I Want To Work For Diddy: Episode 2

We started where we left off, with some gay shit.  First, the tranny is explaining what it means to be a tranny.  The thing is, it’s not that we don’t know what a tranny is or isn’t, it’s that we don’t want to know.

Then Rob comes out as full-on gay.  Wonderful, I’d say I was shocked, but I already saw this pic, so I knew the dude was a don’t ax, don’t tell special with extra glitter on top.

So then they go into some terrible, has absolutely nothing to do with the job, mission in the woods.  Mike was playing the role of the pushy NYC native:

Plenty of NY talk, all kinds of half aggression to essentially no end.  The only thing that was missing was the obligatory, “Yo, I’m from New Yawk, so we need to go this way…..IN THE WOODS.”  It’s either that or “Yo, I’m from New York, we don’t get down in no woods” as if it’s someone else’s fault that this cat has never seen grass.

Ahhh, this is starting to have that real Apprentice feel to it, only without the boardroom antics and Kwame’s predictable reference to Harvard.  I think they’ll be needing Diddy to step in with some star power or something before this format gets stale.  I do appreciate the occasional Diddy sidebar with the expansion of the Bitchassness Doctrine.

Wait a second.  Is that June, Rob’s ex lady, rocking the No Bitchassness shirt?  That’s ill.

Any way, by my count, bitchassness now includes wanting to go to sleep, hatin’ on someone, handling a situation or confrontation like a beeyatch and an inability to find some bullshit in the woods.  Then that Elmer Fudd dude got up there with that same bullshit tie on.

I can’t tell if dude has a lisp, comes from some wild Eastern Block nation or if he had to go on a 5 year mission to study and perfect the art of bitchassness in order to teach others to avoid it.  Basically dude is the personification of Mike Tyson’s voice, only without Mike Tyson.

Just consider, the Mike Tyson voice was always terrible, but the only thing worse than Mike with that voice is that voice without Mike!  That’s this dude.  And he had the ahem “toughness” to work for Diddy?

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t give a shout out to crazy ass Kim/Poprah or whatever her name is for comparing herself to Jesus and MLK.  LOL.. I love crazy people (from a distance).

– Lake

————UPDATE—————

Honestly, the best part of the entire episode was the beginning when bowtie brother was talking to Bruno, or Rocky or whatever the big white dude is named about (La)Vernon.

They talking about the fact that ol girl boy was a tranny for a good five minutes before he just broke it down and said.  “Wait.  What do you see that makes you think that’s not a man?”  I mean completely disturbed at this point that anyone could take the 6’3″ Laverne for anything but a man with J implants and a weave.  Bruno replied. “I know a lot of big women”.   Really?

Believe Those Kanye Lyrics

Maaan, I love Kanye West’s music.  In fact, I wish he had an album coming out right now.  I think he’s brought a lot to hip hop (still not sure what that term actually means), rap and music generally.  And while he’s probably opened up the door for the scriblet nation to step out into the limelight on some “this is who I am,” I can live with it.  Let’s face it, probably 52% of these cats in the hip hop music industry are gay anyway.

*vinyl scratch*  Anyway:

Everyone knows that if you look at any artistic endeavor, be it interior design, music, painting & drawing or the WNBA, gay cats are going to be waaaaay overrepresented, if not comprise ALL of the participants.  I mean, have you seen that show Project Runway?

My sentiments exactly. Anyway, Kanye puts it all out there:

Sorry, I can’t support the man purse though.

It started with him as the ultimate backpacker rapper.

And his lyrics pretty much fit that persona.  A cat on the outside who should have gotten a deal 4 deals ago.  And hey, dude was right.  More of America, white and black, was like him than those clowns in the music industry wanted to admit.  But who could blame them given the success of 50 and all the Fif act-a-likes at the time.

