Yawn: The Worst MTV Video Music Awards Ever

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Disclaimer:  Since this was the worst MTV VMAs I’ve ever seen, this is perhaps equally the worst post I’ve ever written.  And I’ll tell you why.  It’s really hard to write about something that is so boring, so terrible, just so damn wack.  I mean, it brings you down.  I tried to put a few decent observations, but honestly, this Z minus level show basically ruined my week.  But I wrote it live, so I feel compelled to post.  So here it goes, I can’t vouch for any of it.

So I was hoodwinked into watching these VMAs with the lady with the idea that I would get a chance to see a solid Britney Spears train wreck part deux.  Need I remind you of last year’s showing?

I mean, the cats kept hitting us with that “Britney is opening the VMAs” rhetoric, so I thought I’d be getting something I wanted.  But when they show opened up, it was literally just her walking in, taking her place at the podium and delivering one of the more uninspiring “welcome speeches” I’ve ever heard in my life.  I should have known at that very moment to turn the TV off and walk away.  Surprise, I didn’t.

Damn, on a positive note, is that old school, 2001 Britney?  Damn, I must say, I’m almost impressed, but it can never be like it was.

Damn, that shit is just crazy.  Britney was literally like a LeBron James level talent.  She was ridiculous!

Curses, suddenly I realized that these MTV fools done hit me with the bait and switch.  Here I am, thinking I’m about to see a Sarah Palin-esque, T&A “change” performance from Brit and then it happened.  Awww, some crazy ass Rihanna techno song I don’t like with some middle earth cretins stomping the yard and Rih Rih sitting on high with a 3 story ball gown.

And then right on cue, Rihanna starts showing me what I already knew:  That she’s literally the only chick of West Indian descent on record who cannot dance to save her life.

Then Dark Knight Joker meets Carrot Top came out to host the show.

Say what?  Who is this cat and why are his pants so tight?  The first thing I thought was, “oh, that’s that terrible Jesse cat from that ‘I want to be a vj’ contest back from the dead.”  Then he spoke and I immediately wondered if I was the only one who had finally gotten sick of hearing all these British accents.  Well, at least he kept it real with that “none of you know who I am”..  Ahh, honesty I can finally rally around.  And then homey started cutting into Bush and the Republicans with a bunch of one line zingers:

“I’m for Barack Obama…you recently elected that retarded cowboy fella.”

“In England, George Bush wouldn’t be trusted with a pair of scissors.”

“Use a condom or become a Republican.”

Damn, he’s half funny, like a Sacha Baron Cohen meets the trench coat mafia.  Anyway, to add to my misery, they then introduced some soft looking cats named the Jonas Brothers who had the nerve to start signing.

Who buys this trash?  And who in the hell are the Jonas Brothers?  Oh, the lady says that they’re just Hansen reinvented.  God, this is the worst VMAs ever.  I mean, the crowd is bored, the performers are terrible and even the presenters look disinterested.  So Jaime Foxx, realizing this, came out yelling “wake up, wake up.”  Dude, you know shit aint right when a cat has to tell people to wake up.  I haven’t seen a crowd this stunned since back at Duke when the Ques did the “Pussy Step” with three dudes (total!) at the step show…  You just had to be there, but trust me, it was so terrible that it was hilarious.

I know, I know, the Ques just like to go hard with the bruhs..  ahnt (I said it)

Anyway, so then they started in with “the best female video” and then the lady over in my easy chair made a great point, “why are these bad videos getting nominated for best video”?  And then Britney Spears won.  Say what?  I forgot that she had an album last year.  Then Britney went ahead and thanked God….Which immediately started to make me laugh and then the lady said, and I’m not kidding me, “hey, that’s an AA step”…Jeez.

Has it really come to that?  Thanking God to get off the goose?

Goodness, what a debacle this is.  Then Weezy came out and was fairly terrible.

Not really his fault, rap never does really translate well to a live format.  But he didn’t have to rock the tight sag with the full on drawls coming out the back.  Then Jordin Sparks came out looking like some kind of Extra Large Living Teddy Graham as she babbled about promise rings and being a slut.  Perfect.

Dude, John Legend looks scared.

