Lake’s Perfunctory Chicks Post

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Now I know there are all kinds of worthy topics out there.  You’ve got Hillary’s bullshit win in West Vir-tucky last night, the fact that Jeter, Johnny Damon and the human sweat gland, Jason “the Juice” Giambi share a gold thong and hell, I don’t know, those two gay facers squaring off in the increasingly irrelevant American Idol final.  But I don’t want to talk about that.  In fact, I won’t talk about that.  Do you know why?  Because I come out here and blog semi everyday for “us” but still I get criticized by these half haters for everything I’m NOT doing.  Like my boy, “Freddie Beef” graduating from Harvard right about now, this cat had the audacity to roll on me the other day talking about how I’m “getting soft on that ho game.” 

I mean, this cat was literally like, “yeah Lake, the blog is cool and all.  I feel you on that Republican bullshit and those religious right cats are completely ridiculous, but what about these chicks son?  I mean, quit that chit chat ‘for that blog is flat on it’s bizzack…fool.” 

Mutha-fucka!  Now I know how Allen Iverson felt with that whole “Practice” and “why do I have to” rants.  I don’t give you enough lows, pink tizzoes and hizzoes?  Me?!  Are you farging kidding me? (and yes that was a hot Johnny Dangerously reference).  Yall want the ladies?  I’mma give you some ladies. 

Let’s start off with a newly married Mariah Carey Cannon.  Dude, remember when I praised her long about two weeks ago for her Hollywood smooth body piece?  Well, I guess it’s like my girl Jabz B from DC says, “Everything is fake,” because Mimi is beginning to look exactly like who we thought she was.

Say what?  Yo, is it just me or is everybody just going dead up tits out, I’m free and buck-ed naked?  I mean, that’s not the outfit I think it is, is it?  Angle two please…

Damn, it’s like Kanye said in Diamonds, no not “how could you falter when you’ve got rocks of Gibralter“… it’s that “How could something so wrong, make me feel so right…Right?”  Now I’m not sure how that applies, but it’s exactly what I feel when I peep this picture.  I mean, nipples fully exposed.  Breasts just all the way out and stomach not quite looking right.  Yep, one week post wedding and Mariah’s already falling into utter disrepair with a plethora of code violations to boot. 

Damn…  I mean, it aint negative ass, but it sure as hell aint positive either.  I mean, what are we really looking at here?  An evening dress?  An all hallows outfit?  Yeah, I see the red carpet, but for all of our sake, I’m just going to assume she’s at Target shopping for some more appropriate drawls for that “dress.”  Yikes. 

Damn, I need to cleanse my palate after that.  Hmmmm, how would I do that?  Ah yes, with some country fried, Jessica Biel goodness…

Wow, do I hear birds chirping?  And why is there a subtle but steady crescendo in my ear to the beat of that Genuwine (that spelling, while accurate, is crazy by the way) classic “So Anxious“?  Maybe it’s the bronzer she’s got going on that upper thigh, just talking to a nilla.

It’s ten-ten….where you been?  Did you get my message?”  Timberlake has to be the eternal UvT man of the year for this babe. 

Anyway, let’s keep this thang rolling.  We’ve pitted good against terrible and then terrible against good.  I mean, it’s like a Chick Picture version of the Paul Pierce v. LeBron battle in game 7.  So after that lovely specimen known as Biel, you know I gotta hit ya with a force for not good.  Yep, you guessed it, Rihanna making it drought on these bros. 

 

Say WHAT?  I can’t lie, this is the best I’ve EVER seen this babe.  I mean, she’s looking downright tasty right chere in what I can only describe as a “light in the thigh, look in the eye” special.  And while he told me she’s far too geriatric for his purposes, even a soon to be jailed aRa “He a damn Lie” Kelly had to come out of hiding to take in that silky wholesome goodness. 

Can she do it again? 

Awwww…..no.  Ok, I just gotta stay positive.  How can I turn this around, oh I know, let me crack open my Smooth Girl and see what they — oh yes, my girl Buckeey… right on time.

Hey, aint no doubting that.  That’s why I like Buckeey, because even though that window dressing might be fake, those Dow Jones like fundamentals are rock solid…literally.  

Smooth girl indeed.  Ok, now knowing the ladies who read this blog like I do, I’m pretty sure that a clean 54% of you are feeling just about like this right now:

But that’s ok becuase like Shaunie O’neal, you pretty much knew what you were buying when you decided to F with Lake and Brock to begin with.

 

See?

– Lake

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21 Responses to “Lake’s Perfunctory Chicks Post”

  1. Kam Says:

    Killed em with the Johnny D reference early on a Wed morn, Dont pay that cork-soaker any mind you keep “us” on point with the ladies around these parts, you could come with the NSFW joints more often but heyI guess this is a classy operation… Tell homie to lay off my favorite blogger, my mother criticized my favorite blogger once….ONCE.

  2. SMH Says:

    You’re mixing and matching with the rihanna photos. The ones from the back are 3 years old, but the front ones are new. She is very nice from the back these days, i say this as a rihanna expert.

  3. Be On It Says:

    I LOOOOOVE Jessica Biel. I stare at her photo before I go to the gym to get my motivation right. I refuse to get my J game properly funded (implants are for hookers), but I can damn sure maintain the legs, tail, and stomach.

