Posts Tagged ‘What Can Brown Do for You?’

Big Brother 10: Ollie is a Son of A…

August 12, 2008

Preacher man.  What did you think I was going to say?

For those who aren’t up on Big Brother 10 (and why not?  This is solid summer programming)  Let me tell you about Ollie (real name Bryan Ollie).  This brother is the son of a preacher, has never had a sip of the devils nectar (he doesn’t drink), doesn’t curse, doesn’t smoke, played Football on full scholarship at Iowa State.  His father’s church is the real deal.  I’m talking faith healing, speaking in tongues, the whole nine.  I mean he really sounds like a good wholesome dude.

Oh and another thing?  Ollie is banging out April, the blonde haired white girl in the house like the next time might be his last time.

I’m talking about in broad daylight under a blanket.  I’m talking about in night vision.  Not to mention the fact that there is a straight up 24 hour a day live webcam feed going on in the house.  That means that everytime they get busy, that joint is being beamed all over the world live.

Now I haven’t been to church in a long time, but who cares if you don’t drink when you will cut on the internet live?  I doesn’t seem that impressive if you flaunt your principles and you are having sex every which-a-way.  Aren’t we picking our sins here?

I’m sure Ollie has the “I LV GSUS” licence plate.  I’m sure he doesn’t eat pork because he does not “partake in the cloven hoof”.  He is probably firm in his belief that all Jews and Muslims are going straight to hell because they have not accepted Jesus as their lord and savior.  Unprotected, premarital sex?  Hey, everyone needs one vice, right?

Look, normally I wouldn’t point this out, but Ollie ain’t making love here.  Once April won some privacy up in the HOH room, Ollie started fuckin.  I mean gettin it.  Don’t believe me?  Peep this. (NSFW, don’t turn up the volume either)

There hasn’t been night vision action like that since Paris Hilton.  It really starts getting loose at long about the 2:50 mark.  I didn’t watch it, but that is what I hear.  I mean slap it up, flip it, rub it down Ohhnooooooooo!

Look, when I saw that Ollie was that classic, comfortable with everyone football player, but I didn’t know he could run game like that.  I mean is it part of what they cover in practice?

That’s not Ollie, but you can tell they we’re trained in the game at the same school.  Look at this cat.  Got six chicks throwing the shocker.

Ollie.  You have one of the strongest games I’ve ever seen on Big Brother.  In fact, you might be the US Reality pimp of all time.  Sure your lady let an old dude grab her j’s on national tv as soon as she walked into the house, but she’s still a catch.  Oh, and she caught you giving Janelle a little too much love the other night.  Blonde girls are your kryptonite, huh?

Play on Playa.  Us Versus Them salutes you.


Man Up Monday: Big Brown

June 9, 2008

Big Brown had his big day on Saturday as he was about to run into history.

I mean he came in strong, no other horse has been within three lengths of this the big fella, his trainer was talking shit, people who don’t know anything about horse racing were putting money on 5-2 odds.  Five will win you two?  Hey, everyone who made that bet…just so you know, under normal circumstances that is not the kind of action you generally want.  If you made that bet, we’ll hook you up with KIR in NV from the forums, she will let you know where the real action is in Vegas…suckers.  Well, if you weren’t paying attention, Big Breezay got sent to the showers.

He went from potential Triple Crown winner to last place loser at the Belmont stakes.  Last place?  Nice job, champ!  Simultaneously, interest in horse racing in America went from an all time high of 68% of the U.S. population back down to its normal level of 1% including just people who own horses, gambling degenerates who just have to bet on something, and asshole sports nuts who feel like they have to prove that they know everything about every sport by hitting you with obscure analysis that no one gives a damn about.

You know they guys who were sitting around last week talking about “It’s a long race and Big Brown will drop back early to the second pack and Disormo will have plenty of opportunity to move him & make sure he doesn’t get trapped on the rail.”  Whaaaaaatever.  Thanks for that high level analysis, I’ll be looking forward to your breakdown of the curling competition at the Vancouver Olympics.  I hear Norway is going to have a killer squad.  Thanks for the overanalysis.  Look, I barely give a damn about two out of the top four sports in America, I could really care less about the 32nd most popular sport in America.

So let’s see, we have the biggest favorite to win the Triple Crown in thirty years…in a sport that has year round betting on random races that occur in backwoods tracks all over America and broadcast via close circuit tv to casinos 24/7…and the horse mysteriously comes in last place.

Even Tim Donaghy thinks that sounds fishy.

Gary Coleman can’t explain it…

Even Big Brown himself says he doesn’t know why his trainer pulled him up.

So far, Big Brown has been tested and is injury free.  Yeah, something ain’t right.  His jockey tried to blame it on the heat.  The baddest horse of all time get pulled up because it is hot outside?  Big Brown…Man Up!

What can brown do for you indeed…


Big Brown, Corporate Shill?

June 2, 2008

I thought Big Brown was just a badass horse with an attitude and the ability to whoop ass on command. But today I was crushed, and the evidence was right there in front of me. Big Brown. You get it? No. Okay, if this was Nascar, this is how it would go down.

You just slap logos on every damn thing just to make sure the Nascar fans get the point, the cover the cars, they cover the driving suit, hell they even label kids in the crowd. I guess in horse racing, they keep it cool, keep it underground, you just name your horse Big Brown and you hope people think about this.

That’s right. The owner of UPS has skin in the game with Big Brown. This might be the biggest payoff ever. UPS is behind the most dominant horse in 30 years? If anyone actually cared about this sport this story would be huge. Instead, they gets some love here on UvT for trying to pull one over on the low low. If this horse wins the triple crown, UPS will get free advertising until the end of time. Forget the fact that UPS is trying to jack and entire color at their brand (at least it was a color no one wanted too badly), they are about to steal a piece of sports history!

Sorry, that picture has nothing to do with anything. Just some good old fashioned gratuitous UvT T&A. She’s dressed like a UPS delivery driver though…so there.

So I like this idea. If anyone has a thoroughbred that needs a name you can go ahead and name it Usver Susthem. We’ll pay you in interns.


Big Brown: Can’t Lose With That Name

May 22, 2008

I normally don’t watch horse racing, you know what…I didn’t even watch it this time, but Big Brown has been dragging the field so much it is hard to ignore.

I don’t know if Big Brown is on that Roger Clemens program, but no one else is even close. As a matter of fact, if human athletes get suspended for using horse steroids, what kind of steroids do horses need to do? What other animals are on those roids?

This bull is definitely on that stuff

Like I said, with a name like Big Brown, you can’t lose. The name is way tougher than typical horse names. You know Nacho Cheese, Ickabad Crane, My Dear Watson and the like. Big Brown is whooping so much ass my man Grande Smoove in the ATL said he wanted to get a Big Brown racing jacket like the jockey.

Those blue stars ain’t for everyone, but that could be a hot motorcycle jacket.

Big Brown just passed Bobby Brown, Big Boi, and Bill Buckner are the most famous Double B’s in the world. (Triple B from the comments still stands alone for the moment.) Big Black from Rob & Big isn’t too happy about it though.

The horse might win the race, but I’ve got Big Black in a fight.