Posts Tagged ‘Bitchassness’

Making the Band 4: It’s Dark and Lonely

September 5, 2008

Sure, there isn’t any drama of actually making a band, there aren’t any wild producers like Seven, Diddy has not coined any new phrases like “Bitchassness”, but this is still a damn entertaining show.  Let’s start with Aubrey.  Puff is getting them ready for tour when he notices that the young, slim tender thang that used to look like this:

Now looks like a collagen puffed, fake J’d, fake Jenna Jameson pre-Milf.

How did she choose that dress?  Did she ask for something that only covers her nipples as little as possible?  The lips, the cheeks, the overdone eyes, it ain’t right.  She even arugued that she is old enough to make her own decision when she said she was twenty hrrrrrmmmmmmm years old.  I mean she got halfway through that argument and just swallowed the backend of that declaration.  She did not want to drop that age in front of the cameras.  By the way, next time she’s thinking about shit you shouldn’t do in front of the camera, she needs to keep this on the list.

Aaaaaaaaaaah!  Look I know the cameras follow you all the time, but damn.  The bathroom has got to be a safe zone, right?  Take a brush and some lip gloss back there with you.  You know what, I actually like babes without much make up, Aubrey O’Day version 1 could have pulled the straight out of the shower look off, but vamped up Aubrey needs a little extra help.  And no Aubrey, we don’t want to hear about how you need to go somewhere where you will be appreciated because, you might not know it, but that place is not the music industry.  When Diddy said it gets dark and lonely, he means he will kick your ass to the curb and tell everyone in the industry to leave your ass alone.  When was the last time you saw Da Band?  Exactly.  It is easier to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq than it is to find that cat Fred.  There is a place where you could be appreciated though.  That would be the porn industry with your girl Jenna.  I’d buy it watch it for free on the internet.

Moving on, let’s talk about Donnie.  First of all, I don’t care how many 12 year old girls made him the “people’s choice” at the end of MTB4 Season 1..which was like two years ago by the way.  Donnie is not about to have the #1 record next week.  First of all Diddy played him by exposing him as a non-dancing, barely singing white dude.  That’s not making me drop $12 at Best Buy.  Second of all, his last name is Klang.  That’s terrible.  So Diddy tells him that we doesn’t want him to move like a White dude.  So what does he do to help him out?

Hire a white dude.  Nice.  I prefer Laurie Anne’s Boom Cack Cack to this dude’s “act like you gonna hit it real hard, then be like naaaaah that’s all I got right there.”  This guy looks like the Fourth Beastie Boy…after they stopped rapping.

I need a break from the terrible.  Let’s go to Dawn.

God bless whoever gave her those pink shorts because once again Dawn was KILLING EM.  I mean good lawd.  She had the sweat on the lower back when she was done working too…doesn’t get any better than that.  That Que workout plan is real.  She is really what you’ve always wanted Kelly Rowland to give you although she never could.  By the way, while I was watching the show one of the people in the room said “Why do they all dance like strippers?”.  I said “The song is called “striptease”.  She responded, “but they always dance like strippers”.  Touche.

Que, what’s her secret?

I know, I know.  A gentleman never tells.  By the way, if you want to kill the gay rumors, you might want to lose the juice boxes.  After the age of 14 you are no longer allowed to drink anything out of a bitch ass bendy straw.  That includes juice boxes, Capri Sun, all that.   The straw in grown man drinks is a stirrer, not an instrument for consuming the beverage.  Got it?  Thanks.

Speaking of rampant bitchassness, that brings us to Brian vs. Laurie Anne.  Sisqo 2.0 didn’t like being picked on (little man/Napoleon syndrome) so he finally blew up on Laurie Anne because she was actually calling him out for constantly f’ing up.  This is one of those practice how you play situations.  Brian thinks he can turn it on for the big show, but Laurie Anne knows he’s wrong.  So Brian blows up.  Walks out.  Yells at his boys, makes Que think he’s about to go back to working at McDonald’s (funniest moment of the night) and starts crying when he starts talking about how hard he works.

Then he breaks down when Laurie Anne comes back in to give him a hug.  Bitchassness is still alive.

