Are You Ready For Some (Fantasy) Football?


That’s right people, the drought is almost over.  I’m not talking about the lakes in Georgia and North Carolina.  I’m not talking about tropical storm Fay working over Florida.  I’m talking about the fact that Football season is coming to improve Sportscenter so we don’t have to suffer through baseball highlights every night, and I can’t wait.  In fact, I’ve already been watching preseason.  Side note, if you have HBO, you’ve got to peep that Dallas Cowboys “Hard Knocks”.  Here’s the best part of Episode 1.

You gotta love that T.O.  He blazes Pacman errrr Adam Jones on a double move and Pacman starts complaining.  T.O. just hits him with “Hell, I’m working on my shit”.  That is why you gotta love T.O.  Sure it has been two years so he is due to try to blow up the Cowboys any day now, but as long as Wade Phillips is smart enough to keep T.O. as a central part of the offense, maybe eveything will be fine.

Anyway, back to the subject, the Us Versus Them fantasy football draft was last night.  It is a 12 man league, most cats come to the table prepared, we even ran the big board.

(white woman not included)

but of course we have all the fantasy football stereotypes.

Not Prepared Guy:  This is the asshole that shows up with a list with the top 50 players on it, some pocket lint, a pack of twizzlers and no fuckin clue what he is doing.  You gotta love and hate this guy.  You love him because it means he’s going to clear out some bullshit players and you are going to come up on some cats you might not have had a shot on.  Then you hate him because he ends up trying to jack your resources once he realizes he doesn’t know anyone who plays football other than Tom Brady, Randy Moss, T.O. and Ladanian Tomlinson.

Best Player Available Guy: You always feel bad for this dude.  There is always one cat drafting in a position where he never really gets to player he wants so he ends up settling for a player that isn’t quite as good.  Then suddenly he looks up and his entire squad ain’t shit.  You know, waiting for Drew Brees and ends up with Derek Anderson.  Wants Marion Barber and ends up with Willis McGahee.  This guy actually knows what he’s doing, he just can’t catch a break.

The “Is Adrian Peterson Available?” in the fifth round Guy:  No.  No he’s not.

2006 All-Star team guy:  This is the cat who is semi-prepared but always falls for the big name.  Unfortunately he ends up taking cats who were hot two years ago.  You know Matt Hasselbeck, Rudi Johnson, Marvin Harrison, takes Adam Vinatieri in the 8th round.  Just generally messing up.

Overprepared Guy:  This dude is running algorythms and peeping bye weeks for the entire 15 rounds.  Listen player, it is round 13.  It isn’t going to make or break you if you are going to pick up your handcuff RB or a shitty backup TE mmmkay?  Just pick.  You aren’t a damn clairvoyant, and fantasy football is 50% luck and alchemy anyway.  Just order another beer and have a good time.  Thanks.

Always Fucking Up Guy:  This is usually Lake, although he put together a strong run this year.  This is the cat who’s computer can’t connect.  His phone drops.  Slow to pick.  HIlarious.

Drafting Last Guy:  This year this was me.  I don’t care what anyone says, there is no advantage.  It sucks.  Ok?  It sucks.

Anyway here’s my squad:

Peyton Manning

Randy Moss

Michael Turner

Ronnie Brown

Vincent Jackson

Chris Chambers

Bears Defense…awwwwwwwwwww I’m fucked.  I don’t even want to go any further.  I told you it sucks to draft last.

I’ll be watching my NFL Sunday Ticket in the man cave.  So I can watch my downfall in HD with all the games on simultaneously.  At least I’ll enjoy myself.  Can’t wait for the first big hit.

Football season baby, let’s go.


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5 Responses to “Are You Ready For Some (Fantasy) Football?”

  1. otis Says:

    thats crazy im on my 3rd draft i picked first in one draft and third in the ither. the only advantage of pickin last is that u get 2 picks in a row but u have to take advantage of the first two picks u get cause its a long time till round 3. this was my squad when i got the number 1 pick

    1. (1) Adrian Peterson RB
    2. (20) Maurice Jones-Drew RB
    3. (21) Braylon Edwards WR
    4. (40) Anquan Boldin WR
    5. (41) Calvin Johnson WR
    6. (60) Donovan McNabb QB
    7. (61) Tony Gonzalez TE
    8. (80) Laveranues Coles WR

    not that bad but if peterson has a bad year im dead oh well im trustin mcflab doesnt blow it but if he does i got cutler

    this is my other team it was a keeper league so i had my top 4 picks i like em cause if u have a sucky team like i did u can rebuild with other players but if u have a good team it sucks cause u have to break em up

    1. (4) LaDainian Tomlinson RB
    2. (17) Drew Brees QB
    3. (24) Steve Smith WR
    4. (37) Jeremy Shockey TE
    5. (44) T.J. Houshmandzadeh WR
    6. (57) David Garrard QB
    7. (64) Tony Gonzalez TE
    8. (77) Donald Driver WR
    9. (84) Felix Jones RB
    10. (97) Patrick Crayton WR

    im hopin my wrs step up and lead the team and ill have to hope LT can get it done.

    yall should have made a fantasy league i think it would have been fun

  2. Stizzo Says:

    lol @ pacman gettin upset at the double move. pac knows the double moves are cheap since the safety would normally have time to get to T.O., but there’s no safety out there.

    actually i don’t know, i just made that stuff up. don’t you hate that guy at your sunday afternoon football party that pretends like he actually knows what’s going on? everyone is just trying to drink beer and watch and he’s like “THATS ZONE DEFENSE RIGHT RIGHT WATCH OUT FOR THE HOLES IN THE D”

  3. KIR in NV Says:

    @Stizzo: Yes, we all hate the Party Foul Guy. Interrupting everybody else’s enjoyment of the games with some dumbass “observations”. STFU. Unfortunately he’s usually somebody’s lil brother or cousin or some shit so dude tags along to all the peeps’ events – invited or not.

    And Overprepared Guy? Try channelling that focus on something besides your imaginary life as a GM. Like, I dunno, your ACTUAL life. I don’t need to see you walking around the office all sad on Monday morning because your RB underperformed. Sheesh.

  4. Slick Jefferson Says:

    Slick’s draft is still a couple days away. It’s odd how nerve-wracking it can be, but how much fun it is feeling all those nerves. I’m generally Runs Out of Gas Guy: I hit the first five rounds with fire, but don’t have enough juice to know who’s the third WR on Jacksonville that’s getting extra reps this year ’cause numbers one and two just had babies with blonde chicks and are due for a downturn.

    I try to make hay during the season with trades and free agents…. but, well, is there anything more annoying than listening to another dude talk about his fantasy team?

  5. Be On It Says:

    Oh my god, just bring on the football already. Why does fantasy football strike me as Dungeons and Dragons for more normal guys? Am I missing something? But, if you like it, I love it.

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