Man Up Monday (Tuesday Edition): The Republican Party

My man Lake is the political one, so I’m sure he’s going to be working over Governor Palin any moment now.  So the Dems just came off of a successful convention, Hillary finally gave a speech where she she actually acknowledged that she is not longer going to be President of the United States, Bill Clinton did his thing, and Joe Biden was put through his paces.

It went well, and this week was supposed to show the Republican party right after so the American people can really see the differences between the parties.  Wellllllll.  Things aren’t exactly going as planned.  First, McCain cut the analysis of Barack Obama’s speech short by announcing his VP Candidate.  Now I had been working on my Mormon jokes all week and I know CNN had their debate clip package spliced up just right, but the ol maverick hit everyone with a curveball.

Sarah Palin?  Really?  Who is she?  No really, who is she?  Because of this wild choice, the word of the week in now “vetting”.  First, the Republicans asked George Bush what it meant, and he said “Vettin?  Ain’t that where you poke on them animals, and fix em up?”

Good one chief.  You’re an idiot.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

Anyway, the Republicans must think vetting is derived from the military policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell” because they apparently didn’t run this decision by any damn body.  OK?  I mean I vet my appitezer and dinner order with the table harder than they worked this decision around the circuit.  I mean damn, can it get worse?

Yes, Yes it can.

Not that underage sex and teen pregnancy.  Nice.  Those are family values at work.

Then they get to deal with this during their party convention.

Talk about raiiiieeeeaaaaiin on your wedding day.  Isn’t it ironic?  Don’t ya think?

That just sucks right there.  Especially since Bush and Brownie realllllly got that one wrong last time.

Even George Bush, sole possessor of the title of worst approval ratings ever can’t take it.

So Republicans.  You’re starting to look desperate.  Sarah Palin is not Hillary Clinton, ok?  Repeating things over and over does not make them true or any more convincing.  Also, until you solve the circular argument of: Barack Obama is not experienced enough to be President; Sarah Palin has the same qualifications as Barack Obama; Sarah Palin is ready to be Commander in Chief, I don’t want to hear anything else from you.

I’m sure you have something in the ol Republican handbook that still holds water.  Roll that puppy out and ride it into Friday.  Just believe in yourself.  Man Up!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Tyson Gay

The Olympics are more than halfway over.  USA is still up in the medal count(although the Chinese would probably like to point out the fact they have more Gold medals – ignoring the fact that 16 of their total medals are in Badminton and Shooting).  You know America has been pushing their Olympic heroes in advertising for months now.  Michael Phelps certainly worked out, but several Olympic athletes did not.  Starting with the Hamm brothers in Gymnastics, both went down with injury at the last second.  The US Gymnastics team got the Silver in the team competition (due to the still mysteriously sexy Alicia Sacramone.  More on her tomorrow.)  But not since the Dan and Dave debacle of 1992 has an Olympic athlete flamed out like this.

Tyson Gay was America’s best hope for capturing the title of “World’s Fastest Man”.  He was even on the cover of the Olympic Games video game.  (Madden Curse, getting stronger?  Brett, watch your back!)  Let’s ignore the fact that every other meet he has to walk around with the word “gay” pinned to his unitard…not the most intimidating presence on the track I’d say, but hey what can he do?

Anyway, Tyson Gay pulled up at the Olympic trials a few months ago with a bad hammy.  Luckily he had already qualified for the 100 meter dash so he still got to go to the Olympics.

See, this is for all of the people who believe we should send our “stars” no matter what happens to them in the trials.  I say if they are supposed to win, they are supposed to win the trials too.  So Tyson shows up and makes it through the prelims, but doesn’t even get to the finals.  He didn’t even make the finals.  Daaaaamn Homey.  You used to be the Maaaaaan Homey!  I knew it too.

Look at my man’s face.  All my track people out there know his face is too tight.  I mean he looks like he is trying to get rid of Michael Phelps’ daily diet.  He’s making that face Mike Epps made in “All about the Benjamins” when he was making fun of the old dude.  Seben-fittay.  You cna’t win when you are straining it out like that.  How does one of our national heroes get beat before he even gets to the finals.  You know America, we’d rather not show up than get beat on the track.

The real problem…it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.  Usain Bolt DESTROYED the field.  Can you find Usain Bolt in this picture?

