Posts Tagged ‘New England Patriots’

Man Up Monday: Fantasy Football “Geniuses”

September 8, 2008

I just want to start off by saying I feel like a little kid on Christmas morning.  I could barely sleep last night, stayed in all day.  Only instead of toys, turkey and Christmas lights, I broke out the mini keg of Bell’s Oberon and rocked the homemade wings (buffalo and lemon pepper with a side of blue cheese) and fired up this HD NFL Sunday Ticket (rocking the main game on the projector with the “game mix” on the side with all the other games running simultaneously.)  My man cave is real.  The NFL is back.

And it is already great.  My Falcons and Michael Turner drug the hell out of the Detroit Lions.  Carolina came down to the wire.  T.O. had a crazy almost lost it behind his back catch, and my fantasy squad just broke the 100 point barrier to lead all teams.  Oh! Bears defensive TD!  Killing these fools.  Anyway, for those of you who follow Fantasy Football, the big prediction this year was that the traditional running back era was over and the the QB gives the best value in this years draft.  You see, normally running backs are the best fantasy players, they score the most touchdowns, they get the ball 25-30 times a game, and they end up being pretty durable.  This year, because Tom Brady and Randy Moss went wild, everyone said Brady was an early first rounder, as high as 3, he went 5 in my league.  They were also pumping Romo and Moss as other first rounders.  Well, here’s the risk with taking an early QB:

Brady may be out for the entire season with a knee injury which will kill the Patriots season.  Did I mention I picked last?  That means that although I didn’t want to, I ended up with Randy Moss and Peyton Manning in the first two rounds?  Who were my running backs?  Well for one, I got Michael Turner in the 3rd round…and he killed it today.  Oh and to the rest of the cats in my league, don’t even bother looking for Matt Cassel on Wednesday, my #1 waiver wire position puts him on my squad.  Thanks.

So now the Patriots season, and all those fantasy geniuses who just killed thousands of fantasy squads probably feel a lot like this:

So all the pros need to go back to the drawing board on trying to break out of tradition.  Oh, and everyone in my league better watch out.  I’m picking up right where I left off last year, dominating.

So to all the Fantasy prognosticators, to the New England Patriots, to Matt Cassel, to my man H. Larry who somehow inexplicably ended up with Tom Brady, Rudi Johnson and Vince Young, to the squad who would have beat every team in the league this week other than mine…MAN UP!  HAAAAAAAA!

-Brock the Week One Champ

Bill Belichick Sex Tape? Oh Hail No.

August 8, 2008

I know we have a strict never actually watch the sex tape policy here.  Of course we are obligated to report what’s out there.  But this time I’m not going to need any self restraint to avoid this one.  There is a rumor out there that Bill Belichick, coach of the almost undefeated New England Patriots has a sex tape.  Aw naw.

Look we already know Bill is down with the videotape.  No wonder the spygate tapes got destroyed so damn quickly.  Bill wasn’t just taping the other team’s plays, he was also showing how to control the backfield, go long, run the offense through the tight end, use his ball control technique.  My bad, that last one was too much.

Here’s the wild part.  The sextape is alledgedly with the married woman that he had the affair with.  Okay, let’s go over player rule number one.  If you are going to do the double dirty move, cheating on your wife with a married woman…you don’t even roll out to a place that can be traced back to you, much less videotaping the damn thing. I mean you are supposed to be checking into a hotel with a false name, going through the connecting door, climbing out on the balcony and wearing a mask.

Speaking of what he’s wearing, does he rock the hoodie in the tape?

Now we know why he chops off the sleeves.  Although I now wonder what he keeps in the pocket.

Who is the babe anyway.  I don’t want to see it at all, but I certainly don’t want to see old people hunchin’, just rollin’ and foldin’ and awwwwwww.  Let’s peep Sharon Shenocca.

Well damn Bill…you get a hail yeah on that one right there.  My older babe game ain’t too tight, but if I had to guess, that’s gotta be top shelf.

Touchdown.

-Brock

The Mentality of the Masses

February 3, 2008

With the Superbowl going down in just a few hours, and Super Tuesday just 72 hours away, we have a unique opportunity to look at the mentality of the American people. Here’s the basic story, when it comes to a competitive event, Us Versus Them if you will, there are two kinds of people in the world. There are people who will decide on, and stick with, who they want to win.  Then there are people who just want to pick the eventual winner…just so they can be right about their choice. Let’s look at sports first.

