Posts Tagged ‘Nick Cannon’

That Nick should have never married Mari- STOP IT’S THE MUTHAF#CKIN REMIX!!!

May 6, 2008

Uhhhh!!!!! Yo, it’s amazing what 48 hours will do. Brock and I were sitting in my office on Friday talking about how crazy this Nack Cannon married to Mariah story was. That convo went pretty much like this: “I’ve never seen a bucked naked chick look more un-sexy than her”… “yeah, besides, she’s always naked and has never looked better but she’s still terrible. I think there’s just something wrong with the face”.

I mean, the quotes went on and on. The culmination of that convo was that post you saw yesterday. Well, sheeyut I guess Mariah and Nick must have been reading the blog because they responded in a MAJOR way with these hot bikini shots of Nick’s old ball and chain from d magazine.

Wow, now I definitely know what he issue was… babe was overweight. Now don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t fat, but for someone who spends the majority of her time in public half naked, she didn’t have a half naked body. She had to shed a clean 10 pounds and shed those lbs she did, look at these pictures.

Damn, I’m still not loving the babe, but I do have to give credit where it’s due. She looks pretty damn good right here.

That stomach is tight….

But that weird smile still aint right. Is it just me or does Mariah have the face of TI’s chick? You know that Tiny from Xcape?

Yep, she’s a dead ringer. Her nickname is Tiny and Mariah’s is Mimi..too much.

Anyway, back to Nick and Mariah. Not only did Mimi tighten up her body, but if you believe the reports, Mariah married Nick WITHOUT A PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT.

Talk about that Make it Rain Remix…Damn, I can’t believe she went out like that. No prenup is like running in the streets and just hittin raw dog, you can’t do it at her level. And I aint saying Nick’s a golddigga, but he didn’t marry that broke sista (comparatively of course).

Now I know Mariah said that Nick will soon realize, at the tender age of 50, that his still bucked naked ass wife piece is pushing 50, flabulous and probably one tour away from getting that Aretha Thunder (and believe me, it makes you wonder, but not in a good way).

But the truth is, we all know Nack and Mariah are doomed from the start. Come on…It’s Mariah Carey. She’s nuts, obsessed with being young, plastic and sexy, but she’s 38. Nick is going to want to cash them checks errrr settle down with a woman capable of actually having a family. Come on now, on the real, Nick will probably wait for about 20 months or so to get outside the annulment period and then peace Mariah Carey-Cannon out as he gets his Nick “It’s her money” Lachey on. Damn, I need to move to LA, get my male bimbo/golddigger game tight.

-Lake

——–UPDATE——–

Mmmmmmyyyyyiiiiion’t know Lake. That looks like a photoshop special to me. Mariah ain’t rocking that perfectly concave hourglass like that. In fact that joint had to be shot in front of a greenscreen with the perfect beach horizon. Look, she’s either worked on, or had someone else work on that midsection and clearly is better than she’s ever been before, but there is some junior graphic designer buried in the basement of Vibe magazine HQ that will be getting a Mercedes for Christmas straight from Mimi herself as payment for making her look so good.

-Brock

Boring: Nack Cannon and Mariah Got Married?

May 5, 2008

Has there ever been a more boring couple that you could have less use for?

OK. I’ll admit, I have a use for Rihanna’s thick ass thigh over there on the left side, but otherwise I’m not too excited. What’s interesting about these two is that I actually have a use for both when they’re apart, just not together. Fine, I’m just hatin’, if Rihanna needed a place to pop, lock and drop it, I’d be her man too.

Even more useless than these two? Can it get worse? Yes it can… A bunch of media outlets are saying that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married in “the islands” (whatever that means) a few days back.

He’s 27, she’s 38 (damn, Mariah is that old?) Why in the hell would Nick mess with her and then really put it down like that?

Ok, but other than her dough? Come on… Nick makes some money from that awful improv show and besides, he’s been blazing Kim Kardashian and Selita Ebanks… come on, you don’t go from Filet Mignon and Lobster to Arby’s people, I’m sorry. And before you comment, Arby’s is exactly what Mariah is. I mean, have you ever seen someone with big breasts, minimal fat and long hair look less sexy in a revealing outfit?

Look, I give Mariah credit. She looks better now than she’s ever looked before. But Nick, look long and hard. This is a 38 year old woman, and it is never going to be any better than what you see here. You were dating a Vicky Secrets model. And you end up with Mariah? I know the kid on Chappelle’s show thought you were “Hilaaaaarious” but you ain’t that funny to me. In fact, this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen you do and I’m laughing at you, not with you.

While you are going downhill…I can’t hate on the track record. You went from this…

Ooooooh. Christina “two scoops” Milian does it for me every time.

To this:

I wasn’t up on Selita Ebanks too tough, but I am now. That ass piece is struggling to escape…and I like that.

To this:

Damn, I thought that was photoshopped, but I think that is real from 2005

Come on, I wouldn’t date Mariah Carey….sans that money. Sheyut, everybody has a price. Anyway, this must be a fake story or a publicity stunt. Either way, it kind of makes me yawn.

Nick, I hope all that money acts as a salve when you look up at age 35 and your lady is pushing 50 and you feel that pain for not opting for a young tender when you had the chance. Nick, remember the assology mantra…thick today is swole tomorrow.

Who am I kidding, this might not last the whole calendar year. Especially when Mariah finds out Nick remixed the ring he gave Selita.

-Brock