That’s right people, the drought is almost over. I’m not talking about the lakes in Georgia and North Carolina. I’m not talking about tropical storm Fay working over Florida. I’m talking about the fact that Football season is coming to improve Sportscenter so we don’t have to suffer through baseball highlights every night, and I can’t wait. In fact, I’ve already been watching preseason. Side note, if you have HBO, you’ve got to peep that Dallas Cowboys “Hard Knocks”. Here’s the best part of Episode 1.
You gotta love that T.O. He blazes Pacman errrr Adam Jones on a double move and Pacman starts complaining. T.O. just hits him with “Hell, I’m working on my shit”. That is why you gotta love T.O. Sure it has been two years so he is due to try to blow up the Cowboys any day now, but as long as Wade Phillips is smart enough to keep T.O. as a central part of the offense, maybe eveything will be fine.
Anyway, back to the subject, the Us Versus Them fantasy football draft was last night. It is a 12 man league, most cats come to the table prepared, we even ran the big board.
(white woman not included)
but of course we have all the fantasy football stereotypes.
Not Prepared Guy: This is the asshole that shows up with a list with the top 50 players on it, some pocket lint, a pack of twizzlers and no fuckin clue what he is doing. You gotta love and hate this guy. You love him because it means he’s going to clear out some bullshit players and you are going to come up on some cats you might not have had a shot on. Then you hate him because he ends up trying to jack your resources once he realizes he doesn’t know anyone who plays football other than Tom Brady, Randy Moss, T.O. and Ladanian Tomlinson.
Best Player Available Guy: You always feel bad for this dude. There is always one cat drafting in a position where he never really gets to player he wants so he ends up settling for a player that isn’t quite as good. Then suddenly he looks up and his entire squad ain’t shit. You know, waiting for Drew Brees and ends up with Derek Anderson. Wants Marion Barber and ends up with Willis McGahee. This guy actually knows what he’s doing, he just can’t catch a break.
The “Is Adrian Peterson Available?” in the fifth round Guy: No. No he’s not.
2006 All-Star team guy: This is the cat who is semi-prepared but always falls for the big name. Unfortunately he ends up taking cats who were hot two years ago. You know Matt Hasselbeck, Rudi Johnson, Marvin Harrison, takes Adam Vinatieri in the 8th round. Just generally messing up.
Overprepared Guy: This dude is running algorythms and peeping bye weeks for the entire 15 rounds. Listen player, it is round 13. It isn’t going to make or break you if you are going to pick up your handcuff RB or a shitty backup TE mmmkay? Just pick. You aren’t a damn clairvoyant, and fantasy football is 50% luck and alchemy anyway. Just order another beer and have a good time. Thanks.
Always Fucking Up Guy: This is usually Lake, although he put together a strong run this year. This is the cat who’s computer can’t connect. His phone drops. Slow to pick. HIlarious.
Drafting Last Guy: This year this was me. I don’t care what anyone says, there is no advantage. It sucks. Ok? It sucks.
Anyway here’s my squad:
Bears Defense…awwwwwwwwwww I’m fucked. I don’t even want to go any further. I told you it sucks to draft last.
I’ll be watching my NFL Sunday Ticket in the man cave. So I can watch my downfall in HD with all the games on simultaneously. At least I’ll enjoy myself. Can’t wait for the first big hit.
Football season baby, let’s go.