But what happens when a cat like Kanye actually gets real dough?  You get:

“How am I suppose to stand out when everybody is dressed up”

To:

“So we gon’ do everything that kan like
Heard they’d do anything for a klondike
Well i’d do anything for a blonde-dyke”

“And she’ll do ANYTHING when the time’s right”

Haaa, Baby you’re making it…”hard, bigger, faster, strongrrrrrr.”

Lol.  I can’t hate, because the dude is obviously living good.  Just believe those lyrics ala “Model chicks was bending ova”…

Dude, just how much adrenaline do you think is rushing through this cat in this pic?  It’s all in the eyes.  I like it.

– Lake

Oh and shouts to Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac BA for that hot “scriblet” rhetoric.  Permanently in that UvT lexicon because it’s too fitting.

Lesbian gangs terrorize America?

Maybe I’m just an asshole (ok, I am) but there’s something about two chicks fighting that I just love. I don’t know, it’s like two kittens getting their squabble on, you just assume it’s a no harm no foul situation and the comedy factor seems to always far outweigh any actual harm done to anyone’s physical person. At least that’s how it used to be. Peep this video of Bill O’Reilly’s show (I know, I know) talking about Pink Pistol Packing lesbian gangs which is allegedly an epidemic that’s sweeping the nation.

Damn. I can’t remember a time when I was scared of a pack of wild chicks. I think the community leaders need to secure the services of A Pimp Named Slickback from The Boondocks to quell this little rebellion. He knows how to deal with these ruff neck heffers.

– Lake

From bad to worse: Raz B reverses himself

I actually hate this story, but it’s just so wild that I feel like I have to write on it. As I said before, Raz B, formerly of B2K and his brother Ricky Romance (ha) claimed that their manager and cousin Chris Stokes molested them as children.

They even went so far as to say “my assh*le hurt”.. What? Well, now he’s going back on that claim. His brother, Mr. Romance, says that his 180 degree turn was done under duress. Who knows. All I know is, that if you say publicly that you did some ole gay sh*t like this, you’ve done some, regardless of whether Chris Stokes did it or not. It’s all wild and out of control to me. Peep the video of collage of this nonsense.

Geez. Somehow “Sike” doesn’t really do it for me on the denial tip. Oh and Omarion has come out to say that he never saw any “inappropriate activity” back in the day.

Dude, damn near everything about you is “inappropriate”.

– Lake

===============UPDATE================

Hey, R&B fans, what’s worse, getting molested by Chris Stokes while he runs your horrible music career or this new Raz B “video”.

Geez, that was fucking horrible.  I mean, from that garbage Arabian princess sample to this fool poppin’ and lockin’ in someone’s backyard, literally, to Raz B standing up on top of someone’s crib in all black.. it’s just all horrible.  That cat just ran up on that wall and jumped off it…ha  At least I think he did, the screen cut out.  Dude, you can’t do your beats on a Casio keyboard, then edit your video on your iBook and expect the thing to be hot.

Homo Erectus Part 3: B2K, Marques Houston, Omarion, et. al.

Man, have I or have I not been talking about the fact that R&B is just an inherently shady enterprise?

I mean, the bottom line is that you’ve got cats who are interpretational, artistic and sensitive crooning with cornrows, wife beaters and an ice grill on their face. I mean, if these cats weren’t doing R&B, they’d probably be doing ballet, interior design or something. Well, here’s the proof. This cat Raz B from B2K is officially putting all these cats and “how they get down” on blast.

Look, there have been rumors that ALL these cats were gay for years. That includes all the fools from Immature (which includes Marques Houston, all these managers (Chris Stokes and company) and all these B2K (Raz B, Omarion, Ricky Romance etc.) cats.

Can someone explain this picture to me? Yes, that’s Marques Houston, that one eyed fool and that other random cat from Immature shirtless, in bed together with the collective Zoolander expression…Crazy. And what’s even wilder is this video about the whole culture of Chris Stokes sponsored gay wildness.

