Posts Tagged ‘Cynthia Rodriguez’

Perfect: A-Rod v. Madonna Sex Tape

July 23, 2008

Only something this intriguing could motivate me to actually do my job this morning.  Oh yes, if you believe the reports, that Madonna and A-Rod sex tape (how crazy does that sound) is officially being shopped by some voyeur slug for a cool $2mil as we speak.

What’s crazy is that at this point Madonna really isn’t any better looking than Alex’s old lady C-Rod.  So I can’t quite understand what he’s thinking.

I know, I know, that face is looking a bit battered and beaten.  Why are we so critical of our women, our queens these days?  And before you accuse ole girl of getting her Skeletor meets the Crypt Keeper on, don’t forget that at this point Madonna is literally looking like an extra bright light version of Castle Greyskull:

Jeez!  It’s like old girl is hooking up nuclear cold fusion in her bicep or at least I think that’s a bicep.  lol  Seriously?  Have you EVER seen someone more befitting of the title of Skeletor than this broad?

A major part of skeletor’s power was that you couldn’t tell if he was rocking muscle on top of super skrong skeleton or exoskeleton on top of super krunk muscle.  And now I ask you, can you tell if Madonna is rocking skeleton on top of muscle or muscle on top of skeleton?

It aint right.  And I know you need to eat 5 to 7 meals a day to get those cuts, so might I suggest that Madonna eat 1 very large lard infused meal a day to attempt to return to normalcy?

And make no mistake about it, Madonna was RIGHT back in her NSFW hitchiking days.

Dude, is it just me or is Alex kind of missing the boat here?  I mean, if the old saying is true that when you have sex with someone you’re having sex with ALL their past sexual partners (and their sexual partners, but I won’t go there) then by my count, and this is just a cat sitting at a pc, A-Rod is banging out Dennis Rodman, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, a wild bisexual porn star named Tony Ward, VANILLA ICE and a list of personal trainers, dancers, rappers, musicians and actors!  Seriously, can you think of any single female celebrity that you’d put more bodies on than Madonna?  And let’s be clear, though it hasn’t been reported, she did have sex with a wild Pauly Shore, Theo Huxtable and a cat like oh I don’t know The Ultimate Warrior, too.

But I guess when you’ve got a babe who is an international superstar and has been for decades (yikes) even a dude like A-Rod can get those groupie love puppy dog beer goggle eyes going and lose his mind for a clean 5 months or so.

True, I don’t get it either.  Honestly, and I haven’t said this about ANY other Sex Tape that’s come across my desk, but I think this is one tape I’ll have to completely sit out.  And why?  This is why:

Does it get any worse?  Sure, I’d like to see if Madonna can back up all her swagger (more likely than not she can), but something about seeing his A-Rod doesn’t sit right with me.  I don’t know, male genitalia is always nasty, but A-Rod with his purple lipstick, frosted hair and Miami perma-tan just weirds me out.  Then you pair that with Madonna’s middle earth, ash rock skin tone, it’s just unseemly.

– Lake

ARod’s Wife: I Gotta Quit You

July 7, 2008

Cynthia Rodriguez just filed for divorce in Miami, citing infidelity as the main cause.  Ya think?  What tipped you off CRod?  Is the the fact that 78% of all women would bang him out on site for a shot at that quarter billion dollar contract while asking “how many licks will it take ’till I get to shop“?  Or the fact that he cavorts with known strippers and Playboy Playmates?  Or is it the fact that Madonna has been kicking at his NY crib for the last week and a half?  This is not yet confirmed, but I think she also mailed him this shirt as part of her initial settlement offer.

She’s filing in Miami, so I’m assuming that the crib on Star Island is going to be high on the list of “shit I want to keep” along with as much of that $250 Million that 6 years of marriage and two kids can buy you.  I have to imagine that we’re going to hear that the three year old and the three month old are used to a very high quality of life, which for kids that young means that they have two tricycles and all the milk they can drink, which of course requires about $65,000 per month to maintain that kind of lifestyle.

Meanwhile, A Rod has already moved on.

A Rod has had the not quite confirmed for divorce Madonna coming in and out of his crib.  Both are still denying it, but hey…why not?  We already know that Madonna hooked up with a brother of another color a decade ago because he had the right “bone structure” for her future child.

Wow, look at that dude.  What?  Prince wasn’t available at the time?  I remember that Dennis Rodman was also on the short list, so maybe ARod shouldn’t be too honored to be on Madonna’s short list.

I’m sure A Rod will come out of this fine.  Like Chris Rock said, if you’ve got 200 Million and she take’s half, you can still eat…If you make $10,000 and she takes half, you might have to kill the chick.  A Rod won’t have to resort to murder, but he might want to kill the chick by time all of this is done.  Maybe Cynthia Rodriguez can hook up with Shaunie O’Neal and have a divorce party.

New Rule:  Any athlete in the modern era who is due to be on the 50 greatest players of all time list in their respective sport just shouldn’t get married.  It never works out.  Ever.  Why try?