The Dumbest Person in Survivor and Perhaps World History

I was out late last night taking in the DJing skill of Questlove, so I missed my standard Thursday night line-up of Maury Povich (lol), Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites and Lost. So I just now got to see this fool Erik get talked into giving up his individual immunity necklace for no damn reason, only to get immediately VOTED OUT of the game and di-rect-itally into the smack down hotel.

Yo, it was just unbelievable. Never in your life have you seen the intersection of such a nice, naive/trusting and STUPID person than this dude. I mean, watching this guy let’s me know exactly how George W. Bush got re-elected. We live in a Nation Full of Eriks!!! What an idiot. The only thing that matters in Survivor is NOT getting voted off. This cat Erik has been winning challenge after challenge. The women who were left on the Island told him, point blank, that they wanted him gone. Worse, this season has been particularly replete with all kinds of underhanded back stabbing surprises. So why in the HELL would this fool allow himself to get talked into giving up hard fought Immunity? I mean, if you’ve EVER seen this show, just peep how this cat gets worked over. You don’t have to know anything else BUT that he’s got Immunity, this other broad doesn’t and he’s by far the biggest physical threat left in the game.

I mean, that is just CLASSIC. What an asshole. And he’s a fan of the show too!!! Like, how can you not know that a bunch of chicks would want YOU, a dude who continues to whoop ass in challenges, out of the game? I hate to say it, but with stupidity like that, you got what you deserved.

Enjoy that budding Ice Cream Scooper career (no lie), NOT winning the Million Dollars and being known as one of the biggest dumb asses in Survivor, Reality TV and World history.. Damn. By the way, the Finale is on Sunday and I definitely will be watching. I’ve got to go ahead and put my money on Parvati to cut down the nets.

Oh yes, Parv is the best.

- Lake

Nick Cannon & Mariah = WTF of the Century

Jesus take the wheel. Lake and KIR in NV from the comments you might both need to check the estimates on the divorce countdown, because when Nick Cannon commits to his second fiance in two years…he REALLY commits. Check this out:

wtf? WTF?!?!?!?!?!!!!111111one1!1! WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THAT? Is this dude serious? I originally thought that was some thugged out joint he got a long time ago. Nah player…that joint says “Mariah”. First of all, let’s get down to the basics. There is no reason. Not never. For a grown man to have the name Mariah written across his back in four inch tall letters from shoulder to shoulder. Second, you just don’t do that shit. At least do something that you can cover up later without looking like you’ve been in San Quentin for 23 years. Oh, and Mariah got one too.

A Butterfly, her icon for years that says “Mrs. Cannon” down the middle…oh and by the way she can cover that shit with a butterfly thorax in about three minutes when this wild ass relationship is over and it will look like it was never there.

What is Nick going to do? Start in one arm pit and write out “Where’s the gyM…ARrrr…I…AHhh don’t know” stretching over to the other armpit?

Dumbass. I guess Celebrity Love makes you do some crazy ass things. My hope is that it was like a game show.

Mariah: Nick you can either marry me and sign this little 80 page prenuptual agreement or we can’t do it.

Nick: But I love you girl. I want to be with you forever!

Mariah: How do I know that? I don’t know that. You can’t prove that to me. How about this, why don’t you go to the tattoo parlor and get my name tattooed on your back in big ass letters then we will fly a photographer down and take high res closeups of the tattoo and publish them in the worlds most popular weekly entertainment magazine in the world? Then you share everything I’ve got baby.

Deal or No Deal?

Nick: DEAL!

Even Howie though he should have held out a little bit longer.

And so does Us Versus Them.

-Brock

=============Update===============

Fucking unbelievable. Brock aint never lied about the odd dichotomy between the two tats. That shit is just too overdone.. I mean, who was Nick’s tattoo artist, Raymo from Beat Street? That sit is awful. And how classy is it of Mariah to get that 2008 tramp stamp? Like we haven’t learned about Tat Regret in the last 10 years. Jeez. And what’s with her and the butterfly anyway? Maybe it’s just me, but I hate a butterly (lady bug too). They’re both still nasty to me. A butterfly aint nothing but a house fly’s hood rat cousin with a dope ass weave. It’s still a nasty pest that I don’t want around. Terrible.

