Posts Tagged ‘The Bachelor’

The Bachelorette: DeAnna is just like the rest of em…

August 8, 2008

Lake was right dammit.  I don’t watch the damn Bachelor, but I know that Lake’s post started a damn outrage.  No one understood why DeAnna went for the free-spirited snowboarder.  We’ll the crack staff at Us Versus Them dug up the real deal.

Don’t be surprised if she ask where da cash at?

So the snowboarder is pushing a Masarati?  Oh yeah, he’s really down to earth.  Hey everyone who thought DeAnna didn’t go for the perfect prince of a man, you need to check your definition of prince.  I’m also sure this isn’t the first time Jesse’s car attracted some hose either.

By the way, is Deanna bad?

Look she’s clearly decent.  This right here is old school white woman thick.  I’m not talking new wave Kimmy K thick, I’m talking looks good in jeans, curves in all the right places, but not really bringing anything to the table thick.  You know the master assologist needs confirmation.  Let’s get that angle 2.

Uhhhhhh, yeah.  She could trick you in the right jeans and some dim lighting, but she’s not UvT quality.  DeAnna I’m glad you found true love.  I’m sure you loved being on tv, you love that car, you love being a People Magazine cover, and a prenuptual negotiation away from being independently wealthy.  I love it.  I bet that won’t be on the recap next season.

-Brock

===============Update=============

Damn straight I called the shit.  DeAnna was the most pushy bachelorette as a contestant I ever saw and then she just took it to a higher level when she became that Bachelorette with the big B.

She’s literally the worst.  She saw the big loot cakes and little brain and went right for Jesse.  Let’s be clear, when the second place dude’s profession went from “Real Estate Attorney” to “Account Executive,” we should have known he was done for.

DeAnna keeps her golddigging game just as tight as she keeps her crazy controlling woman game.  Now what’s not very tight is that midsection, which is fine, actually.  I must say, she sports it like it’s completely all good.  You kind of have to respect it in this day and age.  At any rate, with her “I’m saying she’s a gold digger” because “clearly she wouldn’t have picked Jesse, nilla” status, I’m just glad my boy, Best Bachelor Alive, Brad Womack really stuck it to her when he had a chance.

errrrrrrrr

I’m hoping he hit in the fantasy suite too. haaa  Dude, is there ANYTHING in reality tv better than the fantasy suite?  I can’t get over it… dude hands ole girl taht little card, you know the one that say, “Will you let me HIT?”  It’s so damn good.

– Lake

The best Bachelor ever: Brad Womack is ICY…

November 21, 2007

Aside from the fact that he’s got a brother named Chad (I never did understand that corny rhyming named twins thing) this cat Brad Womack, the Bachelor, has to go up there as one of the best reality stars ever.

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For real dough, you just gotta etch his name in that Reality TV Stanley Cup right behind Flavor Flav, Dr. Will Kirby/Mike Boogie, William Hung, Chance, Nathaniel Golden, and Hoopz (of course)…in fact, let’s go ahead and run a picture of Hoopz..

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More Hoopz is always good for this and any other site. And yes, I will hit you with that reverse angle.

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(with no airbrush in sight or site. What, she’s got a g-string on)

Ahem, back to where I was. This cat Brad is an awesome dude. I mean, he reminds me of an older and less pimperish version of myself because homey has dry ice running through those veins. Listen, I’ve always loved the Bachelor. It’s just a good concept. One dude gets to romp with 25 women, then see about half of them in bikinis, only to kiss about 8 or so of them. Ok, so that’s cool and I always enjoyed those kind of odds in my younger years. But the greatest innovation by far has to be those “Fantasy Suite” dates where the Bachelor basically leverages sex for a rose. I mean, really making those chicas put their money maker and their mouths were that dude is.

Classic. What’s so great about it is that each one of them really go into that suite as if ole boy isn’t doing the exact same thing with 2 other chicks. I know, I know, he — no, they just have to connect on a “higher level” do figure out if it’s true love. I’m quite sure “true love” is something like what Andre 3000 described in his song A Life in the Day of Benjamin Undre:

15 love, fit like glove
description was like
15 doves in a jacuzzi catching the holy ghost
making one woozy in the head and comatose

So he hits all three chicks of course and then eliminates one. This year that decision was easy. The one chick was ridiculous and her family was even worse. She just had to go. Hit her and quit her was actually quite fitting for her punk ass.