Don’t look over by the runners in the picture.  Look waaaaaay over there to the right after the finish line.  I had to go wide screen on it he won by so much.  I mean Bolt is damn near putting his warmups back on and eating his post race snack before the rest of the “greatest athletes in the world” even cross the finish line.  And he ran a 9.69.  And he started clowing and high-stepping like Deion Sanders at the 80 meter mark.  And he rocked the carzy point it out pose before the race.

These pics are so crazy.

Is this guy playing a video game?  I guess that 6’5″ really matters in this sport.  I hope the dude doesn’t go all Ben Johnson on us because this is amazing.  By the way, two quick questions.  Are genetics really so strong that there isn’t a single individual of Nordic and/or European, Eastern Bloc descent that can even get near the semi-finals of this race?  I mean there are no melanin challenged individuals in the arena when this race goes down.  Do the brothers have it on lock like this?  I don’t like to perpetuate stereotypes, (yeah, right) but damn.  Also, when did the Jamaican’s corner the market on fast?  Three Jamacians in the mens and the womens finals in the 100.  That is crazy for such a small country.  Tell the bobsled team to step their game up.

Tyson Gay…Man Up!

-Brock

———–UPDATE—————

Tyson.  Carl Lewis called.  Even he said you need to man up.  That’s.  Not.  Good.

I’m just sayin’.

Man(ny) Up Monday: The Sellers Remorse Edition

So much happened this week.  The Olympics are starting, John Edwards just got exposed for hitting on the side, but this is a very special edition of Man Up Monday…we’re going to cover sellers remorse.

First, as the baseball trade deadline approached, the Red Sox cut Manny Ramirez loose.  He was too much trouble.  He doesn’t run out flyballs in right field.  He makes calls from inside the green monster.  Apparently he didn’t have any more use for the Boston Red Sox.

Well, since the trade, Manny is hitting .600 with four knocks and 11 RBI’s.  I don’t even like baseball, but I think I want that guy around my team.

How do you feel about that performance Theo?

Do you think you should have kept him?

Easy fella, don’t cry.  You got Jason Bay.  I’m sure he’ll be a real stud.  I’m sure all the fans in Boston really appreciate it.  You better hope Manny cools off, or those fans in Beantown are going to start tracking you down in the streets.  Hey, even Manny doesn’t know why you did it.

Don’t worry, this isn’t all about you.  There is another team setting up to catch a major case of sellers remorse.  In fact it might be the biggest case in history.

Brett Favre is a Jet?  Wow, what the hell is that about?  I know the Packers were in a bad spot, but I guess a fourth round draft pick looks good when you were willing to pay $25 million just to make the dude stay away.  At least you got something for it.

Packers, you’re next.  If Brett makes the Jets winners, you will all look like assholes.  Oh, and tell Aaron Rogers to keep the chinstrap on tight.  He’s gonna be taking hits everyday of the week.  Not just on Sundays.

Never Look Back.  Man Up!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Martin Lawrence

I didn’t want to do this.  I really didn’t.  I used to love Martin Lawrence, I’ve got every episode of his show memorized.  But I can’t take it anymore.

I mean he was funny as hell back then.  Ol’ Otis the security guard, Tyrone, even Shenehneh even though I’m not really down with the cross-dressing shits.  Even after that, Martin hit us with Bad Boys, Nothing to Lose (which is quietly hilarious), Life, Blue Streak (even though Dave Chappelle killed it in his small part).  Then it was over.   Big Momma’s house seems to be the turning point.

When was the last time this dude was funny?  I just saw two horrible joints back to back.  College Road Trip and Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins.

I mean those two joints were mothafackin turrible.  I mean I was trapped on an airplane for 5 hours when they showed that damn College Road Trip and I still almost didn’t finish it.  I voluntarily watched Roscoe Jenkins, but the bad part was, everyone was funny but Martin Lawrence.  The trailer seemed funny, but it just didn’t all come together right.

Why does this always happen?  All the great comedians fall off, can’t my generation get one comedian that doesn’t go out like a complete punk?  Where’s out Richard Pryor?  Our Redd Foxx?  Our Bill Cosby?  Martin Lawrence…lost it.  Eddie Murphy…fell off.  Chris Tucker…I barely remember him being funny at all he’s so terrible now.  Dave Chappelle might be done now too, I just haven’t seen him do anything at all since he disappeared into Africa after the Chappelle’s Show debacle.  He’ll probably come back dressed like a woman too and it will be the beginning of the end of his career.  It will be his Big Momma’s Norbit, Doubtfire, Ruby Rhod moment.