-Brock




MTB4 – Episode 4, Aubrey v. Donnie

February 19, 2008

We didn’t do a post on Episode 3 because it was basically garbage and Lake don’t have the time for substandard programming, ok MTV? Nuff said.

I don’t know, I guess after that great Bitchassness Episode, anything would have been a letdown. So I watched the show, everything is going well…yeah yeah, the guys aren’t singing well, etc. Then they launch into this Donnie and Aubrey showmance, which is cool with me as long as the writers errrr two young love birds handle it right.

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My first thought watching the whole thing was that Donnie really just needs more game. I know he’s young, but homey needs to learn how to set the agenda with these babes rather than even allow a low chick like Aubrey to create any semblance of expectations on “how she will be treated.” With most chicks this kind of analysis wouldn’t be necessary, but after watching this episode, it’s pretty clear that Aubrey is both crazy and delusional.

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Now, delusional we can handle, it just means some name calling and badmouthing from her after he’s done hitting and quitting dat ass. But the crazy is a whole different thing all together. Anyway, on to the episode:

Topic 1 – Someone remind me if these cats can actually sing

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Honestly, the hot thing about these guys when they started was that you just knew they were crazy talented with plenty of juice and charisma to carry the day. Now I’m sitting here scratching my head wondering what’s wrong with these dudes? I mean, I was on my way to taking Q off the “Might be Gay” watch list and I’m still committed to do that after he meets some necessary benchmarks and walks to Cooney Island to get me a Chocolate Elair, but it seems like as much as he progresses with Dawn, everything else about this group is just getting more and more random with each episode.

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Just as a side bar, is Big Mike going to show an interest in a woman during the balance of this decade? I’m just wondering. Jeez. What happened to this cat? Back before he was a main cog in the show, now he’s basically just in the diary room running commentary like Lakey the Kang. Mike, get involved son! It’s one thing for these cats to be a bit odd, holler at basically no chicks and show little to no flavor, but what’s the deal with the actual music? If I hear one more Ahnk Ra inspired rendition of “Exclusive” I’m going to kill myself.

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I mean, the least they could do is give us a remix with Dylan from Da Band/Rikers lacing an intro verse.

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“Who da 5 baddest rappar evar alive? Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan and Dylan.”

I don’t care if they perform that shit is Fast, Slow and Medium it’s just beyond stale and completely played at this point and I like that song. First it was that never ending loop of “End of the Road” in season 1 and now this. Even Puff doesn’t get that shit.

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And no, I don’t really get the differences Ankh Ra and Puff are talking about with this “you need to sing with emotion,” ok? That shit pretty much sounds the same to me. Just because a cat makes a crazy face or lifts up his hand in the air, that doesn’t make the song sound better.

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Incidentally, Brian A. has the worst facial expressions in the entire Entertainment biz. Jeez. I’m really starting to not get that cat. And that wild blow up he had at Qwanell with that bitchy “all I know is you aren’t touching me” haaaaa, that was fucking awful, both for how unnecessary Brian’s reaction was given the nature of the conflict and how bitching Q was being. Ha. Now let’s get one thing straight here: when Q said Brian wasn’t going to touch him, it wasn’t because Q was going to actually do something, it was more about those 30 camera and crew members that were standing in the room with them. LOL.

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Man, I don’t know. I like him and all, but this was not a good episode for Q. I mean, just look at this cat’s gear. Lord Jesus, Rochester stand up? Argg!

Topic 2 – Bros before hoes

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Bitchassness was in the air when they taped that show for last night. First these cats sell Robert out to Diddy back in the day, now this. Look at how they handled the Donnie/Aubrey date situation. That whole, “Did yall kiss” and “Dude we kissed” exchange just shows how sensitive these creative types are. I mean, why are dudes sitting around with each other, blushing like some women, asking about what outfit he wore and whether he felt butterflies?! BE MEN!!!