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But this cat, he hits the other two and then goes to that final rose ceremony, ring in hand, after they both tell him they love him and disses BOTH finalists.

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I like how he set it up too. Insert country drawl which was half Dubyah Bush half Forrest Gump, “I jus- said goodbye to Jen-nee“. Then ole girl smiles (not too fast now). And then he just acts like he needs a shot of Dasani, followed by that “excuse me” where he jumps off the throne. Oh man..

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“Eye jus caint tell you that I’m in luv wit you..and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to dew”. Sure it is. Yes, ole boy ices out both chicks, a Bachelor first!!! Oh man, now if ABC will only have the vision to go with The Bachelor, this is the Remix Part Deux, Brad does it again. I know I’d be watching. And how ballsy was it for him to come with that “you know, I wouldn’t change a thing and I have no regrets” with regard to how things turned out. He knew that he iced all 25 babes out, he just didn’t care. Love it. Thanks Brad.

– Lake Womack

===========Update=============

Wow, so they have this After the Final Rose show. Boy, Brad is on the spot. Dude actually caught some boos when he came out. Ugly. Then the show’s host, Chris, reveals that he asked the show to send DeAnna’s dad out there because he was going to propose to her. So homey asks him, “why did you do that?”, answer, “Obviously I have some problems”….lol Homey, you aint got no problems. You’ve got all the right answers and all the right moves. And by the way, Jenni, the Phoenix Suns dancer is a solid thick white woman. Did I ever say that? Let’s see what the interns have for us in the way of evidence of thickness.

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Hmmm, not really good enough, but I’ll take it. Again, this show should be run by UvT entertainment, then all the angles, hell, all their measurements and vital statistics would be up on screen at all times like the NFL combine or something.

Boy, this cat is just the best. He reapplied that ice to DeAnna on the wrap up show. “I’m confident in my decision from that day..” Let me translate that for you baby.. “Hit the bricks baby, I got bars to run and chicks to get at…this is what I do.”

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Respek.

The Bachelor episode 4 roundup, Blondie loses it

October 23, 2007

Hey, I like the Bachelor because they just keep it so basic and good with the hard bodies and solid superficiality. As a dude you just get to look at babes, who are in the best shape of their lives, run around in sexy dresses and bikinis en route to that fantasy suite, so what’s the problem? At any rate, the show has finally whittled the babes down to a workable number for some analysis. Like to here it go:

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I must say, I like Brad. He runs a bunch of bars with his brothers. What’s not to love about that? Moreover, you can see that he has dealt with some hot babes in his day because unlike other Bachelors on the shows, he’s been willing to cut sexy chicks who don’t have the best personalities, where I think before cats were literally just trying to get the hottest tail into that fantasy suite so they could close that deal. So he’s a legit cat within this bullshit context we call reality tv, so I can’t really hate on the dude (a Lake A. first). Nevertheless, his quest to find true love with 12 ‘hotties’ of different personal worth is always comical. But that’s why I love this show because the casting directors just keep it so very real with the stereotypes of actresses errrr ladies they select and it works well for a low reality consumer like me. Let me run a few of the interesting babes (along with their stereotypical profile) for you:

1. Bettina (sounds like an around the way girl’s name, right?)- The seasoned veteran woman who knows what she wants

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Let me go ahead and translate what I mean by “seasoned.” In a reality tv context and really any kind of dating context past the age of 23, “seasoned” might as well be a euphemism for hoe.

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Under no circumstances is any man ever to marry this kind of chick, but their strength is in making fools believe that up is down, black is white and cold is hot. They are skilled at making their target think it was just the other guys who didn’t treat her right and not that she was selfish, unfit for wifedom and more likely than not, a scandalous, conniving hizzoe. In other words, she’s got crazy game where it counts.