So what went wrong? I’ve pinpointed it.  The leather suit.  You can’t be funny without the leather suit.  I know this sounds like barbershop logic, but hear me out.  Watch.

Funny.

Not funny.

Funny.

Not funny.

Funny.

Not funny. And from the look on his face, he knows it.

Who’s left?  Chris Rock?  Jamie Foxx?  Someone let them know to keep the closet stocked with the leather jumpsuit or their career is in serious jeopardy.  If you ask Lake, he’s already convinced that “Fur is the new Funny”.  Look, I’m down for whatever works at this point.

Martin I need to to sit down at the crib, put “You So Crazy” on repeat, break out the leather suit and get back to basics.  You were one of the best.  Now man up and get your swagger back.

Martin, Man Up!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Guys Who Put the Toilet Seat Down

This “rule” is always hilarious to me. Every dude runs into this lecture long about 3am after you are chillin’ over at a chicks house and she makes that middle of the night dash to the bathroom. She comes back and hits you with the demand that you put down the toilet seat. Sure, I’ve heard it is the rule, but who thinks about that when you are buzzin’ after the party, and can only concentrate on how good that post-cut piss feels. In fact, she should be happy that I even took the time to put the toilet seat up. I coulda just hosed the whole spot down. Fine, I’ll follow rules if it means I can cut on the regular. Then came lesson #2. “Put the toilet seat down” apparently also doesn’t mean this.

Toilet seat down, right? Nah, this ain’t it. Apparently this just means that the chick catches an assfull of icy cold porcelain in the middle of the night. So I initially thought this was just some kind of aesthetic demand, but then I figured out that these chicks just back it on in in the dark. Come on, you don’t at least check it? Is that the benefit of sitting down, that you don’t need the lights so aim so you just take the next step and feel around in the dark like the blind?

So FYI, here is what they’re looking for.

Locked, loaded and ready to go. I guess.

How about this, it is man up Monday fellas. Here’s the new rule. Do what I do. When a girl comes by the crib, demand that she leaves your toilet seat UP.

That’s what I’m talking about. Make it convenient for what I’ve got to do. I might even start trying to shoot in the dark too. Why not? It’s my mf’n house. I’ll work it out eventually. As long as I don’t catch that post-nut split stream.

Don’t act like it’s just me.

Fellas. Man Up!

-Brock

===========Update============

Dude, you aint never lied about this one.  I hate that bullshit “I’ll fallen in” nonsense.  If you fell in, it’s your own damn fault.

It’s not like men don’t have to put the seat down to hit up #2, we do and my dude, I aint fallen in yet.  I wonder why that is, oh yes, BECAUSE I’M AN ADULT WHO LOOKS DOWN BEFORE PUTTING MY ASS ANYWHERE, UmmmKay?

Yall chicks are too much.  Don’t you have enough in this world?  Engagement rings, presumptive payment of your dranks and dinners, warnings on traffic tickets, “ladies free before Eleven”….   I know, I know, “I’ve got the money to buy my own”, sure, but do you got money to buy MINE too?  Because that’s what I’m expected to have errrytime I hit the streets.  And dudes, believe me, if you don’t have the jack to pay for the whole night, just keep it low with a “it’s not delivery it’s DiGiornos” and your blockbuster pick of the week.  I mean, if you don’t got it, don’t even try.  You can’t win.

Anyway, this just aint something I’m willing to compromise on.  Seat stay up yall.  And don’t think that because the seat stays down your man or worse, the dude you’re just messing with won’t play target practice on the seat down toilet…he will.  WE ALL HAVE BEFORE.

Don’t sleep, you want that hole as large and spacious as you can possibly get it.  Talk about falling in, you’ll think you’re at that Chi Town aRa Kelly Memorial Water Park messing with Lake Jr. after a night flying with the Goose.  Book it, seats up!

– Lake, King of the Castle

Man Up Monday: Superdelegates

It’s time.

