Don’t Count Kanye Out Just Yet

September 17, 2008 by

Every time I’m ready to count Kanye out, he pulls me back in.

Jeez.  I mean, one do I start.  One, I’m finally starting to feel Kanye’s outfit.  That’s a good thing.  Second, this wild goth tribal thing is enticing.  Video shoot perhaps or just the way ‘Ye likes to get down on a Saturday night?  And yes, that is video “lady” Dolicia Bryan, somehow finding her way onto my blog again. Let me get an angle two on that.

On second thought, why play around with it.  Too much art, not enough arse.  Keep it simple.  Hook up a pool, a few chicks of different ethnicities but the exact same skin color, some Cham-pag-nee spilling all over the place, a hot beat and some gimmick dance move or hand gesture.  Come on.  I don’t care about your artistic point of view or integrity.  Just put Angel Lola Luv in a tank of ass gel, with R. Kelly in the background singing “remix” and I’ll be happy.  That’s really all I need in this life. Kind of like that Bud Lite Commercial with “P-Can”:

Thx.

– Lake

Cowboys Vs. Eagles

September 16, 2008 by

That is one of the best football games I’ve seen in a long time.

I really didn’t care who won.  It was high scoring, but not because of bad defense, these guys were just out there making plays.  TO even proved why he worked on that double move for so long.

“I’m just working on my shit.”  It worked last night too.

-Brock

Donnie From Way Downtown…KLANG!

September 16, 2008 by

Diddy makes hit records.  He drove Danity Kane to #1, he drove Day 26 to #1 and this season it was Donnie’s turn.

The people’s champ has been in the studio working hard, he laid down the tracks, he worked on his dance moves, and he was ready for his big debut.  Surely the ladies of MTV would hold him down, right?

AHNT.  Donnie went on ahead and had that #19 album of the week with total sales of 22,000 copies in the first week.  Damn Donnie, more people clicked on their bookmark for US Versus Them today than your album sold in an entire week.

Seven.  You were the producer on this album.  You were supposed to be the Timberland to his Timberlake.  What did you think about the sales?

Seven: “Fabaless.  I mean that is 21,999 albums more than I sold of my solo album.  Yesss.  I’m getting a new smoke machine.”

Well Donnie.  I don’t know what to tell you.  I know it has got to be real tense on that tour bus right now.  You might have to go to an alternate profession.

Sure, you only get paid a dollar at a time, but you might make out better in the long run.  Oh and another piece of advice?  If you ever get called into a meeting with Da Band, Black Rob and Cheri Dennis…run.

-Brock

Sponge Broad Square Arse: Angel Lola Luv!

September 16, 2008 by

Albany, NY is the State Capital of New York and a hotbed for progressive ideas around education.  So it was no wonder that the fine public servants in that district choose a true role model to kick off their “Back to School Extravaganza” last week.  Peep the highly motivational speaker, Angel Lola Love at the school assembly.

Haaa, and no, I’m not kidding!  This really is the outfit ole girl rocked at the school as she spoke to our nation’s youth. What possible message could this chick have for the kids?  “If you aren’t smart, don’t have a great personality and lack the proper fatness of the ass to excel in the objectification bidness, maybe you can sell your soul to the local ass gel bootlegger.”

And we wonder why kids are completely fucked in the head.

“Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice.”

Goddamn.  Where’s the Gap when you need it?  Anyway, back to discussion at hand.  Can any of you explain to me:

1.  Why Albany Public Schools would EVER invite an ass gelling, breast “through some E’s on that b*tch” enhancing, neck tatting, booty shaking, chick like this to talk to children?

2.  How the ass in question actually became SQUARED the fuck out?

I mean, that shit is just bizarre!  Look at the way the tail gives up high.  It’s creepy.  And I guess I already know the answer, but I still gotta ask, Angel Lola Love’s Ass. Real or FAKE?

Lol…  I tend to agree.  Hey Albany Superintendent of Schools.

YOU’RE FIRED!!!!

– Lake

Free The Juice: OJ Simpson Trial is Underway

September 16, 2008 by

Maaaan, fuck it, I’m with OJ Simpson.

That’s right, I said it, I’m siding with the Juice.  Come on now.  I know this is Amurica, so actual Justice and Truff don’t really count.  But let’s face it, Juice was set up with this one.  I mean, how many cats roll up into a spot with some dudes they don’t know to retrieve their stolen memorabilia and just happen to have tape rolling? In fact, roll the tape interns:

Yooo, this is hilarious.  “You think you can steal my shit?”  “Bag this shit up.” Yo, Juice is a funny cat.  Meanwhile, ALL the cats he rolled in with cut deals with the prosecution to turn on the Juice.  Now that aint right.  They tell Juice the dude “took his shit.”  They lead the Juice to the room.  They bring the heat, but Juice is up to go to Jail for life?  How does that work?

Oooooh, that’s right. OJ is being tried for a different crime.  Supreme DickAssness associated with that murder.