Ummm, anyway, in this video, Raz B alleges that his cousin and manager Chris Stokes, Marques Houston, and all the rest of those infinitely suspect cats were involved in some “let me touch it” (4:10 mark). Note that he said, “It all started with Chris Stokes.” Then there’s something about “the guys,” which I can only assume are the members of the group, being asked to “take showers together.” YIKES!

Ahem. This cat’s name is “Ricky Romance” and he’s wondering how he got caught up in some gay shit? Lordy… I also find it interesting how this dude is saying “I’m not bitter and I’m not trying to get even” but meanwhile, homey has all of this on speaker phone, up on youtube!!! Damn.

(That’s Stokes on the left)

And why is it that whenever somebody gets on some ole gay shit, the next thing that comes out of his mouth is some Bible verse and a reference to their newborn child? Arrrrggggh. Look, I’m in no way trying to minimize or belittle the trauma that must be associated with sexual assault, but don’t talk about “seeing God” and then backing that up with “I’ve been speaking in tongues since I was 11 years old” around a discussion of sex acts with your manager/cousin!

You know what, this is all a bit too wild for me. Makes you wonder what Omarion was really thinking about in this shot.

Terrible. No more posts on this topic. Ugly.

– Lake

Homo Erect-us Part 2

Look, I hate to keep harping on this, but I only have one question for you R&B fans, which one is the man in this relationship.

Kind of hard to figure out, right? Do you go with the smooth and confident cat on the left who in the absence of this clown to his right could actually be taken seriously in a civilized society or do you go with the “I likes it smooth, then rough” clown on the right who has that eerie hard/soft, “I hit the weights and the salon erryday,” too tight shirt that reveals the extra tight tricep cat? Tough decision right? Look, both of you cats look gay, but maybe that’s just me. Why not just go with the early 90’s matching sweater vests ala Boyz II Men.

These cats definitely need a spoon full of my favorite nutritious breakfast treat.

Hey Omarion, You’ve got my mom’s scarf where your heart used to be and I don’t like it. Not one bit. It’s times like these that I actually appreciate 50 Cent. Lie to me. Act hard, something, anything to avoid this type of shit.

-Lake

Homo Erectus lives…

I done told you fools about these soft R&B man-on-man duets. I can say the same for this Lil Bow Wow loves Omarion combination, but I think their album cover says it all.

Seriously, if you had no clue who either of these dudes were and you just looked at Omarion’s face in isolation, what would you think was on his mind? And what are they doing at the bottom on this picture? What, is this the suspect, two-man soft thug version of “I am Legend“? WTF? Rule No. 1 violations all over the place. Red card, technical foul, 5 minute major penalty, one stroke addition, one point deduction and every single other way I can tell you to stop doing this type of shit. This is the UvT version of a yellow card, a black and white picture that tells you what I think:

Don’t make me go to my standard joint that to date has been reserved for Ted Haggard, Larry Craig and Trent Lott. Stop doing soft duets, stop spending more time on your hair than you do your gear and stop looking over each other’s shoulder in a hope of catching a glimpse of the other dude’s eye…talking about “face off”. I don’t need that, nobody does.

In fact, no “face” references at all from here on out. You’ve been warned.

– Lake

Trent Lott: “I am a Gay American….sike(?)”

Whoa nelly. This joint is almost too good to be true. I mean, how hilarious would it be for Trent Lott, United States Senator from Mississippi to be a closeted gay dude messing with gay male escorts on Sunday and then passing anti-gay laws on Monday.

Well, that’s exactly what the anti-Lott and anti-GOP hypocrite crowd is saying he’s done. They also say that this scandal is the real reason for Trent’s abrupt retirement on Monday and not because of some timing issue associated with his lobbying carrer. Who knows, but supposedly this Benjamin Nicholas, the man he’s been linked to, is some kind of gay prostitute to the stars. He also writes a blog about his encounters and even gives advice to aspiring male hoes (nice). Despite this ridiculous tomfoolery, I guess dude is known for his discretion and “professionalism” (what?) as a male hizzoe.. haa Like homey wrote a stinging rebuke to that gay prostitute that outed the sinister minister Ted Haggard.

