Posts Tagged ‘NSFW’

Thick Sorta-Rican, Likely Asian Woman: Tila Tequila Got Ass?

August 20, 2008

You know we try to keep an eye out for unexpected arse and thickness.  I mean, sometimes it just jumps up out of nowhere.  Remember the Badu sightings of ’07?

Ahhh, yes, it’s like where were you on 9/11.  Discovery of dat ass was truly a defining moment for me and I remember it well.  Honestly, just for context, look at what that clown mirror ass looks like from the side, found below, and just ask yourself what the composition of that tail must be like up close and personal.

Seriously, ponder that.  HARD STOP.

Moving on.  What about that thing that jumped up and attached itself to Angela Simmons?

That was so crazy that the only supporting evidence we could find to verify its legitimacy was the fact that Bow Wow was supposedly hitting.  Well, here’s another one.  Peep Tila Tequila’s act:

Say what?  What the farg am I looking at?  Oh wait now, I’mma need me an angle two on that!

Daaaaaayum.  Tila is thicker than a mug!  Had I known this I wouldn’t have stood still while she hooked up that “I kissed a girl and I liked it, taste of her cherry chap stick” special on her show.  Sheeeit, I like this.  Let’s go ahead and just make this an “All Tila’s Undiscovered Ass” kinda day:

Saaaaay whuuuuud?!  Damn, what three inches of rotation can do!  Blasted cameramen!  Curse-ed Lycra!  Now see.  Let that be a lesson to you budding Assologists out there.  My grandpappy warned me of fools tail like this.  He said, “Boy, believe half of what you see and this chick here!!!”  Or something like that.  Stuck with me to this day.  Oh well, at least we’ll always have those Tila NSFW pics.  Peace.

– Lake

2 Girls 1 Cup…Cake

June 6, 2008

I’ve told you before that you should never try to find the 2 girls 1 cup video.  If you listened to your boy Brock (and I pray that you did), you should still have pure thoughts.  Once again, there are plenty of ways for you to figure out what happens on that video without actually watching it.  Here’s another piece of the puzzle.

My eyes are watering just looking at the cake.  Can’t you tell by looking at that cake that you want no parts of that video? Seriously, do you see that cup?  WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS YOU SICK, SICK FREAK!?!?!  Seriously, never go looking for that video, ever.

-Brock

Porn Before the Internet: Kiana Tom Flex Appeal

May 8, 2008

You want to talk about Classic Material? Let’s talk about early morning/late night ESPN back when ESPN turned into Strongman Competitions and Lumberjack challenges on the weekends. Now they’ve got the 6am Sportscenter, followed by the 7am, 8am, 9am, 10am, 11am and noon editions of Sportscenter. Back in the day, you just had Kiana Tom. Check out this hot girl on girl action.

Kiana knew what the hell she was doing! ESPN knew what they were doing too. They called the show Flex Appeal!  What more do you need to know? Kiana talking about proper form, watching yourself do it in the mirror, and back cleavage?  She’s got the green bra popping up out of the tied up spandex while she “works her pecs”. Then you get the old school early 90’s thong on the outside of the leotard. Look, when you don’t have the free access to porn that you have today (seriously, if you turn off safe search on Google you can enter almost any word in the english language and come up with some bucked nakedness) you throw on some Flex Appeal and those terrible ass movies that USA used to play hosted by Elvira and that was bout as titillating as your multimedia experience was going to get for a youngster.  Back in the day, before the internet…a little flex appeal with all the spandex and the legs got the blood pumping.

She keeps it looking good. All that working out, all that lifting and she never got too strong. Never showed up looking like this:

Oh, and as an added bonus she apparently has the full on butt naked NSFW shots out there. See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about…with the internet you can get the chick who you pretended was nude through all the spandex butt naked with a few clicks of the mouse. I didn’t look at the pics, but if you wanted to, you cold find them HERE.

-Brock

R. Kelly To Threesome Participant: Stop Snitchin’

May 5, 2008

Man, let me tell yall; nothing in the history of the world will be better than this upcoming R. Kelly Trial.

I just hope that it’s televised on tv. Like, for real. It’s already so good and aint shit even happened yet. Just think about it. First off, the trial already has two damn soundtracks…LITERALLY.

1. That Trapped in the Closet Parts 1-5 pretty much supplies the perfect metaphor for this fool’s life right now. In fact, let’s just go ahead and run that Trapped in the Closet. I’ll hook the link up so that it just opens in another window. LOL.

2. Is that classic “Pee On You” and the “Pee On You Remix“. Lol. Is there anything better?

Said rollin’ around, sittin’ on dubbs
Brock and I wuz high on shrubs
Coolin’ in my escalade
Man I’m paid, I got it made
Take me to your special place
Close your eyes, show me your face
I’m gonna piss on it

Chorus
Hatters wanna hate
Lovers wanna Love
I don’t really want
None of the above, I want to piss on you
Yes I do, I’ll piss on you, I’ll pee on yooooou

Said your body, your body, is a port-a-potty

Sorry R. Not only is that shit ridiculously funny, but it’s just about THE BEST parody EVER.

