Big Brother 9: ‘Til Death Do You Part

Update: Check out my latest post on the women of Big Brother 9 

So I tuned into the new Big Brother last night. It was standard fare. First off, you had to figure out that this season, the game is being played by couples instead of individually. I guess they did some personality test to try and match people up based on compatibility. Fair enough, there’s always a twist of some kind and if you have people who have to play for each other, that’s just double the melodrama. So they start in by introducing the cast and immediately you see that the show is fairly high on eye candy.

Whatever, her name isn’t important. Ok, it’s Natalie. What did matter to me was that 1. She worked at a coffee shop where she had to rock a bikini, 2. that after 30 seconds into the show, I could see a approximately 70% of her enhanced cans and 3. that despite making a living by being objectified and showing off all her earthly assets, she immediately dropped some random God/Jesus reference….Irony, I love it.

I wonder if Jesus would be for or against large fake boobs that are constantly exposed…hmm. Moving on.

Then I noticed that they peppered in some current boyfriends/girlfriends who weren’t matched up with each other and of course, some ex’s that hated each other that had to be forcibly reunited. Pretty typical stuff of the Dick and Danielle Donato variety. Oh and they have bizzaro world Jon Scheyer in the house too.. Go Duke…I think.

But the best thing of the night came from the lone Cougar in the house, Sheila, aged 46 from Cali.

First off, the woman’s stated profession is “ex model.” Which made me a bit suspicious, so of course I had to go back into my Lakey PI mode to figure out that she’s not really an ex model, more like an ex skin rag hizzo — who for a period of time was fucking the big boss man over at Penthouse Magazine, Bob Guccione. Never heard of him huh, me neither. Right, she didn’t get at Heff, missed out on Larry Flynt, but was able to gravy train the creator of Penthouse for his loot cakes. No wonder she has such an inflated sense of self worth. Have you ever stopped to wonder what these video hoes will do once their good looks run out? I know, I know, first to the skrip club, then the Bunny Ranch, followed by “The Point” or “the Track” in Atlantic city…. What about the ex gold digger, what does she do for retirement? Well now we know. This is that chick in the flesh and blood, perfectly placed outside of her prime. Look at her on the cover of Penthouse back in 1983:

I can’t lie, she actually looks pretty sexy and semi thick through the KFC thigh region. Luckily I was able to link up the EVERY ANGLE completely Nude Sheila Kennedy NSFW Penthouse pics right HERE. Reverse angle pleez.

I think the comedian Eddie Griffin said it best, “no ass at home.” Anyway, in both these pictures her face looks fresh, almost that innocence mixed with just the right amount of “fucking for tracks errrrr stacks” feel to it, ya know? But 15 years and a 16 year old son later, the attitude is still the same. I mean, in her mind, she still should be in the mansion living the high life, not in Big Brother house eating slop. Yeah, that false sense of self-worth is anchored by the unrealistic belief that she’s still hot… fuckable, maybe for a dirty, slump busting cat, but hot? Let me refer you to Clay Davis for that one: Shheeeeeeeeeeeit!

Anyway, they went ahead and paired the old hag with this dude.

Ha! This dude does look like a wild cat. I must admit. I mean, what’s up with those crazy ass eyes? Just popping out of his headpiece.. Hilarious. Anyway, she wasn’t feeling this cat AT ALL and as soon as they hooked them up, telling her that they were most compatible, the ex skin rag diva from the 80’s went OFF!!!

“Where did someone get that this was my soulmate? Oh my God!!! I told them I’m attracted to tall, dark and handsome, I mean, I’m sorry, but is this what they think I meant?”

And she was saying all of this as if homey wasn’t standing right there. I also liked how he was calling her “Ma” in the way that black dudes often call women “Mami”… It’s not a diss. Only in this case, this terrible has been errr never was took it as “Ma” as in “Mom”…. which was so gratifying for a white cat with crazy urban game like myself.. Again, the irony was oozing out of this relationship.

Anyway, the chick is a complete beeyatch and she kept on with the total disregard for his feelings and presence.

“I mean, look at him. I’m sorry, maybe I’m shallow but I have a type. I like guys that work out.”

Awwww, that hurt and no, Adam definitely didn’t get like or get it. Any of it.

Then she got so worked up that she had to get a quaalude errr Alka-Seltzer to calm herself down.

Real picture from her myspace page. Pretty crazy.

How are you going to just ice a cat down based solely on his looks when you’re the oldest person in the damn house?! Sure Big Brother set you up, but that’s what they do!!! Understand, he’s the ugly dude who is probably rich but semi annoying, YOU’RE the washed up Penthouse HO who still thinks she belongs poolside sucking on a ahem Mai Tai while you make passes at the pool boy. Please “Ma,” get over yourself, you two rejects are made for each other!

Decent introductory episode. I’ll take it.

– Lake

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