Posts Tagged ‘Nick Cannon married Mariah Carey’

People Had Jokes For Nick, But Who’s Laughing Now?

August 19, 2008

Maaaayne, I can’t never lie.  Even I was semi hatin on young Nicolai for his random nuptial announcement with Mimi.  But I must admit, if Mooriah keeps it slim and dare I say cute, it seems like Mrs. Nick Carey made a helluva deal in this one:

Damn, this is the best I’ve seen Mariah..well, EVA!  That dress is looking right, the legs, sittin on dubbs, are propped up looking good and that midriff is securely tucked in tight so that we don’t have to worry about that weird stomach piece.  See, with no belly out, she just looks like a hype ass extra aerobicized “not quite yet a cougar.”  It’s a good look for her, but more importantly, it’s a good look for young Nickle.  I mean, how much loot do you think this cat has cleared in deferred products and services already since he got married?

Sure she probably has him tightened up with a pre-nup, but if he can get those fertility pills to work, get a few more European vacations and live to see a couple Christmas/Birthday combos, I’d say this little venture was a complete success.  Then, once he’s stacked enough cougar paper, he can get back to the level (and age) of lady he was accustomed to before.

And let’s face it, Nack can use MC’s dough.  I aint gonna say the dude isn’t talented, because he is.  But that Wild’n out became played riiiight after Wayne Brady came on and blew up the spot.  Yep, Young Nick has done well with this little investment in MC’s long loot cakes and from the looks of those long grins, life is lovely and a far cry from these days.

Crazy how much better a cat looks with some money. I mean, look at this pic versus that first pic above.  It’s literally a new cat once he was dipped in dollars (the one and only hot line from Loon’s rap career).

– Lake

Someone Needs To Tell Mariah That She’s 38

July 23, 2008

Is it just me?

Or does Mariah dress like she’s 15?  First off, all women need to dress for their body.  If you’ve got 38 double Deez, you may not be able to pull off that little halter that a more moderately proportioned woman can.  Which is fine, because she can’t look as good in that evening dress (unless she’s murdering you and ME with that tail).  It all balances off.  But generally speaking, Mariah bucks all the rules and suffers as a result.  The older she gets, the less gear she rocks.  Hey, just because you’ve got the dough to get meals prepared, have that erryday personal trainer, liposuction and all kind of tummy tucks doesn’t mean you should roll around half-naked.

And that stomach piece is NOT right.  Sure, those abs may look like they’re 25 but the belly button looks like it’s 56.  Every time I see it, it’s just crying out to me for help, shivering in the cold.  It’s just awful and it knows it.  The thing is, Mariah would be a hot middle-aged woman if she just dressed right.  But now she’s just a myopic cougar who clearly doesn’t have a lot of honest people around her.  Basically, she’s the coug version of Peter Pan.  Clearly Nick doesn’t have his lady in check?

I know, I know.

– Lake

Nick Cannon & Mariah = WTF of the Century

May 9, 2008

Jesus take the wheel. Lake and KIR in NV from the comments you might both need to check the estimates on the divorce countdown, because when Nick Cannon commits to his second fiance in two years…he REALLY commits. Check this out:

wtf? WTF?!?!?!?!?!!!!111111one1!1! WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THAT? Is this dude serious? I originally thought that was some thugged out joint he got a long time ago. Nah player…that joint says “Mariah”. First of all, let’s get down to the basics. There is no reason. Not never. For a grown man to have the name Mariah written across his back in four inch tall letters from shoulder to shoulder. Second, you just don’t do that shit. At least do something that you can cover up later without looking like you’ve been in San Quentin for 23 years. Oh, and Mariah got one too.

A Butterfly, her icon for years that says “Mrs. Cannon” down the middle…oh and by the way she can cover that shit with a butterfly thorax in about three minutes when this wild ass relationship is over and it will look like it was never there.

What is Nick going to do? Start in one arm pit and write out “Where’s the gyM…ARrrr…I…AHhh don’t know” stretching over to the other armpit?

Dumbass. I guess Celebrity Love makes you do some crazy ass things. My hope is that it was like a game show.

Mariah: Nick you can either marry me and sign this little 80 page prenuptual agreement or we can’t do it.

Nick: But I love you girl. I want to be with you forever!

Mariah: How do I know that? I don’t know that. You can’t prove that to me. How about this, why don’t you go to the tattoo parlor and get my name tattooed on your back in big ass letters then we will fly a photographer down and take high res closeups of the tattoo and publish them in the worlds most popular weekly entertainment magazine in the world? Then you share everything I’ve got baby.

Deal or No Deal?

Nick: DEAL!

Even Howie thought he should have held out a little bit longer.

And so does Us Versus Them.

-Brock

=============Update===============

Fucking unbelievable. Brock aint never lied about the odd dichotomy between the two tats. That shit is just too overdone.. I mean, who was Nick’s tattoo artist, Raymo from Beat Street? That sit is awful. And how classy is it of Mariah to get that 2008 tramp stamp? Like we haven’t learned about Tat Regret in the last 10 years. Jeez. And what’s with her and the butterfly anyway? Maybe it’s just me, but I hate a butterly (lady bug too). They’re both still nasty to me. A butterfly aint nothing but a house fly’s hood rat cousin with a dope ass weave. It’s still a nasty pest that I don’t want around. Terrible.