He said girlfriend violated the “uncomfortably buff gay male prostitute fucking with a hypocritical lying piece of chit” code of ethics. Hmm, I wonder if they’ve got a handbook. When Goldie was telling us about the virtues of a good hoe up in that planetarium, somehow I don’t think he had ole rubber neck up there on his mind.

Anyway, Larry Flynt and a few other sources say Lott does like to swing from the other side of the plate and supposedly they’ve got phone and email records to prove that he DID meet up with Ms. Nicholas. Now Benjamin, the self-proclaimed honest hoe, has said that even if he did bang out Trent he wouldn’t tell. He added that:

“Trent is going through his fair share of scrutiny right now and I don’t want to add to it.”

Then he said:

“As I said before, Lott has quite a bit on his plate right now and I don’t really want to add fuel to the embers.”

What? I don’t know about yall, but homeboy sounds very comfortable with Trent’s name, the man himself and “what he’s going through”… A little too comfortable.  Well, we know Trent is boys with Larry Craig, he was a cheerleader in college and he’s up in that barbershop quartet..

(the three Amigos, in that way)

All very suspect.

Damn man, sunofabitch. Now I really dislike Trent Lott, but when I think of my racist, bigoted, backwards assed politician that I despise, I at very least want him , as Harold Ford, Jr. put it, to like women and football (in that order). I don’t need my segregationist out there on the farm helping the boys over the fence and I certainly don’t want to see him hoisting up the banner with the fellas.

Damn, it’s all a little bit too Pulp Fiction rape scene for me, by the way, that scene in Pulp Fiction that “get some” scene..worst scene in cinematic history.. Just hands down. American Me was tough too. Ugly. Trent, I never thought I’d have to say this to you and honestly, I’ve got some mixed feelings about it, but:

Haaa, I never get tired of doing that. Good riddance…asshole. And Larry, when you get that extra information on this cat, “shout me a holla dun.”

– Lake

Classic material: Gangsta Lean by D.R.S.

If you’re a true fan of R&B like I am, then you’ll know what I’m about to post. This right here is just a classic R&B video and an all-time favorite for Lakey the sensitive thug.

How did we get to this you ask? Just think back, it’s 1993 and Gangster Rap is just killing it on the charts. You’ve got Dre, Snoop, hell, even Ice Cube has a few wild hits, but you just can’t rap. Oh, but you can sang!!! So what do you do? Fashion yourself as a Gangsta R&B group. And why not? Jodeci was getting a little gangsta with their joint.

I think they killed someone in an interlude and still sold millions, so it’s possible right? Well, not really (remember that rumor about how Devante got pistol whipped and then ended up on the run?). As I’ve always said, R&B is inherently soft, corny and somewhat gay…

I mean, let’s face it. Some dude with more product on his lips than he’s got on his hair, shirtless and making all kinds of weird sexual faces as he croons his way to economic bliss.

That’s just a recipe for bitchiness. And what’s so hilarious is that they know they’re perceived as bitches, so they over compensate by getting extra gangsta with it, which of course always backfires. Fair enough, but Gangsta Lean was the one exception to that rule and I guess the other exception would be Nate Dogg who somehow has seemed to find that perfect balance.

At any rate, Gangsta R&B was short lived and generally awful because if there is one thing gayer than an R&B cat, it’s a studio gangsta, wanna-be-hard, looking more like an Oz prison beeyatch R&B cat who is fronting like he’s something he’s not.

(and yes I have heard the rumors that Jaheim is gay, who knows?)

Either way, I’m glad the genre is gone (sort of), but I’m equally glad that we still have this jewel, Gangsta Lean, to stash in our collective gangsta memory banks.

