Don’t Count Kanye Out Just Yet

Every time I’m ready to count Kanye out, he pulls me back in.

Jeez.  I mean, one do I start.  One, I’m finally starting to feel Kanye’s outfit.  That’s a good thing.  Second, this wild goth tribal thing is enticing.  Video shoot perhaps or just the way ‘Ye likes to get down on a Saturday night?  And yes, that is video “lady” Dolicia Bryan, somehow finding her way onto my blog again. Let me get an angle two on that.

On second thought, why play around with it.  Too much art, not enough arse.  Keep it simple.  Hook up a pool, a few chicks of different ethnicities but the exact same skin color, some Cham-pag-nee spilling all over the place, a hot beat and some gimmick dance move or hand gesture.  Come on.  I don’t care about your artistic point of view or integrity.  Just put Angel Lola Luv in a tank of ass gel, with R. Kelly in the background singing “remix” and I’ll be happy.  That’s really all I need in this life. Kind of like that Bud Lite Commercial with “P-Can”:

Thx.

– Lake

Kanye West Assault Video is Hilarious

Hilarious.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Ye got arrested behind that? Haaaaa Hood up, backpack attached, with that cat telling people he took it while everything is on tape. Haa And when Kanye moves, is it just me or does he just look like a little kid.

Cat ass photog: POLICE POLICE…

Kanye Yes Man: Aint no Po-lice man, go on somewhere.

Fucking hilarious. ha

More later.

– lake

Dear Hip Hop, Please, No More Bitchassness…

Man, maybe I’m just getting too old for the game.  Maybe I’ve just lost touch.  Maybe I should just accept that a life of family, low salt foods and Jesus fishes needs to replace Vegas, Grecian Goose and verified ignorance.  I don’t know, I suddenly feel like the hip hop curmudgeon and I don’t like it.  Sure, I can deal with violence:

Hypocrisy:

Sexploitation:

and utter tomfoolery:

because those are the reasons I listen to hip hop to begin with.  But let’s be frank here.  There is an epidemic of cat shit that’s attacking the bedrock principles of the art form I know and love.  I mean, it was ok when the cat ass shit was truly artistic, like, if a dude was literally blasting off to planet 3000, I was ok as long as the rhymes stayed funky.

But see Andre 3000 can get away with that shit because he was doing it when cats were literally like, “what the fuk is wrong with this dude”?

I mean, a cat who comes out on the Chris Rock show with some snow boots, shoulder pads and blue wig right in the middle of the Jay Z “Hard Rock Life” and DMX “Get At Me Dog” era, really believes.  But this cat… I mean, goodness, didn’t Puff just recently ask for no bitchassness?

I mean, what the fuck is going on?  And please stop striking that pose like you reeaaally just nailed that outfit too.  haaa, this shit is awful.  Kanye, I really like your music and I do believe that you’re generally a sincere cat.  But on the rizzeal, you’re not that fashion forward dude you think you are.  Sure you have some cats following your steez, but they’re all fucking terrible and wack or quite literally on some other, high-lo, ignorant-intelligent, deep-shallow thespian bullshit.

Man, I’m telling you. These damn weirdos (I said it) have finally gotten under my skin.  All these dudes out here trying to be soooo different.  What ever happened to conformity?  I mean, I used to laugh when I heard those terrible ass NYC bouncers warn us “we can get gully in here sun, I told you, clear this area”  Ahhhhnnt Hell, I’m longing for those days now.  What ever happened to “punching a nilla in the face just for living” (Mobb Deep)?  I mean, I thought those days were the low point.  I thought DMX was taking shit too far.  Then I saw this.

And no I don’t care that those shoes are the hottest thing in Milan, that your extra medium tuxedo shirt is made of finely spun Mongolian cotton or that you had the vision to match it all with a suit from Men’s Warehouse just to keep it “organic” or whatever silly explanation you have for this ‘fit.  And no, I don’t give a hot damn about the strappy juxtaposition between the braces and the backpack or that fucked up green floor and your fucked up lack of a haircut.  I don’t know and I don’t wanna know, ok?

Jesus, Buddah, Allah, someone, please help us.  Obviously we’re not figuring this thing out down here.  Stop dressing like a gay euro.  Stop rocking shit you know looks wack, juuust becuase you think you’ll be seen as different.  Stop singing songs that truly require actual vocal ability and most of all, just stop being a bitch.

Put down that purse and pick up a ball, remote, a beer..dammit, something, anything.  I’m with Sarah Palin on this one, go shoot some Moose mufuckers, leave the cat shit be.

There, I said it.

– Lake

Yawn: The Worst MTV Video Music Awards Ever

Disclaimer:  Since this was the worst MTV VMAs I’ve ever seen, this is perhaps equally the worst post I’ve ever written.  And I’ll tell you why.  It’s really hard to write about something that is so boring, so terrible, just so damn wack.  I mean, it brings you down.  I tried to put a few decent observations, but honestly, this Z minus level show basically ruined my week.  But I wrote it live, so I feel compelled to post.  So here it goes, I can’t vouch for any of it.