By Tuesday, when Montana and South Dakota get the job done, the people will have spoken.  It is time for our elected and former leaders to jump off the fence and lead.  Even Puerto Rico already has their vote in, and they don’t even get to vote in November.

By all accounts, Barack Obama will be within about 30 votes of the new finish line by Tuesday night.  That means that about 20 percent of the remaining superdelegates have to go Obama’s way to clinch the win.  Of course, if you listen to Hillary, that isn’t the way you are supposed to win.

HIllary is winning if you fully count Michigan and Florida, don’t give Obama any of the uncommitted votes from Michigan, don’t count the caucuses (including the all important Iowa caucus), add the people who voted for American Idol, light some votive candles, and rewind the calendar back to January when she actually had a lead for a few days.  So take that!

So here is your time superdelegates.  Man up!  Hell, I won’t even hold you to Monday, you can have until Thursday to get it done.  Thanks.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: The Morehouse Man

Or is that the Man of Morehouse?  You all know that Morehouse is the pinnacle of the Black college experience.  They are a proud, proud bunch of men.

You’ve got every kind of brother here.  Bowtie Brother.  Proud sweatshirt Brother.  Dreadlock brother.  Successful business brother…and if I wear this suit I’ll look like a successful business brother.  I think when you get there you are a Man of Morehouse, and when you leave you are a Morehouse Man.  Or maybe it is the other way around.  The funny thing is it works both ways…that shit doesn’t make sense.

Well either way there are some brothers at Morehouse who are not happy this morning.  Here is the 2008 valedictorian, Joshua Packwood.

Awwwwwww damn.  Is nothing sacred?  The white boy came in and dropped a 4.0 on Morehouse.  Morehouse man, man of Morehouse.  Nobody wanted to step up and box this dude out?  You know, make him pledge Que or something so his grades would get jacked up for a semester.

You know the proud sisters of Spelman also thought they had found the ultimate white boy who appreciated Black culture.  You know ol’ Josh had his killer crossover game tight.  Even the most bohemian, poetry slamming, natural hair wearing sister gave Josh some play.

So this is to the men of Morehouse.  You can’t let this happen again. Dude was probably an African-American studies major.  You cats need to Man Up on this one.  Make some study groups.  Let the power of Black Pride make you wake up in the morning.  You can’t just let a white boy roll up in the spot and establish himself as an authority on Black Culture.  You can’t let him legitimize himself as the best of what Black institutions have to offer.  First, you let a white boy do that, then next thing you know they are trying to take over the world.  Is nothing sacred?  Wait a minute.  I just realized…I’ve got to go have a talk with Lake…dammit!

-Brock

————UPDATE————–

How did I miss the fact that this dude’s last name is “Packwood”?  Is there anything more pimpin’ than that?  With a name like that he was definitely up on the sisters.  Is there a better white boy trying to pick up a sister name than that? 

Spelman Sister: I don’t know.  I’ve never dated a white boy before.  I don’t know what that’s like.

JP:  My last name is Packwood, baby.  Pack.  Wood.  Know what I’m sayin’?  I think I might have something you’ll like.

In fact, the interns were able to pull a pic of Playa Packwood and his girlfriend off the internets.

Josh is rocking the full on shadow and the bad girlfriend who I’ve got on good authority would fall into the “Us” category of body type.  Nice work Josh!

By the way, Lake and I were discussing why a white dude as valedictorian of Morehouse hasn’t happened before.  We realized that most white boys who bring the kind of academic heat to be valedictorian at a major academic institution probably isn’t electing to go get that “cultural experience” over at Morehouse.  They are either down the street at Georgia Tech or they took that ride to Athens to chill between the hedges at Georgia.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Hillary Clinton

HIllary.  Stop, please just stop.  Fine, you’re tough.  You are going hard.  I know, there isn’t a nominee yet, so the game isn’t over.  The problem is, you are just making yourself look crazy, desperate, and the people around you are starting to look like complete fools.  First, you were just going to steal the Super Delegates by cashing in all of Bill’s chips.  Then you want to count Michigan and Florida, one state where you were the only person on the ballot, and another state where people were told votes don’t count before the election.  First you were down with delegates, then the super delegates, then big states, then some imaginary delegate count that your people made up.  The funny thing is, whenever you make up a new standard, Barack ends up beating it. This weekend I heard you try to say how important West Virginia is in the election.  “No president has been elected since 1920 without winning West Virginia.”  Sure, that could mean that it is an important state, orrrrrrrrr, it could mean that WV goes which ever way the wind blows and doesn’t mater at all.

