Posts Tagged ‘WTF?!?!?’

A Very Special UvT Message: NBA Finals Edition

June 17, 2008

As basketball season comes to a close and “the drought” aka the only damn thing on is baseball season begins it is time for us to reflect on the NBA. Now last year I was always asking “Why are you still in the league?”, but the NBA Finals are a special time. Then NBA finals produce two kinds of players. Legends of the game who go down in the annals of history…

…and muthafuckas that don’t deserve a ring.

For every Michael Jordan, there is a Jason Caffey. For every Kobe and Shaq, there is a Mark “Mad Dog” Madsen.

See that muthafucka knows he did not deserve that ring.

This year we have Scot Pollard.

That is why the Celtics can’t win. That muthafucka there is gets more than “Why the hell are you still in the league? He gets a full on That muthafucka. Does not. Deserve. A ring.

There it is. Celtics can’t win.

I’m just sayin’

-Brock

———–UPDATE—————–

OK.  So the Celtics won.  Did anyone notice that this asshole Scot Pollard changed into uniform at halftime?  What a dick.  I guess he wanted to make it look like he actually had something to do with the win.

Scot, the last game you played was in February…and it was only for 7 minutes.  You were declared out for the season on March 5th.  You had street clothes on in the first half.  What was it like to be in the locker room up by twenty and say…hmmm…we’re about to get the chip.  Maybe I should look like an actual player.  You can sleep with that?

-Brock

Attack of the Flying Penis

May 20, 2008

Is the UvT crowd up on Second Life? Probably not, it is a pretty “them” activity. It is like the Sims without anything to do, like World of Warcraft without magic and Paladins and shit. You just create a fake you and hang out with other fake people. Marketing people talk about it like it is the future of advertising and communication. Nike is in there, Honda, Sprite. All these companies ran to make sure they had fake stores for all the fake people to look at their fake products. But in reality it probably isn’t. There really aren’t that many people who actually use it, as I said there is nothing to do when you get there, and as always in the land of anonymity, there are too many assholes.

The one thing they do is try to ruin any sort of major attempt to do anything legitimate in the space by throwing penises around the room.

There it is. The future of human interaction.

Now that is not funny. This is. Someone actually figured out how to do this in real life. Now I don’t know what the hell this dude is talking about, but you’ve gotta wait until about 20 seconds in.

Who took the time to turn the dildo into a helicopter? Excuse me, helicockter. Jet Blew. Cocktinental Airlines. I can do this all day. The only thing better would have been if they were actually able to hit someone in the head with it before the security dude slapped it out of the air.

Can’t wait until some frat boy pulls this in his Poly Sci lecture this fall.

-Brock

Somebody Tell Steve Harvey No One Wants to See This

May 7, 2008

Steve Harvey has apparently put down the Popeye’s chicken and started working out and he wants everyone to know. Now normally I wouldn’t cover this kind of story because I don’t like to put nudity and all kinds of filth flarn filth on the interweb. But I just can’t let this slide. It all started a few months ago when Jet magazine published this picture of Steve Harvey.

Extra tight black beater, some sort of extra chest muscle not found on any anatomy drawing, Steve getting his skrong, bald black mens on. It’s f’n terrible, but not completely offensive. So I guess some big girls on the streets of New York told Steve that he sure looked good because he has now launched the “take your shirt off campaign” for the summer. So we ended up with this

What the fuck is that? Come on Steve, put that away. That is just plain ridiculous. My bad, I should have marked this NSFW with those exposed breasts. We’ll ask Lake about Steve’s “J game” later. First, of all who told Steve that grease is an important part of any picture you take with your shirt off. Fine, if you are going to get greased up like a damn professional wrestler do you thing. Steve decided to slather it on thick. This wasn’t a rub down, he looks like he broke out the paint sprayer, filled it with baby oil and went to town. That shit ain’t right. He’s going to end up with a Jheri Curl juice stain on his jeans behind that technique. Then he threw on the ARod, turrible gear Hall of Fame mom jeans on top of it? I’d rather see Steve in those terrible three piece, seven button, extra long suits with the extra tight line up than let the “take your shirt off challenge” go on for another day.