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So this weekend we’ve got the Patriots v. the Giants. So here’s how the camps break down. There are the die hard fans. You know, the people who either grew up in the NY or Boston. They’ve been fans all their lives. The dudes who have Pats gear with that terrible minuteman in the three point stance. These are dyed in the wool fans, they will support their team no matter how bad the odds are. You know, the Notre Dame fan who thinks they have a chance every single weekend, the Green Bay fan that won’t watch tomorrow because the Golden Boy, Brett Favre threw the season away in overtime, the Mets fan that had their playoff dreams dashed as they watched one of the worst implosions in baseball history last September.  Or this guy, I’m thinking he would root for the Pats even if they were 0-18 (impossible I know) instead of 18-0.

Don’t get me wrong I know the pain well, every March I struggle with tossing the Blue Devils out in the round of 16 or 8 where they should go out of the tourney, or picking them to go all the way. Is there anything potentially worse than not picking your team to go all the way and seeing them win? I mean what kind of fan would you be if you didn’t have faith? So in sports it is cool, what is the big deal, right? But when you apply this to politics, that is when it gets dangerous.

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No one knows better than Rudy Guiliani. I mean this cat forgot the number one rule of the masses. People think what they are told to think. Rudy G tried to get fancy and pretend like Iowa, New Hampshire, Michigan and South Carolina didn’t matter. Wrong…wrong. By time they got to Florida, Rudy was already a loser. Once they said he was losing in the late polling he was really in trouble. Here’s where it comes in…even the people who believed Rudy G was the right candidate wanted to vote for the winner. Who wants to be on the losing team? When you go the casino, you aren’t rewarded for picking what you believe, you win for picking the winner.

So who knows who the winner is ahead of time?  That’s the problem, the media, their polls, the stories that are written, the soundbytes that are edited for youtube proliferation; and that is the stuff that gets to people who actually care.  I bet if I walked into a Michigan or Florida mall and asked ten random people why the Democratic votes didn’t count in the primary, I’d be lucky to find one.  I’m still pissed about that by the way.  Look, I wanted to know, I sought out the answers and it still took me a few days to sort it out.  I bet if you asked people throughout the nation who has more delegates in the race for the Democratic nomination, most people would say Hillary because she “won” Michigan and Florida.

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Yeah, Brock got as many delegates as Hillary did in those two states, which is only one less than Rudy Giuliani got, and I didn’t have to spend  $60 Million to get there.

So tonight, go with your gut.  I’m pulling for the Patriots because I want to see history, I want to see if the ’72 Dolphins invite Brady and the boys to their champagne toasts.  But if the Falcons were in the big game, you best believe that all better judgment would be gone and I’d be pulling from the home town boys.  As far as the election is concerned, pull for who you believe in, win or lose.  You’ll feel better in the morning.

-Brock

By they way…it’s 2:00…they just started the Fox Pregame.  Kickoff is over four hours from now, is there seriously that much to say?  We’ll be talking about Tom Brady’s neighbors cat before all this is said and done.

NFL Playoff Preview

January 5, 2008

Wild card weekend is coming and there are some interesting matchups.  Before we get there though, I know Lake has already covered the Patriots and their perfect season of dominance, but there is one more issue I have.  I know football is a rough game.  I know that the playoffs are truly all that matters.  I know when someone who gets hurt in a game when they shouldn’t have been on the field, the coach is questioned.  I also know that the only reason that Belichek left his guys in is the fact that he has three fresh Championship rings on his fingers and a hoodie pouch full of AFC championship rings.  But my man Herm said it best:

You don’t play to play, you play to win.   I think this is especially true in football.  If you have the first week off, win that last game.  Rest turns to rust as far as I’m concerned.

Like the Colts had no damn reason to lose to the Titans, especially with Kerry Collins in the saddle.  That can’t be good for the team. The Colts have the best chance to beat the Pats…and they lost to the lo ass Titans?  Come on.  You aren’t even coming in strong.

There is no better way to go from this:

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Looking like a champ and playing like a beast…

to this:

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Looking and feeling like a punk.

With that sad lets get to the matchups.  Let’s start with the Giants and Tampa Bay.

