Posts Tagged ‘Tiger Woods’

US Open Champ: Tiger Woods

June 17, 2008

I told you he was a killer.

Stone.  Cold.  Killer.

Tiger wins…again.


Man Up Monday: Rocco Mediate

June 16, 2008

Or is that Rocco Mightaswellnotevenshowup?

Okay, let’s start with the important stuff.  First of all, you can’t win a major sporting event rocking mom dockers and a peace sign belt.  Look, I want peace too, but at what cost?  The price you are paying is way too high.  Don’t golf courses had dress codes?  You know, collared shirt tucked in, no metal spikes, no denim…all the bases are covered.  They don’t feel the need to get all the way down to the details of “you must wear shoes”, “no tank tops” and “no flip-flops” because all those rules are assumed.  Well, I have to believe the peace sign belt and the extra high rise mom khaki’s have to be on that assumed list.  Which is really bad because this outfit is completely acceptable:

Now Payne (R.I.P) made it look good, but that joint is ridiculous in the streets.

Back to Rocco’s second issue.  Anyone leading a major championship who is within 3 strokes of Tiger Woods always suffers from “The Tiger Effect”.  It means that as they are playing their final round on Sunday they hear the wild cheers and they see Tiger charging up that leaderboard and they start gripping up and losing strokes.  That is if it just happens on the same day.  Rocco got to sleep on it last night.  Talk about pressure.  You are the 157th player in the world and you have an 18 hole playoff against the baddest golfer in the history of the world.

I know how you feel Rocco.  The commentators only had 20 hours or so to whip out all the sports clichés.  “Rocco has nothing to lose”.  “Tiger has a bad wheel”.  “Rocco has the chance of a lifetime”.  “Tiger will be worn out because he is going into the fifth day of his first tournament since his surgery”.  Whatever.  Tiger is coming for blood and he’s a straight killer.  Rocco is going to be paired up with him and watching him play all day too? 

You can’t watch that all day and keep your head.  Does Tiger wear red on playoff day too? 

Rocco, I hope you got a good nights sleep last night (you didn’t), I hope you ate your Wheaties, I hope you’ve got the Rocky theme on repeat on your iPod and you watched the ’04 Red Sox vs. the Yankees, the Giants vs. the Patriots, the Miracle on Ice, and Angel Lola Luv vs. Gravity because you are going to need to serious inspiration.

Man up Rocco.  This is the chance of a lifetime.



Man Up Monday: Tiger Woods…Make it all Golfers

April 14, 2008

So some guy named Trevor Immelman won the Masters.  It was like a tree falling in the forest when no one was there to hear it…it didn’t make a sound.

First of all.  That badly tailored Green sportcoat with the gold buttons has to be the worst “trophy” in sports.  Seriously, I like my gear European cut and custom fitted, and gold buttons are a no no.  They clash with my platinum.  Anyway, how do I know Immelman doesn’t matter?   Because every sports anchor tried their best to hype up every one other than Trevor Immelman.  Until Sunday morning they even tried to talk about this guy:

I don’t even know what this guy’s name is.  Sneakerder, Snedecker…something.  Is that a Bridgestone visor?  Does he think this is Nascar?  This dude was 9 under to Immelman’s 11 under…a full four strokes ahead of everyone else and ended up finishing third.  To a guy that scored par on the last day.  Oh right, and by that guy I mean Tiger Woods.

No red shirts and big smiles today.  Tiger basically had one good day at the Masters.  The rest of the time he played par golf, and still finished second. I can’ tell if that means he’s a badass or if everyone else sucks.  Either way, when you are the baddest man on the planet you gotta finish.  Let’s be honest, golf isn’t golf without Tiger Woods.  When he was eight strokes back and it looked like he had no shot in hell, commentators resorted to actually talking about Phil Mickelson as a viable potential winner.  I loved it.  Lefty was at five under going into Saturday and someone actually said he was “just where he wanted to be”.  Yeah, if by just where he wanted to be you mean Friday with no pressure on him.  Phil might actually win a few of these things it if was always Friday.  Everyone seemed to forget that before he won his two majors he was the most notorious chokers in the history of sports.

Hey I get it, the sport isn’t that interesting and not great to watch.  Look when you are supposed to dress like this:

and you can still be good at a sport when you look like this:

You might have some problem convincing people your sport is great.  I guy that shoots a 76 on Sunday and still wins a major is just not inspiring to me.  That’s not what you call finishing strong.  Call me crazy.

Golf and all the golfers in the sport…

Man Up!


Tiger Woods Mauls the PGA

March 20, 2008

When people thought of golf, they used to think of this:


White man, white fans, they’ve even got the American flag flying in the background. Black people were caddies and on the maintenance crew. Well, that’s changed. Here was the scene this weekend.


