Posts Tagged ‘Olympic Doping’

Man Up Monday: Tyson Gay

August 18, 2008

The Olympics are more than halfway over.  USA is still up in the medal count(although the Chinese would probably like to point out the fact they have more Gold medals – ignoring the fact that 16 of their total medals are in Badminton and Shooting).  You know America has been pushing their Olympic heroes in advertising for months now.  Michael Phelps certainly worked out, but several Olympic athletes did not.  Starting with the Hamm brothers in Gymnastics, both went down with injury at the last second.  The US Gymnastics team got the Silver in the team competition (due to the still mysteriously sexy Alicia Sacramone.  More on her tomorrow.)  But not since the Dan and Dave debacle of 1992 has an Olympic athlete flamed out like this.

Tyson Gay was America’s best hope for capturing the title of “World’s Fastest Man”.  He was even on the cover of the Olympic Games video game.  (Madden Curse, getting stronger?  Brett, watch your back!)  Let’s ignore the fact that every other meet he has to walk around with the word “gay” pinned to his unitard…not the most intimidating presence on the track I’d say, but hey what can he do?

Anyway, Tyson Gay pulled up at the Olympic trials a few months ago with a bad hammy.  Luckily he had already qualified for the 100 meter dash so he still got to go to the Olympics.

See, this is for all of the people who believe we should send our “stars” no matter what happens to them in the trials.  I say if they are supposed to win, they are supposed to win the trials too.  So Tyson shows up and makes it through the prelims, but doesn’t even get to the finals.  He didn’t even make the finals.  Daaaaamn Homey.  You used to be the Maaaaaan Homey!  I knew it too.

Look at my man’s face.  All my track people out there know his face is too tight.  I mean he looks like he is trying to get rid of Michael Phelps’ daily dietHe’s making that face Mike Epps made in “All about the Benjamins” when he was making fun of the old dude.  Seben-fittay.  You cna’t win when you are straining it out like that.  How does one of our national heroes get beat before he even gets to the finals.  You know America, we’d rather not show up than get beat on the track.

The real problem…it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.  Usain Bolt DESTROYED the field.  Can you find Usain Bolt in this picture?

Don’t look over by the runners in the picture.  Look waaaaaay over there to the right after the finish line.  I had to go wide screen on it he won by so much.  I mean Bolt is damn near putting his warmups back on and eating his post race snack before the rest of the “greatest athletes in the world” even cross the finish line.  And he ran a 9.69.  And he started clowing and high-stepping like Deion Sanders at the 80 meter mark.  And he rocked the carzy point it out pose before the race.

These pics are so crazy.

Is this guy playing a video game?  I guess that 6’5″ really matters in this sport.  I hope the dude doesn’t go all Ben Johnson on us because this is amazing.  By the way, two quick questions.  Are genetics really so strong that there isn’t a single individual of Nordic and/or European, Eastern Bloc descent that can even get near the semi-finals of this race?  I mean there are no melanin challenged individuals in the arena when this race goes down.  Do the brothers have it on lock like this?  I don’t like to perpetuate stereotypes, (yeah, right) but damn.  Also, when did the Jamaican’s corner the market on fast?  Three Jamacians in the mens and the womens finals in the 100.  That is crazy for such a small country.  Tell the bobsled team to step their game up.

Tyson Gay…Man Up!

-Brock

———–UPDATE—————

Tyson.  Carl Lewis called.  Even he said you need to man up.  That’s.  Not.  Good.

I’m just sayin’.

It’s Little Thick Chick Season…I Mean Time For Women’s Gymnastics!

July 29, 2008

The Olympics are coming.  I’ve already covered the soon to be big story on doping. In fact we should start a UvT pool to lay money down on which sport will see the first illegal substance abuser.  Track & Field and Cycling are even money.  Weightlifting?  Boxing?  Wrestling?  Archery?  We’re not here to talk about that though.  We’re here to talk about the one sport where this is reasonable.

