Kim Kardashian Dancing With The Stars Break

You’d think that at this point, we’d be getting tired of Kim Kardashian’s ass drapped into some new gear.

But you’d be very wrong.  Dude, maybe it’s just me, but that hook never gets tired.  I mean, in a dress, filling some jeans, up high in some short shorts or down low in some drawls.  I’m sorry ladies, I know she’s a near guarandamnteed gel/silicone abuser.  I know she’s got almost zero personality and I even know that her skills in the sack don’t begin to cash those checks that her ass has been writing.

But it still doesn’t matter.  Angle three please.

I don’t know about that shot.  I mean, really.  Are yall seeing this?  Unbelievable and I don’t know if it’s the best thing ever or the worst.  But those rims look fresh to death.  Anyway, I’m waiting like a mufucker for this season of Dancing With The Stars and it aint because of Warren Sapp, ok?

Well, that’s a lie.  I do want to laugh at Warren, but Kim K in some “buck-ed naked” spandex, slimming down while that tail piece gets fitter, faster, strongerrrrrrrrrrr.

Sheeeeeit.  Even Clay knows that’s the truth.

– Lake

Change Has Come: Evolutionary Thickness Right Before Our Eyes

People want to hate on my message, but I know there’s a movement in this country.  Yes, all over this nation, millions of women are saying, “Yes We Can,” but I’m not talking about Barack Obama, oh no ma’am.  I’m talking about these thick white chicks that are showing themselves, day in and day out, like X-Men or something.  It’s a true revolution and if you ask me, the future of my race:

My word.  And them draws coming up out of ole girl’s jeans.  Killer.  This is that wild Melissa from Making the Band and the Pussy Cat Dolls show.  Let me tell you, Puff should have taken her for real.  She’s got waaaay better tools than Aubrey.  Speaking of Aubrey, let’s roll some of her recent work.

Not bad.  Do they provide coke on set?

Now I can’t lie.  She does look good.  That vacant, “I’m high and I just jumped off a mic check” always gets the job done.  But didn’t Puff tell her to change that “ho-ish” image up?

Oh yeah.  That’s extremely classy.  And can anyone tell me how many ass cheeks and coochie cuts have been up and down that thing?  Of course, I’m talking about her tongue!  Dammit, I can’t lie.  Topless, licking the pole, J’s sitting on dubbs, thank you lil brother (intern) may I have another?

Wow…  Maybe the tide is turning on this chick.  Though she hasn’t quite mad that evolutionary shift, she’s looking might right…I can’t even lie.

– Lake

Beyonce Makes One Thick Cop

Damn. Those government issue pants don’t leave anything to the imagination.

In other news, Jay-Z has reportedly just been inspired to remake N.W.A.’s classic “Fuck tha Police”.

-Brock

Cowboys Vs. Eagles

That is one of the best football games I’ve seen in a long time.

I really didn’t care who won.  It was high scoring, but not because of bad defense, these guys were just out there making plays.  TO even proved why he worked on that double move for so long.

“I’m just working on my shit.”  It worked last night too.

-Brock

The J Game is a Cruel, Cruel Game

Lindsay Lohan was lovely and Lake was loving it just two days ago.  Then we got hit with her skinny girlfriend Sam.  Now there are marriage rumors, and we get this pic off the wire.

Look, I’m usually a fan of side boob, under boob, hell almost any kind of boob, but Lindsay needs to start strapping up if she wants to preserve what the goot lawd hath-a blessed her with.  Maybe it is a bad angle, but that J is fighting against gravity with all it’s got right there.  We’ll keep a close watch on continuing developments.

In other J news.

Dammit Jessica.  You know better than that.  Microphone just a nestled all up in there.  Now I know why Tony Romo is always smiling.

This J game is dirty, so dirty.

-Brock

Example of the Elusive Zero Stomach

I’m in no way advocating this chick.  I don’t know her name, I don’t want to know.  I do, however, want to say that she possesses something that dudes talk about and enjoy, that elusive “zero stomach.”

And please don’t confuse the zero stomach with the meaty stomach or the concave stomach.  Don’t get me wrong, I love a good meaty stomach that still holds it’s integrity ala Brit Brit from back in the day:

Hey, every dude likes what they like.  And I have plenty on my list.  But that zero stomach is definitely a nice touch.  Not a requirement by any stretch, but nice nonetheless.  Now my female friends tell me that in order to achieve it, all the stars must be in line:

1.  She must have the predisposed genetic make-up aka “gets it from her mama”

2.  If she’s over the age of 16, “zero” probably requires some form of starvation

3.  The monthly hormone gods must be on vacay

4.  What little weight she does gain, must go to another area of the body lest she looks anorexic

But honestly, I don’t really care about any of that.  All I care about is seeing it every now and again like a beautiful rare tropical bird.  Even better when it’s paired with some decent thickness elsewhere.  I was so pissed at the VMAs that I failed to mention that Rihanna was showing a nice set of zero-esque abs that night.