Anyway, I can’t continue with this.  This was hands down the worst program I’ve ever seen on MTV.  Oh and they topped it off with Kanye’s outdoor contest where he sang, OFF KEY MIND YOU, for an entire song with some Beijing drummers and tight ass suit.

God it was awful.

1.  Dude, singing hooks is one thing, but YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY SING and nobody wants you to sing. Do hot beats, make tricky hooks and make us laughs occasionally.  Just because Andre 3000 sang on his album doesn’t mean you can.  In short, do what you do and stay in your lane.

2.  Please get that wig cut off. Homey aint got a head that can sustain a lot of hair, especially with that temple taper.

Boy, NOTHING went right tonight and in honor of that, I didn’t post shit.  Blame it on MTV…

– Lake

==========Update===========

To add insult to injury, Britney won THREE Moon Men.. THREE.

I mean, I know all awards are basically random and based on zero criteria, but what in the hell is wrong with videos generally, when Brit wins THREE awards for ONE SONG.  She’s not even a relevant artist at this point.  Goodness.  What a joke.

—————UPDATE—————–

I don’t know quite how we got there, but KIR in NV just said that the next time she sees Carrot Top in Vegas, she’s gonna ask him if he likes P-U Double Dolla Sign Y.  Hilarious.  The ladies of UvT really kill it.  Read the comments people!

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11 Responses to “Yawn: The Worst MTV Video Music Awards Ever”

  1. Be On It Says:

    First off, Kanye, obviously Alexis upgraded you cuase you been ashy not classy ever since you gave her her walking papers. I say it’s time to press pause on the ego, swallow your pride, and give her a call, cause clearly you are not the business.

    Lake, you should have known that any show that hyped Britney – 2008 Britney – was bound to crash and burn. You should have caught the Bridezilla marathon (I joke, I JOKE) to see some first level bitchassness. And, Jordin Sparks and all the other promise ring wearers, give the diatribes a rest. I respect anyone who makes a committment to not have sex, but seriously, it’s something that you should be about, not talk about. Want to know what happened to celebrities that made the status of their hymen public? To one, Kevin Federline, and the other, 50 and some breast implants and a recent nekkid cover on Vibe.

    Third, I have no problem with Jordin Sparks, but seriously, she looks like a behemoth. Why are all the males in music so fucking tiny? TI, Weezy, John Legend. Is there a law against full grown men in the industry? Or maybe the tamborine players prefer dudes who look like prepubescent boys. It would explain all the extra homo stuff…

  2. RosyF Says:

    Be…ha. I gotta say these men are pretty tiny and so are the women. That’s why Jordan (dad was a football player) and Ciara look so much bigger. No promise ring = slut. Wow. The promise ring is one of the biggest bunch of nonesense ever invented. Like Be said keep it to your damn self. So that when you break your promise and most of you will (yes 3rd base and Lawd help me the backdoor counts), only you that fast ass boy and the lawd will know oh and all your friends and parents and in some cases the nation (cough) Palin.

    p.s. I thought Kanye’s performance was strange but I kinda liked his I’m in pain, all cried out, love hurts, break up anthem.

  3. Todd Says:

    Spot on review. Some observations.

    1) I wasn’t feeling the Kanye song through the first verse. However, as the song went on, it grew on me. And I peeped Kanye’s game. I see what he’s trying to do here. He made his first step from “rap artist” to “pop superstar” with that Graduation album (paraphrasing here, but “I want to make songs that can be played in stadiums”). Now, he’s got a song with him singing, from start to finish. Trust me, this song WILL blow. He will move units. “Love Lockdown” may very well be his “Hey Ya.”

    2) Why were the Jonas Brothers doing the first part of their performance on the Sesame Street set? I was expected The Count to come out at any second. AH AH AH!

