Disclaimer: Since this was the worst MTV VMAs I’ve ever seen, this is perhaps equally the worst post I’ve ever written. And I’ll tell you why. It’s really hard to write about something that is so boring, so terrible, just so damn wack. I mean, it brings you down. I tried to put a few decent observations, but honestly, this Z minus level show basically ruined my week. But I wrote it live, so I feel compelled to post. So here it goes, I can’t vouch for any of it.
So I was hoodwinked into watching these VMAs with the lady with the idea that I would get a chance to see a solid Britney Spears train wreck part deux. Need I remind you of last year’s showing?
I mean, the cats kept hitting us with that “Britney is opening the VMAs” rhetoric, so I thought I’d be getting something I wanted. But when they show opened up, it was literally just her walking in, taking her place at the podium and delivering one of the more uninspiring “welcome speeches” I’ve ever heard in my life. I should have known at that very moment to turn the TV off and walk away. Surprise, I didn’t.
Damn, on a positive note, is that old school, 2001 Britney? Damn, I must say, I’m almost impressed, but it can never be like it was.
Damn, that shit is just crazy. Britney was literally like a LeBron James level talent. She was ridiculous!
Curses, suddenly I realized that these MTV fools done hit me with the bait and switch. Here I am, thinking I’m about to see a Sarah Palin-esque, T&A “change” performance from Brit and then it happened. Awww, some crazy ass Rihanna techno song I don’t like with some middle earth cretins stomping the yard and Rih Rih sitting on high with a 3 story ball gown.
And then right on cue, Rihanna starts showing me what I already knew: That she’s literally the only chick of West Indian descent on record who cannot dance to save her life.
Then Dark Knight Joker meets Carrot Top came out to host the show.
Say what? Who is this cat and why are his pants so tight? The first thing I thought was, “oh, that’s that terrible Jesse cat from that ‘I want to be a vj’ contest back from the dead.” Then he spoke and I immediately wondered if I was the only one who had finally gotten sick of hearing all these British accents. Well, at least he kept it real with that “none of you know who I am”.. Ahh, honesty I can finally rally around. And then homey started cutting into Bush and the Republicans with a bunch of one line zingers:
“I’m for Barack Obama…you recently elected that retarded cowboy fella.”
“In England, George Bush wouldn’t be trusted with a pair of scissors.”
“Use a condom or become a Republican.”
Damn, he’s half funny, like a Sacha Baron Cohen meets the trench coat mafia. Anyway, to add to my misery, they then introduced some soft looking cats named the Jonas Brothers who had the nerve to start signing.
Who buys this trash? And who in the hell are the Jonas Brothers? Oh, the lady says that they’re just Hansen reinvented. God, this is the worst VMAs ever. I mean, the crowd is bored, the performers are terrible and even the presenters look disinterested. So Jaime Foxx, realizing this, came out yelling “wake up, wake up.” Dude, you know shit aint right when a cat has to tell people to wake up. I haven’t seen a crowd this stunned since back at Duke when the Ques did the “Pussy Step” with three dudes (total!) at the step show… You just had to be there, but trust me, it was so terrible that it was hilarious.
I know, I know, the Ques just like to go hard with the bruhs.. ahnt (I said it)
Anyway, so then they started in with “the best female video” and then the lady over in my easy chair made a great point, “why are these bad videos getting nominated for best video”? And then Britney Spears won. Say what? I forgot that she had an album last year. Then Britney went ahead and thanked God….Which immediately started to make me laugh and then the lady said, and I’m not kidding me, “hey, that’s an AA step”…Jeez.
Has it really come to that? Thanking God to get off the goose?
Goodness, what a debacle this is. Then Weezy came out and was fairly terrible.
Not really his fault, rap never does really translate well to a live format. But he didn’t have to rock the tight sag with the full on drawls coming out the back. Then Jordin Sparks came out looking like some kind of Extra Large Living Teddy Graham as she babbled about promise rings and being a slut. Perfect.
Dude, John Legend looks scared.
Anyway, I can’t continue with this. This was hands down the worst program I’ve ever seen on MTV. Oh and they topped it off with Kanye’s outdoor contest where he sang, OFF KEY MIND YOU, for an entire song with some Beijing drummers and tight ass suit.
God it was awful.
1. Dude, singing hooks is one thing, but YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY SING and nobody wants you to sing. Do hot beats, make tricky hooks and make us laughs occasionally. Just because Andre 3000 sang on his album doesn’t mean you can. In short, do what you do and stay in your lane.
2. Please get that wig cut off. Homey aint got a head that can sustain a lot of hair, especially with that temple taper.
Boy, NOTHING went right tonight and in honor of that, I didn’t post shit. Blame it on MTV…
To add insult to injury, Britney won THREE Moon Men.. THREE.
I mean, I know all awards are basically random and based on zero criteria, but what in the hell is wrong with videos generally, when Brit wins THREE awards for ONE SONG. She’s not even a relevant artist at this point. Goodness. What a joke.
I don’t know quite how we got there, but KIR in NV just said that the next time she sees Carrot Top in Vegas, she’s gonna ask him if he likes P-U Double Dolla Sign Y. Hilarious. The ladies of UvT really kill it. Read the comments people!