Oh No, Not Rihanna in Mom Jeans!!!!

Dammit!!!!!  The year was 2000 and young Lake made a run to the lovely country of Brazil.  When he got there, all he saw were lovely young women rocking low slung, hip hugger jeans.

He couldn’t believe what he saw and immediately wondered when American women would get with the program and adopt the South American jean concept (along with a few other things).

And if you haven’t been, yes, even the mannequins got ass in Bra-zee.  Anyway, it’s no shock how happy I was when I started seeing all the mothers, sisters, and oh yes, DAUGHTERS break that fashion glass ceiling and put their arses into these superior jeans like the founders intended!

You gotta love it and while it wasn’t without the occasional complication:

The shit was mostly all to the good.  And I tell you, it enhanced EVERYBODY.  I don’t know what it is, but that low hip looks right on all body types.

Or at least all the ones I looked at.

Well now it seems that chicks are really trying to fuck my game up.  That high hip may be in fashion, but damn fashion, I gotta live in this world!  Take Rihanna’s non dancing ass for instance.  Sure, she’s been looking damn good lately, but she’s setting up some shit that aint good for me and quite honestly, aint good for America.

Hey Ri Ri…my 7th grade class called and they want their jeans back (and dat azz while you’re at it, thx).

Even Barack took a moment away from his message of change and asked Ri Ri to quit the shit when I sent him the pic of Rihanna with the mom jeans.

And Hillary, she didn’t get it at all.

I mean, why would Rihanna do this to our country?  I know she’s from Turks and Cake Cos, Aruba, Cuba, somethin’, but still, she stays kicking it the US of A.  She owes it to us all to set the proper example and keep the rise low!  I know, I know, it’s not big deal, it’s just what’s “in” right now.  Sure, that’s what they said about the do rag:

The curl:

And dammit, the cornrow.

By the way, just between you and me, what’s worse?  The White Dude Corn Row or the White Dude Dreadlock?

All can be seen, not now, but RIGHT NOW, in every city in America.  But it will be far worse with the high jeans, hell, it’s already terrible.

I mean, what is that?  This is a very attractive woman, but she just looks crazy in this pic.  The ripped up stomach doesn’t even lay right in those pants.  It’s just all wrong.

If stars look this bad to lackluster in these pants, how do you think Sally Sue American is gonna look?  It’s a debacle.  I just don’t get it. But I’d be lying if I said it was all bad.

Because Ri Ri’s tizzail is liking right right in those jeans.  Dammit.  By the time this style goes away, all the babes I know will literally be looking like this.

There’s no hope.

– Lake

What’s with the high pants?

I know you ladies may like them and I’m sure they’re the “in” winter fashion, but I’m not liking what I’m seeing with these high pants out here.

(Ok, her’s actually look decent, but we all know why Keyes needs that. She’s one ham sammich away yall, just one)

It’s just an epidemic.

They are not sexy to me, and isn’t that all the really matters? Hmm, don’t get me wrong, some people make it work. Look at Kim Kardashian working these joints:

Lovely. But they don’t come off nearly as nice on others. Ole Ms. Can’t dance Rihanna goes to it all the time and I’m just not impressed.

So does Kelly Rowland.

See, I like my Kelly Ro with as low rise as the rise can go. Now tell me she doesn’t look better here than she did before:

Hard to argue with that. How about lower.. definitely gotta take it low!

Silky smooth yall, silkay smoove! At any rate, I guess they’re kind of novel on yall, but it’s just like everything else the look will be high jacked by terrible broads and turned into a cover up for chicks who are trying to get over:

(Umm well, in this shot it’s ok, but I can tell that she just didn’t make it with this get up in person.  How do I know she didn’t?  Believe me, I know, I know.)

Or worse, because we all know it will lead to the inevitable.

(Ah-ha, hush that fuss, errybody move to the back of the bus, Geez)

Bottom line, tight is right. If you’re big, you need to keep the clothes as close to your body as possible, lest you end up looking like a mack truck walking up into the club. If you’re thin, you just look like you’re lost up in that outfit when you go high pants or baggy dress. Take it from Christina Milian:

Now that’s how you rock a dress. Love ya babe.

– Lake