Posts Tagged ‘R. Kelly Trial’

Must Be The Money: R. Kelly is Acquitted on All Counts of Child Pornography!!!

June 13, 2008

Holy shit. The Pied Piper is an elusive smooth mufucka! I guess banging out and pissing on a 13 year old is cool in Chi Town!

Dude, let me ask those jurors a question. If that wasn’t R. Kelly and it wasn’t that babe, then who the fuck was it on that tape? I mean, come on. Let’s go ahead and run that “I wanna Piss on You” in honor of R’s great victory!

You just know that right now R. is on his way back to that Log Cabin room to get some drink, sex, and piss on and then go directly into the studio to record that “Jesus Saved Me/Fuck All You Haterz, But I’ll Pray For You” single that should be out on Monday.

And isn’t that the best part of all these terrible jury verdicts? How the cat who just got over on the system then proclaim that Jesus “hisself” was responsible for the acquittal. Hey, aRa, I”m not the most religious cat in the world, but If there is one thing we do know, it’s that Jesus didn’t want you to bang out all kinds of young girls, hook up three ways, piss on a chick – ON CAMERA-, allegedly pay her off to keep quiet and then walk away whistling the tune to “Fiesta (Remix)” after a bunch of imbeciles let you off scott free.

Hey, Chicago, why stop there? I mean, you need to make R. out like the victim in all of this. You know, pull a Duke Lacrosse so R. can get paid like Reade, Colin and Dave Evans or something. Or better yet, erect a monument in honor of Mr. Kelly and all he’s done for the great city of Chigaco.

Unbelievable.

– Lake

R. Kelly To Threesome Participant: Stop Snitchin’

May 5, 2008

Man, let me tell yall; nothing in the history of the world will be better than this upcoming R. Kelly Trial.

I just hope that it’s televised on tv. Like, for real. It’s already so good and aint shit even happened yet. Just think about it. First off, the trial already has two damn soundtracks…LITERALLY.

1. That Trapped in the Closet Parts 1-5 pretty much supplies the perfect metaphor for this fool’s life right now. In fact, let’s just go ahead and run that Trapped in the Closet. I’ll hook the link up so that it just opens in another window. LOL.

2. Is that classic “Pee On You” and the “Pee On You Remix“. Lol. Is there anything better?

Said rollin’ around, sittin’ on dubbs
Brock and I wuz high on shrubs
Coolin’ in my escalade
Man I’m paid, I got it made
Take me to your special place
Close your eyes, show me your face
I’m gonna piss on it

Chorus
Hatters wanna hate
Lovers wanna Love
I don’t really want
None of the above, I want to piss on you
Yes I do, I’ll piss on you, I’ll pee on yooooou

Said your body, your body, is a port-a-potty

Sorry R. Not only is that shit ridiculously funny, but it’s just about THE BEST parody EVER.

Anyway, aRa is coming with the oh so classic and effective “Waddent Me” defense, which is hilarious because if you saw the tape one thing is clear: It WAS R. Kelly.

I mean, if you don’t know anything else, that is completely clear. Like, you could think that piss was digital like Dave Chappelle said. You could possibly think that ole girl wasn’t really 13, but rather she just looked like a young as shit. I mean, you could believe a lot of stuff. But one thing we KNOW for SURE is that R. KELLY IS ON THAT TAPE and he’s most certainly getting his full “Gary Coleman can’t do this” man on.

Anyway, the big news now is that another chick has allegedly agreed to testify against aRa and identify Kelly as the man in the tape, confirm that the chick in the tape actually is who prosecutors think she is (a young ass 13 year old chick with LOTS of experience with the mic) AND, now get this, to confirm that she, also a teenager at the time, the young girl in that tape and “the R” had a THREESOME together around the same time the tape was originally shot.

WOW. I’m not sure if the prosecutors will be able to prove beyond reasonable doubt that R. was the fucker in that tape, but that can’t be good news for Mr. Kelly. He best start composing another gospel album, rocking that Heaven I Need a Hug Prison Remix entitled “Warden, Save Me From Thugz” or something to pull himself out of this one. You know what’s hilarious about all this? The ENTIRE time he was banging out all these chicks and wilin out, R. had a full on wife and kids. Yo, one thing that we know for sure is that R. is a wiiiiiiiild cat. I mean, remember when that fool showed up on TV with his pastor for that ridiculous interview where he suggested that the man in the video might be his brother?!! Just a really wild cat man. I’ll be watching this one very closely. More later.

– Lake

R. Kelly Trial: The Most Unshocking “GOTCHA” in Legal History

April 22, 2008

Prosecutors in the R. Kelly trial launched their Law & Order style attack on aRa today in court. In trying to prove that he likes young girls, they are whipping out…gasp!…evidence that he married a 15 year old Aaliyah when he was 27. Shocker!

That’s not exactly Columbo type material there. It is actual fact. I think the papers are filed in the state of Illinois. If there was an official marriage, then it was probably legal…dontchathink? Sure, R. Kelly seems to be a sick, sick dude. You know the saying where there’s smoke, there’s fire? Well, right now it is smokier than four weed heads getting their smoke on in a car that is billowing black smoke, with a smoked ham in the trunk, with Smokey Robinson on the radio. The problem is…R. Kelly is fanning the flames with stuff like this:

Yeah, the female tongue belt buckle probably isn’t going to help.

The mask probably wasn’t a good idea either.

Also, if you are going to use the “wadden’t me” defense it is probably a good idea to make your sex tape in a regular room in front of a white wall. Getting it on in your freaking “log cabin” bonus room when you actually have a log cabin bonus room at your house probably isn’t the best idea in the world. I know…I know it was photoshopped, or a doppelganger, or your cousin Brock was at your house that day. Whatever.

Well R. finally figured out that he needs to lay low. So now he is wearing a disguise everywhere he goes.

Niiiice. Real inconspicuous. Dress like Goldylocks before your child exploitation trial. Dammit aRa. You are a musical genius…leave teh young girls alone. I know, you didn’t do it. Jigga – Kelly, not guilteeeee!

-Brock