So I was hoodwinked into watching these VMAs with the lady with the idea that I would get a chance to see a solid Britney Spears train wreck part deux.  Need I remind you of last year’s showing?

I mean, the cats kept hitting us with that “Britney is opening the VMAs” rhetoric, so I thought I’d be getting something I wanted.  But when they show opened up, it was literally just her walking in, taking her place at the podium and delivering one of the more uninspiring “welcome speeches” I’ve ever heard in my life.  I should have known at that very moment to turn the TV off and walk away.  Surprise, I didn’t.

Damn, on a positive note, is that old school, 2001 Britney?  Damn, I must say, I’m almost impressed, but it can never be like it was.

Damn, that shit is just crazy.  Britney was literally like a LeBron James level talent.  She was ridiculous!

Curses, suddenly I realized that these MTV fools done hit me with the bait and switch.  Here I am, thinking I’m about to see a Sarah Palin-esque, T&A “change” performance from Brit and then it happened.  Awww, some crazy ass Rihanna techno song I don’t like with some middle earth cretins stomping the yard and Rih Rih sitting on high with a 3 story ball gown.

And then right on cue, Rihanna starts showing me what I already knew:  That she’s literally the only chick of West Indian descent on record who cannot dance to save her life.

Then Dark Knight Joker meets Carrot Top came out to host the show.

Say what?  Who is this cat and why are his pants so tight?  The first thing I thought was, “oh, that’s that terrible Jesse cat from that ‘I want to be a vj’ contest back from the dead.”  Then he spoke and I immediately wondered if I was the only one who had finally gotten sick of hearing all these British accents.  Well, at least he kept it real with that “none of you know who I am”..  Ahh, honesty I can finally rally around.  And then homey started cutting into Bush and the Republicans with a bunch of one line zingers:

“I’m for Barack Obama…you recently elected that retarded cowboy fella.”

“In England, George Bush wouldn’t be trusted with a pair of scissors.”

“Use a condom or become a Republican.”

Damn, he’s half funny, like a Sacha Baron Cohen meets the trench coat mafia.  Anyway, to add to my misery, they then introduced some soft looking cats named the Jonas Brothers who had the nerve to start signing.

Who buys this trash?  And who in the hell are the Jonas Brothers?  Oh, the lady says that they’re just Hansen reinvented.  God, this is the worst VMAs ever.  I mean, the crowd is bored, the performers are terrible and even the presenters look disinterested.  So Jaime Foxx, realizing this, came out yelling “wake up, wake up.”  Dude, you know shit aint right when a cat has to tell people to wake up.  I haven’t seen a crowd this stunned since back at Duke when the Ques did the “Pussy Step” with three dudes (total!) at the step show…  You just had to be there, but trust me, it was so terrible that it was hilarious.

I know, I know, the Ques just like to go hard with the bruhs..  ahnt (I said it)

Anyway, so then they started in with “the best female video” and then the lady over in my easy chair made a great point, “why are these bad videos getting nominated for best video”?  And then Britney Spears won.  Say what?  I forgot that she had an album last year.  Then Britney went ahead and thanked God….Which immediately started to make me laugh and then the lady said, and I’m not kidding me, “hey, that’s an AA step”…Jeez.

Has it really come to that?  Thanking God to get off the goose?

Goodness, what a debacle this is.  Then Weezy came out and was fairly terrible.

Not really his fault, rap never does really translate well to a live format.  But he didn’t have to rock the tight sag with the full on drawls coming out the back.  Then Jordin Sparks came out looking like some kind of Extra Large Living Teddy Graham as she babbled about promise rings and being a slut.  Perfect.

Dude, John Legend looks scared.

Anyway, I can’t continue with this.  This was hands down the worst program I’ve ever seen on MTV.  Oh and they topped it off with Kanye’s outdoor contest where he sang, OFF KEY MIND YOU, for an entire song with some Beijing drummers and tight ass suit.

God it was awful.

1.  Dude, singing hooks is one thing, but YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY SING and nobody wants you to sing. Do hot beats, make tricky hooks and make us laughs occasionally.  Just because Andre 3000 sang on his album doesn’t mean you can.  In short, do what you do and stay in your lane.

2.  Please get that wig cut off. Homey aint got a head that can sustain a lot of hair, especially with that temple taper.

Boy, NOTHING went right tonight and in honor of that, I didn’t post shit.  Blame it on MTV…

– Lake

==========Update===========

To add insult to injury, Britney won THREE Moon Men.. THREE.

I mean, I know all awards are basically random and based on zero criteria, but what in the hell is wrong with videos generally, when Brit wins THREE awards for ONE SONG.  She’s not even a relevant artist at this point.  Goodness.  What a joke.