Maaayne, the more I think about it, the more I’m beginning to believe that Nick’s “tat” would wash off like quicker than a dry erase board. Man, that shit aint real. I smell a publicity rat. No man with any damn sense (granted, I can’t speak to his common sense compass) would actually put those size letters on his back.

My bad LeBron. By the way, isn’t it a bit presumptuous for this dude to put “chosen 1″ on his back? I mean, you hoop, it aint like you’re God or something. Come on now. And if you’re “Chosen” then why did the Celtics check your candy ass up out of TD Bank Norf Garden wih the greatest of ease last night. Shit, if you can walk on water, why can’t you hit a damn jumper?! Anyway, back to this tat….this is when you need an older man, preferably your POPS, in your life to just tell your ass “NO, you ARE NOT getting Chosen 1 tattooed on your back, boy…I don’t care what you say, now go downstairs and help your mother straighten the front room up, we’re having company over.”

Anyway, I’m starting not to buy and of this Nick and Mariah bullshit. I think it’s all a joke. I know, any minute now Ashton Kutcher is going to pop out and tell us how he tricked us all.

He’ll warn us against digging into celebrity lives… right? AHNT. Something aint right. We need Kir, who I guess knows this dude personally, to confirm that he could possibly be this clueless. Note that you never actually see them kissing in these pics. I don’t like it. The tat could not be any more overdone and while I probably would tat up for that kind of paper (what can I say?), I don’t think a semi established, somewhat working actor like Nick would do the same. I don’t know. I don’t like it. I have my money on fake wedding, fake tat, fake everything..hell, I’m not even writing this right now….Just wait, they’ll come with some wack “ha ha” we fooled you nonsense in about a month’s time. Terrible.

- Lake

Classic Material: All Cried Out, Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam w/ Full Force

Does it get any better on the R&B Classic tip? Maybe Fire & Desire which might just be the best song ever made. But I dare anyone to find a better moment in R&B than when random dude came in on that second verse with that medium low voice talkin’ about “Never wanted to see things your way”… Oh mannn.. Run it!

Wait did you see that cat’s headgear? Had the curl/sash combo. Now was he from Cult Jam or Full Force? I could never tell. And yes, Lisa Lisa (why the double name?) could have GOTTEN it back then. Oh and look at Lake Sr. getting in there with Lisa..now see, that’s how you know it’s the 80’s… Now that I think about it, that’s kind of terrible. They just had homeboy laid back in the cut, sittin on swole wondering why the smooth YT/ambiguous latino cat got to lay down with Lisa Lisa.

Corny curl/sash/suit combo notwithstanding, this cat was MURDERING this song! That cat’s adlibs were spot on. Tender and thoughtful (no homo) but powerful:

Dude: Oh nooooo, I’m soooo sorry

Lisa: Apology not accepted, add me to the broken hearts you collected!!! Eyeeeeee!

Perfection.

Whoooooooooooooooooooo weeee. That’s crazy.

- Lake

————UPDATE——————

Yo, I can’t stop playing this video.  You talked about the brother with the sash…let’s talk about this other cat.

First of all he has the jheri curl with the beaded rat tail on the left hand side.  But my favorite part has to be that blinged out treble clef broach that cat is rocking on the lapel.  Is that the early precursor to the jesus piece?  Did he walk into a jewelry store and say, “Hey, hey there brother.  I’m going to need you to make me a three and a half inch tall, diamond studded, lapel pin.  Can you put a pin in the top and the bottom so it doesn’t spin around?  Yeah, thanks.  I wan’t to make sure I keep it on the angle.  Yeah, that shit will be fly”.  Then he gets to the set and rocks it with his suit and wife beater combo.  That is fully ridiculous.

Also, you have to let the track run until at least 3:51 when my man from Full Force gets so worked up that he hits you with “I left ya SO confrused”.  Yeah, he sounds confrused as hell.

-Brock

Obama Stays out of the Turrible Gear Hall of Fame

The media went nuts today when Barack Obama rocked jeans for the first time even on the campaign trail.

I like how he busted out the Jet/Ebony male one leg up pose on it. So of course we had to make sure he stayed off of the ARod and MJ, Mom jeans program. After all, the leader of the free world can’t be caught slippin.