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If Brock came in after hanging out with Aubrey I’d ask him one question, “Did you hit?” and if the answer was no, I’d be asking “How long do you think it will take?” I’d ask that because 1. I’d already know Aubrey is NOT wife material, so that would cut off all discussion of respect and appropriate timing and 2. I’d know, given that she slums it with Kim Kardashian and Jenna Jameson, that she’s a hizzoe and definitely would give up the arse after a salad, bottle of Absolut and three lines of the coke, so what’s taking him so long?

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Can you tell Jenna Jameson and Aubrey apart? To co-opt from Bossip, now I must ask, “Who’s done more bangin’?”

Anyway, I wasn’t pleased when I saw Q’s exercise in immaturity and hateration when he called Dawn and Aubrey down there to see Donnie with ole girl. What the hell was that? Definitely Bitchassness and completely unacceptable. q-is-young.jpg

Q may not be gay, but he’s acting like a young ass kid who isn’t ready. Pretty terrible no matter how you slice it. Sorry Q, but you’re back on the Gay Watch List, with a threat level of Orange.

Topic 3 – Donnie on the Rise

Now I must say, despite his Bitchassness and tomfoolery back at the crib with “the boys,” which sadly is becoming more than just a cute nickname, young Donald started earning back his Lakey Bucks after he double booked the chicks that night.
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Shouts to Dede (left), holla at me baby..

Just a side note about Double Booking. Come on people, everybody double books. It happens. If you’re a dude, it’s a necessary institution. You’ve got the chick you’re interested in for a more legitimate relationship (this should not be Aubrey, but I’ll humor Donnie) that you take to dinner and the chick you feel like you can hit that night that you may or may not be willing to get a towel for after you murked it. Nothing wrong with the double book, in fact, I regularly enjoy it myself.

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Anyway, Donnie showed me a little something with that hot double booking move, but obviously the execution was all wrong. How are you going to be that reckless? Yes, Q screwed you, but so did the tv cameras. The point is you should have never been in that situation to begin with. Donnie is finally showing me something but we’ll need more. If he can fully rebound, knock off Aubrey and then get caught with another woman, his Jedi training will be complete.

Topic 4 – Aubrey v. Donnie

Meanwhile, again in this week in: What the Fuck is Aubrey Talking about?, In the aftermath of this alleged Donnie double date thing, Aubrey starts in about how Donnie isn’t her man (Ding) but that he just got off a date with her and is now on a date with a new babe and that he’s “Playing himself.”

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(Oh, he’s from that part of Long Island.)

No, actually, if anyone is getting played here it would be YOU babygirl. You think Donnie just sits around in NYC without any tail?

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Just because he’s shy and a bit corny doesn’t mean he’s not cutting something up. And by the way, while I agree Aubrey is fairly old for Donnie, why did that “other chick” sitting in the booth look all of 17 years old? Donnie, the younger the better, but keep ’em legal my man (and yes I know 17 is the age of consent in NY….don’t ax why).

Then they moved to Miami and of course the House is hot. Aubrey unsuccessfully tried to square Donnie up. Ahhhh this is where Donald really showed me something.

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I truly appreciated how he went with that patented Lake Arlington reversal move and stood tall on that “I apologize for the way YOU took it” and then refused to legitimately apologize for whatever he did to her.

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Just go ahead and put that “Donnie, if you want to play games like that, you should go and do that with regular girls” talk into Aubrey’s WhatDaFuckIzYouTalkinBout” pile.

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Regular girls? “Chick” pleez. You mean unpretentious, cool women who don’t have the enhanced canz, fake hair, easy bake oven cooked-on face piece and plastic personality? Besides, Donnie is holding the high trump card and Aubrey is hardly dating gold. These “regular girls” in NYC and Miami are better looking, more looted and probably don’t have these silly delusions of grandeur Aubrey rolls with.

