Posts Tagged ‘aubrey’

Making the Band 4: It’s Dark and Lonely

September 5, 2008

Sure, there isn’t any drama of actually making a band, there aren’t any wild producers like Seven, Diddy has not coined any new phrases like “Bitchassness”, but this is still a damn entertaining show.  Let’s start with Aubrey.  Puff is getting them ready for tour when he notices that the young, slim tender thang that used to look like this:

Now looks like a collagen puffed, fake J’d, fake Jenna Jameson pre-Milf.

How did she choose that dress?  Did she ask for something that only covers her nipples as little as possible?  The lips, the cheeks, the overdone eyes, it ain’t right.  She even arugued that she is old enough to make her own decision when she said she was twenty hrrrrrmmmmmmm years old.  I mean she got halfway through that argument and just swallowed the backend of that declaration.  She did not want to drop that age in front of the cameras.  By the way, next time she’s thinking about shit you shouldn’t do in front of the camera, she needs to keep this on the list.

Aaaaaaaaaaah!  Look I know the cameras follow you all the time, but damn.  The bathroom has got to be a safe zone, right?  Take a brush and some lip gloss back there with you.  You know what, I actually like babes without much make up, Aubrey O’Day version 1 could have pulled the straight out of the shower look off, but vamped up Aubrey needs a little extra help.  And no Aubrey, we don’t want to hear about how you need to go somewhere where you will be appreciated because, you might not know it, but that place is not the music industry.  When Diddy said it gets dark and lonely, he means he will kick your ass to the curb and tell everyone in the industry to leave your ass alone.  When was the last time you saw Da Band?  Exactly.  It is easier to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq than it is to find that cat Fred.  There is a place where you could be appreciated though.  That would be the porn industry with your girl Jenna.  I’d buy it watch it for free on the internet.

Moving on, let’s talk about Donnie.  First of all, I don’t care how many 12 year old girls made him the “people’s choice” at the end of MTB4 Season 1..which was like two years ago by the way.  Donnie is not about to have the #1 record next week.  First of all Diddy played him by exposing him as a non-dancing, barely singing white dude.  That’s not making me drop $12 at Best Buy.  Second of all, his last name is Klang.  That’s terrible.  So Diddy tells him that we doesn’t want him to move like a White dude.  So what does he do to help him out?

Hire a white dude.  Nice.  I prefer Laurie Anne’s Boom Cack Cack to this dude’s “act like you gonna hit it real hard, then be like naaaaah that’s all I got right there.”  This guy looks like the Fourth Beastie Boy…after they stopped rapping.

I need a break from the terrible.  Let’s go to Dawn.

God bless whoever gave her those pink shorts because once again Dawn was KILLING EM.  I mean good lawd.  She had the sweat on the lower back when she was done working too…doesn’t get any better than that.  That Que workout plan is real.  She is really what you’ve always wanted Kelly Rowland to give you although she never could.  By the way, while I was watching the show one of the people in the room said “Why do they all dance like strippers?”.  I said “The song is called “striptease”.  She responded, “but they always dance like strippers”.  Touche.

Que, what’s her secret?

I know, I know.  A gentleman never tells.  By the way, if you want to kill the gay rumors, you might want to lose the juice boxes.  After the age of 14 you are no longer allowed to drink anything out of a bitch ass bendy straw.  That includes juice boxes, Capri Sun, all that.   The straw in grown man drinks is a stirrer, not an instrument for consuming the beverage.  Got it?  Thanks.

Speaking of rampant bitchassness, that brings us to Brian vs. Laurie Anne.  Sisqo 2.0 didn’t like being picked on (little man/Napoleon syndrome) so he finally blew up on Laurie Anne because she was actually calling him out for constantly f’ing up.  This is one of those practice how you play situations.  Brian thinks he can turn it on for the big show, but Laurie Anne knows he’s wrong.  So Brian blows up.  Walks out.  Yells at his boys, makes Que think he’s about to go back to working at McDonald’s (funniest moment of the night) and starts crying when he starts talking about how hard he works.

Then he breaks down when Laurie Anne comes back in to give him a hug.  Bitchassness is still alive.

-Brock