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(Look how smooth she looks with that wine, even though the other babe is flaunting that rose. You can tell Bettina is playing that long game. She’s not trying to win the battles, she’s trying to win the war, steal a man like she’s done before. She’s a shark…cold as ice, you gotta respect it)

Like some chicks have game to get a dude to buy them a nice dinner or an anklet and others have a plan to take some rich dude for half his bankroll by the end of the decade. Bettina is the latter type of chick, which is why she’s 27 (yeah right) and already divorced. Cold as ice, sexy and tricky….watch her Brad, watch her. She even said so herself on this episode, “I want to kiss (read have sex with) Brad, but I was raised (by her gold digging mother no doubt) that you should play hard to get (read, that you should lie and deceive to get what you really want).

Now that bad side to this class of chick is that she’s shady as hell, superficial and untrustworthy. The good side is that her sex game is always tight. That’s how she got where she is today; by knowing her man and being steadfastly committed to do whatever it takes to get out there and perform on Sunday (not to mention any other day of the week until she gets to the alter and stops completely). Basically their entire life is centered around this cleaned up hoe flow and boy oh boy does it work. A chick like this will be married no less than 3 times in her life and have either no kids (they never want them because it would mess up their figure, but sometimes you have to pop one kid out so that they can keep those checks in case there is a tight prenuptial, take notes ladies).

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True to form, Bettina is not 27 years young (with the mind of a 55 year old), divorced, Heather Locklear-esque, with only mild symptoms of cougar’s disease… She’s clearly more calculated, intelligent and shady than the others. She’s playing this reverse game on Brad as she tries to turn her divorce into an asset with all this “you’re starting to make me feel comfortable so I can open up” nonsense, which is great on her part. Why act like you want him when everyone else already is giving it all up for free? Bettina’s no fool, seasoned vets can’t afford to be. LOL, she did slip up however, when she got pissed that the other babe got the diamond earrings. I aint saying she’s a gold digger, but, she aint fucking with a broke nilla.

I loved this last episode, because Brad asked her if she had dated since she got divorced. She went with the pregnant pause, which is great because you know during that 2 seconds she so graciously gave herself with that feigned contemplation, some form of fellatio (the true answer to his question) ran through her head, followed closely by a quick cost-benefit analysis concerning whether she should lie (yes, she did), to what extent (just enough but not too much because she will have to show the freaky side to seal the deal and let’s not forget, people at home know she’s a hoe and she’s probably still “with” the dude she was cheating on her husband with). I did like how she tried to turn that slight cost-benefit panic session into a sympathetic moment for herself though. That “it’s a tough world for a divorcee looking for love” bill of goods she was selling was hilarious, meanwhile, her ex-husband who caught her taking it doggy style from Pepe the gardener is throwing shit at the tv.

2. Hillary, the naive freak who just wants a good fuck guy

This babe right here let’s you know that Brad is used to getting premium tail. No question, in any other context Hillary is probably a visual a dime piece. She looked right in that bikini at the pool party tonight, too. Alas, she’s afflicted with what we call in pig latin, azy-cray disease. Come to think about it, you can kinda see the stalker tendencies in this picture.

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She’s got the body, the look and attitude of a 23 year old with a girl’s gone wild mentality (though I must even early on it seemed like she may be trying a little too hard). She seems like she’s fun to be around and she openly talked about how she wanted Brad to rip her clothes off, hit it from the back, spank her and then turn her over to finish her off (she seriously said this on the show, LOL). That should have been a red flag actually, because while she may have wanted that from Brad, you can’t actually say that on tv. I think Monique said it best on her show Charm School, that’s slutacious. Still, society always needs good attractive hoes (I know that’s hard for some of you to understand, but it’s kind of like good vs. bad cholesterol).

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(someone call up Gnarls Barkley, cuz this chick is craaaaazay! That look on her face aint right man)

Anyway, upon further research and review, after I saw the previews for her crazy exit from the show, it was revealed through my UvT Philly sources that supposedly she’s really some low grade hick town chick with a 4 year old kid and all types of ho games on her resume. Maybe that’s why Brad peaced her out and why she acted like she hadn’t ever been anywhere before. Sheeyut, she probably saw Brad as her and her kid’s way out of the hood life. The babe may look country club, but she’s trailer park with the hot meltdown drama to boot.

