Posts Tagged ‘R. Kelly’

R. Kelly Trial: The Most Unshocking “GOTCHA” in Legal History

April 22, 2008

Prosecutors in the R. Kelly trial launched their Law & Order style attack on aRa today in court. In trying to prove that he likes young girls, they are whipping out…gasp!…evidence that he married a 15 year old Aaliyah when he was 27. Shocker!

That’s not exactly Columbo type material there. It is actual fact. I think the papers are filed in the state of Illinois. If there was an official marriage, then it was probably legal…dontchathink? Sure, R. Kelly seems to be a sick, sick dude. You know the saying where there’s smoke, there’s fire? Well, right now it is smokier than four weed heads getting their smoke on in a car that is billowing black smoke, with a smoked ham in the trunk, with Smokey Robinson on the radio. The problem is…R. Kelly is fanning the flames with stuff like this:

Yeah, the female tongue belt buckle probably isn’t going to help.

The mask probably wasn’t a good idea either.

Also, if you are going to use the “wadden’t me” defense it is probably a good idea to make your sex tape in a regular room in front of a white wall. Getting it on in your freaking “log cabin” bonus room when you actually have a log cabin bonus room at your house probably isn’t the best idea in the world. I know…I know it was photoshopped, or a doppelganger, or your cousin Brock was at your house that day. Whatever.

Well R. finally figured out that he needs to lay low. So now he is wearing a disguise everywhere he goes.

Niiiice. Real inconspicuous. Dress like Goldylocks before your child exploitation trial. Dammit aRa. You are a musical genius…leave teh young girls alone. I know, you didn’t do it. Jigga – Kelly, not guilteeeee!

-Brock

Guilty pleasure: Shawty is a 10

December 31, 2007

Despite the fact that this is yet another high-pitched cat doing his best Alvin and the Chipmunks do R&B impression, I must admit, I like this song. Roll the tape.

I don’t know, maybe it’s the way he pronounces the word “ten”. Anyone who says “Tea-ee-in” is relatively cool with me. Additionally, this song is a clear nod to R. Kelly. I mean, everything about the way the song goes is pure aRa and I’m all in as a lifelong R. Kelly music fan (he’s a low cat otherwise). I’m also down with the Jay Z “And I don’t need no hook for this sheeeit” reference, eventhough this clown rocks that line right before he goes straight into the hook. In fact, damn near the entire song is a hook. Oh well, I also have to give it up for the French Bulldog cameo too.

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I know, I know… Need I remind you suckers that this is MY BLOG?! Ha..

Of course, there are some glaring negative issues with this song as well. First, you have that garbage cat Jazzy Pha, then you’ve got that inexplicably poor choreography that looks like some sort of terrible Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority sisters do fraternity steps gone waaaay wrong and finally, you have the fact that the song is done by a dude named “Dream”. I mean, why not just go ahead and call yourself Delicious, Really-Fine or something equally absurd. Ok, enough, I like the song, I’m embarrassed about it and I put it all out here as my public confession right before the new year ends. I’ll do better in 2008.

– Lake

Oh and by the way, I just took a vote and by my calculations Lake is UvT man of the year. I would like to thank all the readers, the voters (which was me) and Brock for this great honor. I nudged out Justin Timberlake by a nose I’m told..pretty hot.

Classic material: Gangsta Lean by D.R.S.

November 28, 2007

If you’re a true fan of R&B like I am, then you’ll know what I’m about to post. This right here is just a classic R&B video and an all-time favorite for Lakey the sensitive thug.

How did we get to this you ask? Just think back, it’s 1993 and Gangster Rap is just killing it on the charts. You’ve got Dre, Snoop, hell, even Ice Cube has a few wild hits, but you just can’t rap. Oh, but you can sang!!! So what do you do? Fashion yourself as a Gangsta R&B group. And why not? Jodeci was getting a little gangsta with their joint.

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I think they killed someone in an interlude and still sold millions, so it’s possible right? Well, not really (remember that rumor about how Devante got pistol whipped and then ended up on the run?). As I’ve always said, R&B is inherently soft, corny and somewhat gay…

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I mean, let’s face it. Some dude with more product on his lips than he’s got on his hair, shirtless and making all kinds of weird sexual faces as he croons his way to economic bliss.

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That’s just a recipe for bitchiness. And what’s so hilarious is that they know they’re perceived as bitches, so they over compensate by getting extra gangsta with it, which of course always backfires. Fair enough, but Gangsta Lean was the one exception to that rule and I guess the other exception would be Nate Dogg who somehow has seemed to find that perfect balance.

At any rate, Gangsta R&B was short lived and generally awful because if there is one thing gayer than an R&B cat, it’s a studio gangsta, wanna-be-hard, looking more like an Oz prison beeyatch R&B cat who is fronting like he’s something he’s not.

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(and yes I have heard the rumors that Jaheim is gay, who knows?)

Either way, I’m glad the genre is gone (sort of), but I’m equally glad that we still have this jewel, Gangsta Lean, to stash in our collective gangsta memory banks.

– Lake