Maaayne, the more I think about it, the more I’m beginning to believe that Nick’s “tat” would wash off like quicker than a dry erase board. Man, that shit aint real. I smell a publicity rat. No man with any damn sense (granted, I can’t speak to his common sense compass) would actually put those size letters on his back.

My bad LeBron. By the way, isn’t it a bit presumptuous for this dude to put “chosen 1” on his back? I mean, you hoop, it aint like you’re God or something. Come on now. And if you’re “Chosen” then why did the Celtics check your candy ass up out of TD Bank Norf Garden wih the greatest of ease last night. Shit, if you can walk on water, why can’t you hit a damn jumper?! Anyway, back to this tat….this is when you need an older man, preferably your POPS, in your life to just tell your ass “NO, you ARE NOT getting Chosen 1 tattooed on your back, boy…I don’t care what you say, now go downstairs and help your mother straighten the front room up, we’re having company over.”

Anyway, I’m starting not to buy and of this Nick and Mariah bullshit. I think it’s all a joke. I know, any minute now Ashton Kutcher is going to pop out and tell us how he tricked us all.

He’ll warn us against digging into celebrity lives… right? AHNT. Something aint right. We need Kir, who I guess knows this dude personally, to confirm that he could possibly be this clueless. Note that you never actually see them kissing in these pics. I don’t like it. The tat could not be any more overdone and while I probably would tat up for that kind of paper (what can I say?), I don’t think a semi established, somewhat working actor like Nick would do the same. I don’t know. I don’t like it. I have my money on fake wedding, fake tat, fake everything..hell, I’m not even writing this right now….Just wait, they’ll come with some wack “ha ha” we fooled you nonsense in about a month’s time. Terrible.

– Lake

That Nick should have never married Mari- STOP IT’S THE MUTHAF#CKIN REMIX!!!

May 6, 2008

Uhhhh!!!!! Yo, it’s amazing what 48 hours will do. Brock and I were sitting in my office on Friday talking about how crazy this Nack Cannon married to Mariah story was. That convo went pretty much like this: “I’ve never seen a bucked naked chick look more un-sexy than her”… “yeah, besides, she’s always naked and has never looked better but she’s still terrible. I think there’s just something wrong with the face”.

I mean, the quotes went on and on. The culmination of that convo was that post you saw yesterday. Well, sheeyut I guess Mariah and Nick must have been reading the blog because they responded in a MAJOR way with these hot bikini shots of Nick’s old ball and chain from d magazine.

Wow, now I definitely know what he issue was… babe was overweight. Now don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t fat, but for someone who spends the majority of her time in public half naked, she didn’t have a half naked body. She had to shed a clean 10 pounds and shed those lbs she did, look at these pictures.

Damn, I’m still not loving the babe, but I do have to give credit where it’s due. She looks pretty damn good right here.

That stomach is tight….

But that weird smile still aint right. Is it just me or does Mariah have the face of TI’s chick? You know that Tiny from Xcape?

Yep, she’s a dead ringer. Her nickname is Tiny and Mariah’s is Mimi..too much.

Anyway, back to Nick and Mariah. Not only did Mimi tighten up her body, but if you believe the reports, Mariah married Nick WITHOUT A PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT.

Talk about that Make it Rain Remix…Damn, I can’t believe she went out like that. No prenup is like running in the streets and just hittin raw dog, you can’t do it at her level. And I aint saying Nick’s a golddigga, but he didn’t marry that broke sista (comparatively of course).

Now I know Mariah said that Nick will soon realize, at the tender age of 50, that his still bucked naked ass wife piece is pushing 50, flabulous and probably one tour away from getting that Aretha Thunder (and believe me, it makes you wonder, but not in a good way).

But the truth is, we all know Nack and Mariah are doomed from the start. Come on…It’s Mariah Carey. She’s nuts, obsessed with being young, plastic and sexy, but she’s 38. Nick is going to want to cash them checks errrr settle down with a woman capable of actually having a family. Come on now, on the real, Nick will probably wait for about 20 months or so to get outside the annulment period and then peace Mariah Carey-Cannon out as he gets his Nick “It’s her money” Lachey on. Damn, I need to move to LA, get my male bimbo/golddigger game tight.

-Lake

——–UPDATE——–

Mmmmmmyyyyyiiiiion’t know Lake. That looks like a photoshop special to me. Mariah ain’t rocking that perfectly concave hourglass like that. In fact that joint had to be shot in front of a greenscreen with the perfect beach horizon. Look, she’s either worked on, or had someone else work on that midsection and clearly is better than she’s ever been before, but there is some junior graphic designer buried in the basement of Vibe magazine HQ that will be getting a Mercedes for Christmas straight from Mimi herself as payment for making her look so good.

-Brock