Anyway, aRa is coming with the oh so classic and effective “Waddent Me” defense, which is hilarious because if you saw the tape one thing is clear: It WAS R. Kelly.

I mean, if you don’t know anything else, that is completely clear. Like, you could think that piss was digital like Dave Chappelle said. You could possibly think that ole girl wasn’t really 13, but rather she just looked like a young as shit. I mean, you could believe a lot of stuff. But one thing we KNOW for SURE is that R. KELLY IS ON THAT TAPE and he’s most certainly getting his full “Gary Coleman can’t do this” man on.

Anyway, the big news now is that another chick has allegedly agreed to testify against aRa and identify Kelly as the man in the tape, confirm that the chick in the tape actually is who prosecutors think she is (a young ass 13 year old chick with LOTS of experience with the mic) AND, now get this, to confirm that she, also a teenager at the time, the young girl in that tape and “the R” had a THREESOME together around the same time the tape was originally shot.

WOW. I’m not sure if the prosecutors will be able to prove beyond reasonable doubt that R. was the fucker in that tape, but that can’t be good news for Mr. Kelly. He best start composing another gospel album, rocking that Heaven I Need a Hug Prison Remix entitled “Warden, Save Me From Thugz” or something to pull himself out of this one. You know what’s hilarious about all this? The ENTIRE time he was banging out all these chicks and wilin out, R. had a full on wife and kids. Yo, one thing that we know for sure is that R. is a wiiiiiiiild cat. I mean, remember when that fool showed up on TV with his pastor for that ridiculous interview where he suggested that the man in the video might be his brother?!! Just a really wild cat man. I’ll be watching this one very closely. More later.

– Lake

Top Chef: I Like What They’re Cookin…

March 3, 2008

Look, I know talking about Top Chef is a big departure for us here at UvT. No one knows that better than me, just bear with me here. So they just got a new host…I know what you’re thinking, boring…right?  Well check out the new host, Padma Lakshmi.

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Uhhhh, on the right…not fake Kojak.  Sure, I know what you are thinking, just another hollywood model that strutted out there as eye candy.  Probably doesn’t know how to cook, and on a cooking show, she’s probably not really that not anyway.  Let’s take a closer look.

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Well damn.  As The Rock would say, I can smell what Padma is cookin’.  It looks like she specializes in melons, cakes and hams.  I thought chefs ended up tasting all the food and looking like this.  Let’s see what else Padma’s working with.

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I mean my word.  Lake is going to go nuts when he sees this chick.  In fact, he’s really gonna go nuts when he finds out she has a bunch of NSFW, nude…errrrrrr…artistic photos.  If you are at your job bright and early this Monday morning, do not click here.  If not, hell, click away.

I’ll tell you this, I’ve got a whole new respect for Salman Rushdie.  I thought her was just another interpretational author, but his pimp game must be tight, because he bagged Padma as the wife piece.  I mean look at this guy:

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I mean, he must have some old Bishop Magic Don Juan type game to have pulled her down.

I know there are a lot of Food Network fans out there.  Of course there are some Giada DeLaurentis guys. There are also some pre-swole Rachel Ray guys.

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That is some phantom thickness right there. It can’t be all right.

-Brock

Classic Material: 2Pac

February 28, 2008

Hey I don’t know how long this is going to be on YouTube, but this joint was crazy back in the day.  “How Do You Want It?” already featured K-Ci and Jo Jo of Jodeci, but Pac also made two videos.  One was racy, but clean.  The other let you know that the entire video was cast with porn stars.  Uhhhh, this joint has to be a youtube use violation, but get it while it’s hot.  This is Not Safe For Work.  You heaarrrrrd me?

Heather Hunter was pretty hot too.  (By the way, you want to know how to tell if you are a porn star?  If you google yourself with safe search on, and you get less than a third of the results that you get when you search with safe search off…you’re probably a porn star)

I wanted to throw up that “No More Pain” also, it features Lake’s favorite line to drop in the club.  “Hands on yo hips, no time for bullshit, freaky bitch come give me kiss”.  Beyond that the flow is actually pretty sick too, he rides that beat on this joint with technique that is waaaaay ahead of his time.

-Brock

Flavor of Love 3 is here! Predictions Anyone?

January 28, 2008

Ready or not, the Flavor of Love 3 premier is coming to VH1 on February 11, 2008:

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I know a lot of you hate this show, but I enjoy it. As such, I’m going to give you my completely superficial rundown of the Flavor of Love 3 girls based solely on their glamor shots and whatever other pics I could dig up.

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There are a bunch of chicks, so I’ll break them up and do a few each day. So let’s just start right now and find out who’s really there “for Flav” and who is “just there for tv”.