Hey, I watched that trial from start to finish.  The state didn’t meet its burden.

I might be the only cat in America who isn’t certain that OJ did it, but I’m not really certain.  What I am certain of is that he doesn’t deserve to go down for Memorabilia Gate alone.  It’s not like he whooped ass, he just confronted some mark ass busters who “stole his shit.”  It was a simple misunderstanding, mixed with a clear understanding that ass tappities could commence if cats continued to play with OJ’s money.  And before yall cats come with that, “I doesn’t matter, he’ll get what he deserves, he’s worse than Osama Bin Laden” AHNT, consider this:

Jigga, Snoop, Juice, Kelly, NOT-Guil-ty!

– Lake

Man Up Monday: Ohio State Buckeyes

September 15, 2008 by

You knew it was coming…I knew it was coming…but even I didn’t think it was going down like that.

I thought the 18 point spread was a little aggressive, but apparently it wasn’t aggressive enough because Ohio state got whooped.  Look, I know Ohio State has been embarrassed in the last two national championship games, but they took it too far this time.  They not only embarrassed themselves, they embarrassed the Big 10, they even embarrassed me while I was watching it.

Ohio State fan, what exactly were you waiting for again?  Beanie Wells was not waiting for a miracle, he just wasn’t playing.  Jim Tressel did not have a master plan for tripping up USC.  Oh, and the Ohio State Buckeyes are not that good.  That Ohio game was not a fluke, it was an indication of how good this team actually is.  You know the worst part?  Ohio State didn’t play that badly.  They executed on defense, they were running decent plays on offense, they just simply were not better that USC.

Hey Jim.  What ya handing out Buckeyes for this week?

“Todd Boeckman, you took a hit from the blindside and managed not to suffer whiplash.  You get a buckeye.”

“Terrelle Pryor.  When you were running away from the USC defense, you still looked like you were playing the game as opposed to scrambling for your life.  You get a buckeye.”

“Beanie Wells.  But not playing you are the only player who made a positive contribution to the team this week.  Buckeye.

OSU did do one thing right.  They scheduled the always tough Troy University, of Troy state, in the town of Troy…wait, where the hell is Troy?  Way to keep the tough teams on the schedule there.  That is how you always bullshit your way into the national title game.

You want to know what is crazy?  OSU will probably be ranked long about 10 this week.  If they win the Big 10, and win out the rest of their games.  They will be right back in the National title debate.  If top teams lose the way they did last year, they will be talking about their “quality loss” against USC.

We don’t need another debacle like that.

OSU, I need you to Man Up just go ahead and get another loss out of the way now.  Sometimes you can Man Up by stepping down.  Do what’s right.

-Brock

Oh and Will and Triple B…HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!  I love it.

Jennifer Hudson Gets Punk’d?

September 15, 2008 by

This story is just too weird.  Haaavard Law Grad, Tiffany “New York” Pollard reject and former UvT punching bag David “Punk” Otunga allegedly got engaged to Jennifer Hudson yesterday.

Dude, this is just too weird.  LOL.  I mean, Punk?  First of all, dude’s name is Punk.  Second, he went on I LOVE NEW YORK.  Didn’t that raise somewhat of a red flag for Ms. Hudson?  Hey Huddy, you may want to check in with Star Jones and Terry McMillan before you’re out here getting your groove back with a cat who uses more hair product than you.

And then there’s Punk.  How does a cat go from talking to zero black cats at HLS, to going onto I Love New York (which according to you was to promote your Hollywood carer errrr show positive images of black men in the media) to marry certified real deal sister Jennifer Hudson?

I already know the answer which is YES, but I still have to ask:  Is this cat serious? Ha, what a cornball.  LOL.  JHud, when it all goes wrong, don’t say Lake didn’t warn ya.  And just so we’re clear, you should be looking for a cornball dude, especially when you’re in entertainment.  But you’ve got things a bit mixed up.  When looking for the proper corn, you want something that looks more like this:

And run away from a dude who would ever pose like this:

I know, I know, he’s Abs-solutely fit.  Sure, but you have to understand the mentality of a black cat who spikes his hair, rolls around shirtless or dares put himself in a frosted pic.  Believe me, it aint right and somehow the fact that he went to HLS makes it that much worse.

– Lake

J Game Done Changed: Fake or Real?

September 15, 2008 by

It’s the classic Us vs. Them topic.  The breast, that wonderful gift from the lawd that can provide joy, amusement or even a nutritious snack, depending on your point of view.  Anyway, we’ve officially come out against Fake Js many times.  Of course, like Sarah Palin’s bridge, we were for them before we were against them.

They’re bad for women because they’re unsafe.  They’re bad for dudes because they feel like shit, are often more nasty than sexy and somehow, even the hype ones, cheapen the chick

…and we can’t have that.  So we here at UvT headquarters want to separate the real from the fake, the high from the lo.