Very nice indeed.  And yes, this is the kind of stuff dudes just sit around and talk about.  Well, at least the dude I know.  And fellas, if you haven’t broken it down like this, get better, more detail oriented friends.  Life is far more fulfilling when you have all the pertinent information.

– Lake

Man Up Monday: Fantasy Football “Geniuses”

I just want to start off by saying I feel like a little kid on Christmas morning.  I could barely sleep last night, stayed in all day.  Only instead of toys, turkey and Christmas lights, I broke out the mini keg of Bell’s Oberon and rocked the homemade wings (buffalo and lemon pepper with a side of blue cheese) and fired up this HD NFL Sunday Ticket (rocking the main game on the projector with the “game mix” on the side with all the other games running simultaneously.)  My man cave is real.  The NFL is back.

And it is already great.  My Falcons and Michael Turner drug the hell out of the Detroit Lions.  Carolina came down to the wire.  T.O. had a crazy almost lost it behind his back catch, and my fantasy squad just broke the 100 point barrier to lead all teams.  Oh! Bears defensive TD!  Killing these fools.  Anyway, for those of you who follow Fantasy Football, the big prediction this year was that the traditional running back era was over and the the QB gives the best value in this years draft.  You see, normally running backs are the best fantasy players, they score the most touchdowns, they get the ball 25-30 times a game, and they end up being pretty durable.  This year, because Tom Brady and Randy Moss went wild, everyone said Brady was an early first rounder, as high as 3, he went 5 in my league.  They were also pumping Romo and Moss as other first rounders.  Well, here’s the risk with taking an early QB:

Brady may be out for the entire season with a knee injury which will kill the Patriots season.  Did I mention I picked last?  That means that although I didn’t want to, I ended up with Randy Moss and Peyton Manning in the first two rounds?  Who were my running backs?  Well for one, I got Michael Turner in the 3rd round…and he killed it today.  Oh and to the rest of the cats in my league, don’t even bother looking for Matt Cassel on Wednesday, my #1 waiver wire position puts him on my squad.  Thanks.

So now the Patriots season, and all those fantasy geniuses who just killed thousands of fantasy squads probably feel a lot like this:

So all the pros need to go back to the drawing board on trying to break out of tradition.  Oh, and everyone in my league better watch out.  I’m picking up right where I left off last year, dominating.

So to all the Fantasy prognosticators, to the New England Patriots, to Matt Cassel, to my man H. Larry who somehow inexplicably ended up with Tom Brady, Rudi Johnson and Vince Young, to the squad who would have beat every team in the league this week other than mine…MAN UP!  HAAAAAAAA!

-Brock the Week One Champ

It’s College Football (Rant) Season Again

Watching Michigan getting punked in their own house by a team full of Levi Johnston looking cats from Utah, it just reminded me of the best part of College Football…the rants of course.  Listen to my very favorite dude, Dan Hawkins going from 0 to 80 miles per hour in about 3 seconds.

That “It aint intramurals” followed by “go play intramurals brother” is awesome.  Somebody needs to tell the Sarah Palin apologists that it’s big time American Party Politics…. It’s the Republican National Convention…  It aint intramurals.  Ok, let’s keep this about football.  So here’s another one, but it’s not nearly as good.

Here’s another, John L. Smith from Michigan State:

Dude, is there anything better than the line “that’s a damn coaching mistake”.  HAAAA  Yes it was, so much so that you were promptly fired at season’s end.  Next.

– Lake

Shocker: Jamaican Track Stars Are Beginning to Get Busted For Drugs

Wait, you can’t smash world records while jogging the last 15 meters in a 100 meter race, as you run sideways and order up some delicious ox tails?

Come on now.  I’m not saying all the Jamaicans were on performance enhancers, but didn’t it seem a bit odd to see so many of those cats getting their effortless Gold Medal trot on?  If it looks too good to be true, it probably is.  Today it’s some hurdlers getting busted, in 6 months it will be someone else and finally, Usain’s presently undetectable Rum Runner-HGH-Red Stripe elixir of speed will be exposed.  Ha  Dude clearly didn’t want to break that record too much, which is why he jogged the last 15 meters!!!!

I know, I know, he just works harder, plus he’s 6, 4.  Believe me, I know.  Just wait and though you heard it here first, believe me, if you paid any attention, you’ve already told yourself that something wasn’t right.  ha

– Lake

Barack Did It

Shout out to Barack Obama for accepting the Democratic Nomination last night.

This is a moment in history that most people didn’t think America was ready for.  Barack seized the moment and delivered eveything anyone could have possibly asked for.  He acknowledged the history, he addressed the issues, he set the prime moments of his agenda, he drew a stark difference between himself and McCain.  And yes, I will be watching the Republican convention next week to see what they have to say.  I fully expect to see more of this.

Fuck Fox News.

-Brock