Chicken 1. “Shy” or as i like to call her “Fake New York”

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Well, VH1 has done the impossible. They’ve found someone who actually makes New York look good. Jeez. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing that this is what New York looks like before they spray on her face. I’d like to say baby just caught a bad angle, but we checked the other angles too.

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They’re all bad, but that is the classic NY mouth after she’s smoked a pack of heaters and downed 2 or 6 Smirnoff Twists.

Prediction: Her name is “Shy” but with a face like that she’s got to be used to being told that she’s ugly; a fact I’m quite sure she’s conveniently characterized as jealousy and hate. There appears to be a slight J game and something more than a negativity ass, so somewhere, somebody has been trying to hit. That means Flav would be willing to hit as well. Undoubtedly, this has contributed to her false confidence and belief that she’s actually going to be one of the “pretty girls” vying for Flav’s heart just like her look alike Tiffany Pollard did. Alas, it will not be so. After a late night romp in the hotub replete with a Flavor Mic Check, she’ll start taking plenty from the other girls for being a “broke ass New York” which quite possibly will result in her horrible weave getting pulled loose in a scuffle with another ragga-muffin. Then baby girl will be eliminated for fighting once Flav hooks up the old “I can’t have no drama in my house Shy, I love you baby, but you’re time is up girl” and off she’ll go direct-it-tally to The Valley to shoot part two of that fake Tiffany Pollard/White Boy (from I Love NY) Sex Tape (NSFW FOUND HERE) we posted a few weeks back. Book it.

Chicken 2. “Peechee” – The big girl who has no chance and knows it
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Now we all know this babe. It’s the same story, new skin color. To understand her role you need only look to that equally horrible chick “Like Dat”.

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Prediction: She’ll survive the first elimination just on GP because Flav will love “how real she keeps it” but we’ll all know the ax awaits. I’m sure she’ll be full of personality, very funny and genuinely nice. That’s why she’s horrible for the show and why I will personally hate her. That’s also why I won’t spend another inch of cyber space on her insignificant ass. Next.

Chicken 3. “Shor-tee” – the babe who probably should be with Flav for real

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Look, I can tell by the way this chick is holding here body that she’s got something up behind that wild animal print. Clearly she’s packing thunder. Now I’ll take that to offset her somewhat attractive, though odd, alien dome piece. Add to it the tats up on the chest piece and you basically have the chick Flavor Flav probably should be able to pull in real life, but not too high level such that she really wouldn’t even f*ck with him (see Hoopz). That’s this chick. Then I saw this pic which I’m told is affiliated with a myspace page:

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See, if that’s your intro pic to your myspace page, that means you have some more provocative joints you’re sitting on for the future, which means you’re probably a stripper or full-time freak. Either way, it fits nicely within my assumptions based solely on her appearance.

Prediction: Babe goes relatively far based on her unconfirmed but probable tailpiece (can see it from the front) and fair complexion (sorry, we’re talking Flav now). Stripper attitude and report with Flav makes her somewhat of a house threat/target.

That’s it for now. Tomorrow I’ll post up another three or so chicks and then we’ll have them all. The show airs on February 11, 2008. Should be decent.

– Lake

Internet Sensation: 2 Girls 1 Cup

November 10, 2007

I guess I’m a little late to this twisted party, but this…uhhhhh…shit, is craaaaazy. So here’s the deal. You absolutely should not go to the website http://www.2girls1cup.com, found here. Seriously, don’t go. DEFINITELY DO NOT GO AT WORK, don’t go on your momma’s computer. Don’t go if your girlfriend is sitting next to you on the couch. Don’t go if you love Jesus. Don’t go if you are eating. Don’t go if you are planning on eating any time in the next few hours. Don’t go if you have a photographic memory. Are we clear? OK, if you gotta go, I’ll let you know when to go. At least you will know what you are getting into.

Yeah, you wish this was the real 2 girls 1 cup.

So 2 girls 1 cup is literally the most disgusting thing on the internet. I mean the description is disgusting. In fact, I won’t even describe it. Just watch this: a video of someone watching it for the first time.

Now see, you know it is terrible right? In fact, there is an entire underground section of youtube devoted to cats watching this for the first time. Need to know more? Try this:

Can you figure out what’s going on? Fine, this dude does a running commentary:

A little disturbing that this dude smiles and laughs through the whole thing when everyone else could barely watch it. Nice hair buddy.

Fine so now you have an idea of what goes on in the video. If you want to go see it, feel free to go to the site or click the link above. You definitely don’t need to see it for this last piece to be funny, but here is a parody called 2 guys 1 cup by singer, John Mayer, and Sherrod Small from Best Week Ever. This gives you a good idea of the real video and is hilarious.

I guess that settles the controversy of what is in Pinkberry. If Pinkberry is 2 girls 1 cup flavored, I’d rather eat the Soylent Green.

This is a party I don’t mind being late to.

-Brock

P.S. You didn’t go watch it did you? If so, are your eyes done burning yet?