Assology 101

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I mentioned a few posts ago that I have a masters in Assology. It allows me to identify a tight booty from 20 paces. I can see it coming, identify it from any angle. Hell, tell me where a girl was born, her favorite food, and two hobbies and I can take a pretty good guess. I love ass. I look at every ass I see. You’ve gotta hone your skills in the field. With Lauren London and Beyonce causing a bit of controversy here at UvT, I decided to let you know how to analyze that ass on your own. Pay attention kids, Professor Hardon is about to lay it down for you.

We’re gonna keep it simple. Let’s just talk about how to identify the various types of ass:

Negative arse:

We’ve covered the negative arse here at UvT plenty of times. It is the easiest to spot, but here’s how to identify the details.

flat-butt.jpg

Okay, here’s the back view. I mean this chick goes shoulders to knee with no interruption whatsoever. There is no tuck on the top, no tuck on the bottom.  Damn, this babe looks like she might not even have an ass crack.  What does that look like from the side, you ask?

flat-butt-side.jpg

Yeah, as I said…you could run your hand down her back trying to cup an ass cheek run right past it. You probably wouldn’t know you made a wrong turn until you feel the back of her heel.

The negative arse babe is really limited to skinny chicks. When a babe with no ass packs on too much weight, you end up with the dreaded muffin top.

muffin-top.jpg

Whew. Muffin tops are a real debacle, and that babe has been baking all day. I mean the only reason you even think there is an ass under there is the fact that the waistband of the jeans cuts that back fat off at an arbitrary point. Terrible, these muffin top chicks have to know this isn’t acceptable, right?

Here’s where it gets fun.

Athletic ass:

Let’s start here with Jessica Alba in jeans.

alba-jeans.jpg

You know the body is tight up under there. She gives you a little hook in the booty, legs stay tight (always key for the ass, thighs and calves play an important role in evaluation. What you see is what you get here.

thick-white.jpg

Clothes on, or clothes off…this is the sweet spot. This is the best a white babe can work toward, it means she was a dancer or athlete at some point. As I said, you can see it all the way through the thigh. That is how you get built up like Biel.

biel.jpg

As I said, you can’t trust a White chick with more body than this. You start venturing into Brooke Hogan, Coco T territory after this point. Unfortunately some of the brothers who like the crossover game don’t heed the warnings of Professor Brock and think they’ve found the “thick white girl”, built just like a sister.

In reality you just get “in them jeans” girl who is packed in too tight. An example you say?

Packed and Stacked in those pants ass:

thick-white-girl.jpg

I know, I know, she’s thick right? Naaaaaaah meng. That calf lets you know you are in trouble from the start, by time you get to that thigh with narum a definition you know that those khaki shorts are hiding a dirty secret. I get it, you watch chicks walking down the street and see this:

thick-in-jeans.jpg

But you get em butt naked and you get this:

bad-butt.jpg

These babes have all kinds of tricks, you gotta know when it is too good to be true! Turn back before you get caught up.

Now there is a level beyond this. The holy grail if you will. As I said, it is a level of ass unachievable by the white woman, the in them jeans babe is a dirty doppelganger of the real deal.

Thick ass:

This is only achievable by black chicks. Sorry, it’s genetics. No fat, just pure muscle covered in silky smooth perfection. Check this:

thick.jpg

I mean look how strong she is through the calves and knees, how the back tightens right back up at the top. Pure perfection here fellas.

The lesson should end here today, but there is yet another level. I don’t advocate it but some cats love it.

The Superthick:

deelishis.jpg

Now you know that isn’t right. If you ever need to identify what you’re working with the key is in those knees. You see that extra layer of love on the inside. Stay back. That extra booty fat also shuts down the crease. If you can’t see the back dimples, put down the butt cheek. It isn’t going to turn out well.

Back later with more advanced lessons.

-Brock


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10 Responses to “Assology 101”

  1. Rosy Says:

    Wow, Brock you really do have a Phd on this topic. After you brought the evidence on Beyonce I knew your research was legit.

  2. RosyF Says:

    LMAO at “That babe has been baking all day” – Classic

  3. Brock Hardon Says:

    Rosy F, I’m still waiting to find out where you land on the continuum.

  4. Lake Arlington Says:

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. RosyF Says:

    C’mon Prof. Hardon don’t let that Univ. of Phoenix Online degree get to your head. I’m a just a student trying to learn the ways of UvT. Based on your analysis, the Beyone arch, and some airbrushing you can go ahead and hand me my UvT certificate.

    Lake, I would like that framed, homey.

  6. LaToyia Says:

    That is funny as hell! Where does the Beyonce ass fall in the continuum? I’m thinking Azzareya.

    RosyF

    Darlin, I’m a black woman who buys, sells and trades stocks and bonds on the market for my clients: STOCKBROKER…um….yes. I have no degree at all, just natural talent and a whole lot of genius! However I don’t have a problem with this b/c I basically have a perfect body. I’m not bragging, I just happen to fit into to the new and current standard of beauty…that’s all. In 1998, I would say that I was called “fat-ass” by media standards. But that tight, perky ass and thick, strong thighs like a stallion sure did propel me down many a track field or a swimming lane into first place! LOL!

  7. Lake Arlington Says:

    LaToyia, care to share? We need your pictorial input!!

  8. Hip Hop 101: Hip Hop Decoded! « Us Versus Them Says:

    […] Hop 101: Hip Hop Decoded! I’ve already brought you a short class on Assology.  There will be another lesson upcoming for the Spring Semester with a deeper look into the tail […]

  9. ILUVME Says:

    JUST BEACUSE A BITCH IS BLACK DON’T MEAN THAT SHE DIDN’T HAVE HER ASS DONE…. ARE OU REALLY A ASSOLOGIST?

  10. this is a joke right? Says:

    lets hope this is a purely a joke and at no time was he really analyzing whether or not black girls are genetically predisposed to thick asses or not.

    from my experience, the only difference between black and white is a cultural inclination to be loud and have a lot of attitude.

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