You know Eli can’t win right?  Sure, the Bucs are out of a weak NFC South, but they are on a roll and I just don’t believe in the Giants right now.  They had an opportunity to clinch this playoff spot since long about week 12 and couldn’t close the deal.  THEN they got drug for the sake of history last week.  Embarrassing really.

Tennessee v. San Diego

All Norv Turner and San Diego need is one playoff win to retroactively prove that it was a good idea to fire a coach that went 14-2 but can’t coach a playoff game to save his life (or job for that matter).  Unfortunately for the Chargers, Norv Turner has a history of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, so be careful.  But, a Titans team without Vince Young is all you can really ask for.  That is the weakest team in the playoffs so the Chargers should roll.

Washington v. Seattle

This is another decent game, but Washington should roll.  They have put together a nice little streak here at the end of the season.  Seattle hasn’t looked like Seattle in years (or is that they’ve gone back to the Seahawks we all know and love?)  Anyway, I’ve got the Skins and their racist, but not as racist as Chief Wahoo logo.

Jacksonville v. Pittsburgh

This is the marquee matchup of this weekend.  These teams should be rough, it should be physical, and the winner has a legit shot at beating one of the division leaders.  Although Pittsburgh has the history and the playoff swagger I think the Jags get em.  One caveat though.  Mike Tomlin is the UvT coach of the year just for simultaneously looking like he could replace Billy Dee in a colt 45 commercial and like he could strap on the pads and go whoop ass on the field at any moment.  He is on the sideline slapping high fives and chest bumping his team like he is watching from home, not coaching.  If he does this during the game:

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I switch my pick to Pittsburgh.  You a smooth muthafucka Mike.

-Brock

Foregone conclusion: Pats will get to 16-0

December 29, 2007

This is barely worth posting on, but I’ve been gone for a minute so I figured I’d just check in. Today I’m in Boston and all you see is Pats gear everywhere. Normally that wouldn’t mean much but in a place where the Red Sox outshine EVERYTHING it’s pretty significant to see all this Pats stuff so prominently placed.

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And I’m told that even more people nationwide want the Pats to lose today.

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Well, guess what, it aint gonna happen. The Pats are a LOCK to win today. And why? First of all, Eli Manning just sucks and there’s really nothing more than needs to be said about that. He’s nothing like his brother and something like his father. He’s a below average NFL quarterback with an unfortunate name. The second issue is that the Giants aren’t that good. Sure they’ve got 10 wins, but they had a soft schedule and failed to show up against stiff comp. The Giants are going nowhere in the playoffs and they’ll be completely outmatched today by Darth Hoody.

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With that said, you gotta give it to the Hoody Billy Beli-cheat and the dirty pretty boy Tommy Skywalker. Just as a side note, I like this new Tom Brady. Homey has a little dirt under his fingernails and I think I like it.

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I mean, he’s running high profile hoes, got kids out of wedlock, he’s been running some hot smack during games…. sheyut, this aint your girlfriend’s Tom. He’s officially gone over to the Dark Side and I think he likes it.

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Anyway, great season, but will any of it matter if they can’t put away Peyton and the Colts?

– Lake

Belicheat to NFL: I’m so hood…

December 4, 2007

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If any of you saw last night’s game you know what this post is about. I was watching the game last night and as the Patriots were making that last drive all I can think of is how Bill Belichick needs to make his own version of one of the hottest songs out now, I’m so Hood Remix. Yall know the intro where T Pain hypes up the song with all the ways he’s hood. Funny, I always that he was more prison bitch hood if anything, but who knows. I guess he laid the song down flat and the joint is hot so I shouldn’t hate too much. Anyway, this is Bill’s intro to the very same song and as always, you must listen to the song, linked below, first in order to get the joke:

I’m so Hood (Remix) by Billy the Cheat aka Bill Belichick feat. Tom Brady, Randy Moss, some dude’s wife/Bill’s new girl and a high definition video camera

I’m soooo Hood (Listen)
I wear these wrinkled khakis up on my waist
I got this ice grille all on my face
cuz yall reporterz is planning to hate (I rock a HOOD)
And I got yo wife up at my house
Akinyele blaring out,
you know what I’m talking about (I bout dis HOOD-OD)
And and all my Pats fans won’t ya stand up (my Pats iz Hood-od)
my hood assistance pick that footage up
I don’t care what yall be talkin’ bout,
if you aint feelin Billy go home n pout it -ou-ou-out
16-0 iz bout dis-HOOD!!!!