3. Sheena – Young girl, old face

I’m not sure if it’s too much sun tanning, too many smokes or just some hard ass living, but this babe does not look 23 years old.

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Yeah, Sheena seems like a sweet chick, but you cannot be looking like you’re about to compete in the cougar all star challenge at the tender (and supple) age of 23. If you told me this chick was 32, I’d believe you. It’s too bad and she needs some product for that wig piece too.

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Come on people. This is like the ALCS, you gotta come to win. All this frizz, leather face, and titties falling out like that one chick had on the first episode, it’s just not good enough. I’m a bit surprised that Brad kept this chick around.

4. DeAnna – hot exotic chick (and when I say exotic, I mean anything Latin, Greek or dark eye-talian)

While DeAnna is that exotic looking babe with the advanced body and very attractive look, she’s unfortunately a babe with major issues.

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Anytime a chick just can’t get along with other women, it’s an issue. Again, major red flag that this chick is always into some shit. You want a babe to smooth you out, not get you into beef with chicks and/or dudes. All the tools, but crazy…sad but true story line for far too many of you chicks out there.

5. Jenni – Cute all American brunette who stays in the gym

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This babe is a no brainer. She’s the classic Bachelor contestant, in fact, they must just go around to all the professional sports teams to recruit these chicks. Jenni is a Pheonix Suns dancer, so you know she’s on KFC thigh alert (something they showed off in the previews for next week’s show).

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She’s got the reasonably cute face, cool personality, willingness to get down and dirty and rocking body. What more can you ask for in a purely superficial relationship that lasts for two weeks. She’s a front runner along with DeAnna. To me, Jenni is the safest play in the group. Everybody else has blatant issues, namely snake in the grass (Bettina), leather face credentials/future cougar hall of famer (Sheena), or too hot to handle, semi crazy with some extra attitude habanero pepper sauce on top (DeAnna).

I do like that Brad is kissing and getting into the heads of all the chicks. Definitely pimp status with that extra tender touch to keep them all satisfied with his multiple spit swapping. Can’t wait for the haters to come out at the reunion show, but Brad is as smooth as they come, sort of like his brother from another, Lake.

– Lake

“Pretty Boy” Floyd on Dancing with the Stars?

September 25, 2007

Awww, first we had Oscar rocking the fishnets, now this:

(Yeah, I think Floyd will hit this)

Why oh why is Floyd Mayweather “competing” on Dancing with the Stars? Isn’t he supposed to be training for his fight with Ricky Hatton? Normally I’d call on a celestial power to take track of Floyd’s mind and set him straight, but this time I know better. It’s gonna take more (or less), because clearly Floyd is off his rocker. So I’ll say it, Roger, take the wheel!!!!

I would tell Floyd’s pops, Floyd Sr. to take the wheel, lest folks start calling him “Batty boy” Floyd, but that fool has more hair on the top of his head than he has good sense, so I won’t even bother.

And Jr. I gotta tell, you, if you end up looking like your namesake, they’re gonna have to start calling you Ugly Boy Floyd in about 10 years or so, because your pops has ugly down to a sweet science my man. Goodness, maybe this Dancing with the Has beens and Never Were is a good career move for you as you transition out of boxing. I wouldn’t wish this kind of human deterioration and degradation your pops or uncle (Roger) have suffered on anybody. Then again, since you’re unwilling to make a good fight for people who pay good money errrr take a hit, you’ll probably be alright for the foreseeable future.

I wonder how Mel B did last night, clearly I wasn’t watching. Too busy watching the boobs of skanks and hizzoes errr looking to see who would find true love on the Bachelor. Ha, I know, horrible show, played concept, but these big breasted, slim waisted white women seemingly never stop emerging from that limo, so I’m compelled to watch. I guess Dancing with the Stars does have thick Mel B, though.

The next to nothing the chicks wear on that show make it somewhat appealing.. We’ll see. I’ll have my interns watching this for me. I can’t commit to it yet. More later.

– Lake