So HIllary, remember the last person who couldn’t drop out of the race?

Right.  Remember how stupid he looked?

The worst part is, now HIllary is just saying stupid shit.

On Friday, she said her base was “working, hard-working Americans, white Americans”.  What?  Hillary, let me tell you how the English language works.  When you speak in phrases like that, it means you are redefining the previous phrase.  So that means that “hard-working Americans” and “white Americans” are synonymous.  Which is to the exclusion of everyone else.  Which is also code for “You know Barack is Black, right”?  Even old school Clinton devotee Charlie Rangel had to say, “That is one of the dumbest things she could have said”.

HIllary, you are always talking about how tough you are.  You’ve wanted to show that you can play as hard as the guys.  You want to show you can fight and scrap with anyone from Chris Dodd to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  Well it is time for you to Man Up!

That means to step down while you’ve still got some dignity.  It is like a UFC match, Barack has you in a tight arm lock.  You don’t need to get your arm broken to prove you are tough.  There is dignity in saying you’ve been beaten by the better competitor.

Man Up…and please do it soon.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Atlanta Hawks

Well, I guess the Celtics caught the UvT warning yesterday because they beat the Hawks down like they were talking about their mama. The Celtics jumped all over the Hawks like…

I know I said that the Celtics were on the verge of the Man Up Monday of the year, and they handled their business. But now, I gotta talk about the Atlanta Hawks becuase they shouldn’t have caught that kind of beatdown in a game seven.

Marvin Williams got ejected.

MIke Bibby went out like a cat.

Look, the only time of the game it is okay for your team to be down by half of what the other team has is sometime in the first quarter. You know 8-4…maybe even 20-10. The Hawks were down 34-68 late in the third quarter. You know how you can do things at your pedestrian job that is not professional? You know, get in a fight with your wife/girlfriend on the office phone. Telling Carla from accounting how good her ass looks in them jeans? Well in the NBA, catching an asswhooping like that…is not professional.

KG, LeBron ain’t going out like that. You best believe he is going to try to crush you before he even gets to game 7.

Good Luck.

Atlanta Hawks…you finished four games below .500 and inexplicably still made the playoffs. You got the number 1 seed to game seven and folded. Atlanta hasn’t made the playoffs since 1999 and might not be back until 2019. You had your shot. You all need to…

MAN UP!

Oops, I guess you needed this a few hours ago.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Chad Johnson

Since the end of last season, Chad Johnson, Mr. Ocho Cinco, Mr. Touchdown celebration, is been saying he wants out of Cincinnati. A few weeks ago, when there had not been an movement Chad demanded a trade, saying he would not play for the Bengals anymore, trade or not. He’s got it all planned out, right? It was a few weeks ahead of the draft, he’s a future Hall of Famer, and one of the premier receivers in the league. But wait, Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis apparently doesn’t play that shit.

Marv went on and hit Chad with that “brother please”. Marvin called him out and said you want to sit out? Be a man of your word and sit out. How do you feel about that Chad?

For those of you who can’t read faces…that look above is known as the “Oh Shit”. Yeah Chad, Marvin is calling your bluff. Chad you signed a contract extension just two years ago for an additional $35.5 million that extends for another three years. That means you’ll be leaving at least $7 Million on the table this year.

To prove it, the Bengals went on ahead and drafted a gang of wide receivers to cover their ass. Hey Marvin, which way should Chad go to find the Bengals locker room?

Haaaaaaa. Marvin doesn’t give a damn. He’s like an old gangster. “Chad is dead to me”. He’s already looking toward the horizon and will let Chad rot at home if he doesn’t want to suit up. So the ball is in Chad’s court and right now it is Marvin Lewis – 1, Chad Johnson – 0. Here’s the position Chad will be playing next season…left out.

I guess Marvin wasn’t on your infamous list of people you can beat.

Chad, Marvin has completely called you out and the ball is in your court. I don’t know what you are going to do next, so this Man Up isn’t even from me. Marv is calling you out, he’s pulling your card, he demands that you MAN UP!

What ya gonna do Chad?

-Brock