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Is it just me or does that shirt look dirty? Come on now. This chick just has no concept for how eligible Donnie is versus how played she’ll be inside of 18 months. Overall, I gotta give Donnie credit for how he handled Aubrey, who clearly was looking for the cat to come crawling back to her. That didn’t happen. Good shit Donnie on that offer to be friends given her crazy and unnecessary roll up on your and ole girl in the restaurant. You can’t give a chick incentive to get aggressive on you, especially when it’s not your lady. And no, that silly line about Aubrey’s “friendship taking time” doesn’t change a thing. When Donnie said “I just want to be friends” what he meant was, “I don’t want to fuck with you beyond friendship because you’re literally not worth the trouble, you’re fired!” LOL. These chicks are hilarious. Aubrey, Donnie aint gonna be chasing you, not for tail, not as a lady and certainly not for your “friendship” unless that “friendship” includes microphone checks in that second floor pool overlooking the Miami skyline.

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I must say though, that Aubrey song where she walked toward Donnie on that whole “Why was I such a fool to believe in you and now you’ve lost me” was pretty good. HA.. She finally got him on that one. Score one for the ladies.. nice.

– Lake

MTB4: Do you have ‘bitchassness’ in you?

February 5, 2008

WOW, again Diddy delivers a solid episode replete with highs and lows on the music tip and staged eerrrr real life human drama between the different Bands. Oh and he coined a new term: Bitchassness, but we’ll get to that later.

Incidentally, can we get a name for the guy’s band? I’m tired of saying Willie ‘n Dem. Oh hell, someone just hit me up saying the name of the group is “Day26.” Umm, I don’t get or like it, but whatever.

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Now before we get into the episode, we’ll have a part of this post I’ll call, What the fuck is Aubrey talking about?

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Last week it was that ridiculous talk about “do you understand who you’re riding with, this is Danity Fucking Kane” and “I got out with my friends and they take pictures of my boobs”… Come on player. Anyway, this week in “what the fuck is Aubrey talking about” is in regard to her assessment of Robert:

“Like, I think he’s so talented and all but his ego is like his problem. I saw that he was out of control and like, he just doesn’t know who he is yet.”

Now, of course, everything she said was true, but we don’t need that from her. Again, baby, you’re not hot. You’re an entertainment geriatric at 25 years of age with plastic lips and large balloons stapled to your chest piece.

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You shouldn’t be talking about ANYBODY. Though she does not look bad there. Ha.. I can’t lie.

Anyway, I found the rest of the show to be pretty entertaining:

1. Puff calls out Robert’s Bitchassness:

Look anybody who has watched the show for a while understands that Robert is crazy talented. I’d say that homey has the best voice even. But best voice doesn’t necessarily mean you get all the shine or that all the songs will be right for you to take the lead. Homey just needs to play his position and be cool. Now, we know MTV can hit you with the ill editing to make it look like you’re fucking up in the booth while talking hella shit, but that’s exactly what we saw.

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Robert failing to come through, then turning around and talking like a disgruntled woman. I don’t want to hear that shit. Just be cool, sing the songs, fall back when necessary and start actually coming through with the goods in the booth.

But that’s not what homey was doing and eventually, the fellow band mates essentially caused a mutiny. What was hilarious about it was that the cat who acted like he didn’t want to say anything, Brian, is the exact cat who went ahead and dimed Robert out to Puff. I mean, they just did Robert wrong. Showed him no respect at all:

Diddy: Why do yall sound so bad? Is there a problem within the group?

Brian: Yeah, I’ve got a problem with Robert, we all do.

Robert: Why didn’t yall come to me with this?

Willie: Every time I deal with you dog, you be on some real ego trip shit.

Robert: Dog, my feelings are just hurt (mistake).

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Puff: Robert, you not the leader of the fucking group

Rob: Blink blink, sob sob

Puff: You aint the lead singer of the fuckin group!

Dude, that was ill. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for Robert or any more embarrassing, then Puff got the rock, pushed the muthafucka out on the break and dunked on Robert before he could establish position.

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Dude, it was ill:

Diddy: There’s a very contagious disease that’s in our community of Bitchassness.

Robert: (still reeling and downright speechless at the disloyalty from the fellas)

Diddy: Do you have some bitchassness in you?

Robert: (No response, but this picture gave all the response that was necessary)

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Puff: No real talk. DO YOU?! (and he really squared him up on that uncle who is allowed to lay hands on you level)

Rob: Nah

Diddy: Because I saw some bitchassness in you by the way you handled shit with your girl. (Argh, that shit reminded me of that “don’t be pussy whipped, whip that pussy, bang, bang, bang” speech Dude’s Pops gave Eddie Murphy in Boomerang..et tu Puff-ay?)

