Posts Tagged ‘Jessica Simpson’

The J Game is a Cruel, Cruel Game

September 11, 2008

Lindsay Lohan was lovely and Lake was loving it just two days ago.  Then we got hit with her skinny girlfriend Sam.  Now there are marriage rumors, and we get this pic off the wire.

Look, I’m usually a fan of side boob, under boob, hell almost any kind of boob, but Lindsay needs to start strapping up if she wants to preserve what the goot lawd hath-a blessed her with.  Maybe it is a bad angle, but that J is fighting against gravity with all it’s got right there.  We’ll keep a close watch on continuing developments.

In other J news.

Dammit Jessica.  You know better than that.  Microphone just a nestled all up in there.  Now I know why Tony Romo is always smiling.

This J game is dirty, so dirty.

-Brock

Jessica, this just isn’t sexy

April 10, 2008

I’m not looking to pile on Jessica Simpson. After all, it’s fairly clear that enough people hate her at this point, so she definitely doesn’t need Lake sticking yet another foot in that flat ass. But she makes it pretty hard. There was that terrible situation with the pink football jersey (by the way, if you’re older than 12, and that’s pushing it, ALL those pink versions of professional sports jerseys are terrible), the Nick Lachey divorce that she clearly got the worst of and just an overall Britney-esque dip in her career/appeal that has her pegged as public enemy number one these days. Anyway, with all that said, I can’t figure out for the life of me why Jess had to go ahead and do something like this?

I mean, what is that supposed to be? Sexy? Am I the only man who finds this a little bit repulsive? Let’s be clear here, there’s a real chance that a lady you love could be rocking the Mack 3 for real, so why would they stage this foolishness like that aint a bigger epidemic in our communities than Bitchassness? Nobody wants to see mess like this. I know, I know, it’s a remake of a classic cover that I just don’t get.

You’re right, I don’t get it. I don’t want to get it. There’s something about seeing some wild cream on my ladies face and my razor in her hand that makes me uncomfortable with myself. It just aint right. Wasn’t sexy back when, aint sexy now. And they picked the wrong chick to do it anyway. Jessica Simpson has basically passed into the Mariah Carey Zone. What’s the Mariah Zone? It’s when I chick has all the goods that, in theory, should be attractive, namely the J game, reasonably nice waistline, passable backside, above average wig piece and all the rest, but when you see it all put together, something about it just aint right.

Ok, that’s a somewhat bad example because that’s the best picture of Mariah I’ve ever seen..lol Still, I was telling Brock the other day that B’s and Mariah, go back like Cajuns and jambalaya but even since she got the boob job, it still aint all that impressive.

I don’t know, maybe it’s that surgically tricked out stomach with the equally plastic smile.

And no, that curvature around the mid-section is NOT evidence of any kind of ass. I saw some blogs with headlines of Mariah’s alleged ass and this was the picture I saw. Come on now people, this shows ass? She didn’t even bother to hook up the standard arched back pose. How you gonna go side arch? Terrible.

Anyway, after that major digression, Jessica is now in the same boat for me. For instance, I look at this picture of Jessica:

See, nothing. It’s just not sexy. It’s Jessica. I don’t know, she just lost her appeal somewhere around the Duke’s of Hazard Movie and never got it back. But believe me, reminding me that plenty of women really have to fire up that Norelco isn’t making things any easier. Jess, start with the music, then get a new man, change up that look and bring it all back. Come on now… Put the razor down, pick the music back up. Nick is already murdering you in the post divorce score board. You just have to do better.

-Lake

Love Letter to Jessica Simpson

April 4, 2008

Jess-Jess,

I know you just got out of the hospital with that “kidney infection“, and I just want to say I’m sorry baby. You told me. You told me you’d never been with a black man before. You told me that Tony Romo only goes deep on the football field. I should have paid attention. You are a lot shorter than you look on TV, I didn’t know I’d rearrange your internal organs.

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This is how I’ll always remember you sugarbear.

You came by the crib, I threw on the Jodeci, lit the finest candles, lit my old school incense, broke out the essential oils that I bought from the brother next to the train station…I think it was “Black Love”, and went to work. Hey, I don’t know what was going on with Nick Lachey but brothers don’t get into all that wild stuff. Look, I’ve kept the ladies in my life happy with three positions: Hit it. Hit it from the back. And hit it hard from the back. Haaaaa. My bad, I didn’t mean to laugh Jessie, I know you’re still in pain. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s your fault baby, but I’d never done a reverse cowgirl Abraham Lincoln double blumpkin donkey punch wheelbarrow before.  But that’s what you like…so I was down.

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Now I know, the knees stay below the hips. My bad.

The whole kidney infection was a great cover up. It will be our little secret.

Love,

– Brock

P.S. Tell T.O. to stop calling me. I know it’s unfurr. I know Romo is his teammate. That Romo is his quarterback. Just stop.

Terrell Owens: The Tears of a Clown

January 14, 2008

OH wow, now this is priceless.

Is this cat TO serious? I know he has visions of championship rings dancing in his head, and this video is from about 30 minutes after he found out his season was over, but the level of emotion this cat is showing is ridiculous.

Did he just say, “that’s unfur?” The guy who has turned on every quarterback and organization he’s ever played for just started crying because people are picking on Tony Romo going on vacation with Jessica Simpson? First of all, I’m never going to feel sorry for anyone who is being picked on for going on vacation with this:

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Damn I wish T.O. didn’t have those sunglasses on. It would have made it that much more priceless. On an unrelated note, I also wish he didn’t have that red suede members only jacket on. Seriously, Hillary Clinton thinks T.O. needs to man up. She held it together better than he did, and she’s running for President.

I think this is the breaking point, it’s all starting to come together for me. The wild emotion the suicide attempt misunderstanding about a strange mixture of prescription drugs. The extra tight gear at all times. Whatever made him think it was okay to take this picture.

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I’ve got a few questions to ask you:

Do you use the word “fabulous” in everyday conversation?

To you find yourself tapping your feet in the locker next to you?

Do you find yourself having uncontrollable outbursts of emotion?

Do you find yourself half naked in pools with other men?

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Damn, that was just extra right there. Hold on…we’re tabulating the results…

T.O. Lake’s got a message for ya:

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-Brock