Posts Tagged ‘Sarah Palin’

Palin and the Bush Doctrine…Wait. What is the Bush Doctrine?

September 12, 2008

I guess Charlie Gibson agreed to treat Sarah Palin with deference and respect prior to the interview because Palin finally agreed to come off script and tell us what she really thinks as opposed to what the scriptwriters think.

Man.  Charlie knew he had her immediately too.  When she says “In what respect Charlie” she really means, “What the hell are you talking about Charlie?”.  You can literally see the moment when she hears that voice inside that all of us hear sometimes saying “fuuuuuuuuuck”.

I half expected her to say “Charlie…I personally believe that US Americans believe that…such as…in the Iraq and the President Bush and the, Bush Doctrine and everything such as”.  In fact she might want to get in touch with Miss Teen South Carolina for some tips on how to work the interview answers off the cuff.

Oh man.  That never gets old.

Seriously though.  This is literally why politicians work the national stage for a little while.  That is why the 18 months on the campaign trail matter.  It’s okay if some reporter in Nebraska asks you about your views on the Bush Doctrine with a little tape recorder in his hand in March of 2007 when no one is paying attention.  You can say, “What is the Bush Doctrine?” and it is all good.  You can’t do it when you are 55 days away from the general election and locked in to be a 50/50 chance and a heartbeat away from the most powerful job in the world.

Like Matt Damon said, “she’s gonna have the nuclear codes”.

-Brock

Man Up Monday (Tuesday Edition): The Republican Party

September 2, 2008

My man Lake is the political one, so I’m sure he’s going to be working over Governor Palin any moment now.  So the Dems just came off of a successful convention, Hillary finally gave a speech where she she actually acknowledged that she is not longer going to be President of the United States, Bill Clinton did his thing, and Joe Biden was put through his paces.

It went well, and this week was supposed to show the Republican party right after so the American people can really see the differences between the parties.  Wellllllll.  Things aren’t exactly going as planned.  First, McCain cut the analysis of Barack Obama’s speech short by announcing his VP Candidate.  Now I had been working on my Mormon jokes all week and I know CNN had their debate clip package spliced up just right, but the ol maverick hit everyone with a curveball.

Sarah Palin?  Really?  Who is she?  No really, who is she?  Because of this wild choice, the word of the week in now “vetting”.  First, the Republicans asked George Bush what it meant, and he said “Vettin?  Ain’t that where you poke on them animals, and fix em up?”

Good one chief.  You’re an idiot.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

Anyway, the Republicans must think vetting is derived from the military policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell” because they apparently didn’t run this decision by any damn body.  OK?  I mean I vet my appitezer and dinner order with the table harder than they worked this decision around the circuit.  I mean damn, can it get worse?

Yes, Yes it can.

Not that underage sex and teen pregnancy.  Nice.  Those are family values at work.

Then they get to deal with this during their party convention.

Talk about raiiiieeeeaaaaiin on your wedding day.  Isn’t it ironic?  Don’t ya think?

That just sucks right there.  Especially since Bush and Brownie realllllly got that one wrong last time.

Even George Bush, sole possessor of the title of worst approval ratings ever can’t take it.

So Republicans.  You’re starting to look desperate.  Sarah Palin is not Hillary Clinton, ok?  Repeating things over and over does not make them true or any more convincing.  Also, until you solve the circular argument of: Barack Obama is not experienced enough to be President; Sarah Palin has the same qualifications as Barack Obama; Sarah Palin is ready to be Commander in Chief, I don’t want to hear anything else from you.

I’m sure you have something in the ol Republican handbook that still holds water.  Roll that puppy out and ride it into Friday.  Just believe in yourself.  Man Up!

-Brock

Republican Family Values: John Mac Chooses Ice Milf With Issues

September 2, 2008

Who knew so much could happen over such a short period of time. I’m a bit behind given my 5 day weekend and you’d essentially have to be living under a damn rock to have missed this, but to counter Barack Obama’s 38 Million Viewers on Thursday night, John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Jeez.  Where do I start?  When I heard they picked the Governor from Alaska, I was pretty much shocked, then confused, then honestly, I just laughed. One thing I really appreciate about the Republicans is how disrespectful they are to those whom they claim to actually represent.  It’s not that they think Americans are stupid, they KNOW we are and continue to act like it.  In some weird way, I like that about them.  But even most of my Republican friends admitted to me that they didn’t see this Harriet Myers special 2.0 coming.  Sarah Palin?  The chick hasn’t been in the Governor’s mansion for more than 20 months and already she’s under investigation for trying to fire her sister’s ex hubby, but she’s “Ready To Lead Amurica with integrity”?  Puulease…  I mean, who’s running that campaign over there, the Tranny from I Want To Work For Diddy?

First, Barack Obama starts whipping your ass in the polls, so McCain and company put their thinking caps on and come up with the concept that he’s “too popular to lead.”