Nice, he keeps it respectable. Did you hear the screams in the video? I guess the Huffington Post has taken to calling the moment of ecstasy when a supporter erupts when in the presence of Barack the O-bama face. What does it look like?

and he makes the ladies go…

It looks like that. Brock…errrrrr…Barack drives the women crazy.

-Barock

Snake vs. Cat

I’ve always been intrigued by the idea of an animal kingdom battle royale. You know field 64 animals of various levels of danger and visciousness and pair them off. Who would win? Sure a pride of lions can take down an elephant, but what about one on one? Or crocodile v. panther. If the field was half water?

Snake v. Mongoose is always a classic.

We’ve seen Gator v. Wildebeest. Lion v. Gazelle. But you know you’ve got to mix it up. Throw in things no one would expect. Like this:

What do you know about Little Bitchy Dog v. Crab?  Sure, the crab has no stopping power, but that claw on the left looks dangerous…

…and delicious.

Now this would not have been an intriguing matchup, like a 15 v a 2 seed, but here is one that went down in real life. Kitten v. snake.

LIke I said, we know who wins, but check this out.

Damn, snake caught him feet first…

-Brock

Porn Before the Internet: Kiana Tom Flex Appeal

You want to talk about Classic Material? Let’s talk about early morning/late night ESPN back when ESPN turned into Strongman Competitions and Lumberjack challenges on the weekends. Now they’ve got the 6am Sportscenter, followed by the 7am, 8am, 9am, 10am, 11am and noon editions of Sportscenter. Back in the day, you just had Kiana Tom. Check out this hot girl on girl action.

Kiana knew what the hell she was doing! ESPN knew what they were doing too. They called the show Flex Appeal!  What more do you need to know? Kiana talking about proper form, watching yourself do it in the mirror, and back cleavage?  She’s got the green bra popping up out of the tied up spandex while she “works her pecs”. Then you get the old school early 90’s thong on the outside of the leotard. Look, when you don’t have the free access to porn that you have today (seriously, if you turn off safe search on Google you can enter almost any word in the english language and come up with some bucked nakedness) you throw on some Flex Appeal and those terrible ass movies that USA used to play hosted by Elvira and that was bout as titillating as your multimedia experience was going to get for a youngster.  Back in the day, before the internet…a little flex appeal with all the spandex and the legs got the blood pumping.

She keeps it looking good. All that working out, all that lifting and she never got too strong. Never showed up looking like this:

Oh, and as an added bonus she apparently has the full on butt naked NSFW shots out there. See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about…with the internet you can get the chick who you pretended was nude through all the spandex butt naked with a few clicks of the mouse. I didn’t look at the pics, but if you wanted to, you cold find them HERE.

-Brock

Fox Boogie is Back

It looks like that Jailhouse diet did Foxy Brown some good.

I don’t know, does Jet have airbrush? Perhaps. Regardless, Fox has never looked better and let’s be clear, it hasn’t always been that way. Isn’t it funny that even in blazer the Ill Na Na still knows how to freak it up? But this time it’s in a good way. I mean, the long silky weave is perfectly integrated with the baby hair. The nutso make-up is muted errr drowned out by the coat and that car and that waistline is looking very decent. I like it. No need to call out the J, that’s always been her gimmick. Anyway, good stuff from Fox. Now if she could only get Jay Z to write her some lyrics again. Remember this?

Now that was fire.

- Lake

———–UPDATE————

Remember the debate of “who looks better” Foxy or Lil’ Kim?

Back when it was this v. this….that is a legit debate.  Now….

that it is deez over here v. those over there. The answer is neither.

Yikes.

-Brock

Protect & Serve? Philadelphia Police Brutality

the more things change, the more they stay the same. No, this isn’t a reverse angle on the Rodney King beating. This is a video tape of an ass whooping the Philadelphia Police Department put on three dudes on MONDAY, May 5, 2008 that they think may have been present when another dude shot a cop over the weekend. The actual shooter is still at large! I can’t imagine what they’re going to do to him when they catch him.

Why did they pull these cats out of their car and beat the living shit out of them without trying to safely, no check that, humanely take them into custody?

