Posts Tagged ‘Rihanna’

Boring: Nack Cannon and Mariah Got Married?

May 5, 2008

Has there ever been a more boring couple that you could have less use for?

OK. I’ll admit, I have a use for Rihanna’s thick ass thigh over there on the left side, but otherwise I’m not too excited. What’s interesting about these two is that I actually have a use for both when they’re apart, just not together. Fine, I’m just hatin’, if Rihanna needed a place to pop, lock and drop it, I’d be her man too.

Even more useless than these two? Can it get worse? Yes it can… A bunch of media outlets are saying that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married in “the islands” (whatever that means) a few days back.

He’s 27, she’s 38 (damn, Mariah is that old?) Why in the hell would Nick mess with her and then really put it down like that?

Ok, but other than her dough? Come on… Nick makes some money from that awful improv show and besides, he’s been blazing Kim Kardashian and Selita Ebanks… come on, you don’t go from Filet Mignon and Lobster to Arby’s people, I’m sorry. And before you comment, Arby’s is exactly what Mariah is. I mean, have you ever seen someone with big breasts, minimal fat and long hair look less sexy in a revealing outfit?

Look, I give Mariah credit. She looks better now than she’s ever looked before. But Nick, look long and hard. This is a 38 year old woman, and it is never going to be any better than what you see here. You were dating a Vicky Secrets model. And you end up with Mariah? I know the kid on Chappelle’s show thought you were “Hilaaaaarious” but you ain’t that funny to me. In fact, this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen you do and I’m laughing at you, not with you.

While you are going downhill…I can’t hate on the track record. You went from this…

Ooooooh. Christina “two scoops” Milian does it for me every time.

To this:

I wasn’t up on Selita Ebanks too tough, but I am now. That ass piece is struggling to escape…and I like that.

To this:

Damn, I thought that was photoshopped, but I think that is real from 2005

Come on, I wouldn’t date Mariah Carey….sans that money. Sheyut, everybody has a price. Anyway, this must be a fake story or a publicity stunt. Either way, it kind of makes me yawn.

Nick, I hope all that money acts as a salve when you look up at age 35 and your lady is pushing 50 and you feel that pain for not opting for a young tender when you had the chance. Nick, remember the assology mantra…thick today is swole tomorrow.

Who am I kidding, this might not last the whole calendar year. Especially when Mariah finds out Nick remixed the ring he gave Selita.


Assology 102: Point of Clarification

March 1, 2008

I just want to follow up on the subject of Rihanna. She may in fact have a “magician” booty (now you see it, now you don’t), but she can still get it.


Oh yes, she can still get it.


Assology 102: Rihanna Case Study

February 28, 2008

You know your boy Brock wouldn’t let you down. I promised I was going to the lab to develop my 2008 Assology curriculum and I’m back with Assology 102.

We need to take the lessons to the streets, apply what we’ve learned to the real world. The ladies can throw out some real curveballs on you so you’ve got to be prepared. Lake threw Rihanna in the mix last week with this picture.


Well damn, that is hard to argue with right there. That waist to ass ratio is strong. Let’s go ahead and match that up with her album cover.


I mean she leans all the way back into that boy to prop that thang up. All good, right? Not quite my friends, lets take a closer look.


Awww naw, hail naw mang. What the hell is that? What happened? Here is the first principle of Assology: a single tuck does not make a great ass. I mean the set up coming out of the waist is phemonenal, but damn that finish is terrible. You gotta stick the landing, you gotta finish what you started, you gotta tuck that ass back in! I mean those legs are silky smooth like the negative arse chick.

For the math freaks out there, the proper ass to waist ratio can be found with the following formula A>1.64W, where A=ass, W=waist and A does not exceed 2.1W. Angel Lola Luv, I’m coming for you with my tape measure.

Can I get a glute, can I get a crease, can I get a hamstring? What does a properly tucked ass look like? Vida, can you come out here please?


Don’t get me wrong, like our drunk cousin h8torade likes to say…when it comes to Rihanna, I’d hit it. Chris Breezay and his sthpesshial star tattoo ain’t got nothing on Brock. By time I got done she might have a double tuck. But that ass ain’t all right. Chris Rock doesn’t care though, he’d hit it too.



‘Bout time Brock got back to work!!!!  We don’t give you that much vacation.

Damn, that one pic with the lean back should be called “good ass gone missing”.. WTF?  Maybe she does rock the ass pads, because she’s looking Grrrrrrrrrrreat in that Forest Green number.   What you need to add to your analysis is whether there is a link between the her missing ass syndrome and her chronic inability to dance!  I mean, I aint never seen a chick with ass who can’t dance and I aint eva seen a babe from the Carribean that can’t dance.  Two strikes.  Chris Brown may in fact be hitting it right, but just because he’s rocking it like “the hit maker” doesn’t mean she’s brining that thunder, ether physically or metaphysically (I said it!)….

Paris Hilton Reconsidered: New Evidence

December 12, 2007

I know we’ve already questioned Paris Hilton and the very nature of her celebrity. We’ve asked if she was still hot, why she is famous, and how she keeps popping up in the news. We all know she really got famous once that sex tape hit the internet, and I don’t think anyone can even look at Paris Hilton without thinking of that room washed in the glow of night vision with those raccoon eyes staring back at you while getting bucked by old boy.


Tell me I’m wrong.

Anyway, here is my problem with Paris. I know she’s not hot, she’s definitely not my type (body type that is, she’s definitely a freak and down for whatever, that in fact is my type) But then she breaks something like this out:


Not I know she is physically airbrushed, then digitally airbrushed, then they obviously dropped her in the middle of some photoshop stock backdrops. This is the teaser ad for her new champagne, Rich Prosecco. Dammit I know it ain’t right, but once again once you’ve seen a chick get banged out, a picture of her butt naked with a look of ecstasy on her face makes this picture worth more than a thousand words.

I still don’t think she is UvT quality, but I appreciate the fact that she is stepping her game up.

In the battle of the body paint, I’m still going to have to go with Rihanna.


Silky smooth right there.