Call Steve, write to your senator, take the protest to the streets, some how, some way, make him stop.

Please.

-Brock

=================Update===============

Man, you gotta give Steve a bit of a pass.  First off, he’s from Cleveland.  No offense to my Cleveland peeps, but that custom mustard 8 button suit idea he stole from Chess King shouldn’t get lost on all of this.  Second, Steve just got rid of the high top fade long about 2002 when the forced baldy was upon him. Anybody who holds onto an antiquated haircut for that long, can’t really be faulted for his other social faux pas.

Damn, I saw these Harvey pics on the web in passing, but I though it was just a case of photoshop gone horribly wrong.  I didn’t think they were actually THAT CAT…  Damn, let us pray.

– Lake

Belicheat to NFL: I’m so hood…

December 4, 2007

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If any of you saw last night’s game you know what this post is about. I was watching the game last night and as the Patriots were making that last drive all I can think of is how Bill Belichick needs to make his own version of one of the hottest songs out now, I’m so Hood Remix. Yall know the intro where T Pain hypes up the song with all the ways he’s hood. Funny, I always that he was more prison bitch hood if anything, but who knows. I guess he laid the song down flat and the joint is hot so I shouldn’t hate too much. Anyway, this is Bill’s intro to the very same song and as always, you must listen to the song, linked below, first in order to get the joke:

I’m so Hood (Remix) by Billy the Cheat aka Bill Belichick feat. Tom Brady, Randy Moss, some dude’s wife/Bill’s new girl and a high definition video camera

I’m soooo Hood (Listen)
I wear these wrinkled khakis up on my waist
I got this ice grille all on my face
cuz yall reporterz is planning to hate (I rock a HOOD)
And I got yo wife up at my house
Akinyele blaring out,
you know what I’m talking about (I bout dis HOOD-OD)
And and all my Pats fans won’t ya stand up (my Pats iz Hood-od)
my hood assistance pick that footage up
I don’t care what yall be talkin’ bout,
if you aint feelin Billy go home n pout it -ou-ou-out
16-0 iz bout dis-HOOD!!!!

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The Pats just barely edged by the Baltimore Ravens last night as a result of a series of timeouts, penalties, suspect calls and timely plays made by Tom Brady and the New England receivers. The game was kind of crazy. You’re sitting there watching it saying to yourself, “huh, the Ravens are actually in this game” to “man, the Ravens have a chance” to “wow, the Ravens are about to really beat these cats” to “muthafucka, the Hood master himself, Billy Beli-Cheat done gotten over on the league again, I can’t wait to hear his evasive mumbling and grumbling answers in the presser.”

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You know what’s hilarious? You often have to look for “bad” pictures of cats to make your point, but in the case of B-Cheat, ALL his pics look like this.

True to form, Bill was a m*therfucker after the game, being the exact asshole that we thought he was.

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Shoot, even Tom Brady was a bit of a jerk at the end of the game. He didn’t take too kindly to the notion that they “got all the calls at the end,” a question one of the reporters asked him. I’ve never heard Tom ice down a reporter like that though. I mean, he really fired back at him “you tell me if we got them, I get fined if I talk about.. yeah and earlier in the game, we didn’t get the calls dickhead”. Ok, the “dickhead” was added in by me, but that’s what he meant.

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I guess having a baby out of wedlock and getting busted for cheating will make a dude get a lil prickly. Hey, I still like Tom though. He’s a good cat and he’s dead nice at throwing the pill. When he ran for that first down on 4th and 6, after missing it twice before, that was ballsy. Homey has the heart of a lion, will of a champion…oh and he’s got Gisele so you can only hate so much.

Anyway, the story remains the same.

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Just when you think hated front-runners are gonna finally get what’s coming to them, Belichick gets over on the league and does it in true asshole fashion. I can’t lie… I wanted B-more to win, but you just got to root for Evil on some level, too.

One thing is for sure, Bill Belichick aka The Hoody aka Beli-cheat is so damn hood. And speaking of being so damn hood, is DJ Khaled that damn hood that it’s suddenly ok for him to be running around yelling the N-word like he’s on set of the Chris Rock Show or something?

