Posts Tagged ‘Eddie Murphy’

Man Up Monday: Martin Lawrence

August 4, 2008

I didn’t want to do this.  I really didn’t.  I used to love Martin Lawrence, I’ve got every episode of his show memorized.  But I can’t take it anymore.

I mean he was funny as hell back then.  Ol’ Otis the security guard, Tyrone, even Shenehneh even though I’m not really down with the cross-dressing shits.  Even after that, Martin hit us with Bad Boys, Nothing to Lose (which is quietly hilarious), Life, Blue Streak (even though Dave Chappelle killed it in his small part).  Then it was over.   Big Momma’s house seems to be the turning point.

When was the last time this dude was funny?  I just saw two horrible joints back to back.  College Road Trip and Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins.

I mean those two joints were mothafackin turrible.  I mean I was trapped on an airplane for 5 hours when they showed that damn College Road Trip and I still almost didn’t finish it.  I voluntarily watched Roscoe Jenkins, but the bad part was, everyone was funny but Martin Lawrence.  The trailer seemed funny, but it just didn’t all come together right.

Why does this always happen?  All the great comedians fall off, can’t my generation get one comedian that doesn’t go out like a complete punk?  Where’s out Richard Pryor?  Our Redd Foxx?  Our Bill Cosby?  Martin Lawrence…lost it.  Eddie Murphy…fell off.  Chris Tucker…I barely remember him being funny at all he’s so terrible now.  Dave Chappelle might be done now too, I just haven’t seen him do anything at all since he disappeared into Africa after the Chappelle’s Show debacle.  He’ll probably come back dressed like a woman too and it will be the beginning of the end of his career.  It will be his Big Momma’s Norbit, Doubtfire, Ruby Rhod moment.

So what went wrong? I’ve pinpointed it.  The leather suit.  You can’t be funny without the leather suit.  I know this sounds like barbershop logic, but hear me out.  Watch.

Funny.

Not funny.

Funny.

Not funny.

Funny.

Not funny. And from the look on his face, he knows it.

Who’s left?  Chris Rock?  Jamie Foxx?  Someone let them know to keep the closet stocked with the leather jumpsuit or their career is in serious jeopardy.  If you ask Lake, he’s already convinced that “Fur is the new Funny”.  Look, I’m down for whatever works at this point.

Martin I need to to sit down at the crib, put “You So Crazy” on repeat, break out the leather suit and get back to basics.  You were one of the best.  Now man up and get your swagger back.

Martin, Man Up!

-Brock

Eddie Murphy Does NFC Championship Post Game Coverage

January 22, 2008

Eddie is better than Emmitt Smith, that’s for sure.

-Brock

What is Half of Half of Half?

January 3, 2008

Because that is what Tracy Edmonds will be getting from Eddie long about 2013. Eddie and Tracy were married this past weekend.

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Damn, he looks happy now, but you know this isn’t gonna work out, right?  Everybody has a boy like Eddie.  You know, a cat that just can’t get along without a girl on his arm.  Eddie just takes it further than the rest.  I mean, check this timeline.  Eddie just got divorced in April of 2006 after sixteen years and four kids from his wife Nicole.

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Now Nicole always had body, especially after four kids, and I know she was supposedly some kind of a model, but that grill-piece was always kinda suspect to me.  She’s all angles.  Right now, the angle she’s working is juicing Eddie for alimony and child support while kicking it with Michael “good for getting jacked for his loot” Strahan.

So Eddie gets the divorce finalized and gets married to Tracey a year and a half later.  All by itself that is a little aggressive.  Let’s not forget this little fact though.

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I see you Ed-diiiiiieeee.  Nice one.  Yeah, somewhere in the last year and a half Eddie got with, impregnated, broke up with, had a baby with, said “It wadden’t me”, failed a paternity test (unlike this guy), and ignored Mel B and his child.  Eddie must have that Holyfield level fertility.

So let’s get the math right.  Eddie has to cover Nicole and the four kids.  Mel B is sure to get some child support any day now, and now he is married to Tracey…who has two kids from Babyface.

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I wonder if she left him over that shirt.  If she didn’t, she should have.  Let’s not forget that Babyface cheated on Tracey back in the day and had to write “Never Keeping Secrets” to get her back.  Hot make up song though.

Back to Eddie.  Homey, how are you going to support all of these people?

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Damn man, I don’t know either.  That questionable look in Eddie’s eye reminds me, Eddie has had some issues in his past.  You can definitely get a line on his type of woman.  Nicole, Mel, Tracey…all light skinned, tall, stay in the limelight and around famous men.  I see your game Eddie.  But there are a few others:

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Michael Jackson has tall and light skinned covered.  Hmmmmmmm.  This picture is my evidence that something ain’t right.  Let me tell you something, if Jacko ever got that close to me…that cat is getting straight punched in the chin implant.  Then there is this:

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That young lady…errrrrrrrr…dude is the tranny that Eddie just wanted to give a ride out of West Hollywood a few years ago.  Let me get my checklist:

Light skinned: check

Tall: check

Like rich, famous people: got with Eddie – check.

Yeah, Eddie was trying to give her a ride all right.

So Tracey, a piece of advice.  Don’t go anywhere close to Eddie’s junk unless you are ready to join Halle Berry, Christina Aguilera, and Jessica Alba in pregnancy.  When Eddie starts trippin’ in 2013, take it from Umfufu.  Get your half.

Half of whatever is left that is.

-Brock