Posts Tagged ‘Mariah Carey’

People Had Jokes For Nick, But Who’s Laughing Now?

August 19, 2008

Maaaayne, I can’t never lie.  Even I was semi hatin on young Nicolai for his random nuptial announcement with Mimi.  But I must admit, if Mooriah keeps it slim and dare I say cute, it seems like Mrs. Nick Carey made a helluva deal in this one:

Damn, this is the best I’ve seen Mariah..well, EVA!  That dress is looking right, the legs, sittin on dubbs, are propped up looking good and that midriff is securely tucked in tight so that we don’t have to worry about that weird stomach piece.  See, with no belly out, she just looks like a hype ass extra aerobicized “not quite yet a cougar.”  It’s a good look for her, but more importantly, it’s a good look for young Nickle.  I mean, how much loot do you think this cat has cleared in deferred products and services already since he got married?

Sure she probably has him tightened up with a pre-nup, but if he can get those fertility pills to work, get a few more European vacations and live to see a couple Christmas/Birthday combos, I’d say this little venture was a complete success.  Then, once he’s stacked enough cougar paper, he can get back to the level (and age) of lady he was accustomed to before.

And let’s face it, Nack can use MC’s dough.  I aint gonna say the dude isn’t talented, because he is.  But that Wild’n out became played riiiight after Wayne Brady came on and blew up the spot.  Yep, Young Nick has done well with this little investment in MC’s long loot cakes and from the looks of those long grins, life is lovely and a far cry from these days.

Crazy how much better a cat looks with some money. I mean, look at this pic versus that first pic above.  It’s literally a new cat once he was dipped in dollars (the one and only hot line from Loon’s rap career).

– Lake

Someone Needs To Tell Mariah That She’s 38

July 23, 2008

Is it just me?

Or does Mariah dress like she’s 15?  First off, all women need to dress for their body.  If you’ve got 38 double Deez, you may not be able to pull off that little halter that a more moderately proportioned woman can.  Which is fine, because she can’t look as good in that evening dress (unless she’s murdering you and ME with that tail).  It all balances off.  But generally speaking, Mariah bucks all the rules and suffers as a result.  The older she gets, the less gear she rocks.  Hey, just because you’ve got the dough to get meals prepared, have that erryday personal trainer, liposuction and all kind of tummy tucks doesn’t mean you should roll around half-naked.

And that stomach piece is NOT right.  Sure, those abs may look like they’re 25 but the belly button looks like it’s 56.  Every time I see it, it’s just crying out to me for help, shivering in the cold.  It’s just awful and it knows it.  The thing is, Mariah would be a hot middle-aged woman if she just dressed right.  But now she’s just a myopic cougar who clearly doesn’t have a lot of honest people around her.  Basically, she’s the coug version of Peter Pan.  Clearly Nick doesn’t have his lady in check?

I know, I know.

– Lake

Lake’s Perfunctory Chicks Post

May 21, 2008

Now I know there are all kinds of worthy topics out there.  You’ve got Hillary’s bullshit win in West Vir-tucky last night, the fact that Jeter, Johnny Damon and the human sweat gland, Jason “the Juice” Giambi share a gold thong and hell, I don’t know, those two gay facers squaring off in the increasingly irrelevant American Idol final.  But I don’t want to talk about that.  In fact, I won’t talk about that.  Do you know why?  Because I come out here and blog semi everyday for “us” but still I get criticized by these half haters for everything I’m NOT doing.  Like my boy, “Freddie Beef” graduating from Harvard right about now, this cat had the audacity to roll on me the other day talking about how I’m “getting soft on that ho game.” 

I mean, this cat was literally like, “yeah Lake, the blog is cool and all.  I feel you on that Republican bullshit and those religious right cats are completely ridiculous, but what about these chicks son?  I mean, quit that chit chat ‘for that blog is flat on it’s bizzack…fool.” 

Mutha-fucka!  Now I know how Allen Iverson felt with that whole “Practice” and “why do I have to” rants.  I don’t give you enough lows, pink tizzoes and hizzoes?  Me?!  Are you farging kidding me? (and yes that was a hot Johnny Dangerously reference).  Yall want the ladies?  I’mma give you some ladies. 

Let’s start off with a newly married Mariah Carey Cannon.  Dude, remember when I praised her long about two weeks ago for her Hollywood smooth body piece?  Well, I guess it’s like my girl Jabz B from DC says, “Everything is fake,” because Mimi is beginning to look exactly like who we thought she was.