    3) Can’t say I’m shocked that Brit Brit won three moon men. MTV was working overtime tyring to make a big deal out of their Great White Hope returning to the VMAs. Besides, her management/record label probably payed for those awards, anyway. Besides, who cares? Did you see that body? COTDAMN! Brit Brit is back

    And on a side note, did you see Christina Aguilera, too? That baby gave her a body. MMM MMM MMMM *applauds*

    4) WTF was up with the awards this year? The venue looked like a tricked out bingo hall. The crowd was dead half the time. T.I., Yeezy and Weezy were the only ones performing with any passion (the first two were the only good performances). Kid Rock going in on the lip synchors was midlly entertaining. I see they chopped the show down from three hours to two. Bad idea. They nixed like five awards, which then led to bs like Mary J. Blige being up for best hip hop video. What? Lol.

    The shameless advertisement was so blatant. I mean damn, could you mention that Verizon phone one more time?

    Just a lot of dead, corny segments overall. The host was eh. Jamie Foxx was funnier in his two minutes of airtime than Russell Brand was all night. WAKE UP, WAKE UP!

    This show has been on the decline since 2002. Sunday night, it took a free fall off a cliff. ’01, hosted by Jamie Foxx, and ’03, hosted by Chris Rock, have been the only good ones in recent years. (HINT for MTV)

  4. KIR in NV Says:

    Didn’t watch. These shows have become so tired that I just can’t see blowing 3.5 hours of my time when I could be doing something better.

    For the record, I like the Jonas Brothers and I hate Kanye the bitch. Commence the roasting.

  5. Lindsay Lover Says:

    Agreed, the show was bad.

  6. Lake Arlington Says:

    Haaa, Rosy, you aint lied about that Back Do’. I never quite got how that was ok, but straight lovin wasn’t. Come on now, do chicks really go back do’ to keep the promise ring tight? Maybe it’s just me, but the promise ring is creepy. It’s on some ole incest mess… I don’t like it. Be is right, be about it and keep that shit to yourself because we don’t care. Jonas Brothers, Kir, never heard of them before this show. Todd, I don’t know man.. Maybe once he cleans up those off key notes in the studio it will blow, but he was horrible live. And that lack of a haircut and slim riding suit didn’t help matters none either.

  7. KIR in NV Says:

    Lake, don’t sleep on Carrot Top. He’s cool peeps when he’s not on his regular gig. Dude puts in serious work in the gym…I have seen it up close and personal. No airbrushed, gelled out, fake shit for Mr. Top. Apparently whatever he’s doing extends to his love muscle as well cuz he be rolling with some top level talent.

  8. Brock Hardon Says:

    Easy there KIR. Isn’t Carrot Top a confirmed swordfighter. I believe he is a dedicated meatatarian like you are.

  9. KIR in NV Says:

    @Brock: I was skeptical too. Carrot Top? That Wendy’s logo looking MF? No way. But hold on here a minute.

    Have you seen how the man dress? I might put him on the other team if he didn’t look a hot mess damn near every time he hit the streets.

    If he’s on the dack only diet, those trannies he’s hanging with are fierce – and I’ve seen him around the way with a few different chicks. I’m a little scared of them eyebrows he’s working these days but he got the bicep curls, bench press and squats down. A white boy with some ass? I think that’s a less common natural occurrence than the Thick White Woman – although I ain’t checking for the ladies so I can’t be certain.

    He let some of us rub up on his booty so I’m sure he won’t mind if I ask him a personal question next time I see him:

    ME: Excuse me, Carrot (cuz we on a first name basis you know)? Yeah, I’m conducting some research for some, um, friends. I was wondering, do you like the pu$$y?

    [The next sound you hear is KIR’s lights getting punched out]

  10. Lake Arlington Says:

    One thing about Mr. Top, he’s definitely on that roid spike, so watch your back…and definitely don’t get too slick with the lip.. that cat might really knock a man or woman the F out.

  11. KIR in NV Says:

    I’ve heard he’s on the Extra Strength Carrot juice but I’m not convinced cuz he is always verrrrry nice everytime I see him. The roided up gym rats around here cut the jumpoff “personal assistant” staying at their house, choke a b!tch, stuff her in a trunk, drive to Wal-Mart to pickup a gas can and burn up the evidence. True story. Since I ain’t trying to have a threesome with Carrot, I ain’t worried.

    But like I always say when somebody wanna front, make sure you make the first one count cuz it’s gonna be on. I’m a little scared to let Mr. Top flex on me though.

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