  4. Will Says:

    Lake – talk about perfunctory. Bruh u forced this one out like a dry one-wiper! 😛
    Ay where’d the F#*k u find that Rhianna pic?!- Gyot-DAMN! But I know thas just more Hollywood magic, so… ‘Eh’.
    Jessica Biel……….Mmm. Goddess.
    more PAWGs please.

  5. KIR in NV Says:

    @ Lake: I won’t pretend to speak for all of the Us Ladies up in the hizzay but I don’t begrudge you and Brock your obligatory chicks posts. Like you said, I knew what I was getting into when I bought my share of UvT. If it gets to be too much, I just hit up my regular interweb spots to peep the straight testosterone and all is right with my world again.

    No homo, J Biel is working it.

    @ Be: The after market J’s are for hookers AND strippers, which in many cases are one in the same. Just wanted to clarify.

  6. Lake Lover Says:

    I’m a proud female reader and I LOVE LAKE AND BROCK. If they hate then let em hate and watch the posts pile up! Best shit on the web guys. Gotta have it.

  7. Lake Lover Says:

    Oh and that Rihanna gets a bad rap. I’m not saying she’s got ass, she doesn’t, but she’s very pretty in my humble opinion.

  8. Jessica is it Says:

    I looooooove Jessica Biel. Her body is unreal, no lesbo.

  9. Gary D Says:

    That picture with that baby is hilarious. Seriously, I’ve gone back to it 5 times today and it just cracks me up.

  10. Be On It Says:

    @ KIR: Thanks for making the clarification, cuz my internal logic was not apparent to the casual reader. Hookers = strippers= video chicks= 85+% of celebrity baby mamas.

  11. Jab Says:

    I don’t remember saying that, but it rings true – everything IS fake.

  12. Lake Arlington Says:

    @Be, define “Baby Mama”.. it’s funny yall should say this, Brock and I were just talking about this topic yesterday. Well, your topic that is with reference to the Real World this year. It was around how terrible that skripper from Philly is and how she’s basically that stereotypical hoodrat stripper girl. I mean, Skripper and Hizzoes are literally in the same business and for the .5% of them who aren’t in the ho bitniz, if you add in drugs, like the real world girl who was on Meth, they’ll be into that ho bitniz by Sun up. Skrippers and Hoez are definitely the exact same. I’m not so sure about video hoes and baby mama’s though. I need to hear more on that. But I loved how she took ole dude back to Philly to address her outstanding warrant (go figure) and then got immediately on that POLE…AGAIN. Tough.

  13. Lake Arlington Says:

    @Kam… That Once…once line is a classic. Johnny Dangerously is a very underrated movie. “You farging bastiges!”

  14. Be On It Says:

    Hey Lakey, I’ll gladly define the celebrity baby mama. These are the chicks who hang around a particular segment of the entertainment business (sports, music, film, etc.) and have no reason for being there except trying to snag a balla. Lala Vasquez, Julissa, Kim Porter, Kim K, Kobe’s wife, a bunch of irrelevant chicks I can’t name right now, and just about all of the plasticky looking NBA/NFL/MLB/NHL girlfriends that you may occasionally see in a sideline shot. The women who were with these dudes before the fame don’t normally fall into this category, but they lose mad points for the plastic upgrade post-contract signing.

  15. Be On It Says:

    Oh, I guess you can add Angel Lola Luv, and Dollicia Bryan. The latter gets two scoops of vitriol from me because hers is all natural. I just pray that, like every other supa thick chick, that it all goes downhill as she gets older. Yes, I’m hating, but seeing all the bonafide “dimes” get fat after a baby or a couple of years is one of the few things in life that slim girls like myself look forward to.

  16. Drama Says:

    Forget all these other girls, from the sounds of these Be On It posts, we may need a “ladies of UvT” calendar or at least post. Damn, “Jessica Biel is my idol” and “I’m working the stomach” and all this “looking forward to slim girls like me” has me wondering about something. Be On It is cyber sexy!!! 😉

    I said it!

  17. Brock Hardon Says:

    Drama, you ain’t lied. Be On It is definitely dropping hints on the UvT nation. Keep on maintaining that tail. Professor Brock doesn’t have the proper information to do a full Assology breakdown, but it sounds like the proper forces are in motion to declare you one of “Us” (we know you are already one of Us in attitude and humor, we’re talking about the other side of the UvT business). Hall of Famer? I’d need more evidence.

  18. RosyF Says:

    @Be Preaching it. Thickeness like Dollicia is a young woman’s battle and most are guaranteed to lose the war. I’ll keep my slim triple tuck (Brock) and keep working it till I am a old enough to be a certified courgar (Lake) or hell if somehow “they” got me on some maternity test become a MILF. Ha.

  19. Lake Arlington Says:

    Ha.. this is very true… One of our sayings back at Duke, “thick today, superthick tomorrow..” It’s tough. A dude can’t win..lol….

  20. Lake Arlington Says:

    Rosy… VERY bold calling out a self assessed triple tuck.. Don’t make me put that in the lab… ha terrible.

  21. New Kind of “Flavor” of Love: Buckeey Sex Tape « Us Versus Them Says:

    […] remember how I professed my guilty admiration for Shay “Buckeey” Johnson, not once, but twice?  Sure you […]

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