Say what?  Yo, is it just me or is everybody just going dead up tits out, I’m free and buck-ed naked?  I mean, that’s not the outfit I think it is, is it?  Angle two please…

Damn, it’s like Kanye said in Diamonds, no not “how could you falter when you’ve got rocks of Gibralter“… it’s that “How could something so wrong, make me feel so right…Right?”  Now I’m not sure how that applies, but it’s exactly what I feel when I peep this picture.  I mean, nipples fully exposed.  Breasts just all the way out and stomach not quite looking right.  Yep, one week post wedding and Mariah’s already falling into utter disrepair with a plethora of code violations to boot. 

Damn…  I mean, it aint negative ass, but it sure as hell aint positive either.  I mean, what are we really looking at here?  An evening dress?  An all hallows outfit?  Yeah, I see the red carpet, but for all of our sake, I’m just going to assume she’s at Target shopping for some more appropriate drawls for that “dress.”  Yikes. 

Damn, I need to cleanse my palate after that.  Hmmmm, how would I do that?  Ah yes, with some country fried, Jessica Biel goodness…

Wow, do I hear birds chirping?  And why is there a subtle but steady crescendo in my ear to the beat of that Genuwine (that spelling, while accurate, is crazy by the way) classic “So Anxious“?  Maybe it’s the bronzer she’s got going on that upper thigh, just talking to a nilla.

It’s ten-ten….where you been?  Did you get my message?”  Timberlake has to be the eternal UvT man of the year for this babe. 

Anyway, let’s keep this thang rolling.  We’ve pitted good against terrible and then terrible against good.  I mean, it’s like a Chick Picture version of the Paul Pierce v. LeBron battle in game 7.  So after that lovely specimen known as Biel, you know I gotta hit ya with a force for not good.  Yep, you guessed it, Rihanna making it drought on these bros. 


Say WHAT?  I can’t lie, this is the best I’ve EVER seen this babe.  I mean, she’s looking downright tasty right chere in what I can only describe as a “light in the thigh, look in the eye” special.  And while he told me she’s far too geriatric for his purposes, even a soon to be jailed aRa “He a damn Lie” Kelly had to come out of hiding to take in that silky wholesome goodness. 

Can she do it again? 

Awwww…  Ok, I just gotta stay positive.  How can I turn this around, oh I know, let me crack open my Smooth Girl and see what they — oh yes, my girl Buckeey… right on time.

Hey, aint no doubting that.  That’s why I like Buckeey, because even though that window dressing might be fake, those Dow Jones like fundamentals are rock solid…literally.  

Smooth girl indeed.  Ok, now knowing the ladies who read this blog like I do, I’m pretty sure that a clean 54% of you are feeling just about like this right now:

But that’s ok becuase like Shaunie O’neal, you pretty much knew what you were buying when you decided to F with Lake and Brock to begin with.



– Lake

That Nick should have never married Mari- STOP IT’S THE MUTHAF#CKIN REMIX!!!

May 6, 2008

Uhhhh!!!!! Yo, it’s amazing what 48 hours will do. Brock and I were sitting in my office on Friday talking about how crazy this Nack Cannon married to Mariah story was. That convo went pretty much like this: “I’ve never seen a bucked naked chick look more un-sexy than her”… “yeah, besides, she’s always naked and has never looked better but she’s still terrible. I think there’s just something wrong with the face”.

I mean, the quotes went on and on. The culmination of that convo was that post you saw yesterday. Well, sheeyut I guess Mariah and Nick must have been reading the blog because they responded in a MAJOR way with these hot bikini shots of Nick’s old ball and chain from d magazine.

Wow, now I definitely know what he issue was… babe was overweight. Now don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t fat, but for someone who spends the majority of her time in public half naked, she didn’t have a half naked body. She had to shed a clean 10 pounds and shed those lbs she did, look at these pictures.

Damn, I’m still not loving the babe, but I do have to give credit where it’s due. She looks pretty damn good right here.

That stomach is tight….

But that weird smile still aint right. Is it just me or does Mariah have the face of TI’s chick? You know that Tiny from Xcape?

Yep, she’s a dead ringer. Her nickname is Tiny and Mariah’s is Mimi..too much.

Anyway, back to Nick and Mariah. Not only did Mimi tighten up her body, but if you believe the reports, Mariah married Nick WITHOUT A PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT.

