggings I have no use for, but that shot is the most intriguing Rih Rih joint I’ve seen since this one.


Damn, that now you see me, now you don’t arse is baffling. Hey, I know it’s just the dress…has to be, right? I never liked these female illusionist. Keep it honest ladies.. Like Kim K, now that’s some honesty a nilla can live with…lol. Don’t hate.

– Lake


Lake, now I told you back in Assology 102: Rihanna, that she doesn’t tuck it back in.  Here’s the thing…the more I think about it, it might not be a bad thing.  Like you said, the thighs might be thick.  And who is going to say they don’t like thick thighs…not me…I know you wouldn’t bet your fur coat on it.  Look I like a butt crease in my tail piece, but I’d rather take a big booty that tucks into some thighs that are a little too skrong than a negative arse.  Rihanna doesn’t have the “Milian Golden Ratio“, but she can play with Lil’ Brock anytime.

Damn a Rihanna!

March 4, 2008

I just drove 6 hours in the middle of the night for no damn reason so I may be a little bit testy, but reading these posts about Rihanna, her “boo” (by the way, if you’re a man and you’ve ever seriously called anyone “boo,” you’re a real bullshit cat) Chris Brown and her alleged arse piece are starting to really get to me.


Look, you don’t need a BS in Assology from the University of Maryland at College Park (a real major for them, look it up) to understand that Rihanna doesn’t even have the kind of tail that warrants study. Rihanna’s ass is what we thought it wasn’t, namely thick/phat/right or any other adjective you could think of. I’m sorry, but apparently she DIDN’T get it from her mama.


Still, good ass (I said it) is like pornography (yeah, I said that too), it’s hard to describe, but you know it when you see it. Rih Rih’s doesn’t pass the…ahem….smell test (no low low) for me. It just aint right.


Let’s keep it real, and I’ll give her a good shot too but this is Rihanna’s ass.


This is an ass (Trina’s to be exact) on Dubbs:


Any questions?

– Lake

Assology 102: Point of Clarification

March 1, 2008

I just want to follow up on the subject of Rihanna. She may in fact have a “magician” booty (now you see it, now you don’t), but she can still get it.


Oh yes, she can still get it.


Assology 102: Rihanna Case Study

February 28, 2008

You know your boy Brock wouldn’t let you down. I promised I was going to the lab to develop my 2008 Assology curriculum and I’m back with Assology 102.

We need to take the lessons to the streets, apply what we’ve learned to the real world. The ladies can throw out some real curveballs on you so you’ve got to be prepared. Lake threw Rihanna in the mix last week with this picture.


Well damn, that is hard to argue with right there. That waist to ass ratio is strong. Let’s go ahead and match that up with her album cover.


I mean she leans all the way back into that boy to prop that thang up. All good, right? Not quite my friends, lets take a closer look.


Awww naw, hail naw mang. What the hell is that? What happened? Here is the first principle of Assology: a single tuck does not make a great ass. I mean the set up coming out of the waist is phemonenal, but damn that finish is terrible. You gotta stick the landing, you gotta finish what you started, you gotta tuck that ass back in! I mean those legs are silky smooth like the negative arse chick.

For the math freaks out there, the proper ass to waist ratio can be found with the following formula A>1.64W, where A=ass, W=waist and A does not exceed 2.1W. Angel Lola Luv, I’m coming for you with my tape measure.

Can I get a glute, can I get a crease, can I get a hamstring? What does a properly tucked ass look like? Vida, can you come out here please?


Don’t get me wrong, like our drunk cousin h8torade likes to say…when it comes to Rihanna, I’d hit it. Chris Breezay and his sthpesshial star tattoo ain’t got nothing on Brock. By time I got done she might have a double tuck. But that ass ain’t all right. Chris Rock doesn’t care though, he’d hit it too.



‘Bout time Brock got back to work!!!!  We don’t give you that much vacation.

