Posts Tagged ‘police sketch’

Yousa Fun-Ni Matta Fakka Hideki

March 29, 2008

Hideki Matsui is one funny dude.


See, he even laughs at his own jokes. Here’s how it went down. When playing with the fellas in Spring training, Matsui made a bet with Derek Jeter and Bobby Abreu on who would get married first. He then flew out the next day to get married. Nice, like me, you never make a bet you don’t already know you are going to win. So after he stacks some cash (gotta be long money right? Jeter’s not making any $20 bets like Lake’s cheap ass.)

So the New York media is all over my man to see what wifey looks like. I’m sure Hideki saw what happened to A Rod and Spitzer when you let the NY press get a hold of your personal life. So he hits ’em with this.


Niiiiiice. I wonder if he drew it himself. He took it so seriously too. That is the equivalent of flicking off the media as far as I’m concerned. At least we know he is keeping it real with the Asian babe.

Hey, bad news ladies, I just got married too. Want to meet wifey?


Drew it myself.


Crimes That Don’t Make Sense: Flashing

March 4, 2008

 So I’m kicking it at the office today when this comes over the wire:
“On Sunday, March 2, 2008, a female undergraduate student reported that
she was the victim of an indecent exposure at approximately 9:00 PM.
She was approached from behind by an unknown male who
tapped her on the shoulder. When she turned around the male opened his
coat and exposed his genitals to the victim. The victim then quickly
left the area. The victim was not physically hurt, and at no time did
the suspect speak.

The offender is described as a white male in his 50s or 60s, 5’11” in
height, with medium build and white bushy hair, clean shaven, and
wearing a long black coat, dark colored shirt, and dark shoes.”


This is just one crime I don’t understand.  First of all, this is a white man crime if I’ve ever heard of one.  Tell me, have you ever heard of a Black flasher?  Don’t think too hard, no…no you haven’t.  Black people rarely streak, or flash their boobs at Mardi Gras, or get caught up on Girls Gone Wild.  It just isn’t what we do.


Okay, that girl on the right might be black…or she may just be standing in a shadow.

Anyway, back to the flasher.  What is the payoff for this crime?  Do they think the woman is going to see the dude’s junk and just fall in love?  Grab a random dick?  Look, we’ve all worked the “I’m naked so we might as well go on ahead and do this” angle with a chick.  That is very different from going butt naked commando style under the coat.

There are so many logistics questions: Do you leave the house with no clothes, or do you ditch the pants halfway?  Do you pick your special extra young t-shirt for maximum junk exposure?  If you don’t have on pants, do you wear socks?  If you don’t wear socks…hell even if you do, how do you avoid looking like a crazy fool?

Finally, this cat was in Boston.  It was cold as hell in Boston last night.  You know he couldn’t have been flashing anything very impressive. 

On another note, why do police sketches all look like the same cockeyed, doesn’t even look human, drawing?  This is not the suspect in the flashing crime above, but a good example of what I’m talking about.


You really think you are going to find that dude?   The dude who looks like a 9th grade sketch project?  The unibrow killer?  The man whose eyes are too high on his head.  His crime should be looking scary as hell.  Nice job on the freckles, sketch artist.