Talk about that Make it Rain Remix…Damn, I can’t believe she went out like that. No prenup is like running in the streets and just hittin raw dog, you can’t do it at her level. And I aint saying Nick’s a golddigga, but he didn’t marry that broke sista (comparatively of course).

Now I know Mariah said that Nick will soon realize, at the tender age of 50, that his still bucked naked ass wife piece is pushing 50, flabulous and probably one tour away from getting that Aretha Thunder (and believe me, it makes you wonder, but not in a good way).

But the truth is, we all know Nack and Mariah are doomed from the start. Come on…It’s Mariah Carey. She’s nuts, obsessed with being young, plastic and sexy, but she’s 38. Nick is going to want to cash them checks errrr settle down with a woman capable of actually having a family. Come on now, on the real, Nick will probably wait for about 20 months or so to get outside the annulment period and then peace Mariah Carey-Cannon out as he gets his Nick “It’s her money” Lachey on. Damn, I need to move to LA, get my male bimbo/golddigger game tight.



Mmmmmmyyyyyiiiiion’t know Lake. That looks like a photoshop special to me. Mariah ain’t rocking that perfectly concave hourglass like that. In fact that joint had to be shot in front of a greenscreen with the perfect beach horizon. Look, she’s either worked on, or had someone else work on that midsection and clearly is better than she’s ever been before, but there is some junior graphic designer buried in the basement of Vibe magazine HQ that will be getting a Mercedes for Christmas straight from Mimi herself as payment for making her look so good.


Boring: Nack Cannon and Mariah Got Married?

May 5, 2008

Has there ever been a more boring couple that you could have less use for?

OK. I’ll admit, I have a use for Rihanna’s thick ass thigh over there on the left side, but otherwise I’m not too excited. What’s interesting about these two is that I actually have a use for both when they’re apart, just not together. Fine, I’m just hatin’, if Rihanna needed a place to pop, lock and drop it, I’d be her man too.

Even more useless than these two? Can it get worse? Yes it can… A bunch of media outlets are saying that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married in “the islands” (whatever that means) a few days back.

He’s 27, she’s 38 (damn, Mariah is that old?) Why in the hell would Nick mess with her and then really put it down like that?

Ok, but other than her dough? Come on… Nick makes some money from that awful improv show and besides, he’s been blazing Kim Kardashian and Selita Ebanks… come on, you don’t go from Filet Mignon and Lobster to Arby’s people, I’m sorry. And before you comment, Arby’s is exactly what Mariah is. I mean, have you ever seen someone with big breasts, minimal fat and long hair look less sexy in a revealing outfit?

Look, I give Mariah credit. She looks better now than she’s ever looked before. But Nick, look long and hard. This is a 38 year old woman, and it is never going to be any better than what you see here. You were dating a Vicky Secrets model. And you end up with Mariah? I know the kid on Chappelle’s show thought you were “Hilaaaaarious” but you ain’t that funny to me. In fact, this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen you do and I’m laughing at you, not with you.

While you are going downhill…I can’t hate on the track record. You went from this…

Ooooooh. Christina “two scoops” Milian does it for me every time.

To this:

I wasn’t up on Selita Ebanks too tough, but I am now. That ass piece is struggling to escape…and I like that.

To this:

Damn, I thought that was photoshopped, but I think that is real from 2005

Come on, I wouldn’t date Mariah Carey….sans that money. Sheyut, everybody has a price. Anyway, this must be a fake story or a publicity stunt. Either way, it kind of makes me yawn.

Nick, I hope all that money acts as a salve when you look up at age 35 and your lady is pushing 50 and you feel that pain for not opting for a young tender when you had the chance. Nick, remember the assology mantra…thick today is swole tomorrow.

Who am I kidding, this might not last the whole calendar year. Especially when Mariah finds out Nick remixed the ring he gave Selita.


Jessica, this just isn’t sexy

April 10, 2008

I’m not looking to pile on Jessica Simpson. After all, it’s fairly clear that enough people hate her at this point, so she definitely doesn’t need Lake sticking yet another foot in that flat ass. But she makes it pretty hard. There was that terrible situation with the pink football jersey (by the way, if you’re older than 12, and that’s pushing it, ALL those pink versions of professional sports jerseys are terrible), the Nick Lachey divorce that she clearly got the worst of and just an overall Britney-esque dip in her career/appeal that has her pegged as public enemy number one these days. Anyway, with all that said, I can’t figure out for the life of me why Jess had to go ahead and do something like this?