Perfect.  That makes sense.  A cat who is trying to gain in popularity so he can win an election is now getting criticized for being popular.  I completely get that.  Next they cook up this tasty VP choice which is one part Republican Family Values play, one part Hillary Femi-Nazi pandering.

Right, because those pro Hillary women aren’t going to get that Palin basically stands in stark opposition to each and every position Hillary Clinton holds.  Nah, they just care that she’s rolling with breasts and a vagina….Come on now, she’s Pro Igloo, Anti Abortion Rights, Anti Sex Education (even though her daughter takes more Nordic Dack than a female Moose in heat), Pro Winter, Anti Seal and Pro Gun!  How’s that going to motivate Hillary Democrats?  Oh no, I know, they think that men are suddenly going to forget that they’re sexist and vote for her because she’s got such solid Milf appeal, right?

(Maybe it’s just me, but something aint right about this chick in the eyes)

And hell no I’m not impressed that she was the second runner up in the “Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant” back in the 80’s.  She’s decent looking, no question, but did yall see who actually won the crown that year?

Let’s face it, it’s Alaska.  The standard aint that high.  Borat had tighter hoes back home than Carlos Boozer ever saw before he went to college.  Plus, the babes have to stay inside half the damn year.  Trust me, they aint just burning whale blubber and eating baby seal to keep warm, either.  Shoot, I knew a chick from Alaska in college and all she wanted to go is get freaky.  Shit, sex is more popular in Alaska than hockey pucks, ice fishing and meth all combined.  That’s why Palin has 4 errr 5 kids and her daughter has 2 errrr 1 errrr a baby on the way.

That’s right, her 17 year old daughter, Bristol Palin, you know the one who is benefiting from all those advanced “prayer based” forms of contraception, has allowed Jesus, with the help of her boyfriend “Twig,” to place an original sin inspired brick of Chunky Monkey in her belly piece and if you believe the blogs out here, this aint the first time either.

That Belly bump on the far right is no joke. Hey Bristol, just a little advice, when you live in Alaska where there is 24 hours of darkness for 4 months straight, “girl Imma make luv to you to the break of dawn” might not be such a good motif to go by.

And now they’re on that, “she’s in the process of marrying her boyfriend”..   Oh course she is.  After all, nothing says “conservative values” like doubling down on an already fucked up situation by marrying the pimpled-faced, Igloo Eagle Scout who knocked you up in the first place.

Ha, supposedly this is the dude right here.  Oh yeah, he’s definitely got that “I’m about to marry that 17 year old chick I don’t really like because her mom needs me to in order to justify her ‘do as I say, not as I do’ political agenda.”  It’s all in the eyes, he’s ready to do his duty for Amurica.  AHNT

I know, I know, this Palin choice was “fully vetted” and you GOP types were there when ole Twig was laying that Alaskan lumber to young Bristol.  You knew all along that because of her mom’s political views, she’d be forced into the international spotlight as the very personification of your hypocritical and ineffective policy positions.  Yep, she too is ready to take that bullet for Amurica…riiiight.  haaaa

Even Cindy thinks you fuked this one up buddy.

All I can say is that I know for damn sure the Republicans are lucky Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf Coast today and provided a little cover.  Shiiiiit, that gave them the time they needed to get their stories straight.  Did you see how quickly they canceled all their shit?  Kind of reminded me how quick I was back in my school days to let someone else present first when I knew good and well I hadn’t done shit for that science project.  Oh they’ll tell you they knew about this all along, but saying you knew a 17 year old was preggers is just a bold faced lie.

One thing that’s for sure, this guarandamntees that I’ll be watching Gov. Palin’s speech this week.  Let me guess what she’ll say, this is “a family matter” and her family “needs time to deal with this, blah, blah blah, prayer, this isn’t political, but MY DAUGHTER IS KEEPING THE BABY because we respect life!!!!” haaaaaaa   I love it.

You know what the Republicans should do?  Keep Palin, dump McCain and nominate R. Kelly for President of the United States.

Now hold on, just think about it.   It’d be all pandering, all the time.  After all, is there a more religious man than R?  Shoot, Jesus stays up in his songs, so the religious right will be happy.  Then you’d be able to run him to black folks like he’s that viable alternative to Barack…right?  That ought to make this historic run even more classy….  Then, and this is the kicker, we know he likes them young girls, so he’s literally be able to bang out Palin’s daughter “til the break of dawn,” six months of darkness or not!  And that’s before he offered to keep her warm while “piss on you” played in the background, right?  What, no go?  ha

– Lake

——————-UPDATE————————

Are her kids really named Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig?  Jeez.  Those sound like Paint colors…or wood finishes.  What were Saddle, Rumpus, Vault, Rudder and Twist already taken?  Are these kids or Transformers?  This is great.  The only better thing would be if the pregnant one was Piper.  No, not because Piper is 7.  Because a pregnant teen named Piper is funnier.  You know nominal presidposition to actually getting “piped”.  My Bad.

-Brock