—————UPDATE—————–

I don’t know quite how we got there, but KIR in NV just said that the next time she sees Carrot Top in Vegas, she’s gonna ask him if he likes P-U Double Dolla Sign Y.  Hilarious.  The ladies of UvT really kill it.  Read the comments people!

Believe Those Kanye Lyrics

Maaan, I love Kanye West’s music.  In fact, I wish he had an album coming out right now.  I think he’s brought a lot to hip hop (still not sure what that term actually means), rap and music generally.  And while he’s probably opened up the door for the scriblet nation to step out into the limelight on some “this is who I am,” I can live with it.  Let’s face it, probably 52% of these cats in the hip hop music industry are gay anyway.

*vinyl scratch*  Anyway:

Everyone knows that if you look at any artistic endeavor, be it interior design, music, painting & drawing or the WNBA, gay cats are going to be waaaaay overrepresented, if not comprise ALL of the participants.  I mean, have you seen that show Project Runway?

My sentiments exactly. Anyway, Kanye puts it all out there:

Sorry, I can’t support the man purse though.

It started with him as the ultimate backpacker rapper.

And his lyrics pretty much fit that persona.  A cat on the outside who should have gotten a deal 4 deals ago.  And hey, dude was right.  More of America, white and black, was like him than those clowns in the music industry wanted to admit.  But who could blame them given the success of 50 and all the Fif act-a-likes at the time.

But what happens when a cat like Kanye actually gets real dough?  You get:

“How am I suppose to stand out when everybody is dressed up”

To:

“So we gon’ do everything that kan like
Heard they’d do anything for a klondike
Well i’d do anything for a blonde-dyke”

“And she’ll do ANYTHING when the time’s right”

Haaa, Baby you’re making it…”hard, bigger, faster, strongrrrrrr.”

Lol.  I can’t hate, because the dude is obviously living good.  Just believe those lyrics ala “Model chicks was bending ova”…

Dude, just how much adrenaline do you think is rushing through this cat in this pic?  It’s all in the eyes.  I like it.

– Lake

Oh and shouts to Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac BA for that hot “scriblet” rhetoric.  Permanently in that UvT lexicon because it’s too fitting.

Good Enough To Post: Lollipop Remix Feat. Kanye West

If you’re a Kanye West or Lil Weezy fan (I’m both) this is a veeeery worthy Remix to Lollipop for your listening pleasure.

These cats are going to start to get a liiittle bit too esoteric for me in a sec.

Now, they aren’t there yet, but I can see it going in that direction with the Zapp and Roger voice distortion and “swimming with the pigeons” type flow. Anyway, this shit is hot for now. Enjoy.

– DJ Lake-Ski

================Update====================

Oh shit, I just caught that lil Weezy preemptive “no homo” (which is just a hilarious development in the ‘homo’ fusion brand on hip hop that’s out there now) before the “He’s so sweet make me wanna lick the rapper” line. Haaaaaaaaaaaaa. Boy, haters say I over analyze things. I disagree, how could anybody worth a nickel miss that critical line? Man, I’m off my game. Back to the lab!

– Lake

Forget Jazz Hands, I present: Lake’s Hands

Oh yeah, just one of my many talents. What can I say. I feel it’s just the responsibility of the cool white dude to set things out like this. Enjoy.

And den what?

– Lake

Kanye’s lady is trying too hard

Maybe it’s just the hater in me, but Kanye’s lady seems like she’s going at this thing a little too strong.

It’s the look in the eye. The babe is attractive in that Afro Centric Blasian kinda way, but I don’t even want to see that look from “Ye” much less Ms. Ye. And speaking of Kanye, why is he engaged to this babe? You’re a star, there’s no need to actually get married. Pull a Brad Pitt. Tell her that you’re too artistic and open-minded for labels.

Atta boy…

Enough.
-Lake

Weird Video: Flashing Lights, Kanye West

I’m not sure I get this video concept. Maybe it’s just a snippet. Either way, it’s like too much and not enough all wrapped up into one.

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Also, I can’t decide if that chick in the video was just thick up on em or Superthick, push back away from it.

See what I mean? Don’t get me wrong, it’s right, but how much “right” is there? Too much? Here’s another shot of her.

And another with the Not Safe For Work Joints right HERE, HERE and HERE.

Her name is Rita G. and I just learned that ole girl is selling her used drawls up on her website. I don’t usually do this out of my immense respeck for women, but:

Nobody wants you nasty ass, video ho draws. Aint no telling who’s been up in them draws. From Jim Jones, to Charlie Sheen, to Tony Yayo… just terrible.

– Lake

In case you missed it: Kanye at the Grammys

I must say, even for over the top Kanye, this performance was pretty hot. But like many things there is a ying and yang effect. So I give you Kanye at his very best:

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Followed closely by Kanye at his all too familiar, semi crazy ass worst.

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That joint reminded me of the Eddie Murphy joke about Stevie Wonder’s long ass acceptance speeches, I must agree: “Just take the mufuckin award and get the fuck out.” Too much man. Still gotta give respek to ‘Ye though.

– Lake