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(You better be hood fool)

I mean, he didn’t just say it a little bit, he really went at it. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t see nary a trace of Sub Saharan African in that cat… I’m sure his boys are good with it, but he best watch his back. You best be that hood before some civilized suited up corporate black man sets you straight about the rules for who can and cannot say what to who.

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Damn, sorry, now THAT was hood. Late.

– Lake

Christina Aguilera is a classy gal

November 30, 2007

Christina Aquilera has always just struck me as such a waste. She’s got great talent, good looks, I mean, the chick should really have it all. Too bad talent doesn’t come packaged with good sense.

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Just why? I know, I know, motherhood is beautiful. Sure it is, but check out that look in her eye. We aren’t talking bonding with your baby beauty, we’re talking, I still like to take it up the arse, I’m looking at the camera man’s package right now beautiful. Personally, I don’t like these, “I’m knocked up, but I’m sexy in a different way” pictorials. Demi was provocative, Britney’s was annoying and this is just f*cking unacceptable!! Jeez. You’d think this would be enough to satisfy her “I’m slutty and empowered” jones.

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(See, no difference and you know you can’t play that guitar)

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Why would I want to see a pregnant woman, weaved out of her mind with nothing but ice, stripper tanning lotion and some Christian Louboutin (I said it) kicks on? I know, I know, this is a women’s magazine, right, then why is she starring down the camera like she just got her Monica Lewinsky on in her trailer park with a striking stage hand? Nothing this chick does is for women. She may not be a ho, but as Chris Rock says, she wears the hoe’s uniform..namely, NADA and heels.

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(You know you hit with heels on, that aint yo’ hair and you’re NOT Spanish!)

Come on. Isn’t anything sacred? Can’t you just not be a Hollyweird freakazoid for 6 months of your life? After the kid comes, then you can just hand it off to the nanny, hit the gym, club, all your background dancers (in that order please) and just go back to your normal life (ie fucking for tracks). But I think the rest of us deserve not to have to see your pregnant ass, enhanced cans, scraggly weave, and soon to be stretched out baby maker (see below) plastered all over our newsstands.

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(NSFW joints here.. terrible dude.)

Doesn’t the fact that you’re 7 months pregnant mean anything to you? Doesn’t ANYTHING change about what you do, who you roll with, HOW you roll?

Is it too much to ask for this chick to wear draws?

I just feel like Britney hooked this chick up with the “what not to do” play book, but just like a lemming, she’s doing it all. It’s just terrible. Cover that damn thing up. Prepare for motherhood. Stop saying you’re Latino and stop denying that you’ve been knifed up and mamillarily enhanced and put some damn clothes on.. Literally, FOR THE CHILDREN. Awful.

I can’t lie though, when you hit juuust the right angle, with juuuust the right amount of airbrush, she’s dirty white girl freaky trailer park sexy.

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I admit it.

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Hmmm, I think she might have Lauren London beat. On second thought, I retract everything I said above. Keep on doing what you do mama.

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Nice.

– Lake the Hate(r)

The War on Terror-ible: Rule No. 1 Violation

November 27, 2007

Look, if there is one group of cats I don’t fuck with, it’s terrorists/insurgents (yes, I acknowledge they aren’t the same, but just let me be simplistic here) . I mean, let’s face it, pound for pound, those cats are the hardest, wildest and scariest dudes on the planet. Politics aside, I don’t want any trouble with those cats and generally, I just assume that they’re macho cats with an appetite for a little celestially mandated blood letting. So I say this with the utmost um respect, I guess (better put, I don’t want no trouble), but what in the hell is going on with this cat?!

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On Monday, the Department of Defense released a story and pictures about a disguised group of insurgents. Soldiers manning a checkpoint near Baghdad stopped a wedding convoy to find that the purported bride and groom were wanted terror suspects, an Iraqi Defense Ministry official said Monday. As soldiers searched the wedding cars, they found the veiled bride was actually a stubbly-faced man.

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(The flowers were a nice touch though)

Damn. I thought these radical Jihadists didn’t go for that funny shit. I mean, they don’t have a don’t ask don’t tell over there. It’s a don’t ask or I’ll kill. Don’t tell or you’re dead.

