Posts Tagged ‘Toilet Seat Up’

Man Up Monday: Guys Who Put the Toilet Seat Down

June 23, 2008

This “rule” is always hilarious to me. Every dude runs into this lecture long about 3am after you are chillin’ over at a chicks house and she makes that middle of the night dash to the bathroom. She comes back and hits you with the demand that you put down the toilet seat. Sure, I’ve heard it is the rule, but who thinks about that when you are buzzin’ after the party, and can only concentrate on how good that post-cut piss feels. In fact, she should be happy that I even took the time to put the toilet seat up. I coulda just hosed the whole spot down. Fine, I’ll follow rules if it means I can cut on the regular. Then came lesson #2. “Put the toilet seat down” apparently also doesn’t mean this.

Toilet seat down, right? Nah, this ain’t it. Apparently this just means that the chick catches an assfull of icy cold porcelain in the middle of the night. So I initially thought this was just some kind of aesthetic demand, but then I figured out that these chicks just back it on in in the dark. Come on, you don’t at least check it? Is that the benefit of sitting down, that you don’t need the lights so aim so you just take the next step and feel around in the dark like the blind?

So FYI, here is what they’re looking for.

Locked, loaded and ready to go. I guess.

How about this, it is man up Monday fellas. Here’s the new rule. Do what I do. When a girl comes by the crib, demand that she leaves your toilet seat UP.

That’s what I’m talking about. Make it convenient for what I’ve got to do. I might even start trying to shoot in the dark too. Why not? It’s my mf’n house. I’ll work it out eventually. As long as I don’t catch that post-nut split stream.

Don’t act like it’s just me.

Fellas. Man Up!

-Brock

===========Update============

Dude, you aint never lied about this one.  I hate that bullshit “I’ll fallen in” nonsense.  If you fell in, it’s your own damn fault.

It’s not like men don’t have to put the seat down to hit up #2, we do and my dude, I aint fallen in yet.  I wonder why that is, oh yes, BECAUSE I’M AN ADULT WHO LOOKS DOWN BEFORE PUTTING MY ASS ANYWHERE, UmmmKay?

Yall chicks are too much.  Don’t you have enough in this world?  Engagement rings, presumptive payment of your dranks and dinners, warnings on traffic tickets, “ladies free before Eleven”….   I know, I know, “I’ve got the money to buy my own”, sure, but do you got money to buy MINE too?  Because that’s what I’m expected to have errrytime I hit the streets.  And dudes, believe me, if you don’t have the jack to pay for the whole night, just keep it low with a “it’s not delivery it’s DiGiornos” and your blockbuster pick of the week.  I mean, if you don’t got it, don’t even try.  You can’t win.

Anyway, this just aint something I’m willing to compromise on.  Seat stay up yall.  And don’t think that because the seat stays down your man or worse, the dude you’re just messing with won’t play target practice on the seat down toilet…he will.  WE ALL HAVE BEFORE.

Don’t sleep, you want that hole as large and spacious as you can possibly get it.  Talk about falling in, you’ll think you’re at that Chi Town aRa Kelly Memorial Water Park messing with Lake Jr. after a night flying with the Goose.  Book it, seats up!

– Lake, King of the Castle