Oh yeah, I forgot, once a cop gets killed nothing else matters. It’s just time to pull cars over and whoop the ass of everyone in the car regardless of who they are or how they may or may not be involved. I know, I know, they probably knew exactly who was in the car. They probably had some advanced information that the exact three people they wanted were in that car, right. That ass beating, while completely illegal and unconstitutional, was completely justified.

Sure, because cops are always right, even when they’re wrong. Just like when they killed Sean Bell in NYC ON HIS WEDDING DAY, right?

Let me ask the judge in that case something: If three plain clothes coppers shooting an unarmed dude 50 times, thereby killing him when he’s just celebrating his marriage with some buddies, isn’t a negligent use of deadly force, what is? What, do these cop have to shoot a cat 100 times, stab him, piss on him and then post a diss record up on youtube in order to obtain criminal street cred? I mean, I’m not sure what legal reasoning they were using, but in my book shooting an unarmed man 50 times is inherently negligent. And if you did shoot a cat 50 times accidentally, you better have a damn good reason for doing it. Don’t tell me that when you jumped out with your guns and no uniform that he tried to drive away, who wouldn’t?

Every single one of these clowns up in Philly should be thrown off the Police force and put in jail (and the Feds definitely need to look into that Sean Bell matter), but you know they won’t. You know that in Philly one cop will take the fall and the rest will just get “paid leave” some “sensitivity training” and high fives when they walk back into the Department. Meanwhile, you have to assume these geniuses knew that these helicopters were equipped with surveillance cameras, right? So if they do shit like this when the cameras are rolling, what kind of savagery goes on when nobody is around to see it?

And they wonder why people hate cops.

- Lake

Somebody’s Gonna Catch an Ass Whoopin!

Damn. Have you ever been whooping somebody’s ass, and thought…”I could really be whooping so much more ass right now?” Well, we’ve got the product for you.

Pepper Knuckles?!?!?!? With the tagline, “To Protect and Hurt”? Daaaaaaaaaaamn. Let’s see. Pepper spray is designed to immobilize your attacker so you can get away. A little element of surprise, a little searing pain and you can go on your merry little way. I’ve even seen pepper spray with dye in it so the green faced asshole can be found later.

But with Pepper Knuckles, after your assailant is rolling on the ground clutching his eyes you can administer a vicious beatdown so that they never do that shit again. If you are being attacked and are safe to get away, but go back to whoop some ass…is that still assault? I’m thinking probably.

What’s next? The Chainsaw gun from Gears of War?

So you can shoot a cat then saw off their leg?

How about a Taser baseball bat combo?

Don’t tase me bro! bzzzzzt…ieeeeeeeeeaaaah, aaaaaaaaaahhhh Now, don’t beat me bro!

Damn, I don’t want to run into one of these in a dark alley.

-Brock

Ozzie Guillen Can Manage My Team Anyday

I love this cat.

I especially appreciated how he stuck the landing at the end with that little chuckle at the end.

Oh, with all the beeps, let me show you what he basically was saying:

‘We won it a couple years ago, and we’re horse[spooge],” Guillen said. ”The Cubs haven’t won in 120 years, and they’re the [cunnilinguiling]ing best. [Finger-bang] it, we’re good. [Finger-bang] everybody. We’re horse[spooge-swallowers], and we’re going to be horse[spooge-swallowers] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We are the bitch of Chicago. We’re the Chicago bitch. We have the worst owner — the guy’s got seven [nut-tickle]ing rings, and he’s the [midget-fuck]ing horse[spooge-swallowing] owner.”

Ozzie is the best. World Series Champion, has his players backs and he doesn’t hit you with that ridiculous Baseball speak about “well Sandy (or some other random nickname with a Y at the end) just didn’t have his best stuff tonight, he was nibbling”… AHNT. I hate that shit. Don’t hit me with 50 cliches, some rhetoric about the DL list and then some throwaway line about how “we just have to hit”… No kidding. So what you’re telling me, standard baseball manager, is if I could say all that foolishness and pull off the double switch, I could be a manager too? Sadly, that’s exactly what these seam heads are saying. Terrible. I’m with Ozzie! Let the haters hate.

- Lake