Shaq’s wife livin la vida loca on the DL?

(Shaq says “peace out” to Shaunie for allegedly “getting her empanada on” with an unnamed Latin lover)

Yo, when I saw the story that Shaq and his wife, Shaunie, were splitting I thought to myself what everybody usually thinks when a couple break up. “Too bad, I hope they’re both able to be happy eventually“.. Or “Hey, they say marriage is a 50/50 prospect” and I guess you just kind of accept that it’s even harder when a cat is rich and famous like Shaq because let’s face it, on the open dating market, he’s got every option in the world.

Anyway, I thought the same about Shaq and Shaunie, hence, no post on here because it wasn’t really big news. That was until I heard that:

1. Shaunie is selling Shaq’s stuff on Ebay and hiding the proceeds;

2. Shaq had an airtight Prenuptial Agreement (at least he knew it could be shaky); and

3. Shaunie supposedly has had a one year affair with her Cuban personal trainer (¿QUÉ?) and allegedly has been taking Shaq’s money and giving it to this cat which included her purchase of a HOUSE that Shaq Diesel did not know about!!!! WOW

(isn’t it funny how a previously innocent picture with a smile suddenly looks shady? Check out that “twankle” in her eye. Guys, if your lady has that twankle, leave her immediately, lest she make a run for the boarder on yo’ azz…shady man)

Shaq said that Shaunie was “secretive about her assets”… sheeeyut, you aint lied. This man Shaq had endorsement deals, title runs, all kinds of appearances and such, meanwhile, Shaunie was getting “worked out” probably just about everyday. Meanwhile, the chick has like 6 kids, 5 by a real life Chewbacca:

But yet, her body is looking like she’s ready to go and try to be the Next Pussycat Doll or something.

(she does look niiice.. Boy, you know ole Cubano was really getting after that)

She looks too fresh, too revived.. I mean what could those “workout sessions” have entailed? I don’t even want to think about it. All I know is that this Cuban cat best watch his back. It aint like he’s messing with Mr. Parker’s wife from Friday or something. I mean, this cat is nooooooooo joke. He could come at you on some, “I’ve got all the money in the world, m people will handle it and nobody will ever find you” or he could really get on some wild ShaqFu inspired gangsta sh*t and literally whoop that dude’s ass beyond recognition.

I don’t know. I always just figured cats know not to mess with certain people’s wives and Shaq squarely falls within that category right behind Mike Tyson, Allen Iverson, and Chris Benoit (ooh, I feel bad for that one). I mean, this dude is 7, 2 ish, 350 ish and ATHLETIC, which basically means, he aint to be played wit unless you’ve got similar physical stats:

(Like this dude)

But I guess this sort of thing isn’t too unprecedented, after all, this sort of thing was the basis for R. Kelly’s smash hit “Down Low” and as crazy as “Kelly” is, you know that was autobiographical.

whooooo wee.. that’s a good throwback if you’re a true Kelly fan like me. Mr. Bigs wasn’t f*cking around either. Watching that joint makes me think of the Shaq v. Rico Suave version:

(Warning, this is NOT funny unless you played the video and can follow the cadence of these lyrics)

The original is “Down Low” and the Spanglish version is called “Bajo”:

Bajo Bajo

Ooooooooooh-whoooo-oooooooh

Bajo Bajo

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

Bajo, Bajo

Whooooooaaa-ohhhhhh

Bajo Bajo

Ju stretch out me

Die stretch out ju

Wha’ we gone do ’bout dis freaky ‘shady’ love e-ffair

If Mr. Shaq come home and catch us Hey-Zeus Cristo

He might kill me, I aint legal, immigration isn’t fair

Somethin about all dis money and me casa Shaunie got me

How he no see, I like the shape that she in too

Stoopid gringo he no no ‘bout Cuban sandwich or me hip shake

Valid fear, 350 plus y 7, 2 (seven twoooooooo)

– Senor Lake