What is a sport really about when whatever that chick is doing scores you points?  I’ll tell you what though, that calf and thigh are right.  On the list of “porn before the internet”, Womens gymnastics is right between the aforementioned “Kiana Tom Flex Appeal” and trying to make heads or tails (literally) out of the scrambled porn channel.  So ladies, if you are ready to show em what cha working wit…raise your hands.

Well then lets carry on…and I see you on the far right.

Gymnasts let you know the ass piece is just another muscle.  It can be developed.  Sure, these little ladies look a little skrong in competition…no hips, shoulders a bit too wide for comfort, but their are just laying the foundation down for the future.  Don’t believe me?

Fine, let’s go old school.  Dominique Dawes.  Here’s Atlanta 1996.

A little on the slim side, but I appreciate the flexibility.  Here she is now.

See?  She filled out nicely.

Fine, another example.  Betty Okino.  I mean she was in the olympics in what? 88 and 92?

Sure, her abs are about as diesel as the j’s here…but once again, you gotta project the future…you gotta have that eye.

Bam.  She’s bad.  Still not convinced?  Angle 2?

She’s still got the abs.  You feeling me now?  Oh and as an added bonus?  She can stil do this.

That might be the first upside down triple tuck™.

Betty, holla at your boy Brock if you’re out there.

-Brock

———UPDATE————

When I was writing this last night, something wasn’t right.  When I was driving into Us Versus Them HQ, something wasn’t right.  Then Will pinpointed it for me in the comments…

 

These chicks are too young.  Look, my boys know, I like a fresh faced pretty young thang, but they gotta be legal.  I’m from the ATL, but I’m not cool with statutory being set at 16 years old in that state…I’m not a “old enough to bleed, old enough for me dude” (worst phrase ever), I’m no Humbert Humbert, no Mark Chmura, you feel me?

Then I realized, the Olympics are like leap year.  There is a four year gap, and a lot of things change in four years.  I’m talking about 1988, 1992, and 1996 where checking the tail piece of a 16 to 18 year old chick was cool.  It’s 2008.  My perspective is all off.  I’m much younger in leap years than I am in real years…does that make it cool?  Nah, it doesn’t.  I guess it is Beach Volleyball and swimming for me in 2008.

There.  I feel better.  Betty Okino is still bad though.

-Brock

Doping Watch: 2008 China Olympics

June 5, 2008

The Olympic games start on 08/08/08 (marketing genius…that’s sarcasm) and that means it is time for people to pretend to care about national pride as a bunch of “amateurs” get to represent the country in international competition.

Now with the games taking place halfway around the world, that means that we will all know the results long before NBC elects to televise anything…but the summer Olympics also mean it’s doping time!  You know there are athletes “cycling down” from the roids right now.  If the Balco boys were still around there would be some clear, some cream, and by now they’d probably have some the rub, the balm, the paste and the salve getting people cranked up for competition.

So let’s crank up the Us Versus Them odds machine to predict which sport is going to produce the first dopes up athlete.

Weightlifting:  The guys are just too obvious, right?  But what about the chicks?  Have you seen these ladies?

Come on man.  Those babes are on that stuff.  First of all, why does it look like the little chick is lifting the same amount of weight as the big chick.  That ain’t right.

Olympic cycling

Yup, after Roid Landis, you know the cycling team is looking for an edge.  They are definitely on the watch list.

Gymnastics: Yeaaaaaaah, probably not.  Check out the Hamm midgets.

Have you ever heard these guys talk?  They sound like Alvin and the damn chipmunks.  These two are on watch all right, but it isn’t for dope.

We all know where the real action is.  On the track.

Sometimes it runs in the family.  Here’s what to watch for.  If one of these grown ass men has braces, they might be on that stuff.  If they drag the field by three lengths like Big Brown…they might be on that stuff.  If their first name is Maurice and their last name is Greene…they might be on that stuff.

My bad Mo, that was a cheap shot.

Here’s the best thing.  They media and the athletes are already rolling out the fact that the Chinese use steroids on their cattle.  Sure, blame it on the food.

First the supplements, now the food.  Get ready America, someone is going down.

-Brock