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(Even their nerds get gangsta with it)

Still, you just know they got some gay radical cats over there. What can you do? Let’s face it, there are gays in every walk of life.  So you gotta wonder which dude volunteers to rock the dress in a super conservative culture. Hmmm. Maybe Rudy Giuliani can answer that one.

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At any rate, this is pretty terrible and a clear violation of Rule No. 1.

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Damn son, get up off the ground and stop looking at me like that. Terrible.

Upon hearing the news of the man dressed as a woman, Senator Larry Craig, Republican from Idaho, immediately boarded a plane to Iraq to “investigate” the situation.

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Word on the street is that he wants to “liberate” this young “bride” with a one-on-one interrogation, preferably next to a urinal.

– Lake

What’s up with Tracy Morgan?

November 16, 2007

More proof to my theory that in order to be truly hilarious, like genius level, you have to actually be crazy. Like, on the brink, can’t function normally, got a screw loose, aint right, all wrong, self medicating, chemically imbalanced and just all together fucking loony kind of crazy.

We saw it with Martin Lawrence‘s crazy ass sitting in the middle of the LA Freeway in a plastic track suit with a bag of twizzlers and a .45, we saw it with Eddie picking up that he-she, getting Mel B. preggers and just generally having that weird ass look on his face that says “I aint right” ever since Boomerang, and of course we saw it from Dave Chappelle’s $50 million peace out/back to Africa tour. Now, we see a glimpse of it again. I ask you, what in the hell was Tracy Morgan doing? I guess the craziness is proportional with the funniness, so TM is only but so crazy.. See, if he had Richard Pryor’s skills, he would have been trying to hit ole girl when she leaned up on him.

– Lake

Internet Sensation: 2 Girls 1 Cup

November 10, 2007

I guess I’m a little late to this twisted party, but this…uhhhhh…shit, is craaaaazy. So here’s the deal. You absolutely should not go to the website http://www.2girls1cup.com, found here. Seriously, don’t go. DEFINITELY DO NOT GO AT WORK, don’t go on your momma’s computer. Don’t go if your girlfriend is sitting next to you on the couch. Don’t go if you love Jesus. Don’t go if you are eating. Don’t go if you are planning on eating any time in the next few hours. Don’t go if you have a photographic memory. Are we clear? OK, if you gotta go, I’ll let you know when to go. At least you will know what you are getting into.

Yeah, you wish this was the real 2 girls 1 cup.

So 2 girls 1 cup is literally the most disgusting thing on the internet. I mean the description is disgusting. In fact, I won’t even describe it. Just watch this: a video of someone watching it for the first time.

Now see, you know it is terrible right? In fact, there is an entire underground section of youtube devoted to cats watching this for the first time. Need to know more? Try this:

Can you figure out what’s going on? Fine, this dude does a running commentary:

A little disturbing that this dude smiles and laughs through the whole thing when everyone else could barely watch it. Nice hair buddy.

Fine so now you have an idea of what goes on in the video. If you want to go see it, feel free to go to the site or click the link above. You definitely don’t need to see it for this last piece to be funny, but here is a parody called 2 guys 1 cup by singer, John Mayer, and Sherrod Small from Best Week Ever. This gives you a good idea of the real video and is hilarious.

I guess that settles the controversy of what is in Pinkberry. If Pinkberry is 2 girls 1 cup flavored, I’d rather eat the Soylent Green.

This is a party I don’t mind being late to.

-Brock

P.S. You didn’t go watch it did you? If so, are your eyes done burning yet?

This just aint right…

October 26, 2007

Hey, I know Heidi Klum and Seal are happily married with children and I support it. But something just aint right about this damn picture.

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Memo to all biracial couples with children: You just don’t do stuff like this. This kid looks like Carrot top on his way to a minstrel show. It’s embarrassing, degrading and down right hilarious. Dammit, make it stop. They need to publish a biracial handbook or something to help these moms out here deal with black hair and racial sterotyping, in that order please.

Even Randy and Simon had to weigh in on this one.

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Yikes

– Lake