Diddy: There will be no bitchassness at Bad Boy!

Then Diddy walked out as he was literally laughing and so was I.

Lordy.. I mean, where do I begin. Oh yeah, isn’t this the same shit I said back in the day with regard to his girl June? I mean, for real. This cat just let ole girl speak any ole way to him while homey was stepping out of the group and just generally acting bitchy. I told homey then to lose that chick as she was nothing but trouble. Then I went into Lakey PI mode and unearthed some pictures of her to try and understand why in the hizzell he’d ever let a chick punk him like that on national tv.

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Uh huh…

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Ok, I see it a lil bit. Baby girl is ok, especially for a middle tier ’round the way girl, but he had to know that her rhetoric was punishable by death as far as that relationship goes. I mean, you’re about to be a star and you’re letting ole girl pop off like dat?

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Hells no. Diddy saw it, Lakey saw it…hell, you know the bandmates saw it. It’s like ole boy told Eddie Kane, Jr. when Baby Doll rushed in on them, “Eddie, you aint got your woman in check?” Rob, the cat is out of the bag and unfortunately, the cat is YOU. Get your mind right homey and “make that change.”

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Seriously, go watch “The Mack” or check out how Ike Turner used to run things. Something, anything, but you gonna have to do better, son.

And that little run-in you had with “D. Woods” (Why?) wasn’t much better, either.

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I mean, damn kid. If you and June weren’t together anymore and the myspace wasn’t a big deal, don’t get mad, just play it cool. Instead you tried to lash out and really live up to those “you’re just a drama king” words that June hit you with during season one. Anyway, you went from possibly getting with D. Woods to her throwing you the now outlawed NFL slasher sign also known as the international symbol for “loser, say no more.”

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Damn, ugly. Don’t argue with them, just placate, pimpulate like John Brown from the White Rapper Show and make em wait like my man Richie McDay says in the BK, alright?

2. Qwanell continues to earn masculinity points

Hey, I must say, Q showed me some more progress tonight and I’m happy to report it. I don’t know, there’s just something new about this cat.

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I guess what we’re really seeing is a young cat who is finally growing up. Dude just has a different swagger all together. I’m not sure if it was staged or not, but homey was laying his game down quite flat with Dawn. I mean, homey had her on the ropes. I especially liked how he told her that “women love my look” and “yes, I’d say I’m a ladies man.” Then he promptly followed that up with an appropriate compliment for Dawn. Very nice.

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I guess those lessons at the Lake School of Pimpology up there in Rochester paid off, huh? Anyway, he’s not out of the “might be gay woods yet,” for that he’d have to knock off Dawn, leave her and then re-up with a badder chick, but it’s a step in the right direction. Q, I’m definitely feeling you right now (no homo). Keep at it, son.

3. The Church foolishness at the end

After all kinds of wildness throughout the episode, the Bands needed to go to Church to wash those sins away. Aubrey had her hand in the air like she was a 43 year old black woman from Macon, GA givin’ praise, only she had her “earthly flesh” dutifully exposed and a sarcastic grin upon her enhanced grill piece. Donnie played the roll of the white dude who had never been to a holy rollin’ black Church. Standard rhetoric from him, “It just had so much energy and it was good to be a part of ‘that’.” Let me translate that for you guys, “What the fuck was that?” Come on now, you know Donnie is Catholic and you know he has never seen anything like that, least of all that damn funky chicken dance Q did when he “caught the spirit.” Yeah, that dance was like if you took the Alpha train and the A-Town Stomp smashed them together in a most unholy union and then just pushed double fast forward on your dvr. It was wild.

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Let me ask yall spirit catchers a question, why is it that the spirit gets caught in some churches and not others? What about speaking in tongues? Why is that only limited to a few spots? I can’t figure it out. I know, I know, I just need to come to know Him like Q, Robert, Aubrey and Big Mike. One day.

– Lake