Posts Tagged ‘boobs’

J Game Done Changed: Fake or Real?

September 15, 2008

It’s the classic Us vs. Them topic.  The breast, that wonderful gift from the lawd that can provide joy, amusement or even a nutritious snack, depending on your point of view.  Anyway, we’ve officially come out against Fake Js many times.  Of course, like Sarah Palin’s bridge, we were for them before we were against them.

They’re bad for women because they’re unsafe.  They’re bad for dudes because they feel like shit, are often more nasty than sexy and somehow, even the hype ones, cheapen the chick

…and we can’t have that.  So we here at UvT headquarters want to separate the real from the fake, the high from the lo.

So we ask you.  Is she dead nice or fuckin with knifes?  Are they bad ass tits or better meant for the skrip? Did she get it from her mama or should we treat them like Osama?  You decide America (incidentally, aren’t you sick of people on those bullshit reality tv shows addressing “America” when it’s time for a vote?  Hey half talents, “America” can’t be addressed.  America isn’t a person, it’s a place.  Stop appealing to “America” with your bullshit, thx).  Yall let me know, were they made for Lake or stuck on with puddy and tape?

Our first contestant is Tanned up Fake JLo aka Dania Ramirez from Heroes.

Damn.  I’ll tell you this.  While it may be her natural skin color, I do believe this chick has the best tan I’ve ever seen in my entire life.  I mean, she’s just sun kissed and so are those tittay!  What say you?  Real Deal Holyfield or Fake for the Cake, burn them at the stake?  I know, I know, you need angle 2, don’t we all?

Whoooo wee.  That aerial view is a beast.  Let me tell you.  They may very well be fake, but this chick has MASTERED the art of accentuating the angle.  I mean, her internal side boob game was TIGHT on picture one.  Then she showed versatility when she put them J’s on dubbs!  I guess stuntin really is a habit.  I mean, them bamas are sittin on HIGH, waiting to be seen.  And I gotta say, from the neck to the collar bone, down to the heat, I’m a believer.  She’s really showing me something, fake titities or not!  Wide angle please.

Now, uhhhh, that’s an interesting outfit.  Hmmm, honey touched skin, office pants, red cummerbund strapped up with the full on J’s out.  I mean, really mixing that working woman with that working woman!!!! If you know what I mean. Anyway, it’s a close call.  At least for me.  I try not to think about it too much when we’re under triple D’s.  So we gotta put it to the people.  Fake or Real?

– Lake

==============Update==============

I went on a hunt to see if Dania Ramirez reached that fineness quoitent that apparently requires thickness for membership.  And quite frankly, it was hard.  I mean, it’s a chicken or egg situation.  Is it her gear that prevents thickness explooration or are those garments basically the proverbial haystack for that neddle that really just aint there.  Who knows, all I know is that I went with the “Lil Jon” approach to reporting and this is what I got.

“Bend ova to the flo’ touch your toes”

“garble-garble, garble garble, it’s low”

“Awwww, somethin, somethin, somethin, you scared, you scared”

“Now, back back back it up, YEAH, back back back it up”

“now stop, OH, and wiggie with it, AHNT, stop OH and wiggie wit it”

Now see, that’s some bullshit.  But that’s all you really get with this chick.  Let me just show everybody what we should be looking at to keep everything clean and above board.

Dammit, was I the only one who heard “BIA BIAAAAAAAA, why you actin’ like a, like a” when you saw that?  No?  Aww, F yall.  You best come on in and get with these here musical analogies.  Anyway, this is all she’s offering.

Only song I can think of is, what, the Sounds of Silence – Simon and Garfunkel, don’t hate.

Anyway, the Verdict Is In.

Resoundingly FAKE.

Very fake.  Thanks for playing, though.

Keeping it Simple: UvT Loves Lohan’s….Eyes

September 9, 2008

After that heart breaking post about those God awful VMAs, it touches my heart to show you all something I do like.  Lindsay Lohan.

