Posts Tagged ‘R. Kelly is a motherfucker’

R. Kelly To Threesome Participant: Stop Snitchin’

May 5, 2008

Man, let me tell yall; nothing in the history of the world will be better than this upcoming R. Kelly Trial.

I just hope that it’s televised on tv. Like, for real. It’s already so good and aint shit even happened yet. Just think about it. First off, the trial already has two damn soundtracks…LITERALLY.

1. That Trapped in the Closet Parts 1-5 pretty much supplies the perfect metaphor for this fool’s life right now. In fact, let’s just go ahead and run that Trapped in the Closet. I’ll hook the link up so that it just opens in another window. LOL.

2. Is that classic “Pee On You” and the “Pee On You Remix“. Lol. Is there anything better?

Said rollin’ around, sittin’ on dubbs
Brock and I wuz high on shrubs
Coolin’ in my escalade
Man I’m paid, I got it made
Take me to your special place
Close your eyes, show me your face
I’m gonna piss on it

Chorus
Hatters wanna hate
Lovers wanna Love
I don’t really want
None of the above, I want to piss on you
Yes I do, I’ll piss on you, I’ll pee on yooooou

Said your body, your body, is a port-a-potty

Sorry R. Not only is that shit ridiculously funny, but it’s just about THE BEST parody EVER.

Anyway, aRa is coming with the oh so classic and effective “Waddent Me” defense, which is hilarious because if you saw the tape one thing is clear: It WAS R. Kelly.

I mean, if you don’t know anything else, that is completely clear. Like, you could think that piss was digital like Dave Chappelle said. You could possibly think that ole girl wasn’t really 13, but rather she just looked like a young as shit. I mean, you could believe a lot of stuff. But one thing we KNOW for SURE is that R. KELLY IS ON THAT TAPE and he’s most certainly getting his full “Gary Coleman can’t do this” man on.

Anyway, the big news now is that another chick has allegedly agreed to testify against aRa and identify Kelly as the man in the tape, confirm that the chick in the tape actually is who prosecutors think she is (a young ass 13 year old chick with LOTS of experience with the mic) AND, now get this, to confirm that she, also a teenager at the time, the young girl in that tape and “the R” had a THREESOME together around the same time the tape was originally shot.

WOW. I’m not sure if the prosecutors will be able to prove beyond reasonable doubt that R. was the fucker in that tape, but that can’t be good news for Mr. Kelly. He best start composing another gospel album, rocking that Heaven I Need a Hug Prison Remix entitled “Warden, Save Me From Thugz” or something to pull himself out of this one. You know what’s hilarious about all this? The ENTIRE time he was banging out all these chicks and wilin out, R. had a full on wife and kids. Yo, one thing that we know for sure is that R. is a wiiiiiiiild cat. I mean, remember when that fool showed up on TV with his pastor for that ridiculous interview where he suggested that the man in the video might be his brother?!! Just a really wild cat man. I’ll be watching this one very closely. More later.

– Lake

Everyone is Interested in the R. Kelly Trial

April 23, 2008

Brock Hardon isn’t the only one who is taking a keen interest in the R. Kelly sex with a fast ass little girl trial. No sir. In honor of today’s testimony, this raggedly Mutt re-enacted the “money shot” for all of New York City on stand in “young girl” Natalie Portman.

Got Dammit. That brings a whole new meaning to the phrase “bitch, I want to pee on you, yes I do, I’ll piss on you, I’ll pee on you“…. LOL.. WOW. I know Nat is a Harvard educated humanitarian who is above the petty things in life, but don’t let a mangy mutt piss on you in public. Jesus. And if you’re going to just lay back and accept the piss, the least she could have done was get her aRa Kelly freak nasty chick on and assume the position.

There, that’s better. Can I ask you pissers one question though, what the fuck is wrong with you? And yes, I’m talking to both the piss-or and piss-ee. I mean, I’ve really gotten after some bodacious ass in my day. And I mean, really tried to slam dunk, posturize and run it back on tivo…..but I’ve never wanted to marinate a chick in the cool running of my own urine.

In fact, I wouldn’t care if you took the whole pissing function away from me all together. Quite frankly, it’s something I’d rather do without. And you know the freak nasty pissers always hit first, ahem “finish” and then piss. I mean, who pisses on a chick and then happily cuts dat pissed on ass up?

YUCK. Nah, it’s hit, nut and piss, right? Ok, but once you’re done hitting, if you’re like most men I know, you pretty much want everything to just go away, I mean, the room, the bed, whatever ambiance you have set up and yes, even that chick, you want it all gone….at least most of us do. Basically, if all that shit could just instantly turn into the NBA Playoffs 10 seconds after you were “done” you’d be cool, right? So what is it about the make-up of a pisser that they’re not fully satisfied until they get that last matter of business handled? Finally and I really want to know this, exactly what do you say to a mufucka you just pissed on?

I mean, I really need to know this, because I don’t get the mentality or the mechanics. Help me understand and don’t act you aren’t out there reading this blog, neither. At a minimum, one of you reading this joint right now is either an admitted member of the Piss Masters of America Club, inadvertedly got pissed on and “likeded” that shit, or have gotten your full “I just pissed on a mufucka” on. Break that shit down for me, because I just don’t get it.

– Lake

R. Kelly Trial: The Most Unshocking “GOTCHA” in Legal History

April 22, 2008

Prosecutors in the R. Kelly trial launched their Law & Order style attack on aRa today in court. In trying to prove that he likes young girls, they are whipping out…gasp!…evidence that he married a 15 year old Aaliyah when he was 27. Shocker!

That’s not exactly Columbo type material there. It is actual fact. I think the papers are filed in the state of Illinois. If there was an official marriage, then it was probably legal…dontchathink? Sure, R. Kelly seems to be a sick, sick dude. You know the saying where there’s smoke, there’s fire? Well, right now it is smokier than four weed heads getting their smoke on in a car that is billowing black smoke, with a smoked ham in the trunk, with Smokey Robinson on the radio. The problem is…R. Kelly is fanning the flames with stuff like this:

Yeah, the female tongue belt buckle probably isn’t going to help.

The mask probably wasn’t a good idea either.

Also, if you are going to use the “wadden’t me” defense it is probably a good idea to make your sex tape in a regular room in front of a white wall. Getting it on in your freaking “log cabin” bonus room when you actually have a log cabin bonus room at your house probably isn’t the best idea in the world. I know…I know it was photoshopped, or a doppelganger, or your cousin Brock was at your house that day. Whatever.

Well R. finally figured out that he needs to lay low. So now he is wearing a disguise everywhere he goes.

Niiiice. Real inconspicuous. Dress like Goldylocks before your child exploitation trial. Dammit aRa. You are a musical genius…leave teh young girls alone. I know, you didn’t do it. Jigga – Kelly, not guilteeeee!

-Brock

Decent: Flashing Lights Remix feat. R. Kelly

February 7, 2008

I tend to agree with Weezy when he said:

“And you don’t wanna see my bad side, you would wanna be my ally, and I believe that I can fly, not like R. Kelly, he a damn lie.”

Bad Side, Lil Wayne & Juelz Santana

I mean, R. Kelly really is a muthafucka at this point. With that said, dude still makes a great song and he hypes up a song that’s already hot. Which brings me to my current recommendation for your Ipod.

“And I already got my money riiiight, riiiiiiight, riiii-iiiiite!”

Evil genius.

– Lake