Posts Tagged ‘Jennifer Lopez’

Idiot Bloggers Got This J-Lo Thing All Wrong…

July 10, 2008

Everyone knows I’m about as in tune with the issues of American womanhood as any real man could be. Hell, I’m almost a card carrying feminazi. And that’s why I have to go ahead and call out all these ridiculous blogs talking about how Jennifer Lopez needs to stop rocking her bikini because she’s “fat” now. Fat? This is fat?

Sheeeit, if that’s fat, then I must be broke, water must be dry, up is really down, Duke might really win that National Championship and Bounty really is that quicker picker upper. Fat? The woman just had some wild sperm donor errr Mark Anthony twins like last week or something. I think she bounced back pretty lovely.

Now see. That aint quite Mel B. bounce back. I mean, I heard that chick was doing crunches in the recovery room, but let’s be veeeery clear here: J Lo has the look of a Milf in this very picture we’re looking at right now. How dare you low life bloggers call her fat.. Don’t you know what that can do to the body image of our young American girls. Shame on you. Besides, isn’t it what’s inside that counts? Damn, I’m just disgusted by this utter lack of perspective and focus on the purely superficial.

And besides, if there’s one thing that’s fat on Jennifer, it’s dat ass.

And believe me, it’s been like that for a while and it’s good.

Appreciated too. I feel sorry for a cat who looks at that and just can’t muster up the requisite “got daaaaaamn”… You really aint hittin right. No matter what your lady’s got.

– Lake

Top Hispanics Who We Forget Are Hispanic

December 28, 2007

I love America.  You ask people how they feel about immigration and they are willing to build a wall across the entire Mexican border.  Not the Canadian border mind you, those are nothing more than French speaking white people up there, they must be cool, just the Mexicansand Haitians…and Cubans who don’t look like Elian Gonzalez.

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The same people who are ready to send any actual Spanish speaking person to make a run for the freaking border also think Jessica Alba is freaking hot.

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And they would be 100% right, she is hot.  But that got me thinking, there are a lot of Hispanic Celebrities that America just starts treating like they are white people.  I know, Alba just looks like a hot white babe with a tan.  No, she’s Latina.  This never happens to Black people by the way, no matter how many white people like you, you’re still Black.  So let’s explore this phenomenon, here is a list:

First, the aforementioned Jessica Alba.  The only time she even remotely claimed her Hispanic heritage was when she paid “hip hop chick” in Honey.

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Yeah, that was about as convincing as Mariah Carey playing a hard on her luck Black chick in “Glitter“.

Second there’s Cameron Diaz:

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Somehow she just became everyone ‘s favorite skinny white chick.  Her last name is Diaz people, and her hair is not naturally blonde.

Alex Rodriguez:

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Ok fine.  I don’t really think that people forget that A Rod is Hispanic.  Although his white wife and “biggest contract in all of sports ever” seems to point to the fact that most people don’t associate Alex Rodriguez with these dudes.

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That picture has nothing to do with anything.  It is just fully ridiculous.

Next, there is Eva Longoria:

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I guess she gets a pass because she’s hot?  Don’t get me wrong, she’s got a pretty face.  I know Lake and the interns like her, but I really can’t pinpoint why.  Her body is only decent, nothing really stands out about it.  Biel’s got the tail, Britney had the legs, and Paris had the sex tape.  I just don’t know why I care about this chick yet.

Jennifer Lopez probably doesn’t belong on this list.  She played Selena, so she doesn’t exactly shy away from Hispanic Roles.  Here’s the deal, she was definitely drifting somewhere around the Diddy/Ben Affleck years.

The key difference here?  That ass always let you know you were dealing with something special.

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Damn, she really lets that thang hang.  Yeah, no one thought they were dealing with a white girl here.

Here’s the real killer.  Charlie and Martin Sheen:

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Charlie, do you think we really forgot you have a brother named Emilio Estevez?  Hell, Martin Sheen’s real name is Mondergard Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez.    Mondergard?  Doesn’t get more authentic than that. That sounds like a name you choose when you start playing World of Warcraft.  I think Mondergard is a level 37 Dwarf Shaman.  Even Charlie’s real name is Carlos Estevez.

I know the Sheen family meeting where Emilio decided he wasn’t “selling out” the family name and staying a Estevez had to be heated.  The messed up thing?  Emilio hasn’t had a hot movie since “Young Guns“.  I guess becoming “Eddie Sheen” wouldn’t have been such a bad idea after all.

-Brock