Posts Tagged ‘Assology’

Assology 102: Point of Clarification

March 1, 2008

I just want to follow up on the subject of Rihanna. She may in fact have a “magician” booty (now you see it, now you don’t), but she can still get it.

rihanna-hit-it.jpg

Oh yes, she can still get it.

-Brock

Assology 102: Rihanna Case Study

February 28, 2008

You know your boy Brock wouldn’t let you down. I promised I was going to the lab to develop my 2008 Assology curriculum and I’m back with Assology 102.

We need to take the lessons to the streets, apply what we’ve learned to the real world. The ladies can throw out some real curveballs on you so you’ve got to be prepared. Lake threw Rihanna in the mix last week with this picture.

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Well damn, that is hard to argue with right there. That waist to ass ratio is strong. Let’s go ahead and match that up with her album cover.

rihannagoodgirlgonebad.jpg

I mean she leans all the way back into that boy to prop that thang up. All good, right? Not quite my friends, lets take a closer look.

rihanna-no-ass.jpg

Awww naw, hail naw mang. What the hell is that? What happened? Here is the first principle of Assology: a single tuck does not make a great ass. I mean the set up coming out of the waist is phemonenal, but damn that finish is terrible. You gotta stick the landing, you gotta finish what you started, you gotta tuck that ass back in! I mean those legs are silky smooth like the negative arse chick.

For the math freaks out there, the proper ass to waist ratio can be found with the following formula A>1.64W, where A=ass, W=waist and A does not exceed 2.1W. Angel Lola Luv, I’m coming for you with my tape measure.

Can I get a glute, can I get a crease, can I get a hamstring? What does a properly tucked ass look like? Vida, can you come out here please?

vida-guerra-butt-crease.jpg

Don’t get me wrong, like our drunk cousin h8torade likes to say…when it comes to Rihanna, I’d hit it. Chris Breezay and his sthpesshial star tattoo ain’t got nothing on Brock. By time I got done she might have a double tuck. But that ass ain’t all right. Chris Rock doesn’t care though, he’d hit it too.

-Brock

====================Update====================

‘Bout time Brock got back to work!!!!  We don’t give you that much vacation.

Damn, that one pic with the lean back should be called “good ass gone missing”.. WTF?  Maybe she does rock the ass pads, because she’s looking Grrrrrrrrrrreat in that Forest Green number.   What you need to add to your analysis is whether there is a link between the her missing ass syndrome and her chronic inability to dance!  I mean, I aint never seen a chick with ass who can’t dance and I aint eva seen a babe from the Carribean that can’t dance.  Two strikes.  Chris Brown may in fact be hitting it right, but just because he’s rocking it like “the hit maker” doesn’t mean she’s brining that thunder, ether physically or metaphysically (I said it!)….

Assology 101

November 30, 2007

I mentioned a few posts ago that I have a masters in Assology. It allows me to identify a tight booty from 20 paces. I can see it coming, identify it from any angle. Hell, tell me where a girl was born, her favorite food, and two hobbies and I can take a pretty good guess. I love ass. I look at every ass I see. You’ve gotta hone your skills in the field. With Lauren London and Beyonce causing a bit of controversy here at UvT, I decided to let you know how to analyze that ass on your own. Pay attention kids, Professor Hardon is about to lay it down for you.

We’re gonna keep it simple. Let’s just talk about how to identify the various types of ass:

Negative arse:

We’ve covered the negative arse here at UvT plenty of times. It is the easiest to spot, but here’s how to identify the details.

flat-butt.jpg

Okay, here’s the back view. I mean this chick goes shoulders to knee with no interruption whatsoever. There is no tuck on the top, no tuck on the bottom.  Damn, this babe looks like she might not even have an ass crack.  What does that look like from the side, you ask?

flat-butt-side.jpg

Yeah, as I said…you could run your hand down her back trying to cup an ass cheek run right past it. You probably wouldn’t know you made a wrong turn until you feel the back of her heel.

The negative arse babe is really limited to skinny chicks. When a babe with no ass packs on too much weight, you end up with the dreaded muffin top.

muffin-top.jpg

Whew. Muffin tops are a real debacle, and that babe has been baking all day. I mean the only reason you even think there is an ass under there is the fact that the waistband of the jeans cuts that back fat off at an arbitrary point. Terrible, these muffin top chicks have to know this isn’t acceptable, right?

Here’s where it gets fun.

Athletic ass:

Let’s start here with Jessica Alba in jeans.

alba-jeans.jpg

You know the body is tight up under there. She gives you a little hook in the booty, legs stay tight (always key for the ass, thighs and calves play an important role in evaluation. What you see is what you get here.

thick-white.jpg

Clothes on, or clothes off…this is the sweet spot. This is the best a white babe can work toward, it means she was a dancer or athlete at some point. As I said, you can see it all the way through the thigh. That is how you get built up like Biel.

biel.jpg

As I said, you can’t trust a White chick with more body than this. You start venturing into Brooke Hogan, Coco T territory after this point. Unfortunately some of the brothers who like the crossover game don’t heed the warnings of Professor Brock and think they’ve found the “thick white girl”, built just like a sister.

In reality you just get “in them jeans” girl who is packed in too tight. An example you say?

Packed and Stacked in those pants ass:

thick-white-girl.jpg

I know, I know, she’s thick right? Naaaaaaah meng. That calf lets you know you are in trouble from the start, by time you get to that thigh with narum a definition you know that those khaki shorts are hiding a dirty secret. I get it, you watch chicks walking down the street and see this:

thick-in-jeans.jpg

But you get em butt naked and you get this:

bad-butt.jpg

These babes have all kinds of tricks, you gotta know when it is too good to be true! Turn back before you get caught up.

Now there is a level beyond this. The holy grail if you will. As I said, it is a level of ass unachievable by the white woman, the in them jeans babe is a dirty doppelganger of the real deal.

Thick ass:

This is only achievable by black chicks. Sorry, it’s genetics. No fat, just pure muscle covered in silky smooth perfection. Check this:

thick.jpg

I mean look how strong she is through the calves and knees, how the back tightens right back up at the top. Pure perfection here fellas.

The lesson should end here today, but there is yet another level. I don’t advocate it but some cats love it.

The Superthick:

deelishis.jpg

Now you know that isn’t right. If you ever need to identify what you’re working with the key is in those knees. You see that extra layer of love on the inside. Stay back. That extra booty fat also shuts down the crease. If you can’t see the back dimples, put down the butt cheek. It isn’t going to turn out well.

Back later with more advanced lessons.

-Brock