Posts Tagged ‘Sex Tapes’

New Sex Tape: Marilyn Monroe?

May 13, 2008

Lake is the resident expert on sex tapes here at UvT, but I couldn’t let this one go. First there was the Gene Simmons, then there was Jimi Hendrix, then there was the hope that Barbara Walters didn’t have a sex tape…now this. Some big time hardcore freak memorabilia collector named Keya Morgan just bought the only copy of a Marilyn Monroe sextape for $1.5 Million dollars.

Damn. Marilyn might have been working with something there. You can tell by that tippy toe shes rocking over there on the left. So the tape shows Marilyn with some unknown man busting out 15 minutes of old school 1950’s head.

Known freak and psycho J. Edgar Hoover supposedly “reviewed” the tape for two weeks straight trying to discover who the man in the tape was. Hoover wanted to prove that JFK got down with the original version of Bill Clinton’s banana..uhhhhh…cigar in the tailpipe.

Come on now. You know President JFK was too smooth to get head on camera. Billy Clint didn’t even go that far. Supposedly, Joe Dimaggio tried to buy the tape back in the day for $25,000 just to destroy it.

You know Joe got him some too though…

Here’s my question. Who was making sex tapes back in the 1950’s. Do you know how hard it must have been to get that thing set up so it could be taped? Seriously, look at this thing.

Where do you set this thing up? I thought the cameras of the mid 90’s were tough to set up for the secret video tapes, and that was with a pretty small handheld camera and mini tapes. You have to set up a reel of film and plug this thing in with that brrrrrrrbbbbbbbbbbb-fap-fap-fap sound slapping around in the background. Then where do you watch it?

Well whoever it was, they got one of the biggest bombshells in American History giving a 15 minute bj on video tape? That’s pimpin’ right there. Doesn’t this just guarantee that there is a Lindsay Lohan, a Britney Spears, Alyssa Milano, and every body damn else sex tape out there? Will it still be interesting in 2048?

-Brock

Is Paris Hilton still hot?

November 15, 2007

Or better put, was she ever? I’m not a big Paris guy and never really have been. I can’t lie, I’m turned on by her money, but there’s really nothing else aside from the dough that I couldn’t pick up in just about any local club, Walmart or trailer park.

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Hell or maybe one that looks a little bit better, like ole girl above.  Shoot, I can’t lie, I kinda like the fit and feel of Fake Paris in this canary number.  Let’s not fool ourselves though, shit can definitely get worse when civilians try to do what Paris does:

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Whatever the case, the babe is just uninspiring and just imagine how irrelevant she’ll be when she’s, say, 30. Anyway, her process of irrelevancy might be accelerating with these recent pics of her improperly working this stripper pole.

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Boring. This too.

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Trash. Come on now, bend ova to the front, touch ya toes, girl! There’s nothing worse in the world than a bad freak or underachieving hoe.

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Get your game tight babe. I’m just done. This chick needs to have a baby, get married and divorced, go into rehab or go back to jail because whatever she’s giving me now just isn’t very interesting. Now I can’t lie. Her antics in that sex tape, that was interesting (NSFW).

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I mean, did yall see how that cat Rick Solomon was just putting it on her? I mean, really telling her what to do, what he wanted, what she was gonna do… Really letting her have it and getting his silver polished the whole way. Now see, because of my respect for women, normally I wouldn’t ever post something like this. But we all know Paris put that tape out on purpose, so let’s just keep the party going.

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Damn Rick, you didn’t have to get so gangster with it homey….Either Rick is a pimp, after all he bagged Pam Anderson too, or Paris is a silly chick with a famous name, tons of jack and a few prescription pills to keep everyone honest.. Either way, I’m ready for the next phase or at least the next sex tape. Hop to it.

– Lake