– Lake

Trapped in the closet: Another gay Republican is exposed

Oh look, two weeks have passed so I guess it’s time for yet another Gay, Anti-Gay hypocrite Republican story. Let’s see who we got this time. Meet State Senator Rep. Richard “Dick” Curtis (R) from Washington State (and no I’m not making up that nickname. Not only is he a phony gay cat, but he’s a Dick, literally, LOL).

(What’s the deal with these walrus looking gay cats? Boy, this must be an interview, because homey is sweating like an Oz prison bitch with Schillinger and the boys around the corner in this pic. Yikes.)

Anyway, it was reported that some dude out in Spokane, Washington was trying to extort $1,000 out of Senator Dick. Dude said he was just looking for payment for ahem services rendered after a tryst in a hotel…You see, it turns out ole boy was a male prostitute. Awww heeell naw.

Whoa, this fool looks like a deflated John Cena. Not the upside down visor piece. Homo thugs activate. Anyway, the male prostitute was later identified as Cody Castagna, pictured above. Cody said that they had sex in the hotel room with Senator Curtis, but that the Senator Dick didn’t want to pay up after the deed was done. I guess Dick figured he’d put that ass on layaway (ok, even that was too much for me..haa). Wrong. WRONG. Ole boy wanted his stack piece right then and threatened to out Senator Dick for being a closeted gay man with a wife and three kids… Supa uglay!!

Worst of all, Senator Dick was a strong supporter of what? You guessed it, Anti Gay legislation!!!! Ding, ding, ding!!!! In 2005 and 2006, Curtis voted against a bill that granted civil rights protections to gays and lesbians. In 2007, Curtis voted against a bill that created domestic partnerships for same-sex couples. Still, both bills passed despite his opposition.

Initially on Monday when the story broke, ole Senator Dick said publicly “I am not gay, I have not had sex with a guy. I was just trying to help someone out” Is that what they’re calling it these days? Perhaps he needs to get with fellow “not gay until we found out he had sex with mens” fix-it man/con artist Ted Haggard, the once leader of some 10 million evangelical Christians.

Give him a week and he’ll knock that gay stain right off and he’ll keep it off. I mean, after all, he’s cured and delivered.. good as new.

(Uh Ted, I think it’d be best if you just stopped taking the knee all together. Thx)

You’ll be rejuvinated, purified, sanctified and feeling like your old, self righteous self again.

Anyway, once the story unraveled some, then it all started to come out. First, someone saw Senator Curtis at an adult store dressed up as a damn woman (wow) having a “sexual act” performed on him that very same day by “a man with a cane”… Ok, I’m uncomfortable. The workers at the store said that Senator Curtis came to the store often, “he’s our cross-dresser” they said… Wow. Senator Curtis’ reaction upon hearing all the beans spilling was, and I’m not making this up, “I need a divorce lawyer”…. haaaaa Ya think? These gay, anti gay cats are hilarious. They kind of remind me of the fictional blind, black white supremacist character, Clayton Bigsby, on the Chappelle Show.

When will they learn? This cat didn’t mind anti-gay legislation because all of his gay shit was happening on the down low, just how he likededed that shit. Fucking awful. Guess what player, in case you didn’t notice:

And everyone knows it… I guess that’s why he resigned today and now Cody Castagna, the gay prostitute dude, is doing interviews saying he was victimized by the Senator. Yikes… Senator, next time you better just pay up. I hope the G spot you saved on some premium homo thug tail was worth your entire career, reputation and marriage.

Don’t worry, some other hypocrite will just take his place. It will be some cat who doesn’t want drugs near schools, but yet he’s a coke addict. Or some cat who wants to “strengthen the family” as long as it doesn’t interfere with them hoes he’s got on the side. I love the GOP. So brave. So Moral. So brazen. So hypocritical.

– Lake