Oh hell yeah. Mind you, this is after Tiger drained a 30 foot putt and spiked his hat to the turf like he just broke a 30 yard run between the tackles. This was not what people want to see. Especially since he was won every tournament he’s played in this season. Look Tiger, here is the only way the PGA wants to see you.


Hell at UvT we know you need to remind people how dominant you are…flex on em homey.


Look, Tiger might go ahead and win all four majors this year, The way he’s going, he might try to win all of the tournaments that he’s in this year. Jack Nicklaus as 18 majors and 73 tour wins. Tiger has 13 majors and 64 wins. At the pace he’s going, he should have the record by uhhhhh, long about next Tuesday. He really doesn’t want anyone else to win this season. Tiger is staying up in that gym, he’s going to be breaking out the 500 yard drives and 80 foot puts from the bunkers. We got an exclusive picture of Tiger’s latest workout routine.


That’s right, Tiger’s on swole and ready to roll.


I repeat Kelly Tilghman should be FIRED!

January 17, 2008

Oh yes, I saw the cover of Golfweek with that little publicity grab.


Something tells me that some of these golf fans out here enjoyed that imagery a little more than they were supposed to. Anyway, nothing changes in my book. I agree that we should all just move on and I want to, believe me. I’ll move on when these fools at the Golf Channel take the high road and fire Kelly’s country fried ass for what she said about lynching Tiger Woods and no I don’t give a hot damn what his publicist said about it being a non issue. Shit, it’s an issue to me, so let Tiger do his thing while I do mine.


Remember, when it first came out that she suggested those other golfers lynch Tiger, the Gold Channel said they weren’t going to discipline her at all! I wonder why… Clearly that kind of language is acceptable over at the Golf Channel, perhaps even familiar?


Now they want points because under the threat of Al Sharpton’s rabble rousing they come out and give her a two week long vacation errr suspension with pay?


I know, I know, she meant nothing by it. Right and muthafuckas who roll around with swastikas don’t mean shit by what they do and say either.


In fact, let’s run that video back. I want to see that joint again.

What’s worse? If she meant to be a bit provocative and off color (no bigot)*** or if she said that and was oblivious to that fact that it was a deeply offensive, historically grounded remark that just so happened to intersect with the worlds first star black golfer? You see my point, either way she’s a mufucker. And does anyone in this world believe that a “southern bell” from Myrtle Beach SOUTH CAROLINA who is damn near 40 years old doesn’t know that lynching remarks are offensive?


Give me a break. The people out there that are saying it’s not that bad are either 1. unfamiliar with Southern culture or 2. accepting of overtly racist remarks. In other words, to all you Kelly Tilghman defenders, you either don’t know what you’re talking about and so I say, fuck you, or you DO know and just don’t give a fuck that she said that and then I really say, Fuck you.

Incidentally, now’s the time when you all should just put on Tupac’s hit “Git em Up (Take Money” to really understand where I’m coming from. In fact, I’ll just link that instrumental and keep going. Just hit play and keep reading.

Either way, like O Dog getting ready to go handle some marks where they rest at, I aint lettin that shit ride. Fuck Kelly Tilghman! I’d rather go to the Johannesburg, South African Grand Opening of The Great Debaters in a Dashiki with Reade Seligmann and Collin Finnerty than let that chick keep her job. I’d rather do the Soldier Bwoy (gay version) along side Trent Lott while we play weekend at Bernie’s with the hell crisp’d corpse of Strom Thurmond propped up in the DJ Booth with Kanye’s Stronger Shades on than let that chick get away with that shit!!!!


Kelly, take yo’ ass to Tar Baby’s Family Pancakes, order the Git Er Done Flap Jacks Supreme with extra syrup, eat em down real good, then shine that plate up real nice, be sure to get all that confectionary sugar too until it’s spic-n-span clean right, turn that plate sideways and stick it straight up your candy ass!!! Can I get a “hell yeah” in two part harmony from Dr. Dre tweaking on HGH and my man Larry Zane in Manhattan as I say it again:

Fuck Kelly Tilghman.


– Lake

*** The parenthetical use of “(no bigot)” is when a person says something that might be considered playing on color or race, but it’s not. I borrowed it from the ubiquitous (no homo).. Which I never use but love to see used, especially by cats who are probably gay, like Cam’ron. Of course, like “no homo” the problem with “no bigot” is that if you’re using the term and recognize it as bigoted and still go forward, then you really are being bigoted, right? Then again, maybe I’ll just chuckle after I crack a hot racist blast and then Brock will only suspend me for 2 weeks like ole Kelly Tilghman got.