I mean, what is that supposed to be? Sexy? Am I the only man who finds this a little bit repulsive? Let’s be clear here, there’s a real chance that a lady you love could be rocking the Mack 3 for real, so why would they stage this foolishness like that aint a bigger epidemic in our communities than Bitchassness? Nobody wants to see mess like this. I know, I know, it’s a remake of a classic cover that I just don’t get.

You’re right, I don’t get it. I don’t want to get it. There’s something about seeing some wild cream on my ladies face and my razor in her hand that makes me uncomfortable with myself. It just aint right. Wasn’t sexy back when, aint sexy now. And they picked the wrong chick to do it anyway. Jessica Simpson has basically passed into the Mariah Carey Zone. What’s the Mariah Zone? It’s when I chick has all the goods that, in theory, should be attractive, namely the J game, reasonably nice waistline, passable backside, above average wig piece and all the rest, but when you see it all put together, something about it just aint right.

Ok, that’s a somewhat bad example because that’s the best picture of Mariah I’ve ever Still, I was telling Brock the other day that B’s and Mariah, go back like Cajuns and jambalaya but even since she got the boob job, it still aint all that impressive.

I don’t know, maybe it’s that surgically tricked out stomach with the equally plastic smile.

And no, that curvature around the mid-section is NOT evidence of any kind of ass. I saw some blogs with headlines of Mariah’s alleged ass and this was the picture I saw. Come on now people, this shows ass? She didn’t even bother to hook up the standard arched back pose. How you gonna go side arch? Terrible.

Anyway, after that major digression, Jessica is now in the same boat for me. For instance, I look at this picture of Jessica:

See, nothing. It’s just not sexy. It’s Jessica. I don’t know, she just lost her appeal somewhere around the Duke’s of Hazard Movie and never got it back. But believe me, reminding me that plenty of women really have to fire up that Norelco isn’t making things any easier. Jess, start with the music, then get a new man, change up that look and bring it all back. Come on now… Put the razor down, pick the music back up. Nick is already murdering you in the post divorce score board. You just have to do better.


Is Mariah Carey Bad?

March 11, 2008

Mariah Carey has a new album coming out and this is how she decided to promote it. A few weeks ago she let people know her breast implants were still in full effect.


Shirt tight, chain disappearing into the dark abyss of her cleavage, hands actually pulling the shirt OPEN. Real subtle Mariah. Wait, those aren’t implants you say? Please.

Well I guess that wasn’t moving spins on the radio because she went on and broke out the full monty with a well placed magazine and wine glass.


Well hold on a damn minute now. That is the stomach of a damn 22 year old. Hold on while I google something right quick…

..and I’m back. Mariah was born in March 1970, which means she is hitting 38 in a few weeks. What the hell? Now I know Mariah was not that tight a few years ago. I mean this picture looks candid, but does she have a personal photoshop paparazzo that follows her around? Well she needs to keep them around because she is looking great. Intern, can we dial up another angle?


Damn, it is tight over here too. Come on man, something ain’t right. Those lines are too clean. Is my mind playing tricks on me? Whatever is going on, Mariah is still out there working hard. I don’t know if it is in the gym, under the knife, or in the retouchers computer, but she’s working somewhere.



She’s bad alright, but it’s bad meaning bad not bad meaning good, ya dig? I can’t lie though, she’s kinda CrazySexyCougarlicious in that white blouse. I don’t know, there’s something about some large Js in a tight button down, it kind of trumps everything else for me. Man, Mariah really fucked herself up. I like Vision of Love Mariah.


That Mariah gave you everything you needed, but not too much. I don’t know, there’s just something about the fake J game that isn’t right. I mean, it’s literally like the steroid era in Major League Baseball, it’s just fucked up the UvT pastime. Hell, she aint been right since she made that remix with ODB. In fact, let’s go ahead and run that joint for kicks.

Don’t get me wrong, it was a hot song, but everything was down hill from there on out.

– Lake


Damn Lake.  Do we need to have a staff meeting?  First you give Mario a pass for banging out that video chick, now this.  Hey it was a question.  Mariah’s stomach is as tight as Beyonce’s in those pictures so I threw it on in the lab.  I don’t understand what is happening.  Show me that ass and I’ll tell you the real deal, but stomach and J game is your area of expertise.  The bottom line is this…is it real, or is it Mammorex?