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The Pats just barely edged by the Baltimore Ravens last night as a result of a series of timeouts, penalties, suspect calls and timely plays made by Tom Brady and the New England receivers. The game was kind of crazy. You’re sitting there watching it saying to yourself, “huh, the Ravens are actually in this game” to “man, the Ravens have a chance” to “wow, the Ravens are about to really beat these cats” to “muthafucka, the Hood master himself, Billy Beli-Cheat done gotten over on the league again, I can’t wait to hear his evasive mumbling and grumbling answers in the presser.”

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You know what’s hilarious? You often have to look for “bad” pictures of cats to make your point, but in the case of B-Cheat, ALL his pics look like this.

True to form, Bill was a m*therfucker after the game, being the exact asshole that we thought he was.

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Shoot, even Tom Brady was a bit of a jerk at the end of the game. He didn’t take too kindly to the notion that they “got all the calls at the end,” a question one of the reporters asked him. I’ve never heard Tom ice down a reporter like that though. I mean, he really fired back at him “you tell me if we got them, I get fined if I talk about.. yeah and earlier in the game, we didn’t get the calls dickhead”. Ok, the “dickhead” was added in by me, but that’s what he meant.

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I guess having a baby out of wedlock and getting busted for cheating will make a dude get a lil prickly. Hey, I still like Tom though. He’s a good cat and he’s dead nice at throwing the pill. When he ran for that first down on 4th and 6, after missing it twice before, that was ballsy. Homey has the heart of a lion, will of a champion…oh and he’s got Gisele so you can only hate so much.

Anyway, the story remains the same.

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Just when you think hated front-runners are gonna finally get what’s coming to them, Belichick gets over on the league and does it in true asshole fashion. I can’t lie… I wanted B-more to win, but you just got to root for Evil on some level, too.

One thing is for sure, Bill Belichick aka The Hoody aka Beli-cheat is so damn hood. And speaking of being so damn hood, is DJ Khaled that damn hood that it’s suddenly ok for him to be running around yelling the N-word like he’s on set of the Chris Rock Show or something?

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(You better be hood fool)

I mean, he didn’t just say it a little bit, he really went at it. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t see nary a trace of Sub Saharan African in that cat… I’m sure his boys are good with it, but he best watch his back. You best be that hood before some civilized suited up corporate black man sets you straight about the rules for who can and cannot say what to who.

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Damn, sorry, now THAT was hood. Late.

– Lake

New England Patriots: Best Team Ever?

November 19, 2007

What are they putting in the water in Massachusetts?  First the Red Sox turn it up in the playoffs to win the World Series.  The Celtics are dragging everyone early with the new Big 3.  But these New England Patriots are putting on the best show the NFL has seen in years.  Brady just stands in the pocket waiting to pick people apart.  Randy Moss is looking like the player everyone thought he was when he was drafted.  The defense is crushing people.  No gimmicks, no flash, they are just beating the hell out of every team that gets put in front of them.

Vader Belichick

You think this guy has a chip on his shoulder?  How do you get to the cut off sweatshirt anyway?  Does it mean you are too hot or too cold?  Seriously, if is like a t-shirt made out of that thick ass sweatshirt material.  They don’t sell those for a reason.  If you don’t want sleeves, go to the regular T.  If you need to be warm, go with the sweatshirt.  There are actual options between the two.  The long sleeve T for instance, the sweater vest, those terrible windbreakers, a members only jacket.  I mean he is one more cut away from looking like one of those cats in the gym that wear zubaz pants.

Anyway, the Patriots are about to make the NFL drop in a mercy rule.  They won 56-10 last night.  They’ve averaged more than 40 points per game.  Brady has 38 touchdowns so far, projected for 61.  Payton had 49 a few seasons ago.  Brady has 6 games left, but the way he’s passing he’ll have it by halftime on December 9th.  And after Don Shula was talking all that shit, what do you think they are going to do to the Dolphins (going for their own special kind of perfect season this year) on December 23?

With all the success in Boston, what would happen if the teams all started working together to form some kind of super team?

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Forget it, that’s just ridiculous.

-Brock