I don’t want to write this. It is literally the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of. Hey look, I don’t know what the loyal Us Versus Them readers do in their personal lives, but I’ve been exposed to a lot of things. You know how you can imagine the craziest, most fucked up thing possible? But then there are things that are so wild that you can’t possibly think it is real? This is one of those things. Take a look at this:
Car and car model. Simple right. You may check out the car and appreciate the design, but you also check out the woman, nice j’s, thick through the thigh, proper arch of the back to try to show she’s working with something. That is why they put half dressed women in pictures of cars, so that someone might actually pause on a page that they might normally just breeze by. Well, there are people among us that are looking at the car. Not because they like cars…because they like cars. These freaks see this:
I’m talking headlights and tailpipes. There are apparently “Mechaphiliacs” out there who have sex with cars, and this guy, Edward Smith, is apparently the Wilt Chamberlain of fucking cars because he claims to have tailpiped over 1,000 motor vehicles. Like Hugh Hefner, he’s settled down with a Herbie the Luv Bug look-alike named “vanilla” that he calls his “girlfriend”.
So where the rest of us see this:
Sure there’s a mini cooper, and that chick might be terrible, and those stripper heels are completely unacceptable, but everyone checks the thong. Ed only sees this:
What a sick, sick dude. Ed, when R. Kelly said “You remind me of my Jeep” he meant that he wanted to ride the babe he was with like his favorite whip. What he didn’t do was meet a chick in the club and think to himself, “I can’t wait to get home and jump in the backseat and bang out my cup holders. Meanwhile, no one should ever ride with Ed anywhere, ever, not never, evaevaeva.
The craziest and most disturbing thing? Ed ain’t by himself. Check out this dude’s breakdown of hitting your favorite ride from the back doe armed with nothing but a beer coozy, some tape and some leverage. Here’s an excerpt.
If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short) period of time, the tailpipe will be hot. Do not do anything with the tailpipe hot. Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off. The tailpipe will cool off faster than the engine, so you don't have long to wait. I call screwing the car while the tailpipe is hot, "fucking the car hot". Never fuck a car hot. I did, once. Once.
Really? Who does this? What makes you go at it the first time? Is there a gateway vehicle? A bike where the seat rides up, or a motorcycle with a bad attitude? Do Pedomechanaphiliacs have a bunch of Power Wheels locked up in their basement? He goes on to talk about how sharp tailpipes are and why you need to watch out for soot. You’re dealing with an expert.