So we ask you.  Is she dead nice or fuckin with knifes?  Are they bad ass tits or better meant for the skrip? Did she get it from her mama or should we treat them like Osama?  You decide America (incidentally, aren’t you sick of people on those bullshit reality tv shows addressing “America” when it’s time for a vote?  Hey half talents, “America” can’t be addressed.  America isn’t a person, it’s a place.  Stop appealing to “America” with your bullshit, thx).  Yall let me know, were they made for Lake or stuck on with puddy and tape?

Our first contestant is Tanned up Fake JLo aka Dania Ramirez from Heroes.

Damn.  I’ll tell you this.  While it may be her natural skin color, I do believe this chick has the best tan I’ve ever seen in my entire life.  I mean, she’s just sun kissed and so are those tittay!  What say you?  Real Deal Holyfield or Fake for the Cake, burn them at the stake?  I know, I know, you need angle 2, don’t we all?

Whoooo wee.  That aerial view is a beast.  Let me tell you.  They may very well be fake, but this chick has MASTERED the art of accentuating the angle.  I mean, her internal side boob game was TIGHT on picture one.  Then she showed versatility when she put them J’s on dubbs!  I guess stuntin really is a habit.  I mean, them bamas are sittin on HIGH, waiting to be seen.  And I gotta say, from the neck to the collar bone, down to the heat, I’m a believer.  She’s really showing me something, fake titities or not!  Wide angle please.

Now, uhhhh, that’s an interesting outfit.  Hmmm, honey touched skin, office pants, red cummerbund strapped up with the full on J’s out.  I mean, really mixing that working woman with that working woman!!!! If you know what I mean. Anyway, it’s a close call.  At least for me.  I try not to think about it too much when we’re under triple D’s.  So we gotta put it to the people.  Fake or Real?

– Lake

==============Update==============

I went on a hunt to see if Dania Ramirez reached that fineness quoitent that apparently requires thickness for membership.  And quite frankly, it was hard.  I mean, it’s a chicken or egg situation.  Is it her gear that prevents thickness explooration or are those garments basically the proverbial haystack for that neddle that really just aint there.  Who knows, all I know is that I went with the “Lil Jon” approach to reporting and this is what I got.

“Bend ova to the flo’ touch your toes”

“garble-garble, garble garble, it’s low”

“Awwww, somethin, somethin, somethin, you scared, you scared”

“Now, back back back it up, YEAH, back back back it up”

“now stop, OH, and wiggie with it, AHNT, stop OH and wiggie wit it”

Now see, that’s some bullshit.  But that’s all you really get with this chick.  Let me just show everybody what we should be looking at to keep everything clean and above board.

Dammit, was I the only one who heard “BIA BIAAAAAAAA, why you actin’ like a, like a” when you saw that?  No?  Aww, F yall.  You best come on in and get with these here musical analogies.  Anyway, this is all she’s offering.

Only song I can think of is, what, the Sounds of Silence – Simon and Garfunkel, don’t hate.

Anyway, the Verdict Is In.

Resoundingly FAKE.

Very fake.  Thanks for playing, though.

Palin and the Bush Doctrine…Wait. What is the Bush Doctrine?

September 12, 2008 by

I guess Charlie Gibson agreed to treat Sarah Palin with deference and respect prior to the interview because Palin finally agreed to come off script and tell us what she really thinks as opposed to what the scriptwriters think.

Man.  Charlie knew he had her immediately too.  When she says “In what respect Charlie” she really means, “What the hell are you talking about Charlie?”.  You can literally see the moment when she hears that voice inside that all of us hear sometimes saying “fuuuuuuuuuck”.

I half expected her to say “Charlie…I personally believe that US Americans believe that…such as…in the Iraq and the President Bush and the, Bush Doctrine and everything such as”.  In fact she might want to get in touch with Miss Teen South Carolina for some tips on how to work the interview answers off the cuff.

Oh man.  That never gets old.

Seriously though.  This is literally why politicians work the national stage for a little while.  That is why the 18 months on the campaign trail matter.  It’s okay if some reporter in Nebraska asks you about your views on the Bush Doctrine with a little tape recorder in his hand in March of 2007 when no one is paying attention.  You can say, “What is the Bush Doctrine?” and it is all good.  You can’t do it when you are 55 days away from the general election and locked in to be a 50/50 chance and a heartbeat away from the most powerful job in the world.

Like Matt Damon said, “she’s gonna have the nuclear codes”.

-Brock

Kanye West Assault Video is Hilarious

September 12, 2008 by

Hilarious.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Ye got arrested behind that? Haaaaa Hood up, backpack attached, with that cat telling people he took it while everything is on tape. Haa And when Kanye moves, is it just me or does he just look like a little kid.

Cat ass photog: POLICE POLICE…

Kanye Yes Man: Aint no Po-lice man, go on somewhere.

Fucking hilarious. ha

More later.

– lake