The all natural woman is unbeatable.  And the best thing about the natural woman, you can dress her up in a bunch of different outfits and it’s like Christmas morning errytime.

Lindsay is great.

– Lake

—————–UPDATE——————-

The interns have been working all morning to bring the “hard evidence” the people demand on Lindsay.  Lindsay has tried a lot of things, posing nude, allegedly appearing in a sex tape, rehab, and now she’s one of them girls who likes them girls.

Here’s my question.  When you cross it over, why do you go for the chick who looks like a dude?  I never understand that.  You know my position on vegetarians eating soy hot dogs, this seems like the same thing.  And by the same thing I mean it ain’t right.  Look, I’m all for it, in fact the Lindsay Lohan lesbian sex tape might be an all time best seller.  I thing her lady is down for it.  She even checks her out like a dude.

First she checks the thickness…

Then she peeps the J game…

At least Samantha Ronson appreciates the same things we appreciate and isn’t talking about Lindsay’s “inner spirit” and “willingness to share herself”.  I don’t need that.

You know what?  I’m glad.  I don’t care what Lindsay’s motivation is, as long as she never goes back to looking like this:

That wasn’t good for anyone.  Oh, and as far as that hard evidence is concerned, Lake doesn’t have the sex tape (yet).  But here is the best we can do.

I have to be honest though.  That is not going to stop Lake.  In fact, I think we just made him worse.  Now instead of just thinking he can pull Lindsay, he now thinks the threesome is a full on possibility.

The Ladies of Summer

July 22, 2008

I’m not feeling very creative, funny or inspired, so I figured I’d hook up a post for the fellas and by fellas I mean for MYSELF. Anyway, our first lady of summer is Jessica Simpson. You how people say someone walks like they’re “butt driven” or “hips driven”? Well, until now I’ve never seen someone who looks “Tits Driven” (incidentally, when you’re talking about an old school chick like Jess, you definitely say “Tits”, ya know. You keep it old school, “I Love the 80s” real… it’s only right):

Lol. That’s a pretty crazy forward lean, right? It seriously looks like the Js are pulling her (and me) forward. Who knows. Apparently she got boo’d at some country concert.

Jeez, her without those boobs out is like me without my money. It just aint right on any level.

Who would have thought, oh 5 years ago, that her sister would be married to a legitimate rock star and on her way to having a baby while Jess and those great breasts would be single, taken for all her damn loot cakes by her no talent ex and getting boo’d at concerts? Tough. She does look good in that dress though, I’ll give her that. Speaking of a chick that looks good who I’m not usually all that excited about, check out Anna Kournikova at fashion week.

“Hello, hello, Dey know, dey know!”

Oh and I remember Will from “The” Ohio State talking about Rosario Dawson’s breasts back in the day. I’m sure you all already peeped it, but oh well, here we go:

Best cat in the entire pic, that little kid who can’t believe Rosario is working that hose so right. Damn, I didn’t know babygirl was packing like that. But what happened to the rest of her? I guess we’re all getting older. NEXT.

Oh, it’s our favorite Governator Ashley Dupre in a Bikini.

Boy that midsection is slick, but with that mini bottom she can’t be packing too much in the back. Anyway, I’m feeling the wild accessories and tat, so I’m going to give her a thumbs up for this pic. I’m also somehow comforted to know that I’m only looking at a 3 diamond level ho on the 7 diamond must scale. I mean, it’s good to know that in this economy, at least something is holding value out here.

And what would a summer post be without UvT fav Christina Millian?

Huh? I like the enthusiasm but something aint right here. Maybe I need a new t shirt printed up with the phrase “No Reduced Ass Ness” etched on the front. Come on now, I can only hope that angle two is better.

Better, yes, but only slightly. I may require a sex tape to clear this one up. Yikes. I hope she doesn’t have Amy Winehouse disease. Babygirl aint looking right at all. I don’t want to have to downgrade her, but this is NOT what I wanted to see for my Summer bunnies post. Terrible.