Damn, that one pic with the lean back should be called “good ass gone missing”.. WTF?  Maybe she does rock the ass pads, because she’s looking Grrrrrrrrrrreat in that Forest Green number.   What you need to add to your analysis is whether there is a link between the her missing ass syndrome and her chronic inability to dance!  I mean, I aint never seen a chick with ass who can’t dance and I aint eva seen a babe from the Carribean that can’t dance.  Two strikes.  Chris Brown may in fact be hitting it right, but just because he’s rocking it like “the hit maker” doesn’t mean she’s brining that thunder, ether physically or metaphysically (I said it!)….

Chris Brown & Rihanna Get Matching Neck Ink

February 27, 2008

Can someone explain to me why any man would ever get a matching tattoo with a chick (we can just stop the analysis here), even worse, ON HIS NECK?! WTF? Sounds crazy right? Well that’s what they’re saying Chris Brown did with his “Boo” Rihanna. Incidentally, if you’re a man and have ever called a chick your “boo,” you’re a real bullshit cat.


No lie, and this may be fake, but they’re saying these are the matching tattoos Rih Rih and Chris Brown got.


What was Chris thinking with those Stars tats? What, floating hearts were taken? Dude, if you’re going to go with the sensitive couples tat, let her get the picture of her poodle and you get that big ole bulldog. Or let her get the soft cross and you get that extra aggressive one. Don’t get some rising stars cascading directly under your neck line. I mean, Rih Rih can cover that up with one of her many weaves eeeeerrr with her hair style, but Chris Brown has to just live with that for eternity or worse, try to cover it up with an even more ridiculous piece of neck art. Horrible idea for so many reasons. Oh well, people call him a hit maker, not a genius so it figures that he’d make tactical errors like this. Hey, at least he’s hittin…..


I hope. Anyway, back to you Tat lovers, let me just ask you… Where are you going with the Tat on the neck piece?


Isn’t that pretty much a career ending move? I mean, when you go with the tat on the neck, you’ve basically put a set events into motion that will shape the rest of your life and not in a good way. Once you go there, you’ve basically committed to a degenerate lifestyle from there on out.


When was the last time you saw a cat getting tatted up on his neck the week before he started law school? Nah, it’s more common to see a cat getting that neck work done the week before he’s going to jail! Or if you freaks are already in the clink, you may want to get that work done the week before you commit that heinous act that will put you in solitary confinement for a clean 8 months.


Nah, you’re either going to be a Rock/Rap Star, a pro skateboarder, a working professional athlete or a cat working minimum wage jobs from now until the end of time. Seriously, would you let Tattoo on the Neck Guy prepare your legal documents? Hell no. Would you let him prepare you taxes? I wouldn’t. Look, I don’t even want Tat ‘Pon The Neck Guy delivering my pizza because in order to do that he’s gotta know where I live and that aint cool.

Look at these freaks! Incidentally, when did Out of Control Tat Guy join forces with Extra large Earring Guy?


Sheeeeeeeiit, this dude went so far as to have some breast implants put into his tattoo of a woman on his leg!!!! Now that’s dedication….and pretty f*cking crazy I might add.


Too much. And yes the tat did get infected, so he had to deflate his J’d out leg…Too much.

– Lake

I’m not a big Rihanna guy but…

February 8, 2008

…she is looking right in these shot I’ve seen of late.


That Halle Berry cut from back in the day is working very well (weave happy ladies take note). Looks like someone else has noticed our little Rihanna needs a second look trend.


Hmm, I wonder what Chris rock is seeing that’s got him so intrigued.


Bang. Wow, maybe it’s just a dress of maybe I’ve been looking at Vida Guerra pictures for too long so my vision is off, but I see some mini thunder up in there and guess what, I like it. I don’t know, we may have to call in the Assologist in for a second opinion. It’s tough to call from here. I’m not totally sold, but like Q and his quest to get off my “you might be gay list,” Rihanna is well on her way to getting a nomination for UvT quality with this high level performance.

– Lake