– Lake

Wonder Twins Activate!

July 18, 2008

Pretty crazy super hero get up this chick is rocking. I mean look at her….pants.

Ok, now I’m just getting downright ridiculous, but I’m two Mountain Dews in (should have never had the first one even) and it’s Friday, so fuck it. I’m not sure who this chick is, but I know she was on the UK Big Brother or something. Anyway, she’s somebody and a living exemplar of the scourge that is fake Js. I bet she’s classy.

Damn, couldn’t her partner in spit have at least been attractive? The crazy thing about the hizzoe on the left is that I can’t tell if she’s had too much fish and chips or not enough.

Why am I guessing this is not the first time she’s had multiple cats attached to he back piece? Wait, why am I posting this? I don’t do non-Soccer Euro news. Out.

– Lake

Top Ten Hollywood Breasts List…YES!

July 3, 2008

Hey, I didn’t come up with this list but I’m happy to discuss it. You know, as I look down at this InTouch Weekly “Best Hollywood Tits” list, I’m actually kind of embarrassed that I know all these broads. Ahh, who am I kidding, let’s get going on this here list. Now remember, this is the list according to InTouch Weekly.. Not us. But we have plenty to say.

1. Jessica Simpson

Yep, the top titty goes to Jessica Simpson. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but I can live with it.

After all, even her pops said that her ridiculous J’s were top notch.

Now you know you’ve got some serious tittay when pops is peeping them on the slide.

2. Tyra Banks

Say what? Now I know Tyra’s got giant J’s, but does she really belong inside the top three of ALL the breast tah sis in Hollywood?

Sure, her fundamentals are sound and she used to have the rest of the body to go with it. But this is a current J list, not a historical retrospective. The classic Janet song “What Have You Done For Me Lately” seems to come to mind. Answer?

Not enough. Not even close.

3. Scarlett Johansson

Ummmm, HELL YES!!! I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I think this chick is underrated across the board. Maybe it’s the lack of a nude photo shoot and sex tape. Hopefully someone can remedy that. But on the boobs front, she’s LOVELY.

Gotta run that one more gin.

4. Carmen Electra

Huh? Is she even in show business anymore? Why not Pamela Anderson? Hell, Loni Anderson.

And maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that the boobs are actually real if you’re going to call them the 4th best set in all of Hollywood? At least pic a chick with a debate, like Kimmy K…. With Carmen, she’ll tell you her joints are fake. Nah, I can’t support that.

5. Lindsay Lohan

Again, anyone who knows this blog understands my affection for Lindsay Lohan.

She’s one of my favorite celebs and yes, those ridiculous J’s have something to do with it.

On the J front, Lindsay has it all and we’ve seen it all.

You can’t hate, not on this discussion. Definitely underrated and waaaaay under appreciated. Her breasts I mean…lol.

6. Katherine Heigl

I recognize that this near no talent chick would be nothing without the superior boobs, but I just don’t like this broad.

That’s right, I don’t like her, can’t stand that character “Izzy” or whatever it is on Grey’s Anatomy and just can’t get past all the bullshit, yes, even for a pair of advanced J’s like those.

She doesn’t even make my list. Terrible. Though she does look reaaaaaally good in this next pic.

Mercy!

7. Audrina Patridge

Whaaat? You don’t mean to tell me we all feel for that completely transparent “I did some nudes back in the day and now they will be released the day before my show so please make me a star” treatment?

You bet we did. And please note how much she has truly stepped up that belly game. Wow. This babe is everywhere right now. If she had a shred of talent she’d really have something too. Though, I must say, having the nude pictures of her to refer back to whenever I see her looking right in a magazine or online is a nice luxury.

8. Jennifer Aniston

Come on now. Jennifer aint been hot since Ross was hittin’. Again, just too old, too romantic comedy. It’s just not right. Sure she’s got some J’s (NSFW), she wouldn’t be in the business if she didn’t.

But come on. She does not have some of the best tits in all of Hollywood. But these NSFW of Aniston are worth a peep. Half the time she doesn’t even have the best tits in her own relationship. She’s literally not in the same conversation with these other babes. Horrible.

9. Megan Fox

Ah, I don’t buy it. This seems very political. I do like that she stands for the fact that a chick doesn’t have to have monster boobs for them to be sexy, but this chick is not a top flight titty talent.

I mean, come on. She doesn’t have the chops and never will until she orders that full upgrade. Right? She’s got average J’s just for a regular girl, but in Hollywood, she’s squarely below average. Hell, most of the regular women walk around with better ones than that. Not even close.

10. Beyonce

Huh? Did I miss something? I don’t know, maybe B’s tittays wrote the lyrics to “Upgrade”…wait no, that was Jay Z. Curses. I hate to do this because I like Beyonce a lot. But she has no damn business on this list.

I think she’s beautiful, but if you forced me to diss her, right after I spoke on that assortment of unacceptable weaves, I’d go right to the breasts. I mean, she’s keeping it real and natural as she should and she looks damn good chest and all.

So there you have it. Are you satisfied? I’m not. I mean, where was Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry, JESSICA BIEL, hell, Mel B., Gisele….I mean, the list goes on and on. Sorry, I can’t endorse this list period. Let me give you my list.

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Scarlett Johansson

3. Jessica Simpson

4. Kim Kardashian

5. Salma Hayek

6. Jessica Biel

7. Katherine Heigl (what can I say, that pic is still in my head)

8. Halle Berry

9. Mel B.

10. Audrina Patridge (hey, she’s already been mentioned, what could I do?)

Honorable mention: Serena Williams (don’t sleep)

Then I have to add a section for best fake boobs in the business. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Tila Tequila, Pam Anderson and Heidi Montage.

Damn, after all that, even I’ve grown tired of tittays. I must be getting really old.

– Lake

Reason #22 Why Fake Boobs Suck: XTina

June 3, 2008

Dead up, I hate the fake J game. I actually find it fairly insulting. The ONLY time a fake J upgrade is really appreciated is when a babe is rocking a sweater and even then they’re running around calling the real top shelf keeper of the superior J’s in question.

(And yes I did slap a Triple B inspired asterisk on this chick based on the comments section.  It really is just like steroids.  It’s cheating and I won’t stand for it!)

See what I mean? Just nasty.  I think baby girl needs an adjustment like a dude with a bad rug. Them tittays don’t match anymore. And this chick has a damn child. I know he’s even more pissed than me. Ok, ok, I’d be lying if I said they NEVER look good:

Dayum.. silky smooth and powerful like a Kobe Bean three ball. But see hers are all set up by the great midsection and nearly non-existent suit. I’m not sure about the rest of the fellas, but I break for the hip bone on the silky smooth stomach piece. I don’t know, maybe it’s just trashy babes who have always been trash are just going to be super trashy with the enhanced cans. I mean, it’s not like Aguilera was ever a high end babe.

She’s been going with the “look at me, my legs are open and I’m a slizzut” from the beginning. It’s pretty sad actually because she can really sing well. Oh well. If there is one thing I’ve learned over my years of running babes it’s that hoe-dom knows no profession, skill set or socio-economic class. I think it’s innate.

Classy…

Ass B (like, “Yo I’m Cuban B”)? Ladies, if you’ve literally got nothing going for you and you just need a boost, enhance away. Just know that you add a minimum of 4 points to you skank score and yes, it’s a 10 point scale. If you’re a pretty girl, have a decent or even passable chest piece or bring that mini/medium/make me wonder level thunder, just smooth it out. You don’t need it.

I know, I know…I feel the same way about your plastics canz baby…it’s mutual.

– Lake

Asymmetrically Thick Chick: Angel Lola Luv

December 10, 2007

Just when you thought you understood all the asses out there, another one pops right up in your face. We almost forgot the Asymmetrically Thick Chick!

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That tail is so stacked that it just started to give up on itself at the bottom. Dude, I want to say that her ass is like Medusa, meaning that you look at it and you’re just stone faced and can’t look away and of course that’s true, but it’s more than that. This joint reminds me of the tractor beam from Star Trek days. You look at it, it scares you, but A. You’re intrigued as to what’s to come and B. You just can’t help but be drawn into it. It’s like Pookie said in New Jack City, “it just be calling me, man, I got to go to it.” I mean, look at this chick at a standard party.

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Ok, all this pic does is set up the outfit, oh and do you see ole girl right there in the purple? I mean, what are those jeans made of, elastic? Just look at the manipulation of that denim. It’s insane. Look at the belt just holding on for dear life….hating itself and loving the experience all at once. I’ll tell you one thing, that belt aint gonna last for long. Who is that chick, a fellow video uhhh “vixen”?

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Ole boy in the white shirt has the right idea. I know exactly what he’s thinking. “I can’t stop looking at this chick in the pretty pank’s ass, but at the same time, I can’t just stare at it all night long.. So I’ll just make sure I know where she is all night long so I can get about 46 to 53 views before the night is done.” I’m with you brother. That’s a good strategy.

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I think Lil Jon said it best, “WHAT?” Yeah, this chick redefines the concept of a “low rider.”

She certainly wasn’t mentioned in Brock’s Assology piece, but now we see that even a cat with a Ph.D in the posterior needs to become a lifelong learner. Well, I’m not being fair, we really didn’t forget her. The Asymmetric Ones are just always poorly represented by used-to-be physical freaks of nature, turned semi big girl. A perfect example of that, of course, is Flavor of Love 2 star Deelishis.

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Yeah, I thumbnailed her because I aint letting her ruin my beautiful post with her “bootyful azz.” (NSFW joint here) And no, by calling her “bootyful” I am NOT giving her a compliment. At any rate, at one point, I’m sure Deelishis was a 19 year old phenom with an unbeatable frame. Truth be told, chicks with bodies like this just can’t afford to carry any extra weight and still look like a homo sapien. They’re already something out of freaky science fiction movie, but when you add extra meat to a chick who is already 36-22-40 (!) you’re just moving into a realm only seedy porn directors have ever fathomed.

Now I say this, but let’s face it, if you have the Asymmetrical ass on the Asymmetrical body, and studies have shown this, you are 30 times more likely to have a kid before the age of 23. That means you’re guaranteed to gain weight. Now, as you gain that weight, there will still be thousands of dudes who will continue to holler at you just for a chance to ride that thing and a few hundred who like you ever more because of the weight gain. Oh they’re out there alright. That’s the kind of dude who looks at this chick, turns to his boy and says, “did you see that ass?” Terrible. Back to nature’s goodness, airbrush style.

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Bang. I’m not sure how you airbrush the jeans, but these cats did. Let’s go anti-airbrush to understand that this chick is the truth.

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I’m not much of a visible ass crack outfit guy, but please note that this babe has a beautiful face, breasts, hair, mind, inner chi and soul… Damn. Let’s get the cell phone cam angle.

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Yikes, intern, hit me with an interpretational, artistic, but I’m still a freak booty ho…angle.

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Un-be-lievable.

At any rate, we’re lucky to have an Asymmetrically thick chick in her prime and her name is Angel Lola Luv. Looking at these pictures brings me back to that look on Nino Brown’s face in New Jack City when he first saw Uniqua. LOL

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What do yall think? Fake Js or not. I know, I know, they gotta be fake, but you’d think that arse was fake too. I own know. They are sittin on high, but not in a grotesquely unreal kind of way.

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I love the airbrush.. Dude, I could errr will post pics of this babe all day.

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Last one.

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I’d be willing to bet she’s got brains but that body is stupid. Later.

– Lake

Deelishis looking svelte: Airbrush or Trimspa?

December 9, 2007

Previously super thick chick Deelishis from Flavor of Love 2 fame is featured on Smooth Girl Magazine.

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I love the Smooth line of magazines. They don’t bother with articles or hackneyed err witty lists of “Best places to get laid” like Maxim and FHM. No, they just go straight for the jugular, providing an array of glossy angles of various asses, breat-tah-sis and weaves in front of rims, rappers and an occasional LA beach scene. You have to respect it.

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Those thighs are awfully slim. Not at all like what we’re used to. S0 I’ve got to ask you one simple question. Do you think Deelishis really tightened it up or did their intern just complete a 2 day course in photoshop over at the DeVry “University”?  I know, I know, if the tail is real so too could the slimmed down body.  Hey, why not just say the hair is real too, possible, right?  Uh, no actually.

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Come on now, this babe is looking like a Roger Rabbit extra in this shot.  It’s definitely the brush.

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– Lake

Is Paris Hilton still hot?

November 15, 2007

Or better put, was she ever? I’m not a big Paris guy and never really have been. I can’t lie, I’m turned on by her money, but there’s really nothing else aside from the dough that I couldn’t pick up in just about any local club, Walmart or trailer park.

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Hell or maybe one that looks a little bit better, like ole girl above.  Shoot, I can’t lie, I kinda like the fit and feel of Fake Paris in this canary number.  Let’s not fool ourselves though, shit can definitely get worse when civilians try to do what Paris does:

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Whatever the case, the babe is just uninspiring and just imagine how irrelevant she’ll be when she’s, say, 30. Anyway, her process of irrelevancy might be accelerating with these recent pics of her improperly working this stripper pole.

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Boring. This too.

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Trash. Come on now, bend ova to the front, touch ya toes, girl! There’s nothing worse in the world than a bad freak or underachieving hoe.

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Get your game tight babe. I’m just done. This chick needs to have a baby, get married and divorced, go into rehab or go back to jail because whatever she’s giving me now just isn’t very interesting. Now I can’t lie. Her antics in that sex tape, that was interesting (NSFW).

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I mean, did yall see how that cat Rick Solomon was just putting it on her? I mean, really telling her what to do, what he wanted, what she was gonna do… Really letting her have it and getting his silver polished the whole way. Now see, because of my respect for women, normally I wouldn’t ever post something like this. But we all know Paris put that tape out on purpose, so let’s just keep the party going.

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Damn Rick, you didn’t have to get so gangster with it homey….Either Rick is a pimp, after all he bagged Pam Anderson too, or Paris is a silly chick with a famous name, tons of jack and a few prescription pills to keep everyone honest.. Either way, I’m ready for the next phase or at least the next sex tape. Hop to it.

– Lake

The Lord is my shepherd, he know what I want: Meagan Good

November 14, 2007

Hey, I was just bumping around the internet, doing what is it I do and I saw this.

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Lord Jesus almighty. Hey, Arsenio said it best in Coming to America:

Only gawd, can make it-tah. Larry Flint-tah, Hugh Hef-nah, they can take the picture, but they can’t make it-tah, only gawd above the HUGH HEFNER ON HIGH (!!!) can make it-tah.

That’s how I feel about this babe. I mean, seriously. The Jets suck, but how can Thomas Jones be expected to give one damn sh*t about that when he’s making millions and banging out this chick at his leisure. Her J game is ridiculous. And I must ask, is there anymore room for me in those jeans?

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And don’t think I missed that tiny bit of skin on the left.. Killing it. The lips, that purty hair, the boots, all of it. Such genius in her simplicity. Goodness! I feel like R. Kelly